Butcher Bird

by Richard Kadrey

  “Eyes and skin and everything. Did I get it all right?”

  “You tricked me out like an old Chevy. For what? The Clerks still own me. They’ll just come and take these eyes, too.”

  “Lulu, the Clerks are gone. At least the ones who snagged you. If any others ever show up, I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow ’em all down.”

  Lulu leaned her head on the cabinet, holding her belly. “Why do I feel like this?”

  “You were empty. They were making you into them. That’s what they do. You’re alive again. Being alive hurts,” said Spyder. “And you haven’t had a stomach in how long? That one’s probably hungry.”

  “I remember hungry.”

  “You okay?”

  Lulu nodded. “Yeah.”

  “I did the right thing, didn’t I?”

  Spyder couldn’t see Lulu’s face. Turning, she walked back to the stairs, staring at her hands.

  “Yeah, you did good. It’s just a lot to get hold of. I didn’t realize how much of me was gone.”

  “For what it’s worth, I know how you feel,” said Shrike. “I haven’t seen colors in so long. I remember them all, but I can’t quite recall which is red and which is blue. It’s a little overwhelming.”

  “That’s one word for it.”

  “Sit with me,” Shrike said. Lulu came over the wreckage and curled up with her head in Shrike’s lap.

  “I’d fuck a duck for a cigarette right now,” Lulu said.

  Lucifer was inspecting his palace. He picked up a couple of fragments of cherry-colored glass that had fallen from the dome. Holding them over his eyes, he peered up through the hole in the roof of Hell.

  “Maybe we should put a skylight up there,” he said. “I miss the stars sometimes.”

  “Sorry for busting up the place,” said Spyder.

  Lucifer dropped the glass. “Sorry for tricking you into the bowels of Hell.”

  “I was thinking about taking some time off anyway.”

  Lucifer smiled at some private joke. “This was all one big con job, you know. I manipulated you, but the universe slipped a good one past me.”

  “By saying ‘universe’ you’re trying not to say ‘God’?”

  “Perhaps,” said Lucifer. “I had to go to talking meat— sorry, mortals—to save my kingdom. Not only did you have the power to save it, but to destroy it, too. Maybe pride really is my sin. The Painted Man was right in front of me this whole time, and I never even saw you coming.”

  “Hell, you brought him here,” said Lulu.

  “Thank you for reminding me,” he said with mock gratitude. Lucifer picked up a gilded candle sconce, looked around and threw it back into the rubble. Going to his curiosities, he began picking up the cabinets that had fallen over. Spyder went to help him.

  “I don’t know about the Painted Man thing,” Spyder said as they turned the wooden Fabergé egg case upright. The gleaming eggs lay in a thousand pieces on the bottom of the velvet-lined cabinet, bejeweled junk. “I don’t exactly feel like Jesus Christ or Bruce Lee.”

  “Good. That’s my job,” Lucifer said.

  “What happens now?” asked Shrike.

  Lucifer pulled the cabinet with John the Baptist’s heart from where it was leaning precariously against the wall, setting it flat on the floor. Shifting it inch by inch, he got it aligned exactly where he wanted it. Spyder helped him slide the crown of thorns cabinet until it was just so.

  “Deo gratias,” Lucifer said. He looked at Shrike. “The Dominions have broken the boundaries of Hell. All bets are off. You can go home any time you like. Me, I begin rebuilding. None of this affects our work here, you know. Yahweh had his little laugh, but we’re still building our Heaven.” He pulled a scarlet silk kerchief from his pocket and wiped some of the dust off the glass of the cabinet that housed the crown of thorns. “And if he destroys that one, we’ll build it again. We have all eternity to get it right.”

  “We’re going to have to take the book with us,” said Shrike. “Madame Cinders will want it in return for my father.” She brushed some of Lulu’s hair out of the girl’s eyes.

  “Take it. I don’t want the damned thing around here.”

  “Can we really give it to her?” asked Spyder. “I got a glimpse of what it is. I don’t know anything about magic and look what it did to me. What could someone with her knowledge do with it?”

