Unfortunately, Logan’s talking puts me to sleep. One second, I’m waiting for them to review the call, taking what seems like an awful long time, and the next, I hear Ian’s voice.
“What are you doing here?” It’s quiet and curious.
“Came to check on Savannah, and Syd wanted my company. She fell asleep on me, though.”
“Did she say anything about today?” Again, he’s curious, but hesitant as well now.
“Just that she couldn’t get up with you. She cried. Tried to blame it on seeing Savannah hurt, but I don’t know if that’s the only reason.” Logan is helping Ian by telling him this? What the hell? Shouldn’t his loyalty be with me? “She didn’t want to talk about it.”
Ian sighs. “Bet you five bucks she’s not going to be happy to see me.”
Logan’s chest moves as he chuckles. “Not making a bet I know I’ll lose.”
A moment later, a hand touches my shoulder. “Babe, wake up.”
Reluctantly, I “wake up” and sit up. Logan is quick to tell me bye and leave. Ian takes his place on the couch while I avoid looking at him.
“So, you watched the game?” Ian asks.
“Savannah wanted to,” I answer with half the truth. I continued watching it when she stopped.
“Babe,” Ian whispers. “I feel like you’re a million miles away from me.” I don’t say anything because that’s the way it feels for me, too. “Don’t give me the silent treatment now, Sydney. Talk to me.”
What am I supposed to say? Where do I start? “We needed you, Ian. I needed you, and you weren’t there!” The words begin to flow without any problem at all as I stand to get away from him. “That’s my baby, she was hurt, and the one person we could’ve used for support was nowhere to be found! She’s never been hurt like that before. All you had to do was have your fucking phone with you! Even Logan and Carey keep theirs close in case something happens to Savannah.
“How can I trust that you’ll be there if you can’t even do this? I was calling for over an hour, Ian. Noah and Marc couldn’t find you either! I didn’t know if something happened to you!” I take a deep breath. “I can’t do this. I can’t deal with being this upset with you.” I start walking to our bedroom, and of course, Ian follows.
“It won’t ever happen again,” he tries.
“It shouldn’t have happened in the first place. But what if you were in a game or practice where you wouldn’t have your phone, how do I get in touch with you? Why don’t I know this already, Ian?” I snatch a pair of pajamas from the dresser.
“I hadn’t thought about it and you haven’t asked. You can’t be so pissed at me for not doing that when you should’ve asked. You’ve been doing this longer than I have.”
I whirl around. “Don’t even bring that into this,” I warn him, my voice low. “What happened to not bringing up what happened in the past in future arguments since you forgave me?”
Ian throws his hands up. “That’s not what I’m doing! I’m just trying to point out that I’m still learning. Shit isn’t always going to occur to me. It was one time, Sydney. It’s not going to happen again.”
“You don’t get it.” I shake my head, turn, and start changing.
“Then make me get it.” He’s closer now. Standing right behind me, and I wish he wasn’t.
Tears well up in my eyes. “The emotions running through me right now are the same as when you told me you didn’t love me,” I whisper, fully changed now. Ian grabs my shoulders and turns me to face him. “I feel like you’ve crashed on my hopes for us and for you, leaving me disappointed. Back then, I needed you and you walked away. I went back to the hotel and you had already left. Now, I needed you and you weren’t available.
“You keep saying it’s not going to happen again, but how can I trust you? How can I know that I can rely on you? You’ve forgotten us once before and now, you don’t have your phone with you when something happens with Savannah. I just don’t know, Ian.”
He slides his hands onto my neck, his thumbs going to my jaw. His eyes are worried and his touch is gentle. “Babe. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I keep finding a way to fuck up, but I swear on my life, this is worth it. You are not allowed to give up on us.”
“I’m not—”
“It sure as fuck sounds like it,” he cuts off my interruption. “You were freaked out, I know. I could tell, and it’s eating me alive—”
“Then why do you keep doing this to me? You make some kind of innocent mistake, feel bad, and then make another one. It has to stop. I’m tired of you letting me down.”
