“I know it’s selfish, but I would rather not get into that now. This is the first time I’ve really talked to you in months.”
I sighed, but was grateful that we could skip the seriousness for once.
“As much as I’ve tried to deny it, the truth is that I’ve missed you,” he said.
“I think I’ve missed you too.” That was a lie. I knew that I had missed Jasper. I knew that I had missed him since the very first memory.
“So, um, am I stuck in the friend zone?” Jasper fiddled with pieces of grass, looking up at me and flashing me his trademark look of mischief. “I assume that it’s only common courtesy to wait until you remember all of the romantic stuff before I can make a move.” Jasper grinned and I froze, snapping my head up to look at him.
“So we were...” I had no idea how to finish that sentence.
“Together?” Jasper nodded. “That’s how the trouble always starts, isn’t it? Boy meets girl, boy and girl are not supposed to be together, and then they decide to be together anyway.”
“Like Romeo and Juliet,” I whispered, remembering Jasper referencing to the piece of literature in my memories.
“What was that?” Jasper asked, looking at me curiously.
“Nothing.” Desire was flooding through me. Of course we were together. It was how it was meant to be. Everything I had been feeling for him since I started getting my memories back pointed to this truth. I wasn’t feeling drawn to him because I needed answers. I was drawn to him because I needed him.
When I awoke in a hospital bed with no recollection of anything past junior year, I knew that something other than my memories was missing. Something powerful was taken from me, something that left me crying and laughing and screaming and fighting, and feeling alive.
I didn’t know how much I’d sleepwalked through life until Jasper opened my eyes. He woke me up. I didn’t need a memory to tell me what I already knew: I never stopped loving Jasper, even when I couldn’t remember his name.
I didn’t care about common courtesy; I just wanted Jasper to close the gap between us. I had no problem with a second first kiss if that was what it took.
“Come here, Luna,” Jasper said, like he wanted to get rid of the space as much as I did. He was looking at me so intensely that I wanted with all my heart to remember every word, every touch, and every bit of his heart that he had ever revealed to me.
I sat up onto my knees, my face inches from his. We were completely motionless for the longest time, like we were both wondering if this was the best idea, but it was far too late to decide against it.
I was already reaching my arms around his neck, and he had his hands on the sides of my face, holding it there in front of his. Jasper leaned in, pressing his lips to mine.
My first thought was how much the sensation made my body feel like it was on fire. Why didn’t the flames hurt me? Could Jasper see them? They were engulfing every part of me.
I pressed into Jasper, our lips completely in sync—like the act was the most natural thing in the world—like we had kissed a thousand times before. For all I knew, we had.
For the first time in weeks, my mind was completely quiet. Everything was at a standstill. It even seemed plausible that the Earth had stopped rotating around the sun, giving Jasper and me this moment all to ourselves. I thought that the world owed it to us; we had both lost so much.
We were gasping for breath when we finally pulled apart. I was in complete bliss until I saw the look in Jasper’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” I asked. How could anything be wrong? Hadn’t my memories been trying to tell me just how right this was?
Jasper took his hands off my face and pulled himself up, letting my arms drop back to my sides. He offered a hand to help me up, but I managed without it, irritated at him for ruining the moment.
“I need to take you home.” Jasper was running a hand through his dark hair, his eyes hardened and cold. “That shouldn’t have happened.”
“I don’t understand,” I said. Jasper was walking so quickly that I had to run just so I could place myself in front of him. He tried to dodge me, but I moved with him, blocking him until he talked to me. “Isn’t this what you wanted?”
Jasper muttered something under his breath before meeting my eyes.
“I don’t want to be with you like this. It’s not right. You’re just going to remember why you wrote that letter, and this is all going to be over.”
I let Jasper push past me. The only light was coming from the moon above us, and I struggled to watch where I was going.
“Please explain the letter to me,” I begged. I assumed it was what I gave Jasper to end things between us. I needed to know exactly what I wrote.
“You told me how you really felt. You thought you were in love, but you really just wanted to rebel…against your parents or the Council…I don’t know. You said you weren’t going to leave with me because you realized it was a mistake.” So I didn’t just want to leave Oportet—I wanted to leave with Jasper.
“That’s ridiculous! That doesn’t even make any sense,” I said.
“That was my first thought too, but even if all that was completely made up, you still made it very clear that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You said that you were done making a point and just wanted to go back to the way things were before—before you met me.”
I shook my head. I would have thought those things in my memories if they were true.
“I didn’t write that letter. I know I didn’t.” I saw something dart across the ground in front of me and suppressed a girlish squeal. The huge coastal trees were looking more ominous than they had before.
“And how do you know that? You aren’t even close to remembering whether or not you wrote the damn thing.”
I recoiled against the harshness in his voice. “I just know, okay? I know because what I’ve been feeling for you both in the past and in the present is the most real thing I’ve ever felt.” Jasper kept moving forward, but he slowed his pace to a normal walking speed.
We were both silent as Jasper led me back to my house. I was glad he seemed to know where we were going because the trees, rocks, and fallen branches all looked the same to me.
