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A Little Bit Pregnant

Page 19

by Susan Mallery


  She shook her head. “As far as I know, there’s only one baby. Don’t panic. I’m just curious. Could you love two children?”

  He had no idea where she was going with this. “Sure. Why wouldn’t I?”

  “Because you can’t love another woman. You still love Amber. So why don’t you still love your unborn child?”

  “That’s different.”

  “How?”

  “Isn’t it obvious?”

  “No,” she told him. “Is it because the baby wasn’t real, just like our child isn’t real yet? Are you saying that you could love another child because that child hadn’t been born? What if it had been? Would you open your heart to another child, having lost one?”

  He shifted uncomfortably. “What’s your point?” he asked, not sure what she was getting at, but more than a little wary about the direction they were taking. “I want to be a father. I want to take care of both of you.”

  “I appreciate that,” she said. “You care about me.”

  He relaxed a little. “You know I do.”

  “And as a friend, you can love me, just not romantically.”

  The tension returned. He sensed pitfalls but couldn’t see them. “You’re very important to me.”

  “Nice dodge,” she told him. “I’m trying to define your limits. Who can you love and under what circumstances? Because I’m not sure I believe you. That you could love more than one child. You can’t love more than one woman and I don’t think it’s different at all. You never saw your baby with Amber, so it wasn’t real to you.”

  He glared at her. “You don’t understand. You weren’t there.”

  “I know. And watching your wife die like that had to be the most emotionally devastating event imaginable.”

  He tried not to picture the explosion. “It was worse,” he said grimly. “I’m the one who killed her.”

  “That’s where I take issue with you,” Nicki told him. “Unless you put a bomb on the helicopter, you didn’t kill her any more than I did. You wanted her to leave, which made sense. There was a problem with the helicopter. It was horrible and tragic, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  He turned away from her. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

  “As a matter of fact, I do. It’s like my skiing accident. It was awful. It changed me forever. I’ve been to hell and back, too, Zane. You’re not the only one. The difference is I lived through it, while you’re still dying every day.”

  “You didn’t lose someone.”

  “I lost who I was. I lost who I could have been. I’m not saying that I don’t love my life. I’m grateful I survived and that I fought back, but there was still a huge loss. I faced the demons and the fear. Sometimes they still catch me off guard. I’ve learned that in the past couple of days. I’ll beat them down again. But what about you? Will you ever face your past? Will you ever move beyond? Because if you don’t, there’s no point in us continuing at all. I’m not interested in a man who lives his life ruled by fear.”

  Zane glared at her and swore. She didn’t know. She had no right to judge him. “There isn’t any fear.”

  “I think that’s all there is. Fear that if you love again, you’ll lose. It’s so much easier not to try. You hide behind women who can’t matter because you’re terrified you’ll find one who does, and then what? You’ll have to risk it.”

  “With you?” he asked with contempt.

  “With anyone.” She sighed. “Ironically, knowing this about you doesn’t change how I feel. I still love you. I want to be your partner, your wife and the mother of your children. But I won’t be your atonement. Either you risk it all, or you get nothing. You have to be willing to take a chance.”

  He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t think, couldn’t feel. His only instinct was to run.

  “I want to say I think you’ll come to your senses,” she said. “Unfortunately, I don’t.”

  “I have to go,” he said, rising to his feet. He headed for the door.

  Before he got there, she spoke. “I’m leaving Seattle.”

  Zane turned and stared at her. “What?”

  “I’m moving to Tucson. I can’t have a real life until I get over you, and I can’t see you every day at work and get over you. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to do.”

  Leaving? But then she would be out of his life. “When?” he asked.

  “I gave my notice to Jeff this afternoon. I’m listing the house this weekend and moving in six weeks.”

  He reached for the doorknob. It took three tries before he was able to grasp it and escape.

  He climbed into his car and headed away, driving as fast as the narrow streets would let him. Leaving. She was leaving. He tried to tell himself it was better this way. That they would get on with their lives. But he didn’t believe it.

