Live Right and Find Happiness (Although Beer is Much Faster)
Page 13
Remember that being offended is not the same thing as being right. And even if you’re pretty sure you’re right about something, be cool about it. If you want to get people to agree with you, talk to them, and then—even more important—listen to them. Don’t lecture them; don’t hector them; for God’s sake, don’t form a demonstration and shout mindless slogans at them. People do not respond well to being lectured. People are turned off by perpetual outrage and smug moral preening. This is one reason why everybody hates Washington, D.C.
A few more things:
Don’t brag.
Don’t whine.
Floss your teeth. (Once you get teeth, I mean.)
You do not need the extended warranty.
VERY IMPORTANT: If you want to impress a woman, do not buy her a gift that has a plug.
Finally, always remember that there is a fine line between being trendy and being a douche.
So that’s it, Dylan. That’s my wisdom. To be honest, it might not all be correct. The only thing I’m 100 percent sure of is the part about the ketchup and mustard. But I hope you find this helpful, and I hope you live a long and happy life. I hope you have children as terrific as mine, and I hope they have children, so that one day you might get a chance to write a letter to your first grandchild. Maybe, if it’s a boy, and he has a bris, you’ll even be asked to be the sandek. If you are, I have one more piece of wisdom for you:
It’s OK to cry.
Much love,
Grandpa Dave
*You know who you are.
*You know who you are.
*Not really. I love to generalize.
*You’re thinking, “There’s a point?”
*I am using the phrase “researching this essay” in the sense of “farting around on the Internet to avoid actually writing this essay.”
*I refer here to the Scots, who, it turns out, are not in fact wearing anything under those kilts. They are hard-core partiers. If the World Cup were a drinking competition, Scotland would always finish first, as well as second through tenth.
*Seriously: No.
*Russia will host the 2018 World Cup.
*South Florida’s hurricane season runs from June through the following June.
*You loser.
*OK, I actually have done that. But only a few times.
*For the record, my wife owns an estimated 356 purses.
*Russian for “little sput.”
*True fact: In writing this essay, I tried to read the Wikipedia plot synopsis of The Brothers Karamazov and I could not get through that.
*It wasn’t me.
*BARTENDER: Why the long face?
*Really. Book of Exodus, chapter 25, verse 5.
*The biblical name for the land that is now known as Long Island.
*This might not technically be true, but it adds strength to my argument.
*Actually, we call them “assholes,” but I don’t want you learning that word from your grandfather.
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