Losing It

by Moira Burke

  Everything’s mostly quiet in Maths and you like the way the dust looks in the sun in the portables and you feel like you’re not really at school out here you’re not really anywhere and you like being nowhere. You like looking at the dust and the way the sun shines in people’s hair and you like equations the way everything fits together and means nothing and everything and a pattern comes out of nowhere and the shapes of everything look different in the quiet out here in the portables. You’re not supposed to be here because you got sprung out of uniform by the vice-principal and she told you to go home and don’t come back until you’re in uniform and you say I’ve got Maths and she says go home so you leave her office and run the long way around to the Maths Room, Room 9A. You undo the two top buttons of your shirt and make yourself breathy and you go in and lean on Wellsy’s desk and he says you’re late. You say Mr Wells I really like Maths, breathing your breathy breath, and he says yes and you say Mrs Ericson told me to go home because I’m out of uniform but I like Maths and isn’t it better that I stay and learn? and you look him in the eye because it’s true and it’s a hot day and his forehead’s sweaty and he says Josie, you should go home and you say please Mr Wells all innocent and you hope your eyeliner isn’t smudged. He looks at your face quickly and says if she comes around I don’t know anything and you say oh thanks Mr Wells! You go and sit next to Sharon who’s saved a seat for you and you call out if she does I’ll hide and Sharon calls out up my dress and Wellsy says right that’s enough and Sharon says just loud enough hard-on and he says get to work. You finish everything on the board and get up to walk out. Where are you going? Wellsy asks. Home you say and he says come here and you go god as you go to his desk. You show him your book, he looks at it, marks everything and says go on to the next chapter and you say what for? looking out the window. He shuts your book hard and you sit down again because you can’t be bothered now doing anything else and start the equations in the next chapter where all the numbers are letters but not really and you look at them and everything adds up just right. You put that there, multiply that over that, divide and everything’s equal smooth and difficult and easy and the patterns of the letters that are numbers stay in you and they make shapes with lots of edges. You glide on those shapes on those letters in your mind and it’s all golden and blue sunshiny bits of dust floating, answers come easy answers are just there and every time an answer happens you go oh! inside you and there’s more room to glide, glide on those shapes on those letters that are numbers and everything has a place. Josephine Cregan! Your head snaps up sharp. It’s Ericson. You’re sprung bad you’re going to get it fuck it you should have gone before so now you have to go up to the office again and she makes you wait for so long that you miss recess and then finally, you get to go.

  You’re not going to go home, you go to the city like always because there’s nowhere else and you walk around and hate everybody in their suits in their shoes. You go to Flinders Street downstairs to the pinnie place and squash your cigarette out on the carpet and look around but nobody saw. You go to a game that’s free and put your money in, you end up tilting the game you push it that hard the silver balls going, lights and bing-bong sounds rat-a-tat. There’s an old bloke a few games away who’s gradually gotten closer he’s been there ever since you came in you noticed him straight away noticing you, you act like he’s not there. Now your game’s over you’re just standing there smoking he’s a creep looking at you so you stare, looking right through him and he tries to smile a bit and you slag into the ashtray. You put more money into the slot to keep playing even though you don’t really feel like it but there’s a couple of spunks who’ve just walked in so you hang around a bit more but they don’t talk to you and anyway you’re going with Dave. You watch your cigarette smoke curl and like the way it’s blue when it comes off the cigarette and sort of brown when it comes out of your mouth and you blow smoke rings and wonder what happens to the smoke when it’s not there any more.

  Things look good in windows all lined up in colours in shapes, you like the shoes and wonder what you’d look like with different ones on and clothes to match, suede with heels, boots with lots of holes and high heels flat boots shiny patent leather shoes big buckles like your old Irish dancing hard-shoes, embroidered slippers special slip-ons with sequins silver runners, you see the fine hand-stitching and know that somebody somewhere has thought these shoes up drawn pictures somebody somewhere has killed a cow to make the leather, somebody has cut it out and someone else has sewn it up. In the jewellery shop windows the jewels are shining the gold is really gold not just plated, there’s jade there’s diamonds real rubies amethysts and emeralds, chains and necklaces and bracelets and brooches tie-pins and earrings, half the stuff you wouldn’t even wear it’s so ugly but you can’t stop looking. All the clothes shops are different, lots of them on every street, sometimes elegant, smooth, with only a jacket or a dress in the window or sometimes a whole outfit the way you’re supposed to wear it, one shop up the end of Collins Street is just a window with a curtain and a great big party frock sitting on a chair, one shop in Swanston Street has got so much stuff that you don’t know where to look first, shirts and tops and skirts pants scarves, hats and dresses all bundled together hanging over one another. Handbag shops are pretty stupid but the windows look good, soft bags hard bags little ones and big, wallets suitcases evening bags purses pouches sling bags string bags shoulder bags all arranged in colours. You go to Pipe Records in the little arcade tucked into the corner like a secret, all the record covers taking you to places that you never could have imagined and you wonder if the records would sound the same as the covers look.

