Little Miss Lovesick

by Kitty Bucholtz

  Trent handed me my keys. “Be careful.”

  The way he looked at me, then over his shoulder toward the restaurant door, I’m sure there was a double entendre there.

  “Thanks, Trent. For the lucky socks.”

  “Glad to be of service, ma’am,” he said with a little bow. I laughed.

  “I’ll see you Monday,” I said. “Drive safe.” He smiled and waved as I pulled away.

  Trent had definitely salvaged what had looked to be a pitiful, lonely night for me. But seeing Matt, well, it looked like the night would still have a pitiful and lonely end.

  CHAPTER 26

  I DIDN’T sleep well that night, dreaming of Matt. And Trent. And the good parts of the evening as well as the bad. For the most part, it was one long nightmare. Even though I was awake (sort of) by five, I barely got myself out of bed in time to meet Patty at seven. She looked me over, gave me a hug, and said, “Let’s walk while we talk.”

  I hadn’t decided how much I wanted her to know, but by the time I finished venting, she knew everything. At the very least, I feltso relieved to get it all out. Maybe now I could make some sense of it.

  “I swear I didn’t know he was in the bar last night. I would’ve gone over and talked to him. By the time Ididsee him, he looked seriously pissed off.” I gestured with my walking stick. “Heshould’ve come over and said hi tome then!”

  Patty chuckled. “Men don’t always see things the way we do.”

  “Well, that’s stupid,” I grumbled. “I can understand him being mad if he saw the next part, but I’m sure he didn’t.”

  Patty looked curious. “Why? What was the next part?”

  “Uh, Trent kinda kissed me. It’s embarrassing now, in the light of day.” I refused to look up to see Patty’s reaction. “But he was talking about wanting a wife and liking a girl and I didn’t get that he meant me. Then I said I should apply to be his wife even though there are no sparks, and then he kissed me to prove there could be, only there wasn’t. Then we went home. Just friends.”

  I grimaced as Patty laughed. “It’s not that funny, Patty.”

  “I beg to differ.” She laughed some more and put her arm around my shoulder, giving me a quick hug and letting go.

  “Well,anyway, I was hoping you could tell me what to do.” I waited for her words of wisdom to pour forth like a geyser, or at least a spring, but we walked in silence.

  I looked over at her. “This would be the part where you share your life’s wisdom,” I whispered.

  At least I made her laugh.

  We reached a part of the trail where a deep, green valley stretched off to one side. A couple of well-placed boulders provided seating of sorts. We sat and opened our water bottles.

  “What do you want me to tell you?”

  I looked at her like it was obvious. “What todo.”

  She smiled and looked out over the valley. “Well, what do you want? You want to force him to accept your apology? Think like you think? Be what you want him to be? Because those things are impossible.”

  Ah, I began to see what she was getting at.

  I sat and thought. Whatdid I want? I remembered how much fun I’d always had around him, even in Abundance Creek when I’d only just met him. I thought of his smile and his laugh and his eyes.

  “It’s weird,” I mused aloud. “Even when I’m mad at him, I’m not, like, so mad I never want to see him again. I just want us to figure things out and move on. He makes me happy. Even when he’s not around. I like it.”

  “Do you love him?”

  The question should’ve surprised me. For months, my only thoughts on love had revolved around Dirk and why hedidn’t love me anymore. Even though he’d recently tried to convince me that he did, I didn’t believe him. And though I knew I’d loved him once, I was beginning to realize that I no longer did. But what about Matt?

  “I’m afraid to. What if he doesn’t love me? What if my heart gets broken again? What if I do something to screw it up? What if Ialready did?” Panic took my breath away.

  “Now you know how Matt feels.”

  I frowned and glanced quickly at Patty. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s probably never told you anything about his family.”

  I shook my head.

  “No, he wouldn’t.” Patty sighed. “Because he’s afraid of the stories.” She shook her head and smiled, then looked at me and asked, “Does he hiccup around you?”

  I giggled. “Does hehiccup? No, why?”