  “She’ll do exactly what Xero was going to do. Make a deal with the Dominions and grab as much power she can,” Lucifer said. He opened the case with his puzzle boxes and set them back on their proper display stands.

  “We can’t let her do that,” Spyder said. He went to where Shrike was sitting and knelt down next to her. “We can’t give her the key to all that power.”

  “She’ll kill my father. Or worse. Curse him again. He’ll be right back in Hell and all of this will have been for nothing.”

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Idiot, you’re a hero now. You’re going to have to learn to think on a larger scale,” said Lucifer. He used his kerchief to slap at the dust that had settled on his clothes. “You just cracked open a hole in the universe, deceived the devil, wrecked Hell and sent the Black Clerks packing. Even I couldn’t do all that and I can do a lot. Yet with all that to your credit, you’re telling me you can’t defeat one dying hag?”

  “I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

  “You have a warrior by your side and the Prince of Darkness for a friend. What you don’t know is how to ask for help, but that is how we gain knowledge and improve ourselves.”

  “Okay,” said Spyder. He leaned back his head, threw out his arms and shouted as loudly as he could, “Help!”

  Lucifer shook his head. Shrike covered her ears.

  “Damn, I’ve wanted to do that for days,” Spyder said.

  Lucifer kicked his way through the rubble until he found what he was looking for. When he picked it up, Spyder recognized the knife the head Clerk had used to stab him.

  “You asked for help and here it is,” Lucifer said. “When troubled by a diseased sorceress like Madame Cinders, you need a miracle. Look to the saints for a cure.”

  Lucifer took the knife and went to his curiosity cabinets.

  “Come here, so I can give you something,” he said. Spyder went to him. Lucifer made one quick slice and wrapped the prize in the scarlet kerchief before handing it to over. “Don’t lose that.”

  “I won’t,” said Spyder, finding himself suddenly able to be a little shocked again.

  Shrike went to where the cage with the book had fallen over. The impact had turned the marble beneath it to powder and driven the book several feet into the floor.

  “Any suggestions on how we can move this thing? It’s a thousand pounds if it’s an ounce,” she said.

  “Travel for all of you, including the book, is being arranged right now,” Lucifer said.

  “So, we’re probably at the goodbye portion of the evening,” said Spyder. “I really suck at this.”

  Lucifer smiled. “I know. I looked into the minds of some of your exes.”

  “Find anything good in there?”

  “You’re not universally despised.” Lucifer leaned in to whisper, “That includes Jenny. But you need to learn to let go of things that only exist in the past tense.”

  Lucifer went to Shrike. She put her arms around him. “You helped me free my father. I’ll always be grateful for that,” she said.

  “You’ve lived half your life in light and half in darkness. Which do you prefer?” Lucifer asked.

  “When I’ve seen enough of either I’ll tell you.”

  “Fair enough,” he said, and leaned in to kiss her cheek. Then reached out for Lulu’s perfect, restored hands and gave each a kiss.

  “You’re a prince, Prince,” she said. “You could turn a dyke’s head.”

  “A higher compliment, I’ll never receive.”

  Lucifer went to Spyder and the two of them looked at each other.


  “Think we’re ever going to meet up again?” Spyder asked.

  “Abyssus abyssum invocat,” Lucifer said. “‘Hell calls Hell.’ For better or worse, we are brothers. We’ll meet again.”

  “When you get Heaven finished, invite me to the opening.”

  Lucifer nodded toward the palace portico. “Your ride is here.”

  Spyder turned. He knew what was coming from the sound and the word-picture Lulu had painted back at the Bone Sea. Finally seeing the enormous mechanical spider, however, was a much stranger sight than he’d imagined. Still, the contraption wasn’t as frightening as what had been in his head back when he’d been blindfolded. The creature moved so delicately on its long legs, Spyder thought that it looked like it was walking on tiptoe.

  Lulu walked up to the machine.

  “Cornelius, remember me?” she asked.

  The head on the enormous mechanism looked puzzled. “I apologize, madam. My memory isn’t what it used to be. However, meeting you now is certainly a pleasure,” he said. Cornelius turned his attention to Lucifer and bowed deeply.