His hands fall and he takes a step away from me. “You’re fucking kidding me, right?”
I’m so confused at the change in tone and attitude. Ian’s suddenly pissed. What have I done? I hate him being mad at me. What did I say? Why is he mad now?
“I had to chase you for two years to warm you up to the idea of a relationship with me. I had to beg you for a second chance. I still had to convince you, even after I found out that you kept Savannah from me after you realized my dad never told me like he said he did. I’ve been doing my best to convince you that we’ll work because we can, and you’re going to basically be the judge and jury and convict me like you’re doing? I’m letting you down? Fuck you, Sydney.” With that, he turns and walks out of the bedroom, leaving me stunned, and even more so when I hear the door to the apartment open and close.
I didn’t get much sleep last night. Ian didn’t come back home. Am I overreacting and being too harsh? Is that any excuse not to come home? God, even now I’m finding reasons to be pissed at him. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I forgive, forget, and move on? There’s no time to think about it today.
“What do you want for breakfast?” I ask Savannah just as the door opens.
“Daddy!” She runs over to hug him.
“Hey, little Miss. I brought breakfast. Want me to take you to daycare today? I have to leave for a trip, so I won’t be home tonight.”
“Yes!”
He comes into the kitchen and dumps the bag of biscuits onto the table. After checking them, he hands one to Savannah, sits, and takes his. There’s one left, but he hasn’t acknowledged me at all. Savannah glances over at me, so I fix us all something to drink and take my place at the table. If it wasn’t for Savannah, there would be an awkward silence between us. He’s still pissed and I’m upset and confused.
Breakfast takes forever to end. I hate when it does, though. Ian asks Savannah if she’s ready to go, which she is, so she tells me bye and then they’re gone. He never says a word to me. God, why is it so easy to be pissed at him, but I can never handle it when he’s mad at me? Even if I deserve it, it nearly breaks me to have him angry with me.
By us not talking today, we’re not going to have this resolved before he leaves for his trip either. That doesn’t sound like a good idea, but there’s not much I can do about it. I have things to do today for school. He has practice and then they are flying out soon after that.
During the day, when I get a break, I call my mom and explain everything that happened. That turns out to be a mistake because of the first thing she says to me.
“He said that to you? He said, ‘Fuck you, Sydney’?”
“Mom, that is so not the point.”
“You don’t think it’s important that he talks so harshly to you?”
“No. He was angry, and that’s just how it goes sometimes. I’ve called him an asshole and a bastard before. He can tell me to fuck off when he’s pissed. It doesn’t bother me.”
Mom is quiet for a second. “That is a huge problem.”
I sigh. “Mom, can we try to focus here? Did I overreact? Does he have a reason to be pissed? Do I not have a reason to be pissed?” I swear, if she goes back to his fuck you comment, I’m hanging up on her.
“I think you’re both right and wrong. He should’ve had his phone, but he has a point that he hasn’t been doing this long enough where it’s second nature for him to keep it close in the c
ase of an emergency. He should get recognition for coming as soon as he found out and helping calm her down.”
“So, you’re saying this is all my fault?” I interrupt.
“I’m saying you could’ve been upset, but you didn’t have to blow up at him. To me, it sounded like you were ready to break up with him over it.”
“That’s not true.”
“I’m just telling you what it sounded like, Sydney.”
Well, that’s just great. “Thanks for talking to me. I have to go now.”
“Okay. Keep me posted.”
“I will.” Next time, I won’t be so detailed either.
The rest of the day passes like any other. It’s just Savannah and me tonight and the next day. Ian doesn’t call at all, which I don’t call him either. Well, Savannah calls him, and he answers, but he doesn’t talk to me. We have dinner, play, color, watch TV, and then she’s going to bed. It’s been torture. I don’t care about what happened anymore. I just want to fix things between us.
