I Had to Let You Go

by Emma Quinn

  “You spoil him rotten!” Emily was always telling me, and I knew I did, but I had no intentions of stopping.

  I wanted to give Luca everything I could. And since I moved to New York, I'd been earning a steady, growing wage and who else was I going to spend it on? No, I wanted Ethan to get the best and that meant kitting him out in all the best designer clothes.

  He stood on the sidewalk now in front of my Mercedes looking like a miniature catwalk model.

  “Mom are you going to be working late?” he asked as he slipped his hands into mine.

  “I think so. But Auntie Emily will pick you up from school and make you dinner. How does that sound?”

  “Meh,” he shrugged. “She should just move in with us. I spend so much time with her.”

  He was right, and I'd continuously offered her our spare room.

  “I don't wanna be a bother,” she'd always say, and then I'd leave it for a few weeks before bringing the idea up again.

  We stood outside her apartment block and ran the buzzer. As usual, she answered right away and the door clicked open. Luca ran ahead, sprinting up the stairs two at a time.

  “Woah, slow down Usain Bolt. You might trip.”

  “No I won't, Mom!”

  He was already on the second door by the time I reached the first landing and running head first into Emily's arms.

  “Hi, Auntie Emily!”

  “Morning, Squirt! What you got there? You been coloring?”

  She took his book from his hands and clapped a hand to her mouth.

  “Wow! This is incredible.”

  “It was supposed to be a cat, but I got bored and added the extra horns and fire. It's a dragon now.”

  “A very cute dragon. You're quite the artist. Come on. Let's get you inside. You had breakfast yet?”

  “You know what he's like,” I said, catching up. “He had a full bowl of cereal, but half an hour later he was moaning that he was hungry again.”

  “I'll get some fruit and juice,” said Emily, leading us all inside.

  Luca ran into her lounge where he did a running jump onto her couch before commando rolling over the back of it and landing on the floor with a thud.

  “Tada!” he yelled as he stood up and threw his arms up in the air, presenting himself to the room like a gymnast.

  “Christ, how are you so hyper this early in the morning?” asked Emily from the kitchen. “I swear your mother fed you Red Bull instead of milk when you were a baby.”

  He began running around in circles, doing laps around the couch while making ambulance noises.

  “Luca...”

  He ignored me.

  “Luca!”

  He stopped dead and stared at me with his mouth open.

  “Will you calm down?” I asked. “You have to behave nicely at Auntie Emily's.”

  Sheepishly, he flopped down on the couch and mumbled, “Sorry, Mom.”

  Emily returned from the kitchen with a bowl full of grapes and apple pieces along with a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice.

  “Thanks, Emily!” he sang as he took it all gratefully.

  “Yes, thank you!” I parroted. “I honestly don't know what I would do without you. If you hadn't moved to New York too I'd be forking out a fortune on childcare.”

  “Hey, it's what friends are for, right?” she smiled.

  Not long after I graduated from Harvard, and got my place at McSweeney and Sons, she'd decided that big city life was for her too. So two weeks after I arrived, she turned up at the bus station carrying all her belongings stuffed into two suitcases.

  For a full month she slept on the couch of our old apartment until she found a job working freelance as a graphic designer. Now she had the enviable life of working from her home office while Luca spent the day with her.

  I, on the other hand, worked at least ten hours a day in the busy central headquarters for McSweeney and Sons, the most illustrious lawyers' firm in the city, if not the country.

  When I'd just started, senior partner Lloyd McSweeney, a man that looked more like a pit bull than a man, was intent on expanding the firm out across the country. And he'd done it with ease. Now there were nearly as many offices as there were states and Lloyd was raking in the cash.

  It was a pleasure to work for him, and I loved every second of my job. The only problem was that I had to leave Luca in Emily's care, and that meant I was missing out on vital hours I should have spent with him.