  “You were a gleeful and criminally stupid thug during your life. Do you recall any of that?” Lucifer asked. He approached Cornelius, who continued to hold his deep bow.

  “No, my lord.”

  “We harnessed your brutish tendencies to make use of you while you were in my domain. But I’m prepared to relieve you of this job. Would you like that?” Lucifer made a dismissive gesture with his hand. “Don’t bother answering, of course you would. You will take these good people and this book out that hole you might have noticed in the roof. You will take them wherever they want to go and do whatever they ask of you. When they dismiss you, and only then, you will return here to me and we’ll discuss finding you some other task that won’t wrack your pea-size brain. Do you understand?”

  “Yes. Thank you, my lord.”

  “Pick up the book and wait outside.”

  Cornelius stood up and moved with delicate, almost mincing steps until he’d positioned his enormous body properly on the uneven floor. Four of his metal legs scrabbled in the wreckage and pulled the book free. When it was secure against his belly, metal jaws clamped down on it, allowing him to lower his legs. He turned and went outside, a bit slower than when he’d entered, weighed down by the book’s bulk.

  They followed Cornelius out to the plaza and one by one climbed onto his back. Lucifer stood below in the palace portico looking up at them through the cherry-colored dome glass he held before his right eye.

  “The good thing about glass is that we can melt it down and use it again. This marble is a total loss, though. Maybe I’ll have some bankers dig it out with their teeth.” Lucifer bowed deeply to them, waved once, turned on his heels and strode back inside his palace.

  Spyder and the others held on tight as Cornelius loped through the wreckage of Pandemonium, out across the plains of Hell to one of the impossibly high walls that were the boundaries of the underworld. Then, they began to climb.

  FIFTY-EIGHT

  ROLL ME A SMOKE, JOHN WAYNE

  “Eight legs good! Two legs bad!” Lulu shouted as they strode across the desert.

  They were making good time. Cornelius never needed to rest or slow down, even when walking straight into a sandstorm. Spyder told him to head for Berenice and he started straight across the desert without hesitation. A trip that had taken days on the way out, they now covered in a few hours. Around midmorning, when they caught sight of the city of memories, it was strangely reassuring.

  “One step closer to home,” said Shrike.

  Something was happening around Berenice. Even at a distance, they could see it. A dozen airships were in port on the south side of the city. Spyder wondered if they should turn and head back into the open desert, then flag down a boat when they hit the coast. He didn’t like the idea of going up in one of the airships again, and he was reasonably sure no one else did. But there was no telling when anything larger than a local fishing boat would come along. They had to go to Berenice.

  “Damn,” said Spyder. “I should have asked Lucifer for some of those jewels back on the ground in Hell. We don’t have a penny to buy a ride.”

  “We’ll be fine,” Shrike said.

  “You think?”

  Shrike leaned against Spyder, running a hand through the hair on the back of his head. “The Count was right, you need to think bigger.”

  They caught sight of the first lookout a couple of miles from the city. The boy had been asleep, and his loose dun-colored robes blended into the sand. He awoke suddenly and screamed as Cornelius nearly stepped on him.

  The boy ran ahead for a few paces, shouting excitedly to them before stopping, raising a pistol over his head and firing off a flare. Cornelius never broke stride and the boy ran after them.

  “You don’t think they’re a lynch mob, do you?” asked Spyder. “For me doing over that memory?”

  “I don’t think so,” said Shrike. “But if anyone does anything stupid, Cornelius can run us to the coast.”

  Other lookouts popped out of the sand as they approached the city, gawkers, too. It all made Spyder nervous, and he kept his hand on his knife, but each group smiled and waved at them as they passed. No one seemed upset to see them and better yet, thought Spyder, none of them looked like cops.

  A group of twenty or more robed men and women met them at a wadi just outside the city walls. Dignitaries. Local bigwigs, thought Spyder. They had that self-important air about them, like the kind of crowd back home that gave a million dollars to the symphony just so they can get a plaque and their name in a newsletter. What the hell did they want? He slipped Apollyon’s blade behind his back and kept his hand on the hilt. Shrike touched his arm.