If I didn’t already know it, this latest argument between us has sealed the fact that we cannot ever end. I’m too invested in Ian. I miss him too much when he’s not here, even more when he’s mad and we’re not talking. He’s the only person I’ve ever truly wanted to be with. We can’t end. We can have all the arguments we want, but we have to resolve them and move on. It’s really bothering me that we’ve gone this long without talking and fixing things. I’m also bothered that he didn’t stay the night here the night everything blew up. He should’ve come home.
Tossing and turning in bed, I sigh loudly. I’ve been having trouble sleeping and tonight is no different. I grab my e-reader and pick a book to read. It’s been forever since I’ve made time to read. This seems like the perfect distraction.
Only I can’t get comfortable. Not in bed, in the recliner, on the couch, on the floor, at the table. I spend at least an hour in each spot with no true success. Eventually, I make my way to sit on the kitchen counter, leaning against the fridge. This is where I am when I hear the lock turning in the door. I tense, click off the e-reader, and sit up straight, quietly reaching into the drawer below me for a knife.
The person is making sure to be quiet and is carrying a bag. Why did I turn off all the lights? I’m such an idiot! Now, I can’t see whoever it is!
A light flicks on.
I drop the knife in surprise, causing who I can now tell is Ian to turn around.
“Shit, babe, you scared the hell out of me.” He comes around to pick up the knife with a raised eyebrow. “What were you planning to do with this?” He drops it in the sink.
“I was going to stab you if you were an intruder. I didn’t know you were coming home tonight.” Or if he was, that he’d come here instead of somewhere else since he didn’t stay here that last night. I wonder where he did stay.
“What are you doing up?”
“Couldn’t sleep.” I hold up my e-reader. I’ve already read one book, and I’ve started a second. “Where did you go?” I blurt out.
“What?” he asks with confusion.
“After our argument. You left and spent the night somewhere else. Where did you go?”
His lips flatten and his eyes narrow. It’s as if he’d forgotten about the entire thing and I just brought it back to the forefront of his mind. “Z’s,” he answers, moving away from me to lean against a different counter. One that is as far away from me as he can get and still be in the kitchen. He folds his arms over his chest, which only shows off his arms.
The silence is tense. It’s suffocating every second he avoids looking at me, studiously admiring his shoes, and every moment that passes with such heavy tension in the air. This is somehow worse than Savannah getting hurt and me not being able to get up with him.
“I don’t like when you’re mad at me,” I whisper.
He scoffs and briefly flicks his gaze up at me. “Yeah, well, I don’t like when you’re pissed at me, but it happens all the fucking time and I wait for you to get over it.” He grabs the end of his beard and tugs on it for just a second. “You are so much harder on me than I am on you, Sydney. You do realize that after finding out about Savannah, there wouldn’t be an us right now if I knew how to be without you. That’s not a better life for me, so I’m here. You can’t cut me some fucking slack whenever I make an honest mistake?” He shakes his head.
I open my mouth to speak, but he’s not done. His eyes are finally on me, but they’re hard and unforgiving. “Then, you’re going to tell me that I’m letting you down?” He laughs, but there’s no humor in it. “I did everything short of taking you on a date for two years. I was pretty quick about forgiving you for your own mistake, especially in comparison to you. I’ve been taking care of you and Savannah like I said I would. Because you asked me to, I talked to my dad again and forgave him.
“I’ve owned up to the mistakes I’ve made since then and I’ve tried my damnedest not to make them again. I’ve told you that whatever you needed me to change to tell me and I’d do it. I fucking asked you to marry me and told you that whatever you wanted in your future was yours because I’d make it happen. How in the ever-loving fuck am I still letting you down? Because it seems to me like the big picture stuff is there, and if you don’t see that, then I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing.”
Sydney immediately starts crying, folding her arms on top of her drawn-up knees and burying her face to hide. Fuck. Making her cry wasn’t my intention. Hell, I don’t know what my intention was, but that’s been sitting on my chest since I walked out of here the other night and it all just came out.
