“My love.” He murmurs softly. “My world.”
“You love her.” Father comments softly.
“Duma is the only reason I came with you. I want to make sure nothing happens to her.”
“The church hasn't approved this union.” Joe reminds everyone.
“I am the church and I approve this union. She could already be carrying my child. Now, move back and shut the fuck up.”
Judea’s nasty words make the men shakes their heads. I cross myself for him. I should tell them that we haven't done enough to make a child. Jude told them we did. I would never call him out on a lie. The man comes back wearing a wrinkled robe and carrying a little bible.
“Are we ready?” He asks us.
“More than ready.” Jude assures him squeezing my hands.
I marry Judea Hamilton in a strange kitchen wearing an ill-fitting dress and covered in wet dust. I am a mess and so is the situation. He manages to look good no matter how dirty or tired he is. I fight back tears of joy. They fall anyway. Jude wipes them away with his thumbs. His smile is reflected in his bottomless eyes. They look like black diamonds. The preacher asks me if I take him. I answer yes. I would be honored to take him. He asked Jude if he takes me. Jude answers, hell yes. I smile at that. He tells us to kiss. I know it will be nice and sweet from the way he’s looking at me. He grabs me up and kisses me until my belly is queasy and my knees are shaking. I hold on to him and I kiss him back. Jude ends the kiss but not the embrace.
“I’m happy for you. To be honest, I didn't think you really wanted to marry her. Duma was always so awkward and fat. She wasn't like her sisters.” Father is proud of me. I finally did something right.
“No, she wasn’t like them. She was better than them.”
Jude always defends me with this same passion. Father doesn’t agree or disagree with his words. Jude’s arm comes around my waist and stays there. I’m a married woman. I am Mrs. Judea Hamilton. His wife forever.
“Tonight, I am going make you my woman in all ways.” He whispers a secret in my ear. A secret between newlyweds. A secret that has me ready to go to bed right now. I blush with excitement. Tonight, is my wedding night and I am ashamed. He hasn’t seen me naked since we were kids. I don’t want him to see me naked now. I don’t want him to be upset or think poorly of me for not being perfect. I want to be perfect for him. Only him. Not the church or anyone else. They don’t care about me. Judea cares about me.
“Judea, you shouldn’t tease me in front of people.” I whisper back. It lands me under the cane. He’s the reason I stayed in so much trouble. He is the muse behind my wicked thoughts and selfish desires. Judea makes me laugh and smile when I have no other reason. He is the handsomest man in the world and worth every lash. I want him to kiss me again. I want to kiss him back and make him feel good.
“Stop mooning at Jude Hamilton and get dinner served.” My father says gruffly.
“My wife doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s her wedding night, leave her alone.”
“Look, boy. Just because you married her doesn’t mean you get to decide what work she does. Our laundry needs tending and my socks have holes in them. How is a man to do mans’ work when he is darning socks?”
“Buck, you haven’t done much by way of mans’ work anyway. You have plenty of time to darn your socks. Come on, Dumani.”
“Who is going to serve supper? Get back here, girl.”
“Her name is Mrs. Hamilton.” Jude warns. “Mrs. Judea Hamilton and you’d better show her the respect that she deserves or we will take our fight outside.”
“Let them go. The other women can step up and show us why they deserve to stay.” Father says tiredly. He doesn’t have it in him to argue anymore.
“You don’t do anything they tell you to do without asking me first. You’ve done more than your share and from here on out you don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to do. Anyone that has a problem with it can take it up with me.”
“I am supposed to do the women’s work, Judea. I don’t want to make more problems in our group.”
“I am not here to make friends. In fact, I don’t know why I am here anymore now that I got what I came for. We should take an extra mount and head home. My place is sitting empty right now waiting for us to return if we choose to. We should run.”
“My mother—”
“I will offer her a place in our home, Duma. If she doesn’t accept it, she has to live with her decision. I can’t hold up what we have to do trying to convince your mother she deserves better.”
