Breathe

by Abbi Glines

  No matter how special these times in the wee hours of the morning were, it still wore on me. I fought the urge to crawl up in a corner at work and sleep. Some nights Sam slept two hours at a time, if I would put him beside my bed. Those nights I always functioned better having had at least five hours sleep. Jessica and I didn’t talk much. When I came home, she went in her room to cry and listen to 80s music. I always took Sam to her before I left each morning, fed with a clean diaper and clothes on for the day. I called her from work and reminded her about feeding time because she just didn’t seem to have it together. I was starting to get nervous about leaving him at home with her, but I reminded myself she was the mom, not me.

  School started back. Marcus had left two weeks before, and I stood in the yard and waved as he drove away. At first, I panicked because I worried about what would happen if I found myself back in the dark blanket. But then I remembered Sam, and Jessica’s unstable behavior, and I knew that scenario could not happen. I had someone to take care of now. I couldn’t lose it again. My life no longer belonged to me. Sometimes, it seemed like my time with Jax happened in another lifetime. But then the memories of his smile and his laugh reminded me of how close we had been to happiness. I sighed and grabbed my book bag and gazed down at Sam, sound asleep. I left my door open and left him in the bassinet by my bed. I opened Jessica’s door, and she turned and stared at me with red swollen eyes.

  “I’m going to be late if I don’t go. I fed him an hour ago, and he has on a clean diaper. He is asleep in my room.” I stopped there and forced myself not to give her any directions on taking care of her child.

  She yawned and stretched. “All right, thanks, Sadie. I know I have needed you a lot lately. I just can’t seem to get it together.” She sounded almost wounded.

  I nodded and left her there. I didn’t know what to say to her, because what I wanted to say was “Grow up! You have a baby!” and I knew I couldn’t, so I just left.

  My bike ride to school was short, and I was there and in the building in plenty of time to find my new locker and my first period class. People watched me, and a few whispered, but I ignored them and focused on my task at hand. I received a top locker this year in the middle of the hall. Apparently, the seniors were given the better locker location.

  “Hey stranger,” a familiar voice said behind me, and I turned to see Amanda.

  I hadn’t spent much time with her because she didn’t hang out with her brother and his friends. “Hey Amanda, how are you?”

  She smiled and shrugged. “Great! Finally a senior!”

  I smiled and wished I cared. “Yep, finally seniors,” I said, feigning excitement.

  Her eyes seemed sympathetic. “I’m sorry about everything that happened and all. Marcus told me some of it before he left because he wants me to watch out for you and call him if you need him.”

  I couldn’t help but smile at her words. “Your brother is a very good friend whom I do not deserve,” I admitted and turned to put the rest of my books in my locker before I ran late for class.

  She chuckled. “Yeah, well, that would be because he wishes you cared about him like you do Jax Stone.” She froze and bit her lip when she saw me wince. “I’m so sorry, I... Marcus told me not to talk about Jax….”

  I shook my head. “No, that’s fine. People are going to talk about him, and I am going to learn to deal with it.”

  She nodded, but she didn’t seem too sure. “Well, I had better get to class. I’ll see you around later, maybe. We might have some classes together.”

  I smiled and nodded. “That would be nice.”

  She grinned and turned to walk away, but stopped and looked back at me. “I, well, is um...okay I don’t know if this is off limits to talk about, but is ‘Don’t Cry’ about you?”

  My throat tightened as I remembered the song I had listened to countless times, curled into a ball as I let the memories wash over me. Lately, I had stopped listening to it because it put me in a mood I could hardly escape. Sam needed me, and I couldn’t do that to him. I wanted to believe the song was for me but I didn’t know for sure. I knew the chords I had heard him working on them when we were together. But I wasn’t sure if it had anything to do with me.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know.”

  She gave a sad sigh and walked away. I took a moment to compose myself as the words filled my head. I had to get a grip and get to class. After several deep breaths, I turned and went to room 223. I started my day off this year with trigonometry. How exciting.

