Ant Farm

by Simon Rich

  —What is it? What’s the plan?

  —An eighth tunnel. Through the sand.

  —I don’t know, sir … we’ve been digging tunnels ever since we got here. We always end up hitting glass. We lost ten men on the last tunnel: Brian, Jack, Lawrence—

  —I know their names.

  —Why don’t we just give up? I mean seriously, what’s the point?

  —The point? The point is we have no food or water. The point is we’re trapped in this crazy desert, and if we don’t find an exit soon we’re going to suffocate.

  —What kind of God would put us here, just to torture us? Sand to the left … sand to the right …

  —It’s a test, William. He’s testing us.

  —You’re right. We can do this. We just have to work ten times harder than we’ve ever worked before! (Starts digging.)

  —You want to know something? I’ve got a good feeling about this one. A really good feeling.

  IV

  love coupons

  —Brian? What are you doing here?

  —I came to redeem some coupons.

  —(reading) “Good for one back rub” … “Good for one home-cooked meal” … Brian, I gave these to you while we were still dating.

  —There’s no expiration date on the coupons.

  —Brian, it’s been four years. I’m married now.

  —One home-cooked meal, please. Then sex. Here… here’s the sex one. One of the sex ones.

  —Brian, I’m sorry. It’s over between us.

  —Coupons are coupons.

  —Wow, Brian … you’ve really gained a lot of weight. Is everything okay?

  —I’ve got three sex coupons. I’d like to use them all today, then the meal, then the shower. Tomorrow, I’ll come back with the rest of the coupons. They’re all sex.

  —Jesus, what happened to your nails? I can’t believe I didn’t notice them when I first opened the door. They’re so long.

  —I would like to use a sex one now please.

  Stadium proposal

  Last night at Cowboys Stadium, Graham Baxter proposed to his girlfriend, Jennifer, in front of forty-one thousand screaming fans.

  “Look up,” he said. “There’s something I want you to see.”

  There it was, in ten-foot neon lights:

  JENNIFER, WILL YOU MARRY ME?

  “Of course!” she squealed. “Of course I will, darling!”

  There were two other Jennifers at the game.

  SECTION 26, ROW 19

  JENNIFER: Of course I will, Michael! Of course!

  MICHAEL: Huh? Where are you pointing? … Oh, no! Oh, God!

  JENNIFER: I have three children who you’ve never met and two of them have bad problems.

  SECTION 45, ROW 11

  JENNIFER: Danny, we’ve had some rough patches … but … yes! My answer is yes!

  DANNY: What do you mean? Oh—oh, no! (crying) Who did this!?

  JENNIFER: God. My magical Druid God.

  DANNY: …

  JENNIFER: The ceremony has to be Druid.

  sultan of brunei

  The Sultan of Brunei is the richest oil magnate in the world. Servants, yachts, castles—he’s got everything! Everything except true love.

  GIRLFRIEND: What’s wrong, honey?

  SULTAN: Well … it’s just… sometimes I think you’re only going out with me because of my money.

  GIRLFRIEND: Oh, darling! How could you say something like that?

  SULTAN: What do you mean? I can say whatever I want. I’m the Sultan of Brunei.

  GIRLFRIEND: You’re right, I’m sorry.

  SULTAN: Get back into your fortress of rubies.

  SULTAN: Honey, if I ask you a question, will you promise to tell me the truth?

  CONCUBINE: Of course!

  SULTAN: Would you still love me if I were poor? Keep in mind that if you say no, one of my warriors will murder you.

  CONCUBINE: Yes, I would love you no matter what!

  SULTAN: Okay, good. Now … do you want to see a movie or go bowling? Keep in mind that if you say bowling, one of my warriors will murder you.

  CONCUBINE: Let’s see a movie.

  SULTAN: I am the Sultan of Brunei!

  SULTAN: I’m sorry I missed our anniversary, honey. Things were crazy at the office. I was counting gold bars and—

  WIFE: You didn’t even get me a present!

  SULTAN: Yes I did! I got you … this …drum of crude oil.

  WIFE: That’s not going to work this time.

  SULTAN: You’re so unforgiving! What happened to the woman I married?

  WIFE: Which one? You have two hundred wives.

  SULTAN: The one with the ribbons.

  WIFE: She’s downstairs, I think.

  SULTAN: Oh. What about Sheila?

  WIFE: I’m Sheila.

  SULTAN: Oh.

  (Pause.)

  SULTAN: Bear me a child of solid gold.

  endangered species

  Last year, the San Francisco Zoo attempted to mate their endangered striped panda with three females from other zoos in an effort to perpetuate the species. But their venture failed, and ultimately the striped panda became extinct.

  —SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE

  ATTEMPT 1

  Hi, nice to meet you! Welcome to San Francisco! God, these blind dates are pretty awkward! It’s really nice of the zookeepers to set us up like this, though, huh? I guess they’re probably hoping that we’ll mate! (Pause.) I’m sorry. That was really out of bounds. Wow, I can’t believe I said something so thoughtless. You must think I’m a total idiot. Jesus, and now I’m making it even worse. And that—that last thing I said—made it even worse! God, this is so humiliating.