  What about the baby? If she was out of state, he would never see his child, or have contact with it. Was that for the best?

  He drove and drove, until he ended up by the water. Always the water. He stood at the same dock, looking out at the boats and the water. Cold seeped into his bones.

  He knew what Nicki wanted, what she’d always wanted. To be someone’s first choice. To be loved and cherished. But he couldn’t love her. It was wrong. He still loved Amber. Amber who was…

  Dead. Amber was dead.

  The truth slammed into him like a runaway train. It plowed through him and over him, leaving him bent, broken and in pieces. She was dead, she was gone and she was never ever coming back. Just like their child. Just like their hopes and dreams. It was all over. It had been over for years.

  But he hadn’t wanted to let go, because loving her had been the best part of him. Even feeling guilty had helped keep her alive. Without her, who was he?

  Staggered by the truth, he clung to the handrail. The smell of the water reminded him of a day trip he and Nicki had made to Friday Harbor. He remembered the wind tangling her hair and how she’d laughed as she rolled back and forth as the boat had rocked. That had been a good day. There had been a thousand just like them, because any day with Nicki was a good day.

  At that moment Zane realized he’d been blessed twice in his life. He’d managed to find two of the most amazing women ever born and somehow they’d fallen in love with him. He’d lost one, through circumstances that weren’t his fault. Was he about to lose the other because he was a horse’s ass?

  She deserved so much more than he could offer, but for some reason, she wanted him. How the hell had he gotten so damn lucky?

  He shook his head. He’d come so close to losing her. Now all he had to do was get his sorry hide back to her place and convince her to give him another chance.

  He headed for his car but before he got there, his cell phone rang. The caller ID said the call was from Jeff.

  “What’s up?” he asked by way of greeting.

  “Sabotini’s youngest son was just kidnapped,” Jeff told him. “Tim already has our gear and will meet us at the jet. Be there in twenty minutes.”

  Zane arrived at the airport to find the team already in place. Nicki was there with a checklist. When he walked toward her, she acknowledged him with a tight nod, then pointed to his pile of gear.

  “I need you to go through that. Call out what you have and I’ll note it.”

  He wanted to talk about something more important than whether or not he had a stun gun in his bag, but knew this wasn’t the time. Whatever his personal feelings might be, or what he might have learned, Sabotini’s kid was in danger and that had to be his first priority.

  In less than twenty minutes, they were on the jet and taxiing down the runway.

  Zane and Jeff sat together. Jeff brought him up to date on how the kidnapping had occurred. Within an hour, they were receiving information from Nicki, who had set up a command center back at the office. She fed reports from local law enforcement, as well as messages from resources Jeff and Zane had in Europe.

  Two hours out of New York, Zane
briefed the team. They had a good idea of where the boy was being held and would be going in to get him.

  “What about local law enforcement?” Nicki asked, her voice only slightly scratchy after being bounced off a satellite.

  “Mr. Sabotini wants us to move quickly,” Jeff said. “We take orders from him.”

  “Don’t get arrested.”

  “That’s a secondary concern.”

  “I know. It’s just all that bail money really cuts into petty cash.”

  Jeff smiled. “I’ll be in touch,” he said and disconnected the call. Then he turned to Zane. “Want to talk about what’s up?”

  Zane shrugged. Normally he was the one coordinating communications with Nicki, but this time, he’d handed the headset to Jeff.

  Jeff glanced back at their team, then lowered his voice. “I know she’s pregnant. She told me.”

  Zane wasn’t surprised. “We’re dealing with it.”

  “Not very well. She resigned.”

  Zane’s gut tightened. She’d told him she’d done it, but he’d been hoping she’d exaggerated the truth. He should have known that wasn’t her way.

  “She wants to go to Tucson and live near her folks,” he said.

  Jeff stared at him. “What do you want?”

  Nicki, Zane thought. “The situation is complicated.”