  After two classes of people asking me questions about Jax that I didn’t want to answer, the thought of going to a cafeteria where I was going to be the main source for Jax Stone info made me cringe. I stood at my locker longer than necessary, and then went to the library instead. I could eat when I got home. I would begin on my homework. I slipped over to the tables and got out my trigonometry book and began working. My eyes, however, had a hard time staying focused, and I had to fight to keep them from closing.

  “Sadie! Wake up! Sadie!” I lifted my head to see Amanda frowning down at me.

  “Are you all right?” she asked, reminding me of her older brother.

  I rubbed my eyes and nodded. “Yes, I guess I need to get more sleep.” I knew I needed to get more sleep. But I wasn’t going to until I got Sam to sleep during the night.

  “Well, come on you’re late for literature, and Mr. Harris almost didn’t let me come get you. I told him you thought your next class was Spanish, and he agreed to let me come find you.”

  I smiled at her imagination. “Thanks.”

  She picked up my books and tugged on my arm. “Don’t thank me now. We may both be in trouble if you don’t hurry. And get rid of the ‘you just woke up’ stare. It will blow my cover.”

  I rubbed my face and nodded.

  We had to go to my locker first and switch out my books.

  “Why were you in the library anyway?” she asked as I grabbed the correct books.

  “Because I didn’t want to face lunch and everyone’s questions,” I mumbled

  She nodded. “Well, you were missed. The only reason you were not bombarded in the library was because by the time everyone figured out where you were, lunch was over.”

  I sighed and shut my locker door. “I want to go back to being invisible,” I grumbled and fell in step with Amanda.

  Amanda frowned and shook her head. “It isn’t going to happen. You need to prepare yourself. The homecoming dance is next month, and you are going to be hit big time with requests to take you.”

  That wasn’t even an option. I wasn’t going to date anyone. I refused to go to any dance.

  “Well, help me get the word around that I don’t dance,” I muttered as she opened the door to the classroom, and we went inside. Luckily, Mr. Harris only gave me a stern glare, but said nothing. I slipped into the only free desk, behind a tall, dark haired guy whose head blocked my view of the board. I’d leaned over to write the page numbers we were supposed to read for homework when the tall guy in front of me turned around.

  “You’re Sadie White, aren’t you?” he asked grinning.

  I nodded wishing I could just lie and tell him NO. He cleared his throat. “I’m Dameon Wallace.” I gave him a small polite smile and searched for the page we were supposed to be reading.

  “Do you speak, or do you have something against me?”

  I sighed and glanced up. He must’ve been unleashing what he assumed was a charming smile. It wasn’t bad really. He was attractive enough. His blue eyes lacked the intensity of Jax’s steel blue eyes. His smile didn’t look really sincere. More sure of himself and cocky, maybe.

  “I’m just late for class, and I’m trying to get caught up.”

  He flashed me a crooked grin he also apparently thought was cute. “No worries you didn’t miss much. So, you single again?”

  My stomach knotted. I gave him a tight smile and nodded before turning back to my book.

  “What are your plans
after school? I was thinking we could go get a drink and walk down to the beach.” He sounded so sure of himself and his offer I had to remind myself I was a good person and not mean.

  I managed a smile and said, “I work after school, sorry.” I went back to trying to read my page.

  “After work?” He seemed a little unsure of himself now.

  “I’m sorry, but I have to go straight home and get homework done and help my mother with my little brother.” I wanted to add, I am not going to be dating anyone, so leave me alone, but I refrained and went back to reading.

  He watched me a few seconds more, and then I heard him sigh and turn back around in his seat. I tried to comprehend what I was reading, but I couldn’t keep my mind on the words. I hated feeling like I was an item to be studied on a display shelf. Everyone wanted to watch and see what I would do. Once the bell rang, I grabbed my books and headed for the door as quickly as humanly possible. I needed to get away. Far, far away.

  “Hey, Sadie, wait up,” Amanda called from behind me.

  I slowed and turned to see her running to catch me.

  “What did Dameon Wallace say to you?” She almost squealed in delight.

  I frowned and tried to remember our one-sided conversation. “Well, he asked me out, I said no, and that was about it.” I kept my eyes on the hallway and didn’t think about the people staring at me.

