Until It's Time To Go

by Connie Bailey

  “It takes a little while for the reality to sink in.”

  “Oh God, Laith is coming for dinner. I have to call his mom.”

  “Just slow down, Mr. Zevin. I’m sure there are calls you need to make, but they can wait for a few minutes.”

  “You’re very nice. Do doctors usually do this kind of thing?”

  “I don’t know about other doctors, but I do.” She turned and held her hands over the keyboard of a large, outdated computer the color of old chewing gum. “Why don’t we fill in a few blanks?”

  Grateful for the distraction, Isaac told her such things as the names of Steve’s parents—both deceased—and the funeral home his body would be released to. He was absolutely sure this wasn’t the kind of thing most doctors did, but he wasn’t going to mention it again. Her calm, honest manner was the only thing keeping him from a full-blown panic attack.

  “What now?” Isaac asked when the forms were filled out.

  Dr. Seguin opened a drawer and removed a large manila envelope. “These are a few things of Mr. Michaels’s that were… not too damaged.”

  Isaac took the envelope and put it on his lap.

  “I’m very sorry for the loss of Stephen Michaels,” she said. “Please believe we did everything we could to keep him alive.”

  “I wish I could’ve said good-bye.” Isaac’s voice choked off.

  “I know. I’m truly sorry.”

  “Do you have any idea how Steve got… what happened to him?”

  “Judging by the injuries, he was struck by a large vehicle going at least sixty miles an hour. Mrs. Meier reported a fieldstone fence beside the road, and it’s more than likely that he was… crushed between the vehicle and the fence. It’s amazing we were able to revive him.” Dr. Seguin met Isaac’s eyes. “He was a real fighter.”

  Isaac groped for something to stave off the crushing grief. “So it was a hit-and-run? Has it been reported to the police?”

  “Yes, that was handled by the ER staff. Hospital policy.”

  “Good. What kind of asshole would be driving that fast through a residential area? There are kids on bikes everywhere. I’m constantly terrified one’s going to dart out in front of me. Steve says I drive like a gran—” Isaac’s voice choked up.

  “Take it easy. Those are good points. Bring them up when the police talk with you.”

  “Damn right I will. Is there anything else?”

  Dr. Seguin stood and offered her hand. “It’s a terrible thing when a life is cut short, and nothing I can say will comfort you right now. However, if you have a therapist, I recommend talking about Stephen’s death. If you don’t have a therapist, the hospital offers grief counseling.”

  “Thank you.” Isaac shook the doctor’s hand. “I can’t believe he’s gone.”

  “It’s going to take a while before you stop expecting to hear him coming through the front door. I won’t lie. It’s going to be hard and painful, but that’s normal, okay? Miss him and cry if you have to. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

  Isaac nodded. He felt as though he should say something else, but for once in his verbose life, words deserted him. Holding the envelope under his arm, he left the hospital.

  The sun was high in the sky now, brightening a rectangle of the floor in front of the emergency room doors. Isaac kept moving, one foot and then the other, and the glass doors whooshed open just before he would have run into them. He stepped out and was sideswiped by a gust of wind that followed him all the way to the parking lot, pushing at his back. Clicking the unlock button on the car key, he slid into the baked air of the BMW’s cabin. Automatically, he started the engine, and cool air flowed from the A/C vents. He sat for a minute, staring sightlessly out the windshield, and then his head dropped to thump against the steering wheel. A noise rose from his chest, emerging as a pitiful whine.

  “No!” he shouted abruptly, banging a fist against the dashboard. “You can’t be gone!”

  Tears poured down his cheeks as the sun burned his scalp. He sobbed, pounding the dash until the envelope was jarred off. It bounced off the stick shift and onto the passenger side floorboard. Pulling himself together, he fished the package out of the foot well. He folded the little metal arms up and opened the flap. Upending the envelope, he let the contents slide out onto the passenger seat.

  “That’s it?” Isaac picked up the belt wallet Steve wore when he ran. He knew he’d find Steve’s driver’s license, a few dollars, and a tube of organic lip balm. What he didn’t expect was a credit card. As he lifted it toward his face, he saw that the square of plastic was actually an electronic hotel room key. He recognized it from their trip to Las Vegas last month. They’d stayed at the Hard Rock and barely left the room.

