Until It's Time To Go

by Connie Bailey

  “Laith—”

  “Is okay with it,” Colby interjected. “If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have sat at the table with us.”

  “I just can’t take the chance of destroying the little bit of peace he’s found here.”

  “I don’t accept that, and I won’t give up on you.”

  “I still don’t get why you’re in such a bother over me. I’m a decade older than you. I’m soft around the middle. And I’m an asshole.”

  “I don’t care what you look like, though I happen to like the way you look. I really dig that whole salt and pepper thing. Anyway, I was in love with you way before I met you.”

  “That’s a romance novel trope. You can’t be in love with someone without knowing them.”

  “Maybe you can’t.” Colby sat up and swung his legs off the lounger. “Right after Famous Shamus ended, I hired this acting coach, Franz Dolmen, to help me transition to more adult roles. One of the plays he gave me to read was your Quarter of Nothing. I know some critics say it’s dated and immature, but it really spoke to me. I totally identified with what Shoobie went through. After the first time I read it, I wanted to call you and tell you that what you wrote helped me get through something that was blocking me.”

  “Why didn’t you?”

  “Oh, you know, I just felt like you’d think I was a stupid kid.”

  “I would’ve been flattered that my words meant something to you. That they made a difference. That’s what every writer wants to hear.”

  “Next time something affects me like that, I’ll make a point of acknowledging it.”

  “I think if everyone did that, there’d be a lot more happiness in the world.”

  “You could be right. Anyway, I read all your other stuff that I could find. And I knew that the man who wrote those words was a man I could love.”

  “You took your time finding me.”

  “There was that whole homo-no-no thing my agency brainwashed me with. I lived in fear that I’d give myself away somehow.”

  “You never thought about just being honest and being yourself? Other actors have done it.”

  “This is going to sound awful, but no one as famous as me has done it. As soon as I reached a certain level of stardom, there was no way for me to stop lying. Too many people depended on me for their livelihood.”

  “People who care about you would rather see you happy than rich and famous.”

  “How can I ask them to give up their jobs?”

  “You’re a smart, motivated guy. Find new jobs for them.”

  “Why do I have to be out?”

  “It would be respectful to your partner, for one thing.”

  “Does that mean you’ll give it a go with me if I come out?”

  “No. I’m just speaking in general.”

  “Well don’t, okay? I came here to talk about us, not the entire Queer Nation.”

  “Why are you so contemptuous?”

  “Because flamboyant gayness embarrasses me, okay? There. I said it. I’m a bad, bad homosexual.”

  “You don’t have to love all the colors of the rainbow. Just be proud of yourself.”

  “What motivational poster did you read that on?”

  “Sadly, it just came out of my mouth like that. Come on. If I can admit I’m a hack, you can own up to being gay, or bi, or whatever.”

  “Sorry, I’m not going to be calling any press conferences.”

  “I’m not asking you to. Just don’t make me your dirty little secret. If we’re going to be together, then you’re going to have to act like my boyfriend at family gatherings, at least.”

  “I can do that.”

  “Then we have something to build on.” Isaac held up a hand as Colby leaned toward him. “Hold on, Casanova. Don’t uncork the bubbly just yet. All we’ve done is agree not to break up.”

  “If that’s how you want to see it. Now come on. Give it up. Just one little kiss.”

  “Are you guys going to suck face all night?” Laith said from doorway. “It’s time for dessert.”

  Isaac’s head whipped around. “We’ll be right in,” he said.

  “That kid’s a ninja,” Colby said, darting forward to steal a kiss.

  “So are you.” Isaac stood and took Colby’s hand. “Come on. That cheesecake looked good.”

  LAITH watched Isaac cut the dulce de leche cheesecake. “Can I have a bigger piece?” he asked.

  Isaac handed him two plates. “Give one to Colby,” he said.

  Laith set the plates on the bar and sat down next to Colby. Colby passed Laith a fork and each took a bite.

  “Anyone want coffee?” Isaac asked.

  “Glass of milk,” Laith said through a mouthful of dessert.

