by Rachel Jonas
I reached my decision. I’d keep things to myself. “Nick, I… I know this is going to sound one-sided, but I’m here for you if you need me. If there’s ever anything you want to tell me, vent about, whatever, but… I just can’t talk about my stuff right now,” I breathed. “Mostly because I don’t even know how to talk about it.”
Frustration rose in my throat and I swallowed it down right away. It wouldn’t help and, for all I knew, it could trigger another episode of combustion. The only good thing about that would be that I’d no longer have to search for the words to tell Nick what was going on.
He was quiet. A little too quiet.
I hurt his feelings.
“I get it,” he breathed. “Just… thought I’d put it out there.”
This felt wrong. It felt like the threads that brought us together a short time ago were coming undone and I really didn’t want that. He was the one good thing that came from moving here and I wasn’t ready to let go.
When my feet stopped on the pavement, I had no plan.
Wasn’t sure what to do.
Wasn’t sure what to say.
But I knew I had to say something.
“Listen I—” The words caught in my throat, like feet tangled in seaweed. He scared me to a certain degree. Scared me because he made me feel things I couldn’t remember ever feeling for another guy. But I had two choices.
One: I could keep it all bottled up and lose him.
Or, two: I could stop punking out and just… tell him how I felt.
“Nick, I want this. The kiss… it made any trace of uncertainty I had fade away.”
I felt like I was back there, reliving that night. Not the bad parts, only the best ones—dancing so close to him his air was mine, feeling like I was the only girl in that whole building he could see, kissing him until my knees became weak. He was more than just some boy I was crushing on. While, I wasn’t ready to slap any labels on what we were, I did want him to know one thing.
“I don’t want to lose you.”
It wasn’t everything I wanted to say, but it felt like the most important part. I needed him to know I wasn’t trying to pull away, wasn’t trying to renege on my feelings for him. It was exactly what I said a moment ago; I just needed to work through some things.
Was it fair to expect him to be patient? Maybe not, but he had a good enough heart that I felt confident hoping.
The air was stolen right out of my lungs. Or… maybe I just forgot how to breathe, but my head spun at the feel of soft lips moving against mine—slow, warm. Heat spread from my stomach outward through my limbs as I was pulled closer. There was always this sense of being safe and protected when I was with him and, more than anything, I needed that right now.
Nick pressed his forehead to mine when our lips separated. He was close enough for me to inhale him deeply, feeling like we were one and always would be. He spoke and the sound of his voice was dizzying.
“You can’t lose me, Evie.” Something in his tone made my eyes open suddenly, staring at his beautiful face. But he didn’t stop there. I felt it all the way down in my toes when he confessed more than I ever imagined he would.
“Because… I think I’m falling for you. Falling… in love with you.”
That word… love… it rendered me speechless. Frozen in place. It was such a powerful thing to say. Such a powerful thing to feel and… did he? Love me?
I never saw it coming. While I couldn’t say my feelings weren’t heading in that same direction, I also had to admit to being very confused lately.
By a lot of things.
Now, I was confused again, unsure of what to say next.
“Wow, I… Nick—”
He stepped back and, right away, I could tell he regretted saying so much. I hated that I couldn’t just say it back. It wasn’t that I didn’t want what we had to turn into more, I just… I wanted to be sure.
“You don’t have to say it,” he said in a rush, wearing his insecurities on his sleeve. A new look for him. “It’s okay if you aren’t there yet. I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have—”
“Please, don’t apologize,” I cut in. The more he said, the worse I felt. “It’s not that I don’t think I’m right there with you, it’s just…”
Nothing else came out and this was the worst possible time to let silence creep in.
His eyes lowered and… instead of fixing things… I now believed I made them worse.
Good going, Evie.
Good.
Going.
*****
Nick
My head slammed against my forearms as conversations went on around me like white noise, bouncing off the tiled floor and large windows of the lunchroom. I couldn’t repeat a single thing I heard since sitting down because all I could think about were those stupid words that left my mouth earlier.
Telling Evie I was falling for her.
Not just falling for her… falling in love with her.
The timing was all wrong. I mean, she’d just told me she needed to work through some things and here I was pushing, rushing her into something I wasn’t even sure she was ready for.
Total dick move…
I should’ve just taken the conversation for what it was—she needed a little space, but wanted me to know it didn’t mean things were over. Or, at least they weren’t initially, but who-the-heck-knows where we stood now, thanks to me.
The voices of those seated around me were familiar, recognizable without lifting my head—Chris, Beth, Lucas, and Maddox. Evie was missing in action like she tended to be a few days a week, but today was the first time I was grateful for the distance. Embarrassed didn’t even begin to describe my state of mind right now, so this provided me a little room to breathe through the pain of an awkward, social moment.
Chris and Lucas were, again, talking about their first time shifting. Every conversation I heard from them, and the rest of our graduating class, was either related to that or the fact that our campus was now one building short since the quake. As far as shifting goes, some were ecstatic while others, those whose parents and siblings got too close and wound up with injuries, thought of it as more of a curse. Kind of like I did when it first happened.