  “Fuck!” The word was driven out of him as though he’d been punched in the gut. He’d never share another hotel bed with Steve. Never again stroke Steve’s bangs off his sweat-damp forehead. Never hear him singing in the shower ever again. “Fuck, why did I pick a fight over something so stupid? Why didn’t I drag you back into bed and fuck your brains out?” The pain at his core was growing, pushing at the inside of his skin, and he knew with absolute certainty that he was going to fly apart in tiny pieces and his insurance company wasn’t going to pay to have the car cleaned.

  Isaac’s phone rang. Out of habit, he took it out and looked at the number. It was his agent—private number, not office. “Hi, Lewis.”

  “Isaac, where in lavender hell are you?”

  “I’m in my car.”

  “That’s good. Now tell me that you’re pulling into a parking space at Kendall’s office.”

  “Shit!”

  “I don’t like the sound of that, Isaac. Where are you?”

  “I’m not going to make the meeting. You have to call Kendall for me.”

  “I do?”

  “Lewis, Steve’s dead.”

  “Come the fuck on! That’s not funny.”

  “No it isn’t. He died less than an hour ago so I hope you can understand why I’m not all torqued about missing a meeting.”

  “Yeah. Fuck yeah, I get it.” Lewis Nobb paused. “Hey, Isaac, I’m sorry, man. Can you tell me what happened, ’cause I’m going to get quizzed.”

  “He was hit by a car while he was jogging.” As Isaac said the words, he was aware of how mundane they were. He’d heard them on the news all his life. He’d never imagined they would somehow apply to him, even at one remove. And now it was real. Steve was really dead.

  “That’s fucked up. You need anything?”

  “Just keep people off my back for a couple of days, okay?”

  “Okay, but you’re going to have to regroup soon. The world moves along fast.”

  “No shit. Bye, Lewis.”

  “Seriously, call if you need anything.”

  Isaac hung up and dropped his phone on the passenger seat. The discreet drone of the BMW’s engine filled his ears, and he realized he would eventually have to move. He’d have to leave this spot and go somewhere else. A great weariness came over him at the thought of driving home. Why go home? Why do anything? None of it made sense.

  ISAAC unlocked the front door, unable to remember driving home. He emptied his pockets onto the foyer table and walked into the kitchen. After taking the bottle of vodka from the freezer, he filled a sixteen-ounce tumbler to the rim. He downed several large gulps, ignoring the burn of the super-chilled liquid, as he walked back to the entry. Slugging down another four ounces, he picked up his phone. There was at least one call he had to make.

  “Hi, Isaac.”

  Isaac grimaced when Janelle’s partner, Kylie Carr, answered. “Can I talk to Janelle, please?”

  “She’s busy.”

  Isaac held the phone away from his mouth as he sighed. Janelle’s life partner had never warmed to him, but Janelle Engram had been his best friend since junior high when she’d kept his secret about why he didn’t want to make out with her. “It’s important, Kylie.”

  “Are you going to try and bac
k out of having Laith over tonight? That boy’s been looking forward to this for a month, and Janelle’s cooking a romantic dinner for us.”

  “I’m sorry. Please put Janelle on.”

  “So what’s your excuse? Is there some important producer you have to blow?”

  Isaac heard Janelle’s voice in the background, and then she came on the line. “Isaac?”

  “Yeah, it’s me. I hate to do this, but I can’t have Laith over here tonight.”

  “Why not?”

  “Steve was hit by a car this morning and he— He’s dead, Nelle.”

  “Oh my Goddess! Where are you?”

  “I’m at home. I just poured a huge glass of vodka, which I plan to drink very fast. And I’m breaking out the ganja Spotty Bob gave me after that wrap party out in Canoga.”

  “I could come over.”

  “Once a weed whore, always a weed whore, right?”

  “How much have you had to drink already?”

  “A bit.”

  “Promise me you won’t do anything stupid like get in your car.” Janelle paused. “I’m coming over. And I’m bringing Laith with me. It’ll do you good to be around the kid.”