We were standing in front of my house now, completely bathed in darkness. I was looking down at my feet, not able to look Jasper in the eyes. How could he think so little of me? I would never hurt him like that, and I would never make up such silly excuses.
“Let me know when you realize how much of an asshole you’re being,” I said. I didn’t wait for his reaction before storming away.
I slipped through the front door, careful not to make too much noise as I eased it shut behind me. I leaned my back against the wood, letting myself slip down to a sitting position. I buried my head between my knees, but miraculously suppressed all tears attempting to surface.
The house was dark, but I could see a streak of light coming from Megan’s bedroom. I hoped that no one had noticed my absence, or I would have to explain myself tomorrow.
I didn’t want to move. I wanted to sink into the floor. What if I did write that letter? What if I had a good reason to end things with Jasper, and I made up those excuses because I wanted to hurt him? I knew exactly how to cause him pain, and I could have taken advantage of that knowledge.
No. That was impossible. The sooner I remembered the real story, the sooner I could fix my relationship with Jasper. I just hoped that it was still recoverable.
Chapter Twelve
I was happy. Things that normally paralyzed me with dread didn’t seem that bad anymore. School was the prime example of this—I could get through the day because I knew that Jasper would walk me home after school, like he had for the past two weeks.
“I don’t like this,” Jenna said when she caught me smiling at Jasper from across the math classroom.
“Like what?” I knew exactly what she didn’t like.
“Whatever’s happening between you and the Outsider.” Disgust c
oated her words. What had gotten into her? This wasn’t how best friends were supposed to act.
“He has a name,” I snapped.
“I don’t care.”
I shot her a glare.
“You don’t think he actually cares about you, do you?” Jenna shook her head, her apathetic smile raising the hairs on the back of my neck. She looked at Jasper, who was looking adorable concentrating on his math problems, with a kind of coldness in her eyes I had never seen before.
“What is your problem? You do realize that your grandparents came from the terrible Outside don’t you? We’re all Outsiders,” I retorted, getting Jenna to shut her mouth for the rest of class.
“Don’t come running to me when you get hurt,” Jenna said as the dismissal bell rang.
“I won’t.” I watched as she strutted out of the classroom, whispering something to Cassie James like a pissed-off ten year-old. Cassie cast a glance in my direction, and then turned back to Jenna.
Jenna had been acting distant ever since I swore her to secrecy about hanging out with Jasper, but this was a low blow. We had both despised Cassie James since the day freshman year when she told everyone I threw myself at boys for attention. She caught her boyfriend coming on to me and assumed it was a mutual attraction. It wasn’t.
Jasper was waiting for me when I came out of the classroom, but I wasn’t really in the mood to talk. His smile faded as he scanned my face.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” he asked.
I hated myself for letting my eyes tear up, as they did whenever I was extremely angry.
Jasper wiped away the single tear that escaped with his thumb, looking at me with worry etched in his eyes. “Your eyes get bluer when you cry. They look really bright.”
I smiled weakly. I took deep breaths, needing to get air into my lungs in order to calm myself down.
“Luna, talk to me. What’s going on?”
I explained the situation the best I could, knowing that most of it would be over his head considering he didn’t speak teenage-girl.
“That’s really petty,” Jasper said when I was done.
“I know. I just don’t understand why she’s acting like this.” We stepped inside the science classroom, taking our seats that were across from each other at the lab table.
“You’re changing, and that’s scaring her.” The rest of the class was shuffling to their seats as we spoke. I was glad that Jenna had English this block.
“I don’t feel like I’m changing; I feel like I’m becoming more myself.”
Mrs. Lawrence made her way to the front of the classroom, surprisingly quick with a bulging stomach that looked like it would break her back if it grew any more. I was half-expecting her to go into labor in the middle of class. I had heard that today was the last day she would be teaching as she prepared for the arrival of her twins.
“Do you want to take a detour on the way home?” Jasper whispered after Mrs. Lawrence turned her back to draw a diagram on the whiteboard.
“Sounds good to me,” I whispered back. I could faintly hear Jasper humming something, using his pencil as a drumstick on his notebook.
It was causing me physical pain to hold my laughter back, and it was getting harder and harder to suppress my amusement as I watched Jasper switch to jamming on an invisible guitar. I looked around to see if anyone else was seeing the show, but we were in the back of the classroom so I had the performance all to myself.
“You are such a freak,” I whispered with a smile. He ignored me, taking the nonexistent instrument and slamming it on the table for his finale.
Jasper looked up at me and grinned. I shook my head at him.
“Just admit it. You think me and my air guitar are hot.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I will admit no such thing.”
The rest of class was incredibly dull as we worked in our textbooks in silence. It was too quiet for us to even whisper. I was tapping my foot absentmindedly as I watched the clock count down the seconds. The bell rang, signaling the end of the school day.
“Well, that was excruciating,” Jasper said as we packed up our things. We handed our work to Mrs. Lawrence on our way out, rushing out one of the school’s side doors before the parking lot was flooded with moving cars.