  “He asked you out?” she asked with a hushed reverence.

  I simply nodded.

  “OMG, he is the absolute hottest guy in Sea Breeze. You do know he is a quarterback, and not only that, he has several SEC schools interested in him.”

  I had no idea, and I did not care. I shrugged and opened my locker to get my bag out. “That’s great. Good for him,” I replied.

  She stood staring at me open-mouthed. “I can’t understand how you told him no. No one tells him no. Girls dream about him at night. He’s gorgeous. Did you see his arms?” She fanned herself. “Wow,” she added for extra affect.

  I rolled my eyes. “Really, Amanda, if you like him that much, then you date him. I am just not interested.”

  Amanda sighed and leaned back against the locker. “If he would acknowledge my existence, then I would go after him. But until today, I have never seen him interested in a girl in this school. He dates college girls.”

  I slipped my bag over my shoulder. “Well, apparently, he has changed his mind,” I muttered.

  “He is so cute. I don’t know how you turned him down,” Amanda droned on.

  I liked Amanda, but I wasn’t in the mood for this. I wasn’t interested in this guy. “I need to get to work. Thanks again for waking me up.”

  She nodded, and I headed for the exit. My first day back, and I was already hating school. If I could just blend in and go unnoticed, this would be bearable. I looked up to see Dameon headed my way, and I picked up the pace. I wondered how obvious it would be if I ran to my bike. My faster pace apparently tipped him off that I wasn’t in the mood to talk because he didn’t run after me. I had to get to work, but first I wanted to call and check on Sam.

  The entire first week didn’t go very well. The only good news was Dameon had taken the hint and left me alone. However, after falling asleep again in the library during lunch, I realized I was going to have to stop going in there. I forced myself to face the lunch crowd. It really hadn’t been as bad as I thought. Amanda saved me a seat by her, and I liked her friends. Dylan McCovey wanted to reminisce about his July 4th party a little too much, but other than that, it was fine. Most days, I just sat at the table and listened to them talk. Every once in a while, someone would ask me a question or attempt to get me to join the conversation, but my social inadequacies, mixed with my being exhausted, didn’t make for a good conversationalist.

  On Friday, Dylan had finally worked up the nerve to ask me about “Don’t Cry,” and I was proud of the way I handled it. I managed to talk clearly through the lump in my throat. My breathing didn’t get too constricted. In all outward appearances, I seemed normal and unfazed. I successfully replied, “I don’t know who it is about. He never sang it for me,” without choking up once. Monday, I had made it through my first period without falling asleep, which happened to be a miracle because Sam still couldn’t manage to get his days and nights adjusted, not even a little bit. I had even called Ms. Mary and asked her what I should do, and she said we needed to keep him awake more during the day. The problem with that when was Jessica wanted him sleeping so she didn’t have to deal with him. I hated to admit it to myself, but my mother was not being a very good mom to Sam. She ignored him mostly, and she still cried frequently. I couldn’t explain all that to Ms. Mary because it made Jessica sound bad, and I couldn’t bring myself to tear her down in anyone’s eyes. She just seemed so fragile.

  Anyway, I was still managing to stay awake at school, and after fighting my heavy eyelids during a very boring lecture, I headed straight to the bathroom so I could splash cold water on my face to wake up. I had to fight this sleepiness. I wasn’t going to get the grades for a scholarship if I didn’t stay awake in my classes. I stepped around a group of girls to get through the congested hallway, and one of them pointed at me. I was use to this and I ignored it and kept my eyes on the bathroom.

  However, one turned around. “Sadie White?”

  I stopped and considered lying about my name, saying no, I was in fact Ivana, an exchange student who didn’t speak good English. But instead, I turned around to see the short redhead whom I’d met at the July 4th party. I immediately realized that unfriendly gleam in her eye.