  “Sounds good,” Colby said.

  Isaac poured three glasses of milk and brought them over in two trips. “How’s the cheesecake?” he asked as he sat down.

  Laith and Colby made yummy noises as they continued to eat.

  “Would you mind if Colby stayed overnight?”

  Laith shrugged. “Just try to keep it down, okay? I’m a growing boy and I need my rest.”

  “If you grow much more you’ll be bumping your head on the ceiling.” Isaac paused. “The first person to make a headboard joke sleeps in the garage.”

  “Headboard?” Colby said, giving Laith an exaggerated baffled look.

  “No idea,” Laith said. “He’s in his own world.”

  “Oh, now I see how it’s going to be,” Isaac said. “You two can stop ganging up on me right now. And I wasn’t talking about tonight. I was asking for future reference.”

  Colby gasped and clutched at his chest. “That was foul,” he said.

  “And that was one of the worst death scenes I’ve ever seen. Just cool your jets. Laith is going back to Colorado on Saturday, so let’s have a little consideration until then.”

  “Aw, come on,” Laith said. “Throw him a bone, Uncle Zee.”

  “No bones will be thrown tonight,” Isaac said firmly. “Sorry about teasing you, Colby.”

  “At least walk me to the car.”

  “I’m going back to my game,” Laith said. “Night, Colby.”

  Colby said good night and took hold of Isaac’s hand, pulling him out the front door. “Last chance to change your mind,” he said as they reached his car.

  “Hey, I’d like an encore of last night as soon as possible, but I can’t just think about myself now. I’ve never taken responsibility for anything larger than a cat in my whole life, but I’m going to do my best to see that Laith has a good life.”

  “Was it a sudden epiphany?”

  “Are you making fun of me?”

  “Not intentionally.”

  “Yeah, I had an epiphany. It’s been building up for a long time, but I had a moment when someone else’s suffering became as real to me as my own. Having felt that, I can’t ignore his pain. I have to do something about it.”

  “Does taking care of Laith leave room in your life for a lover?”

  “We’ll see, okay?”

  “Come here.” Colby pulled Isaac into a hug and sought his lips.

  Isaac returned the kiss, enjoying the feel of the warm lips on his, the prickle of stubble, and Colby’s scent that reminded him of a day at the beach. He leaned into Colby, and Colby leaned back against the door of the car as they became lost in the heady sensation of their tongues sliding wetly together. Isaac forgot where he was until Colby pushed a knee between his thighs.

  “I should go in,” Isaac said as he pulled away.

  “You’re killing me.” Colby cupped his bulge for emphasis.

  “Don’t exaggerate.” Isaac looked toward the house and back at Colby. “Have I mentioned that you’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen?”

  “Just a quickie. Come on.”

  “Why are you such a sex maniac?”

  “Because I’m seriously in lust with you, and we just did it for the first time last night, and I’m so hot for another round that I’m ab
out to jack off right here.”

  Isaac crowded Colby up against the car again and reached down to squeeze his hard cock through his jeans. He dove on Colby’s mouth, and Colby opened up in every way known to him. Reaching into Colby’s fly, Isaac took hold of the rigid shaft. He didn’t shy away when Colby unzipped him and returned the favor. Welded together at the lips, they stroked one another with fierce tenderness, each trying to get the other off first.

  “Oh God!” Colby broke the kiss as he gasped for breath. “I’m coming.”

  “Me… too.” Isaac’s breath caught in his throat as he squirted into Colby’s fist. He felt warm liquid fill his hand and ooze between his knuckles. Letting out a long sigh, he leaned heavily against Colby. “I’ve lost my mind,” he murmured.

  “Was it that good?” Colby said, kissing Isaac’s ear.

  “I needed it more than I thought, but now I’m starting to feel like a teenager who can’t control himself. Plus my hand and crotch are all icky.”

  Colby chuckled. “Go inside and take a shower.” He gave Isaac a quick kiss. “I’ll see you at work tomorrow, yeah?”

  “Yeah.” Isaac smiled. “I look forward to it.”

