by Ali Parker
Despite my own feelings about what had happened between us just this week, memories of thirteen years ago flooded my brain.
Maggie and I had been dating officially for a couple of months. Ryan knew and had given us his blessing, and all was right in my world.
We lay on her bed, our fingers wound together as we made out like, well, teenagers. She was a virgin. I wasn’t. I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anyone before, but I also didn’t want to put pressure on her.
“Noah,” she’d whispered against my lips. “Can I touch you?”
“You are touching me,” I’d groaned, my dick harder than steel and straining painfully against the zipper of my jeans.
Her hand left mine and traveled down to the waistband of said jeans, skimming lightly over the top of my erection. It was over the thick material, but I felt her touch rip through me like a bolt of lightning.
“I meant I wanted to touch you here,” she’d whispered, vulnerability mixing with that look she’d been giving me for a couple of weeks now.
We hadn’t said the big L-word yet, but it sure felt like she was screaming it at me in her mind when she looked at me like that. Maggie was my everything, but I was a senior and about to graduate. Ryan and I would be off to college soon, and we’d be done by the time Mags got there.
I didn’t want to say anything to her that was going to make our inevitable separation harder. Being away from Maggie was going to torture us as it was. I couldn’t afford to come home often, and she wouldn’t be able to come visit us regularly either.
Long-distance relationships didn’t have the best reputation, but I figured Maggie and I hadn’t given it a try. We would be the exception to the rule. I was sure of it.
My cock throbbed as she brushed her palm over it again. “Can I?”
“Of course.” My voice was thick, my brain about seven seconds away from being fried. A low hiss escaped between my teeth when she unzipped my jeans and finally set my aching dick free.
Her eyes widened, and she just stared at it for the longest minute. I reached up and threaded my fingers through her soft hair, bringing her mouth back to mine for a tender kiss. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, baby.”
“No, it’s not that I don’t want to. I just...” She trailed off and glanced down, her teeth sinking into her swollen lower lip. “I don’t know what to do.”
“I can show you,” I offered, taking her hand in mine. She nodded, tensing when I guided her hand to my rock-hard shaft.
I damn near came when she closed her fist around it, gasping as my neck arched back into her fluffy pillow. Maggie’s hand jerked back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“You didn’t,” I groaned. I screwed my eyes shut to regain some measure of self-control, but when I opened them again, everything changed.
Maggie was still lying next to me, her hand still poised to touch me again. But it was the look in her eyes that made me feel like I’d taken a bullet straight through my heart. What the fuck was I doing?
Her eyes shone with innocence and vulnerability, the love I knew she felt but wasn’t ready to tell me about yet. She suddenly seemed so much younger, so much more naive than she had only minutes ago.
Am I really going to be the asshole who’s going to take advantage of her? I sucked in a sharp breath. I hadn’t meant to, but it sure as hell felt like that was exactly what I was doing.
She was my everything, but I couldn’t be hers. She was Ryan’s baby sister, and she was going to be crushed enough as it was when he left for college. I couldn’t be an extra weight on her heart.
I couldn’t expect her to commit to me when I went off, waiting at home for a boyfriend who didn’t know when he’d be back again. All the experiences she’d miss in high school because she was sitting at home waiting to hear from me? I couldn’t take those away from her.
I knew Maggie well enough to know that she’d be faithful to me, but was it fair of me to expect that of her? Hell no.
Tears pricked at the backs of my eyes, and damn near uncontrollable rage flew through me at the mere thought of someone else touching her, but what choice did I have? Leave her here to pine over me, to miss out on experiences that would stay with her for the rest of her life just because I was a coward who was too weak to let her live her life?
I sat bolt upright in her bed, tucking my junk back into my pants and jumping off her bed. “I’ve gotta go.”
“Go where?”
“Home,” I answered, then leaned over to give her a kiss on her forehead. “I just remembered something, but I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay.”
It had torn my heart to shreds to see the confusion and the hurt in her eyes, but I’d known what I had to do, and if I hadn’t done it then, I wouldn’t have had the courage to do it at all.
Blinking against the onslaught of memories when my waiter brought my coffee over, I swallowed past a lump in my throat. I’d told her that night that I’d talk to her later, but I never had.
At first, it was because my resolve wasn’t strong enough. I knew that if I saw her or heard her voice, I wouldn’t be able to stay away from her. I’d allowed myself to send one text, then quit her cold fucking turkey.
After that, too much time had passed. I knew that suddenly contacting her out of the blue was more likely to hurt both of us than do any real good.
And so, I’d sewn shut the Maggie-shaped hole in my heart and got on with my life, hoping and praying that she was doing the same thing. But now?
Why would she even have brought it up now? I wasn’t doing the same thing, was I? She didn’t even want me, for fuck’s sake.