  When he's older all he's going to remember is me working constantly, I always thought to myself. I'm not like the other fun moms he gets to see at his friends' houses. The moms that are always at home baking and acting like Mary Poppins.

  “Hey, stop it,” said Emily.

  “Stop what?”

  “Thinking.”

  “Eh?”

  “You're doing that face that you always do when you're thinking about stuff and letting it all get on top of you. Just stop it.”

  “Wow, you ever think about making a career as a psychic?”

  “I'm not a psychic. I just know you better than you know yourself. Now go. If you want to make it to the office in time you'll need to get a move on. From the sound of all the honking out there I take it the traffic is mental.”

  “It always is. All right, I'll leave you two to it. Luca, you promise to be good?”

  “Yes, Mom,” he moaned as he rolled his eyes.

  “And you'll study hard at school?”

  “I don't need to study hard. School is easy.”

  Emily shot me a knowing look.

  “The boy's a genius,” she said. “I don't even know why you send him to school. He should be at some academy for gifted children or something.”

  His face lit up at hearing this.

  “Like X-Men!” he beamed.

  “Don't go giving him ideas,” I laughed. “Right, I'll see you both later.”

  I gave Luca a great big hug and he kissed me back smelling like oranges.

  “Miss you already,” I said. “Love you.”

  “Love you, Mom.”

  Emily saw me to the door with an apologetic smile.

  “He'll be fine,” she said. “Stop worrying.”

  “I'm not worrying I'm just... I dunno. I wish I didn't have to take up your time like this. Feel like I'm just palming him off on you.”

  “Don't say that. I love Luca. You know that. I love having him around.”

  “I know but...”

  “But nothing. Now get going!”

  She practically pushed me out the door before giving me a quick hug and disappearing back inside. I could hear Luca laughing already, the two of them squealing as they played. I wished it was me in there getting to enjoy my son.

  Walking out into the street, I gave myself a shake in a bid to snap myself out of mom mode. Then I got into my car and drove away.

  “Okay, get your head in the game. You've got a long day at work.”

  Or at least I would do if I could just get to the office. It seemed as though the traffic was tailed back for miles and totally gridlocked. I had no choice but to remain still among the stagnant cars.

  “Ah, crap. I hate this city!”

  Cursing myself for driving to work instead of taking the subway, I tried to breathe and relax. Looking out the window, I watched the world go by. It appeared as though everyone was living out the central characters of their own plays. A girl strutted by dressed to the nines and yelling into her phone.

  Diva, I thought. I wonder what she's so angry about?

  Behind her, a little old lady ambled along slowly talking to a little Yorkshire terrier that limped along at her ankles. The old thing looked as old as she did and ready to drop.

  At one point it stopped walking altogether. For a second, I panicked and though it was going to collapse. Then, to my relief, it leaned over, lifted a leg and peed on a nearby wall before trotting off again.

  It was then that I noticed the wall he'd peed against had a poster. Almost twenty foot tall and t
aking up the entire back wall of an apartment block, the ad for a new film called The Rampage shone brightly.

  Immediately, my eyes were drawn to the main character silhouetted in the center. Dressed in a leather jacket and jeans like a modern day James Dean, he looked as though he was trying to kick his way out the poster. Behind him, an explosion sent out waves of fire that shone around him like a halo.

  My stomach pulled itself into a tight knot as my eyes scanned the name along the top of the poster in bright white capital letters.

  Ethan McBrayne...

  Unable to look at it any longer, I turned and looked out the opposite window, but I couldn't forget what I had seen. Ethan was everywhere. If I wasn't seeing him on billboards I was seeing him on TV, in commercials for cologne, in adverts for new sneakers, on celebrity blogs in glamorous night clubs.

  I didn't want to ever see him again, but it wasn't like I had a choice. Right now he was the hottest actor in Hollywood and that meant he was everywhere.

  What if Luca was here right now? I thought. What if he'd seen the poster? Would he have asked to see the movie?