  “When you two are flirting or kissing, he doesn’t hiccup or cough or anything?” Patty chuckled when I shook my head in confusion. “Then Matt’s afraid he’ll become impotent.”

  “What?” My shriek echoed across the valley.

  Patty laughed at my expression. “I know, it sounds ridiculous. Itis ridiculous, of course, but the Engel’s have a legend to explain generations of broken families. They say if an Engel man hiccups around a girl, he probably won’t have the nerve to marry her, but if he does, there’s only a small chance it will last.”

  I stared at Patty like she was crazy. “Who lies awake at night coming up with these things?”

  Patty smiled and kept going. “If he doesn’t hiccup or cough around her, and he marries the girl, they’ll be happy for a couple years, probably have a child or two, but then he’ll become impotent. That will, of course, be so humiliating that he’ll leave her.”

  “You’re making this up,” I said, laughing. “You’re just trying to make me laugh so I’ll feel better.”

  “I wish. Remember I told you Matt’s mother and I were friends? She couldn’t decide if she liked Ted or Will best. Both boys pursued her, but Ted couldn’t stop hiccupping when they were alone together. He was afraid of the legend, told me later he loved her too much to risk ruining her life, that his entire family history proved the legend was real.”

  I wondered if Matt really believed any of this. Broken homes can cause more broken homes. Hiccups can’t.

  “Will asked her to marry him and, since Ted never asked, she married Will. Within two years, Matt was born and Will was gone. He wrote her a letter telling her about the legend. Said that’s why it wasn’t his fault.”

  “I take it Uncle Ted’s been a bachelor all his life?” I asked skeptically.

  Patty nodded. “But I know he desperately wanted to marry Matt’s mother after Will left her.”

  I frowned, trying to figure out how modern men could believe such nonsense. “But it’s not real,” I said. “It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, not a real curse or something.”

  “I know.” Patty shrugged.

  “And Matt knows about this? And believes it?” I couldn’t wrap my head around that idea.

  “He knows about it,” Patty said. “I don’t know what he believes. He doesn’t talk about his family or their history.”

  I was quiet for a moment, trying to digest this bizarre twist. “Well…he doesn’t hiccup, but…when we’re kissing it doesn’t feel like impotence will be a problem for him.”

  Patty covered her mouth with her hand and tried to hide her laughter. I giggled. “Problem is,” she said, “that’s part of the legend. Stud becomes gelding.”

  I laughed, then sobered. It was funny, but not if Matt believed it. “So, maybe he likes me and is afraid of what might happen?” I had a thought. “And maybe that’s why he was so mad at me when I said I wasn’t going to sleep with him,” I said quietly.

  I sat on the rock, staring out over the valley, weighing it all in my mind. Poor Matt. What a horrible story to hear, and maybe fear or believe, growing up. But how did understanding him help our present crisis?

  “I’m still not sure what to do, Patty. Matt seems too smart to be superstitious. But I rather doubt he’d take it well if I started discussing his family secrets.”

  “I don’t know what to tell you, sweetie. We all have baggage. The key is to find someone who will let you carry some of theirs, and who you’ll let carry some of yours. Then, together, you cho
ose to leave some of it behind. Don’t walk away from a good relationship just because it’s difficult.”

  “You aren’t suggesting I forgive Dirk and let him win me back, are you? He was giving me a speech about forgiveness earlier.” I didn’t know what I was going to do if Patty agreed withthat statement.

  “Marriage is a promise to not give up until you die. Dating carries no such promises. If you still love Dirk and trust him and believe the two of you can put his infidelities behind you —permanently — that’s one thing. But you don’t owe him anything, not even a second chance. Do you understand the difference?”

  I nodded. I felt like the weight of the world — theguiltof the world — had lifted from my shoulders. I feltfree. “I feel so much better,” I told her. “I still don’t know what to do, but I’m not ready to give up on Matt yet.”

  “Good.” Patty laughed with me. “I don’t know what you should do either. But you’ll figure it out.”

