Days of You and Me
Page 15
Leo sat down, too, and lifted his own glass. “To . . .” He hesitated, casting his eyes toward the ceiling. “To friends.”
My heart stuttered a little. Couldn’t he see I wanted so much more than that? But I forced a smile and raised my goblet as well. “To friends,” I echoed.
He sipped and then leaned back and propped his feet on the table. “If you want to know a sad truth, I really haven’t wanted beer much since, uh, since Matt.” He didn’t look at me, instead keeping his eyes on the crackling fire. “I guess for me, I still associate it with him. Like, I’m almost being disloyal if I sit around and drink some brews.” He ran a finger down the stem of his glass. “I miss him. A lot.”
“Yeah. I know.” I spoke softly. “Matt and I didn’t exactly see eye-to-eye on just about anything. Well, let’s be honest. He pretty much hated me. But we had our moments.” I let my mind wander back over some of those happier times. Matt hadn’t cared much for me before Leo and I had started dating in high school, and once we did, and Leo slowed down his partying, Matt really got hostile. But we’d reached an uneasy truce at one point.
“Remember . . . remember the night you guys won the championship in junior year?” My words shook a little.
“God, as if I could ever forget.” Leo’s voice was raw. “Never, as long as I live.”
We were both quiet, afraid to speak. That night, I’d conspired with both Gia and Matt—who barely knew each other back then—to whisk Leo away from the celebration, off to a hotel room, where we’d celebrated our own way. It had been the first time we’d had sex, and I could still recall every detail with agonizing clarity.
I cleared my throat. “Matt and I got along for a while after that. I’d realized that he was just afraid I was going to take you away from him. He loved you, Leo. You were his brother, in the truest sense of the word.”
“Yeah,” he rasped. “If I’d been a better one, he might not be dead now.”
“No one made that decision but Matt himself. You can’t keep blaming yourself for it. If Matt were here and healthy, he’d be the first one to tell you that.” Leaning forward, I carefully set my wine glass on the coffee table, aware that Leo was tracking my every move.
“Do you have any regrets at all, Mia?” He spoke low, and it took a moment before his question sunk into my brain.
“Of course I do.” That wasn’t even a question. “I wish . . . sometimes I wish that I’d never left you in Carolina that summer. I wish I’d had the courage to stick it out and see what happened next with us. I was scared and I was overwhelmed, but maybe if I had stayed . . .” I lifted one shoulder. “I don’t know. It might not have changed anything. We might have hit the same bumps later on.”
“If you hadn’t . . . if we hadn’t broken up then, if we’d still been together, Nate never would’ve asked you to marry him. You wouldn’t have felt like you had to say yes to him. We might have been married now, living here together.” There was just the faintest accusation in his tone.
“I guess maybe that’s true. But Nate would’ve died much differently. His last months wouldn’t have been as happy as they were. So would I go back and do things differently, knowing what I do now?” I shook my head. “I can’t say that for sure. I only know what was, and what is. I can’t say what might have been, and I sure as hell can’t say what will be. The future’s so murky now. It’s dark. Sometimes I feel like it’ll never be bright again.”
Leo’s brows knit together, but before he could say anything else, I went on speaking, blurting out the words that had been sitting heavy on me for the last day.
“My mother is having an affair with the dry cleaner. Or maybe not an affair, but a relationship. And she’s selling our house, and they’re going to travel.”
“Um, what?” He shook his head. “Your mother? And the dry cleaner—wait, is that Shane?”
“Apparently.” I crossed my arms over my chest, sinking back into the chair.
“Huh, really? Well, he’s a nice guy.”
I rolled my eyes. “I’ve already been well acquainted with the finer points of Saint Shane, thanks very much.”
Leo nodded his head slowly. “Ah. Okay.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I frowned.
“Just that now I understand why you’re here. You got upset at your mother, and so you came down here, looking for a place where you could run away.”
Leo’s words, spoken so matter-of-factly, struck so close to home that I flinched. “No. That’s not why I’m here.”