  At the moment, Luca was too young to know about all the sex-filled, violent movies that his father was in. But inevitably as he got older, he'd have to see one of his movies eventually. There was barely a single person on the planet who hadn't seen one of his movies!

  At last, the traffic ahead began to move and I drove away, but not before laying my eyes on the poster one last time.

  Why did I do that? I should have just ignored it.

  But I couldn't stop myself. He was the father of my child. And every time I saw him I was instantly flooded with all the memories of being with him once again.

  Get him out your head. He dumped you, remember?

  But it wasn't so easy to just forget him. Not when I saw his face looking back at me every time I tucked Luca into bed or gave him a bath.

  As I drove toward the office, I felt a lump form in my throat. But I wasn't upset about Ethan. I was upset for Luca.

  He had to know who his father was. But at the same time Ethan wanted nothing to do with me. He was a self-obsessed bastard, and he was famous now anyway. He probably didn't even remember me.

  The headquarters for McSweeney and Sons loomed up on the horizon. Even on a street where all the buildings were supersized, the office block towered above all the others. Some people had thought it was because Lloyd was compensating for something in the trouser department. But luckily, I was never that close to him to know if it was true or not.

  Parking up in my space in the underground lot, I checked my appearance in the rear view mirror, smoothed down my skirt, grabbed my briefcase and walked out.

  “Okay, get your business hat on,” I told myself as I entered the elevator.

  Stepping out onto the seventh floor, I was instantly greeted by our receptionist, Gina who was in the middle of taking three calls at once. But she still managed to have the time to flash me a smile and welcome me with a steaming extra large Americano.

  “You're a star, Gina,” I mouthed as she returned to her calls.

  She winked and gave me a thumbs up before yelling into the receiver.

  “I've already told you, Sir! No retainer, no representation!”

  I left her to it and walked down the long, red carpeted hall toward my office. Situated right at the end, it was the most peaceful room on the floor. My own little sanctuary among the chaos of the building.

  It sounded as though in every room I passed, someone was yelling or swearing frantically.

  This place is a fucking zoo, I thought as I entered my office and slammed the door shut.

  From the room next door I could hear one of our newest recruits, Tony having an animated discussion with a client. Still being new, he hadn't realized how thin the walls were.

  “I'm sorry but you're not going to get a divorce settlement at the value you want when your wife, or should I say ex-wife, caught you pile driving your nanny in the games room.”

  Taking a seat at my desk, I slipped in my earbuds, switched on my computer, and tuned the world out. Or at least I tried to.

  As soon as the music began to play, a knock sounded from the door.

  “Come in!” I called as I pulled my earphones out.

  The door opened as though it had been forced by a typhoon, and in the doorway stood Lloyd, his bald head shining beneath the fluorescent lights.

  “Oh, hello, Mr McSweeney! It's a pleasure to see you.”

  Trying my hardest to look cool and confident, I slowly rose from my chair before striding over to warmly shake his hand.

  “Please, call me Lloyd.”

  Without invitation, he strode across my room and took a seat in front of my desk. He looked around at my things as though he was trying to evaluate everything about me.

  What is he doing here? He never drops in on me like this. Am I in trouble?

  But by the look on his face, I had done nothing wrong. If anything it was the opposite.

  “You're quite the rising star around here,” he said with a smile.

  A little swell of pride rose inside me.

  “I can see you've put in a lot of work.”

  “Yes,” I said, taking a seat. “I enjoy the work, and it's a pleasure to be here.”

  “That's what I like to hear! I've go to say. You've got one of the best attitudes in this office.”

  On cue, Tony next door started yelling at full volume.

  “Pile driving the nanny, Kyle! You can't come back from that!”

  Lloyd pretended he never heard a thing and turned his attention to my framed photograph of Luca on my desk. It was taken almost two years ago, and he had grown so much since then. He was smiling brightly with his two front milk teeth missing and big dimples set into his cheeks.

