Coming Out

by Lila Rose

  My plan fucking failed completely.

  “Julian baby, how you doing?” I looked up the stairs and found my neighbour, Melissa, coming out of her place.

  “Hey, sexy lady, I’m doing good. Could be better if I had a hot member warming my arse tonight.” She giggled. “What are you up to, girl?” I asked, coming to a stop right in front of her where she threw herself at me for a hug.

  “Going out for a drink, feel like tagging along?”

  “Babycakes, I’d love to, but I’m buggered. Maybe another night,” I said, placing a kiss on her cheek and moving across the hall to my apartment door.

  “I’ll take you up on that, mister. Next weekend, I want your beautiful face out with me. We’ll get sloshed, pick up guys, and fuck them silly.”

  “Aw, sweetcheeks, sounds like a perfect plan. I haven’t had my dick sucked in a long time. I’m a man in need of some lovin’ from a hot piece of meat.”

  There was a gasp behind me. Melissa and I both spun to see who it came from and I found my parents standing at the top of the stairs.

  Turning back to my door, I banged my head against it. Fuck. That was all I needed.

  “Julian?” Melissa’s voice was quiet, the tremor in it told me she was scared. Still, her glare indicated her annoyance that my parents had shown up.

  Looking over my shoulder, I said, “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

  I’d lived in the apartment building for two years now, so Melissa knew my parents. She hated them, just like I did. She also knew I was in deep shit.

  “J-man,” Melissa uttered.

  Shaking my head, I unlocked my door and pushed it open. “I’ll be fine. Have a good night out, Melissa.” My voice was hard, cold and wasn’t my own. I could never act myself in front of my parents. They hated it. Hated me and the way I was.

  Walking into my living room, I left the front door open, knowing my parents would follow. Dad wouldn’t let me get away with how I just spoke, and soon enough, all the warmth from the room evaporated. Meaning my parents had just entered, bringing their cold hearts with them.

  “Would you like a coffee?” I asked and headed to the kitchen. I heard the front door being slammed shut behind me and I cringed. Then I hated myself for cringing.

  Fuck’s sake. I was a thirty-six-year-old man and I was still scared of my parents.

  Okay, that was a lie. My mum, I couldn’t give two hoots about, like she did with me. However, my dear old dad was another story. I was petrified of him and he knew it. He loved it and thrived on it.

  “Get in here, Julian,” Dad yelled.

  For a moment, as I braced my hands on the kitchen bench and closed my eyes bowing my head, I wished I could change how I was. I wished I wasn’t so…gay.

  And I wished I wasn’t born to those two people out in my living room.

  Still, no amount of wishing changed any of it.

  Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes, turned and started for the living room. When I walked in, I saw Mum by the door with her hands in front of her, wringing them together. She looked bored, and…worried.

  Dad was further in the living room and as soon as I entered, he started for me. I knew not to back up; he enjoyed the chase too much. So I stopped and stood still, waiting for what was to come.

  “What in the fuck do you think you were doing out there in the hall?” he demanded. Spittle flew from his mouth onto my face.

  “I was talking,” I said plainly. Nothing like the way I usually talked, like the way I liked to talk…when I was my true self, the way I wanted to be.

  “Do you always talk like a little girl? You sounded disgusting.” He sneered.

  “I’m sorry you felt that way.”

  “You’re sorry…no, I’m sorry that I have a son that’s fucking putrid. You will not speak like that again. You will not disgrace me like that ever again. Do you hear me, Julian?”

  Rolling my eyes, I replied, “Yes, Dad.”

  Shit, fuck, shit.

  He saw the eye roll.

  I knew he saw it when his fist collided with my eye.

  Staggering back with my hands over my face, I heard Mum snort.

  Another fist landed to my stomach. I doubled over.

  “I hate what you are. So many days I wished I had a real son. A son who I’d be proud of. Instead, I’m stuck with a faggot like you.”

  “Then leave me alone. Have nothing to do with me. I don’t care. I didn’t want that job anyway. Why did you do that to me?”