  More than ever, I wanted to work things out with Matt. I couldn’t wait to get home and call him.

  CHAPTER 27

  WHY in the world would I call him?

  I stared up at the ceiling, thinking. After coming home from my morning hike with Patty, I took a long shower. I always think of great ideas in the shower. But I couldn’t figure out what to say to Matt when I called. I needed to come up with a reason. Something that wouldn’t sound stupid. I lay on my bed, staring into space, trying out different possibilities.

  “Hi Matt, good to see you last night.” Yeah, right.

  “Hey, listen, I’ve thought of a name for your puppy, if you haven’t thought of one already.” Yes? And the name is? That’s what I thought.

  “What do you think of the color red, Matt? It reminds me of hell, which is what I’ve been going through since the last time we talked.”

  That one might actually work, whispered a Voice.

  I rolled over and pounded my pillow. I pretend-cried as I lay there. You know what I mean. You’ve done it. That sound when you’re imitating a child crying: Hh-hhuuuuhhh-hhuuuuhhh.

  My stomach growled.

  The fact that it sounded like it was replying to the crying made me laugh. I smothered my laughter in my pillow. There was nothing funny about this. Unless you counted Matt’s family’s legend. And I hardly think the way to iron things out is to tell him how ridiculous it is.

  I was tired. I was hungry. And I couldn’t think of one good reason to call Matt.

  But Ihad to.

  I miss him, sighed Little Miss Lovesick.

  “Me, too,” I sighed aloud.

  You really should keep some snacks by the bed, piped up another Voice.

  Not unless you want to buy some larger clothes, said another.

  Maybe I could explain about the emotional baggage. Somehow let him know that I’m not pressuring him for anything, just want to share the load. Of course, I’d have to make sure not to let on how much I know. Patty mentioned I might want to keep our conversation a secret for the next coupleyears. That whole privacy thing he has going.

  I’ll tell him I’m sorry he’s angry. That was certainly the truth. Hey, maybe we should get something to eat. He seems to be in a good mood when he’s eating.

  I opened my eyes and rolled onto my back. My stomach growled again. Speaking of food. I rolled out of bed (the place where I do my best thinking, regardless of the fact that I’d been up for hours, hiking and all) and padded into the kitchen.

  I made a piece of peanut butter and jam toast and drank a lemonade (out of OJ). I stood at the counter staring out the window, trying to come up with the right words.

  “Don’t hang up. It’s me. I’m sorry about last night.”

  Nah, there’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t know he was there. You didn’t do anything wrong.

  Don’t be a rug, remember? said Sergeant Pride.

  I finished my toast and tarried over the juice. Chicken. That’s me. Hmm, maybe I should say that.

  “Matt, I’m just a big chicken. I’m afraid to say what I really think or what I really feel because people just don’t. No one does.”

  I finished my juice and picked up the phone. True or not, it wouldn’t work. Let’s go back to option one.

  The phone began to ring and I began to shake. This was a very bad idea.

  “Hello?”

  Hang up! screamed a Voice.

  I took a deep breath. “Don’t hang up. I want to apologize.”

  Silence.

  “Matt, I’m not sure that we started out on the right foot. First, the vacation flirting when I didn’t think I’d see you again. Then the weirdness when we saw each other at GT’s. And now the problems we’ve created with our emotional baggage.”

  Once I heard myself say it out loud, it sounded exactly right. And undeniably stupid.

  “If I could make everything perfect, if I could start over with you as a happy, healthy woman with no issues and no past, I would. I’d make us people who could tell the truth all the time, the right way, without misunderstandings.”

  I paused. I sounded like I had my heart on my sleeve. And like I watched soap operas all day.

  I sighed. “But I can’t make things perfect.” I half-laughed. “I can’t even make things just okay. But I can apologize for my part in making you angry. I’m sorry.”

  I waited. I could barely breathe.

  “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  Typical guy answer.

  “Say whatever you want, so long as it’s the truth. I think we’re good enough friends that we can handle it.”

  There was another silence, then — “I don’t want to do this anymore.”