One thing I did notice was that they were all careful. Any time outsiders were in earshot, the conversation would shift to something neutral, but the moment there weren’t any humans around, they were comparing notes—about how much they could bench press now, about their growing appetites. Meanwhile, I sat quietly, dying a little on the inside.
Why’d I have to tell her I freakin’ love her?
“Would you like me to get you a blanket from the clinic before you start snoring?” A body filled the seat across from me and, even if I hadn’t known it was Roz from her red backpack now sitting beneath the table, the cynical comment would’ve been a dead giveaway.
“What’s wrong? Get in another fight with a moving vehicle?” She talked so much. And I couldn’t take it today.
“Not in the mood,” was the warning I grumbled.
Her lunch bag rustled as she placed her food on the table. “Ew, who the heck put hot sauce in your jock strap?”
A frustrated breath left my mouth.
“Fine.” She exhaled sharply just like I had. She let maybe thirty seconds pass before opening her mouth again. “I made some really fun plans this weekend if you’d like to tag along,” she said, smiling I guessed. “I’m gonna shift into a wolf and piss on every tree and fire hydrant I come across. If you tell me who you’re upset with, we can add them to the list.”
As hard as I tried not to, the visual made a laugh slip out.
“And, while we’re at it, we can also get whoever shut down my blog.”
While I knew she was joking about the first part, the latter comment made me raise my head for the first time in several minutes.
“Seriously?”
“Seriously,” she nodded. “The Man has, once again, silenced the voice of the people.”
; I ignored the grandiose idea that she was the voice of the people, and stuck to the issue at hand. “Who do you think’s responsible?”
She shrugged and I noticed the four—Beth, Chris and the others—were now listening, too. “My thoughts? The Council. They probably thought I was going to blow the lid off the secret now that so many of us have shifted,” she added in a low voice.
Beth smiled a bit. “Well, if you ask me, it’s about freakin’ time someone got rid of that thing.”
The bold statement made Roz pause midchew, setting her apple down. “I beg your pardon?”
“What right did you ever have poking your nose in peoples’ business? Trying to expose them, sharing your ridiculous conspiracy theories… If I’d known sooner that it was you, I would’ve done it myself a long time ago.”
“I sure wish you would’ve tried.”
Beth caught herself before bearing her teeth at Roz, but there was nothing she could do about the low rumble inside her chest. There was a stare-down between them that I wanted no parts of, so, luckily, they were able to wrangle themselves back into submission.
“Regardless of how we feel about the blog individually, that’s still kind of strange, right?”
No one answered my question right away, but Chris eventually chimed in. “Considering that big meeting is tonight.”
“Which I want no parts of,” Maddox interjected. Lucas had shared feeling similarly when it was just the two of us, but he said nothing now. Probably not wanting Beth to know he was nervous about it.
“Well, I think it’s time. The elders of the Council keep too many secrets. According to them, they only want to protect us, but I say tell us exactly what or who you’re protecting us from and let us decide how to handle it,” Beth said without hesitation, shoulders squared, poised for a fight.
“Believe it or not, I actually agree with that,” Roz blurted. “Think about it. Historically speaking, whenever there’s a master/subordinate dynamic, the subordinate is kept in their place using two tactics. Number one is, and always will be, fear—make them so afraid they’re too paralyzed to come to their senses and revolt. But the silent killer is the withholding of knowledge. As cliché as it may sound, that really is where the power lies. You can’t move left or right, can’t effectively plan, if you lack information. So, whoever holds all the answers will always, always be in control. And,” she paused and shrugged, “maybe that’s what they’re afraid of.”
Lucas nodded in agreement, and then the others.
“It’s way cool of your dad to organize all of this.” Maddox held his fist out for Roz to pound it. Once she realized how to respond, she pressed her knuckles to his.
I laughed a bit. She was so awkward sometimes it was funny.
“I’m just glad you all finally know, so we can talk about it,” Beth grinned.
“How old were you when your parents told you?” I asked.
She shrugged, giving the question some thought. “It’s just one of those things. Feels like I always knew. I don’t remember a specific conversation or anything, but it was just always common knowledge.”
“They weren’t worried about you telling the wrong people?” I hoped she didn’t mind that I inquired.
She shook her head. “Not that I know of. Mom’s always called me an old soul, because, to her, I’m a bit wise beyond my years, so maybe that’s why. She knew I understood it was something sacred.”
“Well, it would’ve been nice if someone said something. I would’ve cleaned my room first, put all the valuable stuff away,” Chris cut in, smiling a bit. “Broke my freakin’ Xbox controller.”
We all laughed and it eased some of the tension at our table. But above that sound, was her sound—the one that commanded my attention every time.
Her heartbeat.
Looking up, I found Evie’s dark gaze already set on me as she stood there, not walking, just… standing there.
And then, the next second, she wasn’t. She walked away, clearly deciding it was better to run off somewhere instead of facing me. And, just like that, my mood sank again and I remembered why I’d resorted to tuning everyone out.
If space was what she needed, I’d give it to her even if it was counterintuitive. It felt wrong because, whether she admitted it or not, she needed someone right now.