“I do see the big picture,” she insists, but I’m not sure I believe her. “I want us to work. I need us to work, Ian.” She harshly wipes away her tears and takes a big breath. “I’m just terrified that we won’t,” she whispers. “I know what it’s like for you to not be there when I loved you before, and I feel like I love you so much more now. Not to mention, Savannah loves you to death. I wouldn’t be able to handle it if—”
“Babe,” I interrupt with just that one word. Sydney hasn’t been looking at me and I need her full attention, so she can listen to me and actually hear what I’m saying.
She runs her fingers under her eyes and looks up at me. “What?” Her voice cracks and fuck, if it isn’t hard to keep myself from going to her.
“I’m not going anywhere. You can get as pissed as you want with me, blow things out of proportion all you want, and I’m not going anywhere. The only way this relationship is going to end is if you end it, and in case you’ve forgotten, we’ve done that. We were still together in some way. You’re stuck with me, babe, especially with Savannah involved. Besides, you already said you’d marry me. There’s no getting out of that shit.”
She laughs a little, turning on the counter so her legs dangle off the edge, her e-reader now sitting next to her. “You sound like you’re holding me hostage.”
“If that’s what it takes and if it makes you feel better.”
She nods, her lips trembling as more tears fall. I can’t take it anymore, so I finally eliminate the space between us and wrap my arms around her shoulders, her head tucked against my neck. “I’m sorry, Ian. I don’t know why I keep making bad things worse. It doesn’t make any sense. And why didn’t you come back home after our argument?” She lifts her head to look at me.
“I needed to cool off. I came back the next morning before Savannah realized I was gone,” I add as the need to defend myself rises. I also came back because I wanted to see Savannah since I knew I would be leaving for a game. I wanted to see Sydney too, even though I didn’t want to talk to her and make any eye contact.
Sydney frowns. “Come back sooner next time. I’d rather you be angry and in bed next to me then somewhere else.”
“Done,” I reply immediately.
She groans. “I’m such a bitch, aren’t I?”
“You’re a worrier is what you are. When you worry, you do have the tendency to be a little bitchy.”
A faint smile is on her lips. “Don’t be a jackass. You’re supposed to tell me that no, I’m not a bitch. I’m cute, sweet, and only occasionally a little moody.” At that, I snort. “You’re a dick.”
“I keep you honest is all.”
She nods because it’s true. I tell it to her straight, even if it’s not always in what others see as a nice way. Sydney doesn’t mind it because she’ll throw that shit right back at me. She runs the back of her fingers along my beard. “Are we good now? If you say no, then you’ll be responsible for a meltdown of epic proportions.”
I quirk an eyebrow. “We solve something?”
“Ian,” she whines. “Who cares? Let’s just put it behind us. You’ll do better. I’ll do better. That’s all we need to solve it, right?”
I want to say yes, but… “Do you trust me, gorgeous?”
She cocks her head to the side. “You’re kidding, right? I mean, I know I’ve got a side of crazy because I freak out a little,” when I raise my eyebrow at this, she slaps my arm, “when things go wrong, but I’m living with you with our daughter when I could’ve stayed with Logan and Carey, and I said I’d spend the rest of my life with you.” She palms one side of my face. “You’ve shown me that I can trust you, if nothing else,” she whispers.
“It doesn’t always seem like it.”
Sydney sighs and leans back. “Not when I’m angry or freaking out or both.”
“That’s when you need to trust me.”
“I’ll work on it. Please, can we close the door on this?” Her arms go around my neck once more. “I’ve missed you and my world needs to be right-side up again.”
With a brief nod from me, Sydney grins and kisses me hard. I grab her hips and pull her closer to me. Her legs wrap around me, which causes me to pull away long enough to say, “I have a present for you.”
“Please tell me it’s sex.” Her hands fall to the button of my pants and I laugh, pushing her hands away.
It's Our Time (Carolina Rebels Book 4) Page 20