Both the high school and the middle school were in close proximity to my neighborhood, so it wasn’t a long walk home at the end of the day. Oportet was beautiful today, the brightly pigmented leaves just starting to break free from the trees. Autumn was the rest of my family’s favorite season. I was the only one who preferred winter.
Jasper respected my wish to leave my parents in the dark about our friendship, or relationship, or whatever it was. I knew that they would throw a tantrum, or worse, forbid me from seeing him. They would watch my every move, which would prove to be detrimental to the times I snuck out to meet him at our spot in the forest under the guise that I was going for a walk or to the library.
We walked in a comfortable silence, admiring the changing autumn scenery. My life was starting to feel like a dream—more fantasy than reality. If someone had told me a few months ago that I would be falling for someone like Jasper Williams, deliberately breaking rules, sneaking behind my parents’ backs, and saying out loud what I had been suppressing my entire life, I probably would have dropped dead from a heart attack.
“I’m ready for summer,” Jasper announced as we entered our secret space.
I raised a brow. “We haven’t even been on fall break yet. How could you be thinking about summer?”
“Haven’t you noticed?” Jasper faced me, his head cocked to the side, an amused smile growing on his lips.
“Noticed what?”
He strode over to the swings, tipping two over to let the debris and fallen leaves spill off. “Time is moving a lot quicker than it used to, Luna.”
I sat down next to Jasper, twisting my swing so that I faced him.
“I think that it should be addressed as a global issue—just below climate change.”
I smirked. “You are the most…interesting person I know.” I lowered my voice to a mock whisper. “Interesting is code for crazy by the way.”
“So far today I have been called crazy and a freak. Feel free to add to the list.”
I laughed at Jasper’s hurt expression, quickly replaced with an indignant grin.
“And just so you know, you suck at insults.”
“Maybe that’s because I wasn’t really trying to insult you. Maybe I like that you’re a crazy freak.” As soon as the sentence was out I felt heat flood my cheeks. Did I really just say that?
“Luna Beckham, are you flirting with me?” Jasper teased. I hoped that my face wasn’t as red as it felt. I had never been as good at flirting as Jenna.
I immediately shut out the thoughts of who I thought was my best friend. If she wanted to act so immature and ignorant, then she’d better do it far from me.
I opened my mouth to give Jasper a clever retort, but I stopped when I saw his expression. The air was heavy, the intensity high enough to feel. Surges of energy swirled around us.
Jasper was leaning in, my mind debating whether to run or to meet him halfway. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to breathe again, or if my heartbeat would ever regulate itself.
It was too late to run as Jasper finally kissed me. My eyes widened, not sure how to react to his lips on mine. It was sweet and gentle, and not at all what I expected. I shut my eyes and gave into my instincts.
The awkwardness dissipated as we found the perfect ways our lips could meld. I had never thought you could feel two polar opposites at the same time, but vulnerability and safety coursed through me as we connected. I felt a piece of myself break free, transferring to Jasper. I knew I was giving him the power to rip that piece apart—into a million different particles—leaving it so destroyed that I would be missing that part of me for the rest of my life. I no longer had complete control of my heart.
But I trusted him. I had to trust him. He wasn’t
like anyone I’d ever met. He was breathtakingly honest and raw, unapologetically opinionated but respectful, and he liked me for me. The whole me, not just the obedient me, the me who let everyone but herself rule her life. He saw me for what I was, not for who I pretended to be.
Jasper was the first to pull apart, and much needed air filled my lungs. He searched my eyes, and I shook my head at him.
“What is it?” Jasper asked. Panic flashed in his eyes, and he slowly lowered the hands that had been cradling the sides of my face.
I smiled. “Took you long enough.”
~~~~~
I did not want to go home, so I went somewhere I hadn’t gone in years—Aunt May’s house. My parents convinced us that Aunt May was a bad influence around the time I began middle school. It was unclear why they had decided to draw a line between us and Aunt May, but I couldn’t help but wonder if it had something to do with the rule she broke for me—the rule against storytelling.
I took my parents words against my loving aunt to heart, and tried my best to clear my feelings of unease. I figured that it was better for me to stay protected from my aunt’s wrong ways than to question my parents’ judgment.
But I was questioning everything now.
I slowly raised my hand to the doorbell, took a deep breath, and pressed it. I tapped my fingers against my thigh, catching myself humming one of Jasper’s favorite songs.
I was on the verge of concluding that the house was empty when I heard footsteps on the other side of the door. May swung the door open, a look of surprise forming when she saw me.
May was much younger than Mother, with curly blonde hair and beautiful features. When I was young, I dreamed of being the flower girl at her wedding, but the years went by and Aunt May miraculously remained single.
“Luna?” Aunt May stared at me skeptically, cocking her head to the side. After a few long seconds she shook her head and put on a smile. “Come in, dear.”
I entered her quaint home, noticing the changes that had taken place since my last visit. Everything was so clean and orderly, perfect for having company over, but I couldn’t imagine Aunt May having many friends in Oportet.
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