And, as much as I believed that someone should’ve been me… I had to let her figure things out on her own.
—
Chapter Twenty-Five —
Evie
The woods were no place for fancy shoes and white tights. I had a couple close calls with low-hanging branches, but, so far, no snags. But messing up my clothing was the least of my worries.
What I should have been worried about was my parents finding out I cut school.
I’d just cross that bridge when I got to it, though. For now, all I could think about was pushing past this sense of being… I don’t know… unsettled. My thoughts were hazy all day; I was having a hard time paying attention. In short, I didn’t feel like myself anymore. I could only hope it’d pass eventually and I wouldn’t always be a shadow of who I was before.
Add to these issues the fact that I couldn’t even look Nick in the eye, and I quickly realized it was time to get out of there. Home wasn’t an option, so I found myself here, trekking through the woods in search of a small house I wasn’t even sure I could locate.
Frustrated, I stopped. Every tree I passed looked like the last tree I passed, which meant I was officially lost. At least the weather wasn’t too hot today. Seemed like, during our week off, fall finally decided to come in full force. Maybe. For now, anyway.
I stood beneath the shade of a hundred branches, a few of their leaves crunching beneath my feet. I turned my head in each direction with hopes that something would eventually look familiar.
That never happened.
The longer I stood there, not even knowing how to get back to the road if I wanted to, the stupider this idea seemed.
What was I doing anyway? I should have just stayed at school and stuck it out. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t have to deal with the same things tomorrow. But, when I left Dr. Cruz’s office and got to the lunchroom, when I tried to make myself take another step, I couldn’t. Something inside me made staying in that place impossible.
I had to get free.
Taking a deep breath, I considered my options. My cell was in my backpack. I could always phone my dad and tell him what I’d done and that I needed a ride home. There would be lectures for days, being grounded, and whatever other clever punishment he and Mom came up with.
Call me crazy, but I didn’t want to deal with any of that right now.
But… there was something else.
My phone wasn’t my only line of communication.
My lip ached as my teeth clamped down on it, trying to talk myself out of what I was about to do, but my mind was made up. Once before, I’d managed to get through to Liam without being asleep. Maybe that wasn’t a onetime thing? Maybe, just like being able to finally talk to him and hear him while dreaming, I tapped into a new side of… of… whatever this was.
A large tree nearby seemed like a good place to rest. First, spreading my blazer out on dirt and patchy grass, I sat, leaning my back against the thick trunk. The next thing I needed to do was relax, clear my head of all the muck.
And I believed focusing on him, Liam, might help, too.
So, that’s what I did.
I started by picturing his face, the tone of his sun-kissed skin, the angles of his jaw and brow, his… lips, the barely-there smile he wore on them sometimes; on occasion when he watched me.
Then, I thought of what he made me feel.
I envisioned my mind as a dark room, one filled with boxes and, there, way back in the darkest corner, sat one I was afraid to explore. It was always there. Always. Even before I met him. And I needed to be brave now. If I ever stood a chance of tapping into our connection, I couldn’t be afraid of him.
I pictured myse
lf walking closer and finally unfolding the flaps, feeling so much light and heat spill from such a small space, letting it cover me completely. And, as it did, a startling memory was spurred. One from another lifetime. My hand was engulfed in a much larger one as I trailed behind him. The soles of our bare feet caressing blades of grass as we moved toward a shady tree, much like the one I leaned against now. He turned, hazel eyes locking with mine. A gust of wind blew through the length of his hair, lifting the dark waves to frame his face, moving his scent toward me.
I breathed him in.
Then.
Now.
It felt like he was everywhere, inside and out, surrounding me. I was overwhelmed and, right way, I knew I’d gone too deep, knew I’d made a mistake opening this box.
And that’s when I heard the sound. The tapping.
The real world came rushing back as I gasped for air. My eyes popped open, darting everywhere. I was on my feet the next second, grabbing my blazer and backpack from the ground as I panted, feeling like I’d just been awakened from a deep sleep.
“…Follow the sound.”
Liam’s voice came to me like a melody, floating on the wind, music drifting in from some distant place.
The tapping came again, but I wasn’t afraid now.
“Head north,” he added. And I did just that, but not because I suddenly figured out which way was east and which was west, but… because I could sense him.
It can only be described as that feeling you get when you stand outside, both eyes closed, the sun on your face. You wouldn’t need eyes to see it, hands to touch it. The power, the gravitational pull leading me in Liam’s direction, was like Earth revolving around her star.
Constant.
I put one foot in front of the other, not giving myself time to question it. I just… walked. And then I ran. The tapping got louder as I stepped over sticks, weaved between trees as my fingertips moved over the bark. I was almost there, could make out the silhouette of his chimney against the clouds.
My pace was quickening as the unmistakable explosion of excitement burst in my chest. If I was being honest, on some level, I longed to be back here since the moment I left. It wasn’t that I needed him, or even that I embraced this hold he seemed to have on me, because I didn’t. I wanted nothing more than to fight it, but the difference between being with him, versus being without him, was something I couldn’t ignore.