  After one more embrace, Colby got in his car and drove away. Isaac went inside and decided to make himself a drink before getting in the tub. As he walked across the kitchen in the dark, he stubbed his toe on something that skittered away across the tiles. He knew immediately what it was: Punkin’s water bowl. Getting down on his knees, he spotted the dish under the bar and picked it up. For several moments, he stayed on the floor holding the bowl to his chest as his tears flowed.

  While he was fooling around with Colby, he’d forgotten all about Punkin, and now the knowledge returned with fresh impact. The Creature was gone and would never again walk on his stomach in the morning, unerringly targeting his full bladder. Never again would Isaac feel the sting of needle claws in his calf informing him a food bowl was empty. Never again fall asleep to the soothing purr of the fur puddle on his lap.

  When the grip of guilt and sorrow eased, Isaac rose and put the bowl away in a cabinet. He didn’t know how yet, but he was going to find a way to honor Punkin’s memory. And what about Steve? Shouldn’t he find a better way to honor Steve’s memory?

  Instead of a drink and a soak in the tub, he cleaned up quickly and went to bed, but sleep eluded him for a long time as unquiet ghosts haunted his thoughts.

  Chapter 9

  ISAAC’S phone rang as he finished shaving. He looked at the screen and saw the number of Punkin’s vet. “This is Isaac Zevin,” he said as he accepted the call.

  “Good morning. I have the results of the necropsy for you.”

  “Thanks for calling yourself.”

  “It’s not something I foist on the technicians.” The doctor cleared her throat. “The results of the tests show that Punkin’s kidneys failed.”

  “He didn’t act sick. If I’d thought anything was wrong, I’d have brought him in.”

  “I know you would’ve, Isaac. The symptoms are increased thirst and loss of weight, and these things can be easy to miss. I apologize for not catching it.”

  “God, I put him on a diet a couple of weeks ago.”

  “That didn’t cause his death. I promise you it didn’t.”

  “I was so proud of him for losing weight.”

  “Don’t do this to yourself, Isaac. You gave Punkin an exceptionally good life. As a stray, he probably wouldn’t have lived to see his first birthday, and starving to death is not a pleasant way to go.”

  “I just feel like there was more I could’ve done.”

  “Everyone feels that way when a loved one dies, but it’s usually not true. Usually there’s nothing at all we can do but try and comfort them.”

  “I still feel like I let him down.”

  “I’m very sorry. Would you like to pick him up for burial? Or would you like me to take care of having him cremated?”

  “I’d like to bury him at home.”

  The doctor told Isaac when he could pick Punkin up, expressed her sympathy and apologized again, and went back to work. Isaac got dressed and went to knock on Laith’s door.

  “You want breakfast before we go, pick something up on the way, or eat when we get there?”

  “I’m almost ready,” Laith said, looking up from lacing his boots. “I could make pancakes and bacon.”

  “Is there anything you eat that doesn’t have bacon on or in it?”

  “I hope not.” Laith stood up. “What are we doing today?”

  “Well, we have to pick Punkin up at the vet. I’d like to bury him down by the stream. Then we go to the set. I’ve got some time to make up for. Colby’s coming in early to hang with you.”

  “Cool.” Laith sighed. “I wish I wasn’t leaving tomorrow.”

  “Me too, but you’ll be back. So what’s the decision on breakfast?”

  “I’m not hungry right now.”

  “Me either. Why don’t we go get Punkin and have his funeral? After that, we’ll see if we feel like eating, okay?”

  LAITH carried the shovel, and Isaac cradled the pillowcase that held the bag of thick black plastic that contained Punkin’s remains and his favorite toy. The steepness of the path gave a solemn slowness to their progress as they descended to the bottom of the small canyon. They walked in silence until they stopped by mutual agreement at a favorite spot where an evergreen overhung the brook. Removing shoes and socks, they rolled up their pants legs and waded to the other side. Under a bank of clay and rock some distance from the water, Isaac dug a small grave and Punkin was lowered into it. After the hole was filled in, they transplanted some wildflowers and then stood looking down at the grave.