“I understand.”
I have to understand. His single mission is to take care of his own. My mother is not his own. The old house is cracking and peeling from years of neglect but it is still stately. The old floor boards creak under our feet as we climb the dark, cramped, servants’ stairs. Slave stairs. The room that Jude chose for himself is plain and barren. It’s much like my room back home right down to the warped walls and the antiquated washstand in the corner. I’m standing in the middle of the room unsure of what to do next. I have never been anyone’s wife before.
“Are you hungry?” He asks me dropping my bags on the rug by the fireplace.
“No.”
I’m starving but we are already up here and I don’t want to go back downstairs. He starts a fire and leaves the room wordlessly. I am standing in the same place when he returns carrying a tray of the food that I cooked. It smells delicious. My stomach growls. Jude sets the tray on the single dresser before walking over and sitting me on the narrow bed. He lays a cloth across my lap before setting a plate of beans on top of it. There is a glass jar of water on the tray for me to drink. I don’t take the fork when he offers it to me.
“You’re confused because I brought you your supper.” Judea says softly. “You are hungry and I am feeding you. There is nothing more to it than that. I am your husband and it’s what I’m supposed to do. Eat, I’ll be back.” He kisses my forehead and leaves again. I clean my plate and set it aside until it can be washed. I sit on the edge of the bed again and I wait. When Jude returns, he’s carrying two buckets of hot water. He closes and locks the door behind him. I stand up to pour water into the small tub. This little task is something to do. I’m not used to sitting idle. It’s uncomfortable and gives me too much time to worry.
“I can do it. I’m going to fill the tub and give you privacy to wash and prepare yourself for bed. I’ll use another room tonight.”
Chapter Eleven
“You don’t want to sleep with me?” I’m disappointed and confused. I think about what I said and my eyes find my feet. My face is burning with embarrassment. That was too forward.
“I’ve waited eight years for this night, Dumani. I wouldn’t miss it for anything. I am going to bathe in another room. Take your time. I can see how nervous you are.”
“I won’t take long.” I say quickly. Jude smiles and I am embarrassed again. He leaves the room before I can make myself any redder. I’m used to washing in cold water but he wants me to have a warm bath tonight. He’s so thoughtful. After the tub is filled, I pile my hair on top of my head in a messy knot and undress. I fold my raggedy dress neatly and put it in the top drawer before I use the last of my homemade lemon soap. I sink into the cramped little tub and wash myself all over, starting with my dusty face. I am disappointed in the roll of skin on my belly. My sisters have flat bellies and cute little belly buttons. I am standing before the mirror naked and wishing I could fix myself when Jude returns from his bath. His hair is wet and his clothes are clinging to his damp skin. He freezes. So, do I. I’m like a deer caught in the headlights of a tractor trailer.
“No, leave it off.” Judea stops me when I snap out of it and reach for my gown. I stay my hands. If he tells me to leave it off. I will leave it off. I cover myself with my arms instead. I get a chill as he slowly walks towards me. I know he sees the stretch marks and the pliant skin. Judging from the love and raw need in his eyes, you would think I’m perfect.
Jude walks right up to me and kisses me like I might disappear forever. His arms are squeezing me but I don’t complain. I put my hands on his arms and I kiss him back. He is the only man that I’ve ever kissed. I am getting better with practice. Jude is a good teacher.
“Put your arms around my neck, Dumani.”
I put my arms around his neck. This is much nicer and I can touch his hair.
“I am going to touch you in places that I won’t mention. You are my wife and it’s natural for us to do this. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Do you understand me?”
I nod my head yes. But, I am not sure if I understand.
“I want you to enjoy it when I touch you. Do you enjoy it when I kiss you, Duma?”
“Yes.”