  ATTEMPT 2

  … I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t take himself too seriously. A lot of other animals around here like to strut around and growl, but I don’t buy into any of that. That’s not to say I can’t growl loudly. I can.

  So this is my rock. I like to do my exercises here. I don’t work out too much, I’m not obsessive or anything. I climb the rock about fifty or sixty times a day. I mean, sure, for some guys that would be a lot. But for me it isn’t. Climbing the rock is pretty easy for me.

  See those bleachers? During the daytime, they’re full of kids. The zookeeper gives me a treat every time I do my trick, but you want to know something? I would do the trick for free, just to see the smiles on those kids’ faces. That’s just the kind of guy I am.

  Do you want to see my trick? No? Okay, that’s cool. Are you sure? Okay.

  Say, that’s a nice ankle tag you got on! It really looks good … on your ankle. God, I always do this. I do this every time.

  ATTEMPT 3

  … Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I think female striped pandas deserve the same amount of respect as male striped pandas. I mean sure, males can growl louder and climb the rock more times, but it’s what’s deep down that counts. I guess you could say that’s kind of my philosophy on life.

  Look at me, talking your head off! You must be hungry. Hold on, I’ll get the zookeeper’s attention. (Growls.) Okay … I guess he didn’t hear me. We might have to wait a while.

  So, your tag says you’re from Siberia? That’s pretty cool! Do you have a lot of brothers and sisters there? Oh, right … of course you don’t. I’m sorry.

  mating throughout history

  STONE AGE

  SCRAWNY GUY: Hi! I was wondering … do you want to mate with me?

  WOMAN: I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts. I’m sorry.

  SCRAWNY GUY: It’s cool … That’s actually pretty reasonable. See you around.

  WOMAN: See ya.

  PRESENT DAY

  SCRAWNY GUY: Hi! I was wondering … can I buy you a drink after work?

  WOMAN: I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. Yo
u know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts. I’m sorry.

  SCRAWNY GUY: What? That doesn’t make any sense. We live in a city, thousands of miles away from the nearest forest.

  WOMAN: I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you.

  THE FUTURE

  SCRAWNY GUY: Hi! I was wondering … do you want to drink some purified water with me after this asteroid barrage stops?

  WOMAN: I don’t think so. You’re not really my type. I’m looking for a guy with really big muscles. You know, the kind of guy who can build me a fort and protect my children from forest beasts.

  SCRAWNY GUY: What forest beasts? We’re the last remaining species on the planet!

  WOMAN: I’m sorry. I’m just not attracted to you.

  SCRAWNY GUY: Listen, I have a unique genetic mutation that allows me to breathe radon gas like it was air! I’m the only person on earth who can survive the nuclear winter. If you don’t mate with me, all human life will die out!

  THE LAST MUSCULAR GUY ON EARTH: (coughing from the radon gas) Hey, baby. Nice ass.

  WOMAN: (Giggles.)

  SCRAWNY GUY: What’s happening? This is completely insane.

  THE LAST MUSCULAR GUY ON EARTH: (sweating) Let’s go to my fort, babe. (Cough.) I built it out of rocks, using my muscle arms.

  WOMAN: Whatever you say, lover.

  ————

  when the

  “guess your weight” guy

  from the carnival got married

  —Darling, can I ask you a question?

  —Sure.

  —Do you think I gained any weight over the holidays?

  —I don’t know. I can’t tell.

  —We’ve been over this. I know you can tell.

  —You look as beautiful as ever!

  —I was 119 pounds in October. How much do you think I weigh now?

  —Why are you doing this to me?

  —Tell me the truth.

  —Okay! All right! You gained 11 pounds, give or take 3 pounds! Is that what you wanted to hear? Jesus Christ!

  —I knew it. You think I’m fat. That’s why you’ve been flirting with that Debbie girl from work. Even though she’s half your age.

  —I wasn’t flirting with her! And she’s not half my age. You can tell just by looking at her that she’s 27, give or take 3 years.

  —(Sobbing.)

  —Hey, come on! Why are we fighting? I love you. When I’m out there on the midway every night, guessing people’s weights and ages, I’m doing it for you! I’m doing it for our kids!

  —I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to start a fight. (Kisses him.) Little Tommy sure is growing up, isn’t he?

  —4 foot 4, give or take 3 inches.

  —And Suzy! I can’t believe how adult she’s getting.

  —14 to 17 years old.

  —Wait. You don’t know how old our daughter is?

  —Jesus Christ, I’m not a computer! (Sighs.) Look …I’m sorry, okay? Here. I got you a giant stuffed animal.

  —That’s not going to work this time.

  ————————————

  my roommate is really

  hard to get along with

  ROOMMATE: What happened to my chips?

  ME: Oh, I ate some while you were in the bathroom. I’m sorry, I should have asked first.

  ROOMMATE: You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be used against you in a court of law.

  ME: Not this again …

  ROOMMATE: I’m making a citizen’s arrest.

  ME: Come on!