One side of his mouth curled a little. “Isn’t it?”
“No, in fact, it isn’t.” I jumped to my feet. “I came to see you because you’re my friend, my oldest friend, and I was upset. I needed someone I could talk to. I needed a little—” I threw my hands in the air. “I don’t know, some support? A little empathy?”
“You could’ve gone to Zelda or to Gia. They’re both closer to you.” He gazed up at me, his face carefully blank.
My throat tightened. “Closer geographically, but . . . I didn’t want them. I wanted to see you. No one else would understand—I mean, dammit, Leo! Do you not get why I’m upset? My mother dropped this bomb on me after everything I’ve been through the last year. All I wanted was a little peace. A little time where nothing changes. Is that asking too much?”
Leo sighed and dropped his head into his hands. “Listen to yourself, Quinn. Your mom . . . she didn’t do this to you. Think about it. She’s probably been keeping quiet about it for a while, because she didn’t want to upset you. How long did you want her to sit on it? Another month? Six months?”
“Forever works for me,” I snapped.
“Be reasonable.” He smacked his knee. “God, Quinn. You’re an adult. You’re old enough to understand that your mother deserves a little happiness, aren’t you? And what you’ve gone through the last year—it’s not your mom’s fault. She didn’t make that decision.”
My mouth sagged open. “What else was I supposed to do, Leo? Nate asked me to marry him. He told me it was the only thing he wanted. His dying wish. What the fuck was I supposed to say to that?”
“How about a simple no?”
I wanted to stomp my foot like a child. “And then what? What would’ve happened to Nate?”
Leo shrugged. “The same thing that happened to him anyway. I know it sounds heartless, Quinn, but it’s the truth. No one held a gun to your head to marry Nate. The whole situation sucks, for sure. No one’s arguing about that. But don’t bitch about your mother not respecting your need for time and peace when you’re the one who chose to take that step.”
I closed my eyes, pressing my fists to my forehead. “I can’t believe you’re still so mad about this. I thought by now, with Nate . . . gone, you’d be over it. I thought we could move on.”
“I don’t think you’re ready to move on yet, Quinn. Have you decided where you’re going to live? Have you gone back to work? Made a plan for what comes next?”
“No,” I growled, glaring at him. “No, I haven’t. I’ve been wallowing for weeks. Is that what you want to hear? I haven’t done anything. Not until today, when I got on a train and came to you.”
Leo blinked up at me. “Why did you come to me, Quinn?”
When I opened my mouth to repeat what I’d said before—that I was upset about my mother’s news—Leo interrupted me. “The truth. Don’t blame your mom or use her as an excuse. I want to know why you came down here to see me. The real reason.”
My eyes burned with tears, and I bit my lip so hard, I thought I might draw blood. It was hard to breathe. I finally croaked out a response.
“I wanted to see you. I wanted to talk to you. I needed to know . . . where we stand, you and me. I can’t go on, I can’t make any plans, until I know that. I thought, maybe, that we could figure out some stuff.”
Leo exhaled, rubbing a hand over his face. “Yeah, I was afraid that was it.”
I felt like kicking him. “Then why did you make me say it?”
The mad that had gripped me began to fade into trepidation. “Is that all you are to me now? Just a shoulder?”
“What else do you want me to be?” There was no inflection in his tone, no hint of what he might be feeling.
“God, Leo, are you really going to make me say it? I want you to be . . . more than just my friend. I want us to be who we were.” I dropped down to hunch in front of him, venturing to lay one hand on his knee. “Before Nate and I . . . remember last year? At Matt’s funeral? You begged me not to marry Nate. You said we still had a chance. Now we can be together.”
Leo stared into my eyes, but for the first time in years, I couldn’t see past the guarded shell. For a long moment, he didn’t move.
And then he glanced away, focusing on a spot over my shoulder. His jaw set, and his throat worked as he swallowed.
“No.”