  He scoffed as Mum walked up to me and slapped me across my upturned face. Standing straighter, I stepped away from her. How could I have thought she’d be worried for my own sake? That would never happen.

  “You will not talk to your father like that. We have been nothing but good to you after everything you have done to us. You shame us all the time, Julian. But you won’t any longer; I won’t have it. You will stay in that job, Julian. You will do as you are told or else—”

  “You’ll go to your grandfather’s,” Dad said, interrupting Mum.

  Laughing, I said, “You can’t do that, Dad. I’m thirty-fucking-six. I don’t have to do anything you say.”

  He smiled then and there was nothing nice about it. “You don’t do as we say, Julian, then we’ll send your cousin, Monica, to your grandfather’s.”

  My eyes widened. “You wouldn’t.” I choked back my bile, my hand going over my mouth. “You can’t. Aunt Flo won’t let that happen.”

  Oh, God. Monica was only fourteen. If they had any sway whatsoever in doing what they said, then Monica’s life would be changed forever.

  After all, they had done the same to me when I was only twelve. When I returned home, I was different, I wasn’t the same boy I had been.

  “It would have nothing to do with your aunt. She wouldn’t have a choice, especially when I’ve been the one to keep my brother financially stable. My brother would do as I said or else he would lose any money he was getting from me, and you know he won’t let that happen…no matter what.”

  He wouldn’t either. He was under my father’s thumb like many people.

  Hell, like I was.

  “You’d really send a fourteen-year-old girl to a molester?”

  Mum shook her head and smiled. “That’s only what you say, Julian.”

  Yes, they’d never believed their twelve-year-old son when he came home from his trip, from the devil himself, and told them his own grandfather had done things to him no other man should have.

  “You both make me sick,” I whispered.

  “I guess the feeling is mutual.” Dad chuckled. “Now, you will stay in that job and you will stop acting like a little crazy girl, or your cousin will be seeing your favourite person very soon. Do you understand me, Julian?”

  “I’m not deaf, Daddy dearest.”

  I shouldn’t have, but I was tired. I was upset and angry.

  A lesson of never talking back like that to my father was taught to me a long time ago, which was why I expected his next move. His fist jutted my jaw forcefully to the side; blood spurted from my split lip.

  “Watch your mouth, boy.”

  “He’ll never learn, dear. Never.” Mum sighed.

  “Sometimes, I don’t know why we bother, darling,” Dad said, wrapping his arm around Mum’s shoulders. He turned her and walked to the door. And without a goodbye, fuck you, or I hope you’ll be okay, they left.

  Crumbling to my knees, my forehead hit the floor. A sob tore through my chest.

  Another thing to wish…I wished they never cared. I wished they left me alone.

  But they were ruthless.

  They’d rather send my beautiful, sweet cousin to the wolf so I’d tow their line. They liked control.

  Now I had no choice but to do as they said.

  I had to stay in a job I hated.

  I had to listen to them.

  To protect my cousin.

  My front door opened. I drew up and scampered back on my arse, scared Dad was back to do more damag
e. But he wasn’t.

  Melissa’s cry of concern hit my ears when she spotted me bruised and bloodied on the floor. I sent her a small smile and shrugged.

  “I love having my parents come for a visit.”

  “Julian,” she whispered, her hand going over her heart as she made her way over to me.

  “Why aren’t you out shagging some hottie? I’d go with you now, but I don’t think I’m all that appealing at the moment.” I tried for a laugh.

  “Don’t do that. Be yourself, but don’t joke about this,” she scolded.

  Yeah, right. Being myself was what got me the fist to the eye in the first place. But I didn’t tell her that.

  “Why do you let them in?” she asked as she helped me to stand.

  “Pfft, I have no choice apparently, sweetcheeks. You know that,” I said.

  Melissa knew what my parents were like; she knew they cared about nothing but what people thought of them or who they could control. They liked money and power, and they had it. Melissa also knew what the visits from my parents were like…that was only in the last six months though. Usually, they called for me to go to their place. However, lately, because I skipped those sweet, caring meetings, they came for me. Yeah, Melissa knew that every time they came, trouble came with them.