  “It’s a really nice day,” Isaac said softly. “It’s warm, but there’s a breeze. You can hear it moving through the pines. The squirrels are running around like crazy, cussing us out for being here. It’s your favorite kind of day, Creature, and I wish you were still with us. I know I’m just feeling sorry for myself because I lost you. I know you’re happy wherever you are. I told Steve to look out for you, so don’t show your ass when he finds you.”

  Laith laughed and then clapped a hand over his mouth.

  “It’s okay,” Isaac said. “Punkin’s not going to be offended and neither am I.”

  “I miss him.”

  “I know.” Isaac put an arm around Laith’s shoulders. “Jesus, you’re as tall as me.”

  “I grew so much in the last year that Mom said she was going to invest in denim.”

  Isaac smiled. “I think Punkin will be all right here,” he said. “Want to get going?”

  “Yeah.” Laith took a deep, hitching breath. “Is it bad that I’m looking forward to hanging out with Colby when we just had a funeral?”

  Isaac had a moment of clarity that struck him dumb for several seconds.

  “Uncle Zee?”

  “Sorry. I spaced out. No, there’s nothing wrong with continuing to live even though Punkin’s dead.”

  “Cool.”

  “Yeah, I guess it is. And I guess the trick is to remember that the sadness doesn’t last forever. There are stretches of happiness in between, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying them even if someone you love isn’t there to enjoy them with you.”

  “Whoa.” Laith looked over his shoulder as he started up the path to the house. “When did you get your guru license?”

  “I’m just trying to answer your question.”

  “You can stop anytime. I got it.”

  “You do, huh?”

  “Yep.” Laith glanced back again. “Just so you know. If I slip and break my neck, it won’t be your fault. If I die, I don’t want you to feel guilty for the rest of your life. I want you to be happy.”

  “Shut up, smartass,” Isaac said before his voice choked off. How had it taken him forty-five years to learn what a sixteen-year-old understood instinctively? Or was Laith unusually perceptive? And now that Isaac had seen this truth, how long woul
d it be before he could actually believe it?

  “COME in,” Isaac called out, and the motor home door opened.

  “Hey, stud.” Colby’s voice dripped with honey as he greeted Isaac.

  “Seriously?” Isaac frowned as he looked up from the screen.

  “Uncle Zee is still acting like the church lady,” Laith said from the kitchen area.

  “It doesn’t bother me that you heard it,” Isaac said. “I object to the tone and the very wording.”

  “Well, I guess I could call you my trick, if you’d prefer that,” Colby drawled.

  “What’s with the antebellum accent?” Isaac asked.

  “I was thinking of giving Dorian a southern belle vibe.”

  “You can’t. Tony’s not doing reshoots.”

  “Too bad. I think it would’ve added something to the character.”

  “Too much,” Isaac said curtly. “What this film doesn’t need is a bunch of unnecessary flourishes designed to make you look good to the Academy.”

  Colby blinked and then turned to Laith. “Maybe we should leave the den to the bear,” he said.

  “I’m ready,” Laith said, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.

  “Where are you going?” Isaac asked.

  “Colby actually has to work, so I’m going to sit quietly while he blocks a scene with Jamie and Mitch.” Laith patted his bag. “I have my laptop and headphones in case I get bored.”

  “You could play games here.”

  Laith rolled his eyes. “It’s completely different.”

  “When did you two set this up, anyway?”

  “I called Laith on the phone,” Colby replied. “He actually answers his.”

  Isaac took the hint and pulled out his phone. He turned it on and saw that he had three missed calls from Colby. “Sometimes I turn it off and forget to turn it on again,” he said.

  “You’re such a flake,” Colby said. “It’s a good thing I like you so much.”

  “I’ll wait outside,” Laith said as he went out the door and closed it.

  “Bright kid,” Colby said as he leaned over Isaac. “Can I get some sugar? I’m about a quart low.” He pressed his crotch to Isaac’s shoulder and pulsed his hips.