I remembered once when I’d been carrying a basket of dirty clothes down the steps from my bedroom to the laundry room. At the bottom of the stairs, I’d thought I was already all the way down, and I’d stepped forward, expecting solid floor, when instead there was only empty air. Panic and dizziness had sent adrenaline racing through my blood.
And that was exactly how I felt now hearing that single syllable fall from Leo’s lips. The solid ground I’d been counting on suddenly wasn’t there, and I didn’t know how to move forward. I eased myself onto the floor, hugging my knees to me.
“Quinn, I’m sorry.” Leo still wasn’t looking at me. “I wish I could say something different. I know what you want to hear, and God, I wish I could say it.” He started to speak again and then stopped, as if the words had fled.
“Why?” I whispered. “Don’t you . . . has something changed? Is there someone else?” I didn’t want to ask the question, but I had to know.
Slowly Leo shook his head. “No, there’s no one else. How could there be? But Quinn, we can’t just keep falling into this. We’re not kids anymore. I can’t do this again, this fucking dance where I leave you and then you leave me. This isn’t a game.” He paused. “And as much as I don’t want to say this, right now everything is stacked against us.”
“What do you mean?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear his answer, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“You haven’t dealt with Nate’s death yet.” Leo held up one finger, ticking off his points. “You’re still figuring out how to cope with everything—you told me yourself that was true. And you’re looking for someone to give you a way out. I don’t want to be your escape route.” He tapped his two fingers against the other fist. “Then there’s the fact that nothing’s changed since you left me back in Carolina. I’m still a football player, only now I do it for a living. You couldn’t handle that two years ago. What’s different now?”
I had arguments I could make, but I had a feeling none of them were going to stand up to the calm finality I saw on Leo’s face.
“But I don’t want to lose you, Leo. I can’t. I don’t know what to do next. I can’t see where I’m supposed to go.”
He nodded. “I understand. It’s scary, when everything feels unknown. But you have to take a step, and then another, and see where they all lead. You’ll never know if you keep standing still.”
“I thought coming down here was taking a step.” I truly had. I hadn’t let myself think beyond the surety that Leo would take me into his arms and promise to be mine forever.
“Maybe it was. Maybe you had to . . . cross this possibility off your list before you could move on to where you’re supposed to go.”
Pain squeezed my heart. Leo was rejecting me. He was turning me down, sending me away, telling me that he didn’t want me. I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I flashed back to high school, when he’d broken my heart in an effort to protect me. That day, I’d thought I’d never hurt so badly ever again. Turned out I was very, very wrong.
“You need some time, Mia.” Finally, he let his gaze wander back to me again. He reached out to touch my face, thought better of it and dropped his hand onto his leg. “You have to figure out what you want, once and for all. I’m not going to be the consolation prize or the safe choice. I’m not going to be the guy who picks up the pieces. I want you to choose me because I’m who you want, not because I’m convenient and familiar. We’ll never work if that happens.”
My lip trembled, and when I sank my teeth down, trying to keep it still, I was surprised to taste salty tears. I hadn’t realized that I was silently crying.
“I feel like . . .” My breath hitched on a sob. “Like you’re punishing me for marrying Nate. For choosing to do what he asked.”
“No.” He was shaking his head even before I finished speaking. “I’m not going to say I think you were right. You already know that’s not true. But I’m not punishing you, Quinn. I just want you to stop and think about why you did it. Why you always chose Nate over me. I want you to try to be honest with yourself for one goddam second, so that maybe . . . someday . . . we might have a chance.”
“But not now.” It wasn’t even a question.
“No, not now.” Leo’s fingers were curled into fists on his legs.
I pushed against the floor, standing up on unsteady legs. “I should go. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come.” I took a step back and clung to the top of the chair behind me. “I’ll call a taxi, and maybe we can just forget about this.”
“You can’t go anywhere tonight, Quinn.” Leo rose, too. “I have an extra bedroom. You can stay here. There won’t be a train until the morning now, and you don’t know your way around Richmond.”