  My mind raced. Do what? Talk on the phone? Be honest? See each other?

  “Uh, what exactly are you referring to?”

  “This. This dating game shit. I told you at the beginning that I don’t play games.”

  Uh, okay. Confused. What games? He’s the one acting like an idiot now.

  “Sorry, you lost me.”

  “The whole set up — you getting another guy to drool over you when I’m sitting right there.” He sounded frustrated now, and more angry by the second. “Girls who try to make guys jealous to try to cure some kind of imagined commitment phobia. Everything is calculated to find the moment to move in for the kill. I’ve dated girls like that before and I’m not doing it anymore.”

  Now I was the one who was mad! But I was determined to be the calm, rational one here.

  “First of all, I don’t know what you think you saw, but there wasn’t anyone drooling over me. Trent’s a co-worker, for Pete’s sake! Second—”

  “I saw him. The guy has the hots for you.”

  “Second of all, I’m not trying to cure you of anything, least of all your self-described commitment phobia. Though if—”

  “I don’t have commitment phobia!”

  “—I had to give my opinion, I’d say you’re right on target.”

  “I’m not afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of psycho women who—”

  “Are you calling me a psycho?”

  “—will do anything to get a man to marry them!”

  “Who’s trying to get married?You won’t even admit that we’re dating! According to you, we’re just eating together a lot.”

  “You want honesty? Fine, here’s honesty! I’m not the marrying type, okay? So you can go spread your net somewhere else. I’m not interested!”

  “Well, you sure fooled me. For someone who’s not interested, you’ve been seeing an awful lot of me!”

  “Like you’ve ever said no when I called!”

  “I didn’t say no because Iliked you. Past tense!”

  “No problem! I won’t be calling again. Don’t worry, though. Your back-up groom looks like he’s willing and ready.”

  “You are well and truly warped! Talk about psychos!”

  Dial tone.

  I can’t believe that psycho hung up on me!

  I can’t believe that incre
dible hunk was psycho, exclaimed Lovesick.What a disappointment.

  I hung up the phone and leaned against the kitchen counter, shaking. This was unbelievable. Simply unbelievable.

  Good riddance, said Sergeant Pride.

  That boy needs a reality check, said another Voice.And an attitude adjustment.

  And a good smack upside the head, said Another.

  I started to take a step to toss my juice bottle in the trash. Unsteady, I leaned against the counter. I couldn’t stop shaking. I was so angry. And hurt.

  And mystified as to how I could be so good at choosing the wrong men. I mean, thereally wrong men.

  I tossed the bottle away and moved to my junk drawer. I pulled out a black magic marker and walked to my briefcase on the kitchen counter.

  I pulled out The Plan and twisted the cap off the marker. Reading through number six, I bit the inside of my lip and told myself not to cry. Then I obliterated Matt and any plans I thought I had with him.

  CHAPTER 28

  I STOOD at the kitchen table staring down at the paper with the huge black gash through it. I refused to cry. I’d cried enough over love in the last six months. No more tears. Just call me Johnson & Johnson.

  I walked over to the refrigerator and looked inside. Nothing interesting. I opened the freezer. Frozen dinners. Frozen chicken. I moved the Bag o’Breasts to see if any ice cream was hiding in the back.

  Nada. Then I remembered I’d finished the Godiva a few days ago while doing some paperwork.

  I closed the freezer door and leaned my forehead against it. The cool surface felt good against my face. Some ice cream would make me feel even better. I grabbed my car keys and purse and left.

  At the store, I got a cart and went up and down the aisles. So long as I was here, I might as well make it a regular shopping trip. Then I wouldn’t have to come back.

  I bought some Sun Chips, regular and cheddar. A few pounds of strawberries and apples. Then I noticed the caramel and chocolate dipping sauces, so I bought one of each.

  I noticed a package of bear claws near the bakery and decided to pick that up for tomorrow. My mom always used to buy doughnuts on Sundays. Granted, this package would feed a family of four, but hey, it was all they had.