  Trouble in a way that I’d end up hurt.

  She’d usually hear the yelling and things being thrown around.

  Only that time, they didn’t throw anything, which surprised me. They liked to wreck my things.

  After they left, Melissa was the one who came over to check on me. The first time she saw me she wanted to call the police. I wouldn’t let her, of course. If they knew she was getting involved, they’d be pissed and Melissa would soon find herself in debt or worse.

  “It can’t keep happening, Julian.”

  “Leave it alone, Mel. Please,” I begged, moved my arm from her shoulders and went to the fridge. There, I grabbed a bag of frozen peas and placed them against my aching face.

  “I hate it, J-man. I really hate seeing you like this.”

  “Come on, now, the bruises and cuts bring all the boys to my yard. They think it’s hot.”

  “Why do you do that? You make a joke about it, but I can see what it does to you. I can see the light in your eyes fade away every fucking time they’ve been here, and it lasts at least a week after their goddamn visit.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. “I joke, baby. It’s who I am. I joke to hide many things, but I joke because I want to, I like to, and because they hate it. They hate who I am, how I act, so I do it to defy them in a way.”

  Her own eyes misted. “Okay, honey. Okay, joke away.” She smiled and then walked over to hug me. When I winced, after her arm hit my stomach, she pulled back and glared. She lifted my tee up and I watched her eyes spring wide when she saw my already purple stomach.

  “Fine. Fucking fine. You joke, doesn’t mean I have to. Instead, I’ll fucking…” She took a step back and screamed. Her hands went to her waist and she glared at my stomach once she stopped. “That stupid, motherfucking bastard. How dare he do this to his own son. I’ll cut him. I’ll go there and fuck him up. I swear to Christ, Julian. If he comes near you again, I will go ninja crazy woman on his arse and then…then I’ll fuck your mum up as well for standing here and doing nothing. This…fuck, fuck, fuck.” She stomped her cute, small feet. “It fucking sucks.”

  “Calm down, She-Ra, Princess of Power. I love and spank you very much that you want to rain pain down on my arsehole parents, but this won’t happen again. If my plan goes to…well, plan, then they won’t have anything over me.”

  “What do you mean have something over you? What have they got, Julian? If it’s something on their computer, I can sneak in there and steal it back.”

  Her eyes told me she was serious. For someone who was five-foot nothing, slim and looked like the older version of Punky Brewster, with freckles on her nose and all, she was still one scary woman, if you got on her wrong side.

  “Wow, you really would.” My heart warmed. I was surprised it was so soon after my parents’ visit.

  “Of course, you were the best when I moved in here. In fact, you’re my best friend, Julian. I’ve had a shit past, and done some bad things, but I don’t mind starting back up for you.”

  “What do you mean starting back up?”

  She looked uneasy then. “Oh, uh, nothing. Tell me what they have over you and I’ll get it.”

  Sighing, I said, “It’s not really something they have. It’s more what they’ll do if I don’t do as I’m told.” Placing the bag of peas on the counter, I gestured to the table. “Sit down, my little pumpkin pie, and let Aunty Julian tell you a story.”

  “Will it make me cry?”

  “Possibly.” I nodded.

  “Great. You’ll just have to buy me a whole box of Tim Tams then.”

  Chuckling, I said, “Deal, you monster.”

  Chapter Three

  Mattie

  It had been a week since I last saw Julian. A week I was still my fake self in front of my team mates, work colleagues and friends. At home, things were great. My parents, God, they were amazing. If I could get my everyday life just as great, then things would be better. I wouldn’t feel the need to stay hidden.

  It also took me a week to find out that Julian only visited the locker rooms once a week. So I was keen to see if it was the day he’d show. We were in training season, getting ready for the games that would start in little over a month. After an hour of hard training out on the field, I headed to my locker when Coach yelled my last name. He, like the team members, never called anyone by their first name. “Alexander, you’re up. Get changed and go get a rub down, son. You worked your arse off on the field today. Good job.” As soon as he said that, he disappeared.