  “Hi, I’m Mary Ann Moore. We met at Dylan’s house this summer, but I doubt you remember me, after everyone you met that night.” She paused, as if I was supposed to say something, but I continued to stare at her, awaiting what she wanted with me. “Yes, well, um, I have the new edition of Teen Follower, and there is a picture of Jax Stone with his new girlfriend, Alana Harvey. She is going to be in his new music video...you know the one called ‘Don’t Cry.’”

  I understood what this girl wanted now, and I didn’t know what I had done to her to make her hate me so much. My throat was dry and began closing up. So I decided against responding. She smiled as if pleased with my reaction and handed me the magazine.

  “Rock stars are such fickle creatures. One never knows who they’ll want next. You take the magazine, I don’t need it,” and with that she snapped her fingers and the group surrounding her followed after her like a school of fish.

  I tried swallowing, but it was no use. I couldn’t manage it. The pain returned again, and I didn’t have the strength to stop it. I turned to run, and Amanda was there blocking my path.

  “She is just being mean to you because of Dameon. Now, come with me, and we will get you all pulled back together in the bathroom.”

  I followed obediently behind her. “What does Dameon have to do with this?” I asked holding out the magazine she had placed in my hands.

  Amanda pulled me into the bathroom, and then took the magazine from me. “Dameon and Mary Ann dated this summer. When she found out he was interested in you, then you became her enemy. Even though she knows you blew him off. I think that makes her dislike you more.”

  I frowned. “Why?”

  Amanda wet a paper towel. “Because you are blowing off what she wants so badly. See, the thing is, Dameon dated her this summer and, well, after a few weeks, he dumped her flat. She wants him back, since dating Dameon would make her the most popular girl at the school.”

  I sighed and closed my eyes. “High school is so stupid,” I muttered.

  Amanda moved my hand away and wiped my face with a cold wet paper towel. “You need to get a grip on yourself. If everyone thinks they can get to you by showing you pictures of Jax with other girls, you’re going to get hammered by them.”

  I walked over to the discarded magazine and picked it up against my will. There on the page in front of me was Jax at the Teen Choice Awards and on his arm was a gorgeous blond with cur
ly hair. I inhaled deeply and sank down against the wall.

  “Dang it, Sadie, what are you looking at it for?” Amanda went to take it from me, but I shook my head and held onto it firmly.

  “No, let me read it.” I knew the stuff they write in these things wasn’t true, but I somehow wanted to hurt myself further.

  “No!” Amanda said firmly and jerked it out of my hands.

  I let it go.

  She flipped it over. “Sheesh, at least your curls are natural,” she said before throwing the magazine in the garbage.

  I closed my eyes against the pain and sat on the floor. The dark blanket seemed to be coming for me, and I knew I was going to have to fight harder to keep it from getting me. There was peace in the blankness, but then I wouldn’t be able to take care of Sam if I went into it, and Sam needed me. I shook my head and stood up quickly before it reached me. I focused on my reflection in the mirror and calmed my features until the haunted look left my eyes. Amanda came up behind me and took my arm.

  “It was just a publicity picture,” she said quietly.

  I nodded because she had been right. The picture of him with the girl hadn’t been as hard as seeing him so happy in it. I wanted to be happy too. He could be happy. Why couldn’t I? Because I’d been the one to love too much. It would just take me longer than him to smile so brightly. I needed to work on it. Thinking about those around me who did love me needed to be the first place I started. And then there was Sam, who needed me. I had to learn to be strong. Once I had believed I was very strong. Now, I had to find that me again.

  * * *

  Chapter Nineteen

  September would be over in a week, and I knew that running on empty fumes would soon catch up with me. My grades suffered because staying awake throughout class had become impossible. Sam still kept me up all night. With what Ms. Mary said was probably colic and that other than him taking gas medicine, I just had to help him through it. Jessica continued to get more and more withdrawn to the point I called her from school to check on Sam and make sure she remembered to feed him. Several evenings when I came home, he had gone without a diaper change so long a rash had developed. Each time I cleaned him up and applied the cream I’d found at the pharmacy. I attempted to explain to Jessica this was not good for him but she didn’t seem to hear me. Sam needed her. I couldn’t seem to get her to wake up and face the fact she had a baby now.