Then why did she say that she loved me for me? Also, she said she loved me!
Fuck. I dug my wallet out of my pocket and tossed a couple of bills on the table, leaving my fresh coffee behind. With more questions than answers, I shoved my own way out of the coffee shop. What the fuck is going on here?
Chapter 36
Maggie
“Can you believe he thought we were serious when we were talking about how I was only with him for his money?” I fumed to Angie over lunch the day after I’d run into Noah at the coffee shop.
My untouched cheeseburger looked delicious, but my stomach turned at the thought of eating it. This whole week hadn’t been kind to my stomach. It flipped whenever I thought about Noah, and since it seemed like that was all I was doing, it was constantly doing somersaults.
Angie’s chocolate-brown eyes flared. “Are you kidding me?”
I shook my head. “I wish I was, but I’m not. He must have come into the shop, heard only that part of our conversation, and decided that it wasn’t worth it to ask me for context or an explanation.”
“But you said it so sarcastically. How could he not have heard that?”
I shrugged, feeling the corners of my lips turn down. “I don’t know, but it’s clear that he thinks it was the truth.”
“He’s an idiot.” She lifted her burger and took a big bite, moaning as she chewed. When she swallowed, she gave me a sympathetic smile. “But at least you know what happened this time, right?”
“Right.” I sucked my paper straw into my mouth, taking a big sip of my water. It was just about all I could stomach. “I just can’t believe he really thinks that I was after him for his money. It’s ludicrous.”
“It is,” she agreed. Eyeing my burger, she inclined her head. “You gonna eat that?”
“I’m trying to work up to it,” I admitted. “I haven’t been eating well this week.”
A knowing look came into her eyes. “I’d forgotten how much weight you lost after he skipped out on you the first time.”
“You should have seen me after Ryan died.” I sighed. “I lived on drinking yogurt for months.”
Her expression fell, becoming one of deep sadness. “I can’t even imagine what you went through.”
“It sucked.” Tears stung my eyes, but I blinked them back. “Can we b
e angry at Noah instead of talking about this?”
“Sure, he’s an asshole,” Angie said easily. “I can’t believe he really did it again.”
I snorted, shaking my head at myself. “You know what the worst thing is? I can believe it. I was afraid something like this would happen.”
“Yeah, but that it would have been exactly the same ghosting act he pulled on you if you hadn’t run into him? Didn’t the guy grow up?”
“Apparently not.” I picked up a fry and took a bite. Regardless of how golden brown and delicious it had looked on my plate, it tasted like sawdust. “I guess he’s just good at that, disappearing.”
“What a stupid skill to have.” She took another bite of her burger, her expression thoughtful as she chewed.
“It’s served him pretty well so far.” I tried another bite of my fry before giving up, dropping it back to my plate, and wiping the salt from my hands with my napkin. “I guess I should be used to him walking away or simply not showing up by now. I don’t know why I expected a different outcome this time.”
Angie met my gaze and held it. “That’s an easy one. You love him, Mags. You always have. You thought it might end differently because you wanted it to.”
“Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter,” I said firmly, picking up my burger with renewed determination. I was going to eat, and it was going to taste damn good. “I just need to move on. Both of us do. I can’t put Lydia through what Noah does, and she’s all that matters to me. I have to protect her first and foremost.”
“Agreed, but do you really think he’d hurt her?”
A heavy breath fell from my lips. “Honestly? No, I don’t. But again, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going to give him a chance to hurt her. We’re over. That’s it this time.”
“You sure?” She tilted her head. “What if he comes crawling back?”
“He won’t.” He hadn’t before, and I seriously doubted he’d do it now, especially since he believed that I was only after him for his money in the first place. “Noah has been used by a lot of people who only wanted his money. It’s really difficult for him to trust people because of it, and he clearly doesn’t trust me.”
It hurt to say the words, but it didn’t make them any less true. Relationships were nothing without trust, and if Noah didn’t trust me, then I supposed ours was doomed from the start.
Why he would ever have thought that I was only after the money was beyond me. I hadn’t given a flying fuck when he didn’t have any, so why would I care now that he did?
Angie was right. I’d said what I had so sarcastically that it was impossible he’d have believed it and walked away unless he already thought that it might be true. His mind had been made up by what he’d heard, but it sure as hell wasn’t the first time he’d given it any thought.
What I had done while I was with him to make him think that, I didn’t know. Late at night, I lay in bed and wondered about it. I replayed all the time we’d spent together, trying to pinpoint something that had happened or something I had said that would have made him suspect I was just another gold digger.
So far, I was coming up empty. Sure, we’d joked about it from time to time, but he’d laughed right along with me.
Despite the fact that I now knew why he had left this time, it still felt like it had been a foregone conclusion from his side that it would happen before I’d actually uttered those words. It tore me to pieces that he would believe that I, of all people, would have used him for his money.