“Good.” He kisses me again but this time his hands reach up and take down my hair. I close my eyes and enjoy his soapy smell. His hands travel over the sensitive skin of my throat and down my collarbone. His fingertips raise a trail of goosebumps down my bare arm. Before I can recover, his hand covers my bare breast. Oh.
“Breathe.” He whispers. I breathe. His lips turn up into the sweetest smile that I have ever seen. “You are so sweet that you give me cavities.”
Jude squeezes both of my breasts. He squeezes them like he is testing the ripeness the way I do the tomatoes in the garden. I make a sound that makes him squeeze harder.
“Do you like the way this feels, my love?”
“Yes.”
“I can make it feel even better. I am going to make it feel so much better, Dumani.”
“I don’t want to disappoint you. I don’t know what to do and I want to please you.”
“Sweetheart, you are pleasing me right now. Being with you pleases me. Looking at you and holding you pleases me.”
“Your girlfriends—”
“Duma, I never cared about those other women. They weren’t my girlfriends. All they did was teach me how to make love to you. I married you, not them.”
“I won’t make you regret it, Judea. I’ll be a good wife to you.”
“You are a good wife to me. I am taking off my clothes. I want you to see me naked.”
It’s a warning because I haven’t seen a naked man since I was a child spying in windows. I nod my approval. He’s taking his time and letting me know what he is doing step by step. I’ve seen him without a shirt before. I get the same thrill every time he takes it off in front of me. Jude unbuttons his jeans slowly and I watch in open fascination. I’ve seen him take his pants off too but not for me and never for this. My mouth falls open. He isn’t wearing anything underneath. He was always wearing swim trunks before. I know this is a sin but I still can’t look away. It’s darker than the rest of his body and sticking out of a patch of surprisingly curly black hair. I am tingling between my legs again. I want him to touch me in there. I want to feel his naked skin against mine when he’s kissing me. I want him inside of me. I break out in a sweat. What’s come over me? It hits me like a two by four. This is lust. This is what tempted their Adam and Eve. This is what led to her being cursed with a period and them getting kicked out of a garden. I look away ashamed. I was staring at his naked body and I want to stare some more. I turn away completely wondering if I should apologize.
“You can look at me, Dumani. Look at me all you want. I want you to. I’m looking at you. I’m going to see and lick every inch of your body before the night is over with.”
“I am shaped like a bag of apples.” I look down at my calloused big toe and the corns on my baby toes. I am ugly all over. Jude frowns.
“Your brothers were inbred. I wish you’d told me when they said shit like that. I would have kicked their asses.”
“They are worse after you leave.”
“I would’ve beat them up every day until they stopped. You were a big girl and you lost weight. There was going to be changes to your body. These stretch marks and extra skin are a testament to your accomplishment. It will improve in time but not much. You will never be like other women so stop comparing yourself to them.”
“Why did the devil make me eat so much? No matter how much I tried to stop or prayed, I kept stealing extra biscuits and finishing off plates in the kitchen after I cleared the table.” I am giving him the confession that I never gave his father. I am so ashamed. I was ashamed then and now I will carry the shame around forever in the stripes across my droopy body.
“Say five hail Mary’s and eat a salad.” He says dryly.
“Judea.” I blush profusely. He laughs and a part of me wants to laugh with him. I can’t laugh at his mockery of any church.
“Loosen up, Duma. We aren’t in that prison anymore. It wasn’t the devil that made you eat, it was depression. A commoner would send their child to a shrink and put them on a diet. The church prays the devil away. It is your kindness and sweet nature that made me fall in love with you, not your body. I want a good wife, not a skinny one.”
I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say. I enjoy hearing him say kind things to me. It makes me want to believe his words. Jude doesn’t talk anymore. When he pulls me into his arms, I am only chest high. I sigh with pleasure. My husband holds me naked and it feels the way I thought it would. Wicked. Heavenly. Raw. He’s hard as stone and pressing into my belly. The part that’s darker than the rest of him. It’s warm and thick between us. My body responds to his arousal. I’m hurting for him between my legs. Jude kisses me and my breathing changes. He holds me a little tighter. I run my hands over his back hesitantly. Is it okay? Is it too forward?