  “When I was being an idiot about Ashley, you told me that chances like that don’t come along very often. That I had the opportunity to find normal and that I should take it.”

  “I remember,” Zane said.

  “I’m going to give that same advice back to you. You loved and lost once. Do you want to love and lose again because this time you’re not willing to take a chance? To find someone you can love heart and soul is a miracle.”

  Zane nodded. “I’ve figured that much out myself. The thing is…” He couldn’t believe he was about to admit this. “I’m not worth it. I don’t know why the hell she cares, but she does. How am I supposed to live up to that?”

  Jeff shrugged. “You can’t. None of us can. Those women who love us are amazing. They don’t expect perfection. All they ask for in return for their love and devotion is for us to love them back. It seems to me we’re getting the better bargain, but they don’t mind.”

  It made no sense to Zane. Yet when he thought about his conversations with Nicki, all she’d ever asked was for him to love her back. It didn’t seem like nearly enough, but maybe he was making this too hard.

  Before he could decide, the satellite phone rang. Zane reached for it.

  “What have you got?” he asked.

  Nicki blinked in surprise. She’d expected to hear Jeff’s voice and she really hated that hearing Zane’s made her heart thunder like a herd of buffalo.

  “Infrared photos from the complex,” she said. “I’m faxing them. I think we’ve found the boy and his kidnappers.”

  She heard Zane repeating the information, then the shuffling of paper.

  “Got ’em,” he said. “What’s the word from local law enforcement?”

  “They’re unhappy that you’ve been called in. But Mr. Sabotini has some very influential friends. A call came from D.C. that you were to be given whatever backup you needed. I guess you won’t be going to jail.”

  “Good thing. The food is lousy.”

  She heard muffled voices, then Zane spoke again.

  “We’re about twenty minutes from landing. I’ll call back when we’re on our way there.”

  “I’ll be waiting.” She hesitated. “Be careful.”

  “Always.”

  There was a click, then he was gone.

  Nicki spent the next couple of hours relaying information to the team. She tapped into multiple computer systems and satellite systems, coordinating everything through her console. Most of the support staff had been called in.

  By the time the team pulled up to within a quarter mile of the old abandoned grocery store, it was dawn on the east coast.

  “The best time to attack,” she murmured to herself. “It’s when the enemy gets weakest.”

  She’d heard Zane and Jeff talk about that dozens of times and knew it to be true. Everything would be fine. Within an hour or so, the kid would be rescued and everyone would be heading home. Including Zane.

  Nicki ached to see him—a real mistake considering how things were between them. She was supposed to be leaving town in an effort to get over him. Missing him after less than twelve hours didn’t bode well for her recovery.

  Nicki turned her attention back to the team and what was happening. They were all wearing headsets now, and she could listen to their conversations. She sent the latest infrared photos to Jeff’s handheld console and talked with Zane about the temporary security system setup.

  “I’ve tapped into it and turned it off,” she said. “The fools actually hooked it up to the phone lines, if you can believe it.”

  “Good work,” he said. “All right everybody. Lock and load. Remember, stun weapons only. There’s a kid in there. Nobody gets dead on this one.”

  Nicki swallowed. The decision had been made to not use bullets for fear of starting a gunfight that would take out the hostage. But that didn’t mean the kidnappers would play by their rules.

  Several voices came at once, then quieted as the team approached the buildings. She heard sounds of movement, the squeak of a door. Quiet voices murmured their positions.

  When the action started, it was fast, confusing and left her shaking. Just like always. But this time Nicki listened for someone to say the boy was okay. She had a direct line to Mr. Sabotini, and would get to him with real-time information, just as soon as she had it.

  “Got him,” Zane said gruffly. “Jeez, he’s maybe seven. Hey, it’s all right.”

  She heard a child crying, then a babble of words she couldn’t understand.

  “Great,” Zane muttered. “He doesn’t speak English.”