“I’ll have the cab drive me to a hotel. There’s got to be something.”
“Sure there is.” Leo nodded. “But getting a cab out here, at this time of night, is going to be a pain in the ass. I could drive you somewhere, but I’d really rather not. It’s stupid to go pay for a hotel when I have plenty of room.”
“I don’t want to impose.” I held myself stiffly. Right now, all I want to do was to get away from Leo and the pity I was certain I’d see in his eyes.
“You won’t be. You’ll be doing me a favor, staying here so I don’t have to drive you anywhere.” He pointed to the doorway. “Come on. It’s just down this hall. I’ll show you around, and then you can get some rest.”
The need to run away consumed me. I was mortified and hurt and—yes, angry, too. Whether it was at Leo or myself, I hadn’t figured out yet. But I knew I’d never sleep here, with both of us under the same roof. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d spent a night in the same house without being in each other’s arms.
But what he’d said made sense. Arranging for a cab to come out here, get in through the guard gate and then take me to a hotel when I didn’t even know where I was going would be a giant mess. Then there was the possibility that someone might talk about Richmond Rebel Leo Turner getting late-night visits from a strange woman. I couldn’t run the risk of exposing Leo to any kind of rumor or innuendo.
So I walked ahead of him down the hall until he leaned around me to push open a door. “This is the designated brother guest room. It’s where Simon and Danny stay when either one of them comes to see me. So that’s why it’s kind of masculine.”
I stepped into the room, keeping my back to Leo. “It’s fine. All I need is a bed.”
“Shit, your bag. Let me grab it for you.” With a few quick steps, he was gone, jogging back to retrieve my duffel from the living room. I stayed still, unmoving, until he returned and held it out to me.
“Thanks.” I slung it onto my shoulder.
“The bathroom’s right across the hall.” He paused. “It’s all yours. I have my own in the master suite.”
“Okay.” I ground my teeth and willed him to leave already, to close the door and leave me in peace.
“Quinn.” He touched my arm. “Mia.”
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br /> “Don’t.” I jerked away. “Don’t. Just—don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. I can’t do this, Leo. Just leave me alone. Please.”
For a moment, I thought he might argue with me. Then he sighed so softly that I felt it more than I heard it, and the door clicked shut, leaving me alone, just as I’d asked.
Big Girls Don’t Cry by Fergie
My parents’ house was filled with people, food and noise. I eased my way out of the kitchen and into the hall, looking for a little break from all the family members who wanted to hear the details about my first season as a pro football player, as if they didn’t know. I’d lost count of how many times I’d agreed that this had been a growing year, that we were a young team, that Coach Harris was a wonderful man and that our quarterback Gideon Maynard was due to have an amazing season.
I’d promised tickets to my uncle and two cousins, and I’d told my other teenaged cousin—female variety—that I’d do my damnedest to get her a signed picture of Gideon.
“I’d take Corey Iverson, too,” she’d added, wagging her eyebrows. “He’s hot.”
“He’s also married.” I tapped her on the nose. “And way too old for you.”
She stuck out her tongue at me. “You’re no fun.”
I wanted to laugh. Yeah, that seems to be the general opinion of the world at large.
The hallway was a little quieter. I could hear my mother’s voice as she greeted newcomers at the door, and in the living room, my brother Simon laughed. I saw him in silhouette, his arm around Justine as they chatted with my grandmother. His fingers rubbed Justine’s hip, just shy of her ass. A pang of bitter jealousy made my stomach clench; I didn’t begrudge Simon an ounce of his happiness with the beautiful Justine, but God, I missed that feeling of being connected to someone. I missed being able to look across the room at a familiar pair of eyes, the luxury of exchanging a glance with someone who knew what I was thinking almost before I did. I wanted that again. For one fleeting moment, I hated Nate for what he’d said to me last summer. I regretted listening to his advice. I wanted Quinn, and dammit, I wanted her now.