“Don’t stop. Touch me, Dumani. Touch me wherever you want to. In fact, it’s a command. You have to touch me when we are in bed. I want you to move your hips and moan my name when I’m inside you. I command you to feel no shame or I will cane you.”
“Okay.” I giggle. I can’t help it. He’d never cane me. Judea is teasing me but I understand what he’s saying. When his tongue pushes between my lips again, I meet it with my own to see if he likes it as much as I do. He does. We move to the twin-size bed and he lays me down. There is just enough room for the both of us. His mouth latches onto my nipple. My fingers go to his hair. I moan because he told me to do so when it feels good. The noises release some of my tension and makes Jude suck my nipples harder. Oh, sweet heaven. His hand is down there. I tremble with nerves. No one ever touches it but me. It feels forbidden. Jude is picking the forbidden fruit. He can have it. I don’t care. This feels so damn good.
“Judea?” I’m afraid. I’m afraid of these feelings. I’m afraid for our souls. I’m afraid that he might stop touching me like this one day.
“It’s okay, Dumani. It’s supposed to feel like this. This is the way it’s supposed to be between a husband and his wife.” He eases my fears.
“Okay.”
“I want to kiss you here, Duma. Spread your legs for me.”
“Judea?” I am hesitant and blushing again. He can’t mean to kiss me in that place. Why would people want to kiss each other there?
“Let me do this. I want to do it. I want to taste you. I want to taste all of you.”
He pushes on despite my attempt at a protest. I’m not supposed to say no. When his lips touch me, I forget to protest. I watch his black head move between my thighs as his tongue licks me where it shouldn’t. Jude moans against me like my taste is pleasurable for him.
“Oh, Judea.” I am a sinner. This is another reason why I won’t get into heaven. I love what he is doing too much. His tongue dips inside me and my legs go to shaking on their own.
“I want to make it good for you but I doubt if you orgasm the first time. It will hurt and you will bleed. You will only bleed this once. Next time will be better. Has anyone fucked you, Dumani? Have you ever sucked a dick?” His eyes narrow dangerously. “Don’t lie to me.”
“No.” It’s the truth. “I have never been with a man.”
“Good. I kept my eye on you when we were younger. You were an easy target. You wouldn’t put up a fight or tell anyo
ne if it happened. I would’ve killed any boy or man who took you before me. Look me in my eyes when I join our bodies together.”
Jude reaches down and guides himself to my entrance. He’s pushing it inside me. I feel pressure, so much pressure. I gasp and tense up. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. It burns. He is going slowly and being as gentle as he possibly can but it’s so big.
“Judea.” I dig my nails into his back. This is not what I expected. It’s tearing me open. He stops and doesn’t press any further. I’m shaking like a bag of bones.
“I’ve reached your hymen. I’m going to break through it. Once I’m all the way inside you, I won’t last long. I can cum right now.”
He’s shaking too. Break my hymen? There’s more? His tongue pushes into my mouth and he moans against my lips. He’s pumping in and out of me with a slow roll of his hips. I know he’s restraining himself and he’s not all the way in. I reach down to feel how much of him is inside of me right now. About half and it’s wet. Judea hisses.
“Damn it, Dumani. What in the hell are you doing? I’m barely holding on here. You can’t go doing things like that without warning me.” He groans miserably.
“Do what? Touch it? It’s so wet. Why is it so wet?”
“Jesus, woman. You can’t ask questions like that either. Not this first time. I want to make it good for you. I want it to last longer than sixty seconds.”
His gruffness makes me smile. I love him with everything that I am. I love him more than the church. I love him more than my life. My body relaxes and begins to accept him.
“It’s so big.” I whisper. “Is yours bigger than it’s supposed to—”
The Doomsday Papers Page 11