  Jackson, the team quarterback, elbowed me in the ribs as he stood next to me at his locker and said, “Yeah, Alexander, go get your rub down.” He laughed like he made the funniest joke, and the others soon joined in with him.

  “Hey,” Peterson called from across the way. “I was just in there. You see the shiner the gay guy’s got?”

  “Nah,” Jackson said. “Though the guy probably deserved it anyway, stupid fag.” They all laughed.

  Fucking idiots.

  Ignoring them all, I stripped off my gear and placed a towel around my waist. I wondered if what Peterson said was true, if Julian did have a black eye, and if so, why?

  Stalking off, I went straight to the door and opened it to find my answer. When I saw Julian’s healing bruise around his eye, hell not only that, but he had a healing cut lip as well, my fists tightened on my towel. I wanted to hit the person who did that to him.

  “What happened?” I demanded.

  Julian scoffed and said, “Well, hello to you too, babycakes.”

  Blushing, I uttered, “Hi.” Damn, I probably acted like a right tool demanding answers. But I wanted, no, I needed to know who did that to him so I could find the fucker and deal with him.

  Never had I felt that possessive.

  Never had I wanted to beat another so badly.

  What was Julian doing to me?

  “You want to shut the door and climb on the table for me, handsome?”

  I wanted to do a lot more, but I couldn’t. Instead, I sighed and shut the door. Turning, I made my way to the table and glanced quickly up at Julian’s face. I was surprised but pleased to find him staring at my body, and then he went and licked his lips.

  Shit, there went my dick again, as though it could feel Julian’s lips and mouth upon it.

  To hide my pounding cock, I jumped onto the table and lay on my stomach. My erection rubbed against the table, wishing it was rubbing against something else.

  And that something was Julian’s arse.

  I’d never had that before either. I knew I was attracted to men more than women. I knew I was gay because a man’s body turned me on more than any woman’s. But I’d never explored that option…meaning, I w
as a virgin in a sense. I’d never had a man’s arse and no guy had been near mine.

  Christ, just thinking of Julian entering my tight hole nearly made me come.

  Once settled, with my face positioned, I took a deep breath to settle my aching cock. It started to relax until Julian’s soft hands touched my back.

  “Fuck,” I whispered through clenched teeth.

  His hands paused. “You okay?” he asked in a soft tone.

  “Ah, yeah.” Sure, fine, damn wonderful. If only my dick wasn’t as hard as a rock.

  Oh, damn. After Julian squirted more oils onto my back, he really started to work my muscles. The movement caused my body to shift slightly up and down on the table, which in turn, caused my dick to rub against the foldout table.

  Jesus. If I didn’t get myself under control, I’d blow all over the towel and table.

  Think of something else damn it.

  “Um…so are you going to tell me what happened?”

  He snorted. “Poppet. The best part about that question is the fact that I don’t have to tell you diddly squat.”

  Poppet.

  He’d called me many pet names, but, for some reason, it was poppet I liked the most. Even though I loved the endearment, I hated he didn’t answer my question. But he was right. He didn’t have to answer if he didn’t want to. I was nothing to him, nothing but an idiot football player.

  “How old are you?” Julian’s sudden question surprised me.

  “Nineteen.” Damn his hands felt good. “You?”

  “God, you’re nineteen?” He groaned. “How is that possible? Aren’t the others older? You look older, act older.”

  I didn’t like the sound of his voice. It was like he hated the fact I was nineteen. Shrugging, I said, “Most are older, around twenty, twenty-one. I think I’m the youngest on the team, but the Coach liked what I could do so he let me in.” Why did I tell him all that?

  “So, this is your first year at university?”

  “Yes…are you going to answer my question?”

  He didn’t say anything for a moment, not until he’d moved and started working my calves. “What question?”

  “How old are you?”