  “Relax,” she said. “They’re friends. They’ll probably give you the key to the city.”

  “We’ll see,” he said.

  However time and space moved in the underworld, on Earth there had obviously been enough time for word to spread about what had happened below.

  “I don’t guess it would take Sherlock Holmes to figure it out,” Lulu said. “There’s a hole the size of Dallas in the middle of the desert.”

  Just to make sure no one got frisky, Spyder had Cornelius stroll right up to the Berenice officials. The dignitaries looked a bit nervous by the proximity of the giant spider, but they all smiled and applauded as Spyder and the others climbed off. A gray-haired man with fierce Maori-style facial tattoos, clearly the head of the delegation, embraced each of them as they came down. With his hand on Spyder’s shoulder, the tattooed man turned to the other dignitaries and began a quick speech in a flowing, melodious language.

  Spyder looked at Shrike. “You got a clue what this guy’s saying?”

  “He’s speaking Ubari. It’s an old city-state built in the First Sphere. I haven’t heard it spoken in a long time,” she said. “He’s calling us the ‘Saviors of Light.’ ‘Defenders of Light.’ Something like that.”

  “If at any point he says ‘prison bitches,’ let us know,” said Lulu.

  The Ubarian ambassador said something while standing next to each of them, gesturing extravagantly, clearly enjoying his moment in the spotlight. The assembled delegates nodded and laughed politely. It looked to Spyder that a lot of the crowd were like him, not understanding the man, but going along with the group out of politeness or ritual. He spotted one man off to the side in the ordinary working robes of a merchant, rolling a cigarette. Spyder held up two fingers in the universal gesture of smoking. The man smiled and handed Spyder the cigarette he’d just finished, and lit it with a small gray stone that emitted a jet of flame when he breathed across it. Spyder took a long puff and bowed a little thanks, and then passed the smoke to Lulu, who took it eagerly.

  “It’s their great honor to greet us after our battle with the Princes of Despair,” said Shrike.

  “Who’s that? The Clerks, you think?”

  “Maybe. All I know is, they’re happy to see us and no one is g
oing to be arrested or lynched.”

  “Good news. He going to shut up soon, you think?”

  Lulu came over and handed the cigarette back to Spyder. She dug in the sand with her boot, then half-turned away from the dignitaries.

  “That tall blonde guy in the back look familiar?” she asked.

  Spyder scanned the crowd discreetly, not letting his gaze linger anywhere too long.

  “Should he?”

  “Isn’t he that prince from the airship? The one Primo was talking to on TV?”

  “Bel. His ship got stuck to ours. I guess the prick didn’t die in the dogfight, after all.”

  “Maybe we can get a ride with him. He owes us,” Lulu said.

  “How d’you figure?”

  “We saw him fuck up big time. And we’re the Power Rangers of Light or whatever. He’ll fart and tap dance for us if we ask.”

  “I’ll settle for a drink and a shower.”

  “We’re invited to a banquet in our honor,” Shrike said. “All of Berenice, Ubari and the families of the Second Sphere want to honor us.”

  Spyder smiled at the man and nodded. “Can we say no?”

  “They won’t be happy.”

  “Tell him we need to get your father,” Spyder said. “Tell him Dad’s sick and in danger. We have to get to him fast.”

  Shrike stepped forward and smiled at the crowd, with all the dignity she could muster. She spoke slowly, hesitantly, taking long pauses, groping for words. Spyder and Lulu finished the cigarette and Spyder tucked the stub into his pocket. The man in the merchant robes came forward and gave them his bag of tobacco, along with his rolling papers. Spyder accepted, nodding sincere thanks.

  “This hero thing doesn’t half suck,” he said.

  “Roll me a smoke, John Wayne,” Lulu replied.

  When Shrike finished, the Ubari dignitary began chattering and gesturing again. His guests nodded solemnly and looked at Spyder.

  “We off the hook?” he asked.

  “I think so,” said Shrike. “He’s saying that we’re true champions appointed by god, I think, or some kind of giant bird. That we care so much for humanity that we can’t even stop to celebrate a victory…you get the idea.”