  “Your son?” asked Lloyd.

  “Yes that's Luca. He's seven.”

  “He's a handsome boy, isn't he?”

  “He certainly is.”

  “Real movie star looks already. Just look at that smile. I bet he'll grow up to be a real heart breaker.”

  He set the picture back down and I protectively slid it closer to me.

  “I'll not waste your time,” said Lloyd, changing his tone. “So let's get down to business. You're a real genius in this place. We all admire you upstairs. You've made quite an impression on the big boys.”

  “I have?”

  I tried not to look as excited as I felt. Outwardly, I kept a cool appearance, and gave a polite smile and nod. But inside, I was giddy like a schoolgirl and ready to burst out my skin.

  “You definitely have,” said Lloyd. “So much so that we've been putting our heads together to find a way for you to advance through the company. Lord know you're lost down here with the Tonys of the world.”

  Through the thin wall, we could still hear him yelling, but this time his voice was joined by his client who was sobbing like a lunatic.

  “I couldn't help myself! You should have seen her tight ass, Tony! I shouldn't have to share my millions over such a tiny indiscretion!”

  “Infidelity is more than a little indiscretion,” explained Tony. “In a court of law it means everything.”

  “Aaaaargh!” wailed Kyle. “Nooooooooo!”

  “Aaaaanyway,” continued Lloyd, leaning forward and clasping his hands together on my desk. “I wanted to come and discuss a potential position with you. We're looking for a new senior partner. Someone to be join us in the big leagues here at McSweeney and Sons.”

  At first I thought I'd heard wrong. Me, a senior partner? That couldn't be what he meant, could it? I stared blankly at him for a second, trying to process what he had said.

  “You look quite frightened by the idea,” noted Lloyd.

  “No! No, not at all. Quite the contrary. I'm just surprised.”

  “Surprised? There's no need to be surprised that we'd consider you. You're one of the best lawyers I've ever had the pleasure of working with.”

  I could feel my c
heeks redden and my heart bounce.

  “So I'm assuming becoming a senior partner is something you'd be interested in?” he asked with a single raised eyebrow.

  “Of course!” I replied, almost yelling with enthusiasm. “I mean I would be honored to reach such a position.”

  “Good,” grinned Lloyd. “It should be fairly simple for you. I'm assigning you a new case as an... How do I put it? As an assessment.”

  “An assessment?”

  “Yes. A way in which we can test your capabilities with our biggest, most famous clients. Should you do well on the case then you'll easily walk right into the senior partner position.”

  “Oh...”

  Now it was starting to sound a little scary. I was sure it was nothing I couldn't handle. After all, I was a hard worker and driven to be the best. I knew my job inside out. But I could feel the pressure begin to weigh down on me.

  An assessment. I didn't like the sound of that. It reminded me of being back at school.

  “Don't worry,” added Lloyd. “I think you'll breeze right through it. It's nothing you haven't done before. The only difference is that this client is quite possibly one of the most famous people this company has ever represented.”

  “May I ask who they are?”

  He paused for a second for dramatic effect and smirked.

  “I think you'll be excited to know it's a man most women could only dream of getting close to.”

  He paused again to let the words sink in.

  For the love of God just spit it out and tell me who it is!

  “Will I have heard of him?” I asked.

  “Oh... Everyone in the world has heard of him. It's Ethan McBrayne.”

  Instantly, a dizziness swept through my head, and I had to lay a hand on my desk to steady myself.

  “Are you okay?”

  I swayed for a moment and took in a deep breath.

  “I'm sorry. For a second there I was sure you said it was Ethan McBrayne.”

  “Yes, that's right. Is that a problem?”

  “Erm...”

  “Because I think you'll be the perfect person for this job. And it means you'll have to temporarily relocate to Los Angeles too. Who wouldn't want to do that? Think of the sunshine and the glamour. Think of getting out of this rainy, dirty city.”