  ROOMMATE: (dialing) Police? Yeah, it’s me. I got a live one for you, 119 Elmer Street.

  ME: You can’t keep doing this! This is the fourth time this week!

  ROOMMATE: (hanging up) The cops are on their way. In the meantime, I’m going to have to ask you to wait in the citizen’s jail.

  ME: You mean the kitchenette?

  ROOMMATE: Yes.

  (Policeman enters.)

  POLICEMAN: I understand there’s been a crime?

  ROOMMATE: That’s right. I placed this man under arrest. He’s a thief.

  POLICEMAN: Do you want me to take him to the courthouse, or just rough him up a little?

  ROOMMATE: Rough him up.

  homework

  —Hey man, can you help me out with my math homework?

  —Sure.

  —Great, thanks. On problem 7, am I supposed to take the sine or the cosine of this angle?

  —Let me think … Stab and Obliterate the Hebrews, Crucify All the Hebrews, Triumph Over All … I guess it’s the cosine.

  —Wait—what did you just say?

  —Cosine.

  —No, before that. About the Hebrews?

  —Oh, that’s just a mnemonic device I came up with. “Stab” stands for “sine,” “Obliterate” stands for “opposite leg of,” “Hebrews” stands for “hypotenuse.”

  —Oh. Well, couldn’t you have picked a device that’s… less hateful? I mean, as a Jew I’m pretty offended by what you just said.

  —Really? Those words are totally random. I just picked them because they started with the right letters.

  —Yeah, I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, I overreacted.

  —It’s okay. Let’s try another problem.

  —Cool. So, in problem 9, do you know which operation we’re supposed to do first? Is it exponents or division?

  —Let me think … Permanently Eliminate Many Jews, Destroy All Synagogues …You do exponents first.

  —What the hell was that?

  —Oh, that was just another mnemonic: Parentheses, Exponents, Multiplication, Division, Addition, Subtraction.

  —But that one doesn’t even work! The word “Jew” doesn’t stand in for anything!

  —Yeah, you’re right. I guess it’s sort of like a placeholder?

  —Well, it’s really offensive.

  —I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe “Jew” could stand in for “’jacent?” You know, like, short for “adjacent”?

  —But then it doesn’t make sense mathematically.

  —I’m not changing the mnemonic.

  when small talk goes wrong

  —Did you see who won the game?

  —I was at the game. A ball hit my son in the face. He’s in critical condition at Mt. Sinai Hospital. The doctors say he might not make it. So, in answer to your question: No. I have no idea who won the game.

  —Hey, you look familiar. Have we met?

  —Oh my God, I’ve gained so much weight that you didn’t even recognize me. This is the single most humiliating experience of my life. We dated for seven years.

  —Do you have the time?

  —Shh! It’s 4:26 P.M.!

  —Huh?

  —(whispering) April twenty-sixth, 4:26 P.M., is an official minute of silence. Congress created it to honor the 426 men who died in the Great Boise Fire. My father was among those men.

  —Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I’ll stop talking.

  —It doesn’t matter. The minute has already passed.

  —What are you drinking?

  —It’s a cocktail of seven medications. If I don’t drink one of these every thirty seconds, my eyeballs rupture. Oh no … How long have we been talking?

  —Do you come here often?

  —Yes. My brother was murdered at this bar in 1983. I come every year on the anniversary of his death to say a prayer. I miss him so much. I know he’s gone, but part of me still can’t let go. He was stabbed to death in the neck.

  —Are you on the bride’s side or the groom’s?

  —Well, the groom is my brother, and the bride is my wife … I’m sorry, I mean ex-wife. God, that’s going to take some getting used to. I still love her, you know. Even after what she did. (Drinks an entire glass of champagne.) You want to know something? This is the worst day of my life.

  V

  jesus

  JESUS: Love each other, for love conquers all.

  THOMAS
: Praise the Lord!

  JESUS: If someone attacks you, turn the other cheek.

  THOMAS: Praise the Lord!

  JESUS: Eat my body and my blood.

  THOMAS: Praise the—Wait. What was that last thing?

  JESUS: Eat my body and my blood.

  THOMAS: You mean … symbolically?

  JESUS: No.

  THOMAS: Oh.

  JESUS: Honor thy father and thy mother.

  THOMAS: Wait, hold on. Can we talk about that other thing for a second?

  JESUS: What other thing? Turning the other cheek?

  THOMAS: No, the thing you said after. About eating your body … and … your blood.

  JESUS: What’s there to talk about?

  karma

  When I told my friends I was converting to Hinduism, they said I was rushing into things. They’re just jealous because I’m racking up karma points left and right. Check out today’s tally:

  9:00 A.M. Brushed teeth. +2

  9:25 A.M. Helped an old woman cross the street. +50

  9:30 A.M. Rubbed old woman’s belly in order to absorb some of her karma. +20

  10:00 A.M. Bet my buddy Greg 50 karmas that I could beat him in a vodka-chugging race. +50

  10:04 A.M. Made awesome “Karma and Greg” joke. +200

  1:00 P.M. Went to homeless shelter. +100