  Up the other end of the city far away from Bourke Street Swanston Street trams and shops and cars and pedestrians, there’s some empty buildings with dirty windows and pissy doorways, that’s where you’d like to live, upstairs looking out staircases and strange big walls you’d have a studio you’d paint all day and sleep there at night, sounds of the city coming up from below, whooshes and footsteps and sirens and engines and fragments of voices and thumps and clanks and squeals making you wonder where they came from, the quiet layerings of sound upon sound through all the hours of the night feeding your dreams. You could be a sculptor instead making statues out of clay, all the faces of all the people in the city you see, rows and rows of ugly faces old faces little faces bulbous noses cheekbones skinny lips and fat ones, slanting eyes squinting eyes round eyes blue brown and black eyes, catch the clenching of a fist, the air in chest, the way a leg in jeans unfolds, hands holding hands or books or bags, hips and knees moving in rhythms particular and only, you’d make everything you see, all in rows all on display all for everybody else.

  *

  You get the two-thirty train home from the city to make it home at the right time so you don’t look suspicious or anything. You walk down the hill it’s been raining warm rain, the road’s bumpy and shiny. You hope your dad’s not home you’re hoping hoping fingers crossed. Your house is the only house in the street with no driveway and no fence and when you get to a certain point you can see far enough into the garden to see whether or not his van is there. It is and you feel that thing in your stomach that makes you wish you weren’t there and you turn and go back up the street and sort of hang around on the corner for a while waiting for one of your sisters so you won’t be the only one home with him.

  Your sister Helen’s going up to Con’s place she’s going with him now, you’re going to Dave’s she says walk with me, you go okay. She goes come on and you tell her to hang on you’re doing up your straps and by the time they’re done she’s halfway up the street you have to run to catch her. The two of you start walking in step then hopping—one two three hop! one two three hop!—Helen’s grouse like that she makes everything fun. She starts doing impressions of your dad his deep voice growling thick calling you biddy telling you to make a toasted cheese sandwich for him on the double and don’t you talk to your mother like that miss. You start impe
rsonating your mum, just the sound of her voice, no words, going high and low and laughing then arguing, Helen keeps doing your dad you keep doing your mum all the clouds around you filling up the sky green and purple with pink edges, Helen’s hair is long and curly, her T-shirt bright and stripey. Then you say so Con hey? and she goes yeah and you say do you have sex with him? She laughs and says what do you think? You go do you like it? she laughs again and says what do you think? and you smile and look at the cracks in the footpath passing. Then she says what about you? you go what? and she says are you, you know, a virgin? and you laugh and go what do you think? She says you’re too young so you say how old were you? and she doesn’t say anything she just pushes you. Then she says can you keep a secret? Yes you say, the cracks moving slow underfoot. She says I think I’m pregnant. You’re really close to Helen you see your two pairs of feet walking together the woven suede of your treads make patterns like feathers close up, yours are green and blue hers are the colour of the sunset. You think about how after a root you always think you’re pregnant and you never know for sure until you get your next period, and what it must feel like to not get your period, it’s not just late, it really isn’t coming. You think about how Helen would look her stomach all fat maybe you would get her clothes that didn’t fit her any more and you could hold her little baby and take it for walks and you say to Helen grouse! I’m going to be an aunty! and she goes Josie but she’s laughing and you say are you going to tell mum? and she says I’ve only told you and you go but it’s so exciting and she says you dag and you go what are you going to do? She says I don’t know I don’t even know for absolute sure yet but Con will help me. She’s looking straight ahead. You say I’d really like to be an aunty you know, jumping in front of her bouncing skipping backwards she goes to get you and says well, you’re not going to be, have your own babies and you go half-singing preg-gers preg-gers and turn around and start running because Helen’s started to chase you.

  You’re walking home from school one afternoon it’s hot the roads are soft you’ve got gravel stuck to your soles. Dave’s waiting for you at the shops you haven’t seen him for three days. He’s got scabs on his face all his perm’s gone you don’t recognise him at first he doesn’t look like a spunk and his eyebrows aren’t there. You can’t kiss because of his lips you say what happened? and he says we burnt a car down the creek and I was too close. You laugh and say I hope your hair grows back soon otherwise you’re dropped, nah, didn’t mean it but you don’t mention his eyebrows. Him and Raci and Moose get sprung a week later but the others don’t and Dave has to go to court with twenty-seven charges including grand theft auto.