  “Kylie is going to murder me.”

  “Not when I tell her what happened. She’s not heartless, Zee.”

  “Look, there’s no need to—”

  “You shouldn’t be alone. Unless you want to call someone else, I’m coming over.”

  “I guess I can’t stop you.”

  “You’re welcome. Try not to be too sloppy drunk when we get there.”

  “I’m putting the booze down until Laith goes to sleep.”

  “You can still read my mind.”

  “You’re not that complex.”

  “Bye.”

  Isaac stared at the phone for several moments before walking out to the back deck. He set the glass of vodka on the wooden railing and gazed out at the ranks of small trees on the steep bank of the thready brook. “What the fuck, Steve?” he said softly and then let the humming silence swallow him. He had no idea how long he’d been standing there when he heard the doorbell chime.

  Janelle pulled Isaac into a hug as soon as he opened the door. Behind her, he saw tall, bony Kylie holding Laith to her shoulder as she retrieved a bag from the Volvo’s backseat.

  “Thanks for coming,” Isaac said softly, his eyes on Laith’s smiling face. Janelle had been right. Seeing his godson made him feel a little better. “Hi, Kylie,” he called out.

  Laith saw Isaac and wriggled to be put down. Kylie set him on his feet, and he ran across the grass, chubby legs churning. Lifting his arms, he signaled that someone should pick him up now. Isaac swept the five-year-old off the ground and kissed his cheek.

  “Are we going in?” Kylie asked.

  Isaac stepped aside and let Janelle and Kylie pass by. They went directly to the kitchen, and Janelle began going through the refrigerator and pantry.

  “It’s not as bad as I thought,” she said as she took a jug of grapefruit juice from the fridge. “I pictured you with nothing in the house but booze and mac and cheese.”

  “Mac and cheese!” Laith crowed.

  “Now you better hope I have some,” Isaac said.

  “No worries,” Kylie said, pulling a blue-and-white box from her large bag. “I never leave home without it.” She set the box on the counter. “I’m really sorry about Steve, Isaac.”

  “Thanks. And I really appreciate you guys coming over.”

  “You’d do the same. Got any fizzy water? I’m the designated driver, so no booze for me.”

  “I, however, can drink all I want,” Janelle said as she opened the freezer. “Let me make you my special screwdriver, Isaac.”

  “Whatever you say. There’s a glass of vodka on the table. The ingredients for the cottage pie I was going to make are—” Without warning, Isaac’s voice pinched off. Tears sprang to his eyes and ran down his face.

  Janelle wrapped her arms around Isaac, and Laith patted at Isaac’s wet cheeks.

  “Don’t cry,” Laith said. “Want a cookie?”

  Isaac backed up and sat down, holding Laith on his lap. Janelle stroked Isaac’s hair, his face pressed to her belly, while Laith hugged his neck. Kylie fetched the glass of vodka from the dining room and busied herself mixing drinks.

  “Feeling a little better?” Janelle asked when Isaac stopped shaking.

  “Yeah. I need to blow my nose.”

  “You need a Kleenex,” Laith said.

  Kylie yanked a paper towel off the roll and handed it to Isaac.

  “Thanks.” Isaac wiped his face and blew his nose. “I keep remembering that he’s gone, and it just puts me on my knees.”

  “You said he was hit by a car. Do they know who was driving?” Kylie asked.

  “It was a hit-and-run, apparently. If anyone saw it, they aren’t speaking up. My neighbor found Steve lying on the side of the road and took him to the hospital.”

  “Did you check this Samaritan’s car for dings?”

  “Kylie!” Janelle looked up at her partner. At five foot nothing, she looked up to almost everyone, but only physically.

  “I’m just being logical.”

  “I know, but save it for later.”

  “It’s okay,” Isaac said. “I feel a bit better answering questions instead of wallowing.”

  “Well, is it possible that your neighbor hit Steve by accident but is afraid to admit it?”

  “I don’t think so,” Isaac said. “Her kids were with her.”

  “I hope the police are going to investigate,” Kylie said.