  “I’m getting a patch,” Nicki yelled, as she typed furiously. “Mr. Sabotini, Zane has your son, but he’s terrified. He doesn’t speak English. Tell him we’re the good guys.”

  Nicki listened as father and son communicated. The relief in the older man’s voice made her smile. She touched her stomach, knowing one day she would have a baby to hold and love. Pray God she was never put in Mr. Sabotini’s position.

  “Better,” Zane said a couple of minutes later. “Jeff, we’re ready. Is that all five of them?”

  Nicki froze. “Zane, there’s six. Remember? That one guy who’s—”

  Her words were cut off in a hail of gunfire. At the sound of the bullets, Nicki’s heart froze. She knew, she just knew even before she heard Jeff yell.

  “I’ve got the boy. Somebody grab Zane.” Jeff swore. “He’s been hit. Damn it all to hell.”

  There was more gunfire. The console blurred and Nicki realized she was crying. “No,” she whispered. “Zane, no!”

  “Nicki?”

  She recognized his voice. Relief flooded her. “Zane? Are you okay?”

  Ted’s voice came over her headpiece. “He’s, ah, fine, Nicki.”

  She knew a lie when she heard one. “Ted, you have to save him. You have to!”

  ‘Nicki,’ Zane said, sounding more than a little shaky. ‘I’m really sorry. About everything. I know the timing really sucks on this, but I want you to know I love you. For real. For always.’

  She couldn’t believe it. Her tears fell faster. She brushed them away and grabbed the mouthpiece. “You better mean that, Zane. And you’d better come back here alive or I’ll never forgive you.”

  She felt someone crouch next to her and turned to find Brenda. The older woman pulled her close.

  “I’m sure he’ll be fine,” she said.

  Nicki nodded because she couldn’t speak. The sound of a helicopter filled her headset, then she heard nothing at all.

  Six hours later, Nicki was back on the airport tarmac. Jeff had called to say Zane was going to be okay and that they were heading home. T
he kidnappers had been arrested and were already giving the names of their leaders. The law enforcement officials figured it would only take a couple of days to round everyone up.

  A grateful Mr. Sabotini had promised to visit Seattle to thank the team in person…but not for a few days. Right now he wanted to be with his family.

  Nicki could relate to that. She only wanted to see Zane. Apparently he’d insisted on flying home rather than checking into a hospital, so she knew he was conscious, but she didn’t know how bad his injury was. Zane could be five kinds of stubborn.

  Just in case, she had a private ambulance standing by and had already plotted the quickest route to the nearest hospital. As for herself, she was numb. His last words, that he loved her, echoed in her mind. If they were true—please God, let them be true—then she had everything she’d ever wanted in life.

  It seemed like hours before the plane finally appeared in the sky, then landed and taxied to where she was sitting. The doors opened. Jeff came out first. She searched his face, hoping for some clue to Zane’s condition, but her boss’s features were annoyingly blank. She braced herself for a stretcher, for blood, for something really horrible, then nearly passed out when Zane appeared at the top of the stairs.

  He actually walked down himself. Unaided. Her gaze narrowed as she took in the sling he wore and the flew specks of blood on his shirt.

  “That’s it?” she screeched. “You’re barely shot at all?”

  He grinned sheepishly as he approached. “I sort of got winged during the gunfight. At first it looked a lot worse than it was.”

  She was both furious and relieved. “You made me suffer,” she told him. “Dammit, Zane, I thought you were going to die.”

  He walked over and crouched in front of her.

  “Never,” he said, taking her hands in his. “I don’t want to leave you.” He stared into her eyes. “I might have exaggerated my condition to get the sympathy vote, but everything else I said was a hundred percent true. I love you, Nicki.”

  She gazed at him. “What about Amber? What about the past?”

  “I loved her, and some part of me will always care about her. But she’s my past and you’re my future. I want to love you every day of my life. I want us to have children together, to be happy, to grow old. I love you, Nicki, more than I can ever tell you.”

 

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