  He gets bail and on his last weekend before sentencing you want to have a special night together so he books a room at the Meadow Inn Hotel Motel. You tell your mum that you’re going to stay at Sharon’s place that night because you’re going to the football tomorrow and you have to get up early to get a good seat. When you get to the top of the street and around the corner you go to Debbie’s place so she can help you get ready. You’ve got on your new Westco stretch size 8s that you had to do up with a coathanger but it’s okay because you’ll lose weight soon. You spend ages getting ready because you’re so nervous even though you don’t know why but he’s going to prison and you’re really going to miss him you say to Debbie. She says he really likes you, you know and you say do you think so? and she says yeah and puts your eyeliner on for you and helps you do your hair. Finally you’re all ready with your new double-breasted purple shirt on and Debbie says have a great time I hope it’s really special, you look great and you go thanks Debbie and you really mean it and you walk up to the Meadow Inn hoping you’re not going to see your dad, that’s where he drinks but it’s a big place and he only goes to the front bar. Dave’s at a table in the Bronco Lounge and when he kisses you your stomach goes a bit funny and you go a bit shy. He tells you that you look great even though your hair’s probably all messed up now from the wind and your foundation’s a bit shiny from walking but you give him a smile and tell him he looks really nice too. His hair’s grown back it’s not as long as it was but it still looks all right and he’s got on his new jeans as well. You order whiting and salad and he gets the pepper steak well-done and beer and you have a screwdriver then another one you really like screwdrivers and you don’t feel that shy any more so you have a pash. After dinner you go straight to your room that he booked, room number 10. Dave has a quick shower then he gets into bed and says come on sexy with a big smile and you go just wait and you have a shower too. You put on your nice nightie the short satiny one with shoestring straps and the frill on the bottom and you brush your teeth properly. You get into bed it’s a big double bed and the light’s off just the lamp is on and Dave pulls your nightie up he’s still got his jocks on you pull them down. Then there’s a knock on the door. You both go go away at the same time but they knock again. You say piss off but Dave says I think it’s Ray. A voice says Dave and Dave says it is I knew it and gets up and lets his Uncle Ray in who’s got a six-pack and a new packet of Marlboro and he sits down in the armchair at the end of the bed. Dave gets back in, the warm of him next to you soft, a shiver in his leg. Ray cracks a tinnie for you, you only have it to be polite because you don’t like beer that much and it tastes worse than usual because you’ve just brushed your teeth. Dave and Ray are talking away, you think about the light of the lamp how it removes the corners of the room and makes your skin look different. Then there’s another knock at the door. It’s Julie Dave’s aunty Ray’s wife and you’re just lying there smoking pretending to drink beer, the ceiling low above you, they all talk and you yawn and don’t even cover it up. Under the blanket Dave puts his hand on your stomach and slides it down slowly and further. You try to keep your face straight but you can’t help yourself, you have to look at him and you can’t believe it. He’s talking away not looking at you like nothing’s happening but you can see him smiling. You slide under the blankets a bit more, Ray and Julie are still talking and carrying on and now they’ve started on the six-pack Julie brought with her they’re going to be here all night. You yawn again and Dave’s hand slips out as you roll over and smell the new smell of the bright white pillowcase. You must have dozed off because the next thing you know Dave’s voice is in your ear all warm and hot and sexy and whispering and they’ve gone it’s just you and him and it’s great and he says I love you and you say me too let’s stay here forever and everything’s a goldy colour and sweaty under the sheets and you roll around and stay in his hug all night.

  Summer’s really hot and goes on forever you want to stay inside you don’t want to go out you can’t be bothered. It’s cooler inside anyway and nobody can see how fat you’re getting and you can eat ice-cream most of the day because it’s so hot. You go onto the front porch and sit on the step glaring bright light-grey concrete and sun. Through the crack in the footpath you can see down to where the crickets are you can see them rubbing their legs together that’s how they chirp. You pick up the old brick that’s always there near the porch, you’ll cover up the crack so the crickets can’t get out. The brick’s been there for ages it’s a bit stuck but you pull it out anyway from the long bits of grass. Underneath there’s a bald patch it’s full of butchyboys and worms and daddy-long-legs and white things all crawling swirling wriggling together they’re on the brick too. You drop it half-chucking it really quickly in case anything gets on you, you stand up and brush yourself off oo yuk! what if they’re on you! You pull open the flywire door by the loose flap even though you’re not supposed to you’re always getting told off for it. Inside it’s nice and cool really dark with points of flashing white and yellow but only until you get used to it which doesn’t take very long only a few seconds then everything’s just normal, it’s just the same old hallway. You go into the kitchen and your mum tells you to stop moping around you look like your best friend just died. You say oh, mum and go back out the front. The cement’s warm hard under your back and you test
how long you can stare at the sun and you shut your eyes and watch the colours all flash and grow and move around and you wish it was six o’clock so then you could watch ‘Countdown’.

  Dave’s been inside for a month now he got a Y.T.C. because he just turned eighteen he was lucky it was his first sentence. Raci and Moose got sent to Bendigo because they’re both twenty and Moose has been in trouble before. Dave looked really good in court that day he was wearing a suit and his eyebrows had grown back completely he was very polite and showed remorse but he still got a heavy sentence for what he did especially as it wasn’t just him and he’s not a bad person. You cried a bit and only had five minutes to see him, you were with his mum and sister he doesn’t have a dad. He said I love you and you said it back even though you were really embarrassed in front of his mum and now he’s gone and you can only visit him every second Sunday. You still go up the shops even though it’s not the same but it’s better than being at home and everyone still gives you sympathy. You and Debbie and Linda and some of the boys are going to go out on Friday night they’ll look after you because you’re Stretch’s girlfriend and Linda’s only going to go if you go because she doesn’t like Debbie that much when she’s the only one with her.