  “The hospital reported it, so I assume they will.”

  “Don’t assume anything when the victim’s gay. Call the police first thing in the morning.”

  “Kylie, let’s give Isaac some time to grieve before we start the crusade, okay?”

  “Fine. I’m just trying to help. Here are your drinks.”

  Janelle took a sip. “That’s perfect,” she said. “Just the way I like it.”

  “Grapefruit juice, vodka, and a splash from a jar of maraschino cherries.”

  Isaac blinked. “I have maraschino cherries?”

  “That’s another thing I never travel without,” Kylie said.

  “It’s good,” Isaac said, draining half the glass. “What do you call it?”

  “Red Greyhound,” Janelle said. “I can’t believe you didn’t know that. I’ve been drinking them for months.”

  “A sad comment on the kind of friend I am.”

  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “It’s okay. Really.” Isaac took her hand. “The best thing you can do for me right now is to just be yourself.”

  “I can do that.” Janelle squeezed Isaac’s hand and let go. “Why don’t you play with Laith while I get busy in the kitchen?”

  “Sounds good. Hey, Laith! Want to walk to the stream?”

  “Yeah!” Laith grinned. “I want to see the squirrels!”

  “Mind if I horn in?” Kylie said.

  “Of course not,” Isaac said, though she’d never asked before, and he suspected that Laith’s well-being was her motivation, rather than any desire for his company.

  “Say hi to the squirrels for me,” Janelle called out, making a squeaking noise.

  “Okay, Mommy.” Laith waved as he followed Isaac out of the sliding glass door.

  “Path’s a little steep,” Isaac said when they reached the edge of the deck. “I usually carry Laith down the first section.”

  “I want to walk,” Laith said firmly.

  “Laith’s been going to dance class for a few weeks,” Kylie said. “Most of the other kids are in public school, and they’ve had a definite effect on our little man. His thing now is rejecting anything he considers ‘for babies’.”

  “I’m not a baby,” Laith said. “I’m big.”

  “You sure are,” Isaac said. “But you’ll never be too big for me to carry, okay?”

  Laith thought it over. “Okay
. But I want to walk now.”

  “Tell you what, how about you walk in the middle?” Isaac glanced at Kylie, and she nodded. He took the first step down the switchback trail that led to the bottom of the slope. It was only fifteen feet, but when you were looking down, it seemed like more. He and Steve had planned to put in a set of stairs, but somehow it hadn’t happened. Isaac’s heart contracted with a sharp pain that made him fear a heart attack. Tears blurred his vision as he fought to ward off thoughts of all the things he and Steve would never do together.

  “Isaac?”

  Kylie’s voice reminded Isaac that he wasn’t alone, and he continued down the path. At the bottom, he turned and watched Laith work his way down. The little boy used his hands and bottom as much as his feet, and a major washing up would be required before dinner, but he was making it down the hill by himself. Isaac could see from Laith’s expression that this was important.

  “Great job!” Isaac said when Laith jumped the last couple of feet.

  “Come on.” Isaac said to Kylie. “We’d better catch up with Speedy Gonzales.”

  Laith ran ahead down the dirt path, but he was too well-trained to go very far. Isaac and Kylie strolled behind him as he darted down the trail, stopping first on one side and then the other to inspect some fascinating object. Occasionally, he’d hold up a beetle or a perfect pine cone to show Kylie and Isaac, but mostly he was content to explore on his own.

  “I know it’s just happened, but do you have any idea what you’ll do?” Kylie asked.

  “I feel like I shouldn’t be thinking about anything but Steve, but all kinds of things keep popping up in my brain. I feel bad for being relieved that the house is paid for and that our insurance has a burial plan.”

  “Look, you don’t have to put on some big show of being overcome with grief. I know you loved Steve. And I know that for a while, you’ll be lost without him. That’s just the way of the world.”

  “Yeah, well, it sucks.”

  “Too right.” Kylie raised her voice abruptly. “Laith, don’t go down to the water without us!” She watched the little boy swerve aside to the line of trees. “I know the stream isn’t deep,” she told Isaac. “Still… better safe than sorry, right?”