And he’d left me again without a word, an inkling of what had happened, or the intention of telling me. If I hadn’t run into him in that coffee shop, I’d still have been scratching my head and trying to face a future without him when only days ago, I never thought I would have to.
Teenage me was holed up in a corner in my brain, cradling her broken heart and crying giant, salty tears about him. I just couldn’t believe that having gone through what I did after he left the first time, I’d trusted him this time around. Well, it’s not a mistake I’m ever repeating again.
It was hard enough that I had to go through this and that I had to try to hide my pain away from Lydia. I’d have ripped off his balls if he got close to her and then decided to pull his ghost act.
Angie reached across the table to rest her hand on my forearm, giving it a gentle squeeze. “For what it’s worth, I trust you, I love you, and I’m really glad you’re back in town.”
“Thanks.” I forced a smile, but I could feel that it didn’t reach my eyes. “But I’m starting to think that coming back to Washington was the worst mistake I could have made.”
Chapter 37
Noah
“Hey! Asshole.” Angie glared at me when I turned to face her in the narrow aisle of the grocery store. “I ought to punch you, you know that?”
Rage had turned her cheeks red, and she had her tiny fist thrust into the air. She stormed up to me, jabbing me in the chest with her index finger. “You’re a worthless piece of shit. I don’t care how much money you have. You’re absolutely worthless. I can’t believe you hurt her again. Scummy, stupid—”
I gently wrapped my hands around hers to stop the jabbing that punctuated each word. “Would you stop that, please?”
Her usually kind brown eyes shot daggers at me. “No. You’re the asshole who hurt my best friend. Twice.”
“She hurt me this time, actually.” The black hole where my heart used to be ached. “She used me, Angie. Or are you condoning what she did because she’s your best friend?”
“I’m not condoning anything because there’s nothing to condone, jackass,” she spat, a tremble running through her arms. “What you heard that day is called sarcasm. Look it up. Maggie was showing me her designs, and I realized some of them were a bit different from what I’d seen before. She said they’d been inspired by the women at the event you took her to, but that she didn’t like them because they treated their husbands like nothing but paychecks.”
My dead heart came back with a lurch. I felt blood draining from my cheeks. “What?”
She swatted my arm. “It’s true. If you’d just asked her, she’d have told you. She loves you, you stupid dickhead. She could never be like that. I know you have issues because poor Noah’s been used so many times, but you fucked up this time, buddy.”
People in the aisle with us shot her disapproving looks each time she cursed, but she lifted her chin and looked like she was about to flip them off. Meanwhile, I was barely aware of my surroundings.
Those words I’d overheard came back to me, just like they had so many times before today. Only this time, I paid attention to the tone and not what she was saying.
My stomach twisted when it dawned on me that Angie could be right. Maggie really had sounded like she was sarcastic. “Tell me everything.”
She rolled her eyes at me and parked her hands on her hips. “I’ve already told you everything you need to know, not that you have a right to know it anymore.”
“Angie, please.” I reached for her, but she stepped back with a warning flashing in her eyes.
“Don’t ‘Angie please’ me, jerk. You did this, so you have to fix it.”
“I want to,” I said honestly. It felt like I’d been stuck in hell all week, and this was the first time it felt like I might ever get out of it. “I just want to understand what happened. If I go over there without all the facts, something is going to come out wrong, and I’ll only end up making the situation worse. So it was you she was talking to?”
She scoffed. “You broke her freaking heart, dickwad. You can’t really make it any worse than that. But yes, it was me.”
“You can call me whatever name you want, but I love her, Angie. If what you’re saying is true, I really have fucked up, and I’m only going to have one chance to make it right. If she even gives me a chance.”
“She already gave you a second chance,” she spat, but then she took a deep breath that released on a sigh. “But fine. I’ll tell you. I’m not doing it for
you, though. I’m doing it for her, because she loves you and I want her to be happy.”
“So do I.” More than anything in the world, I wanted her to be happy. Even if she couldn’t forgive me this time around, even if she never did, I still wanted her happiness above all else. “I want to try to make her happy, Angie. I swear to you that if she forgives me, I’ll make her the happiest she’s ever been. Forever.”
It was a promise I was willing to write in blood if that was what she wanted. Thankfully, Angie never had been a bloodthirsty one. Her expression softened. “Forever?”
“Forever, if she’ll have me for that long. I’m not just saying that either. That particular word keeps cropping up. I love her, and I always will. Forever.”
Her brown eyes rolled. “I hope you’re wearing your groveling pants, Noah. It’s not going to be easy to convince her to give you another second chance. I’m not even sure if she should, but it should be her decision. Buy me a cup of coffee. I’ll replay it all for you again. Just so you know, I’m going to enjoy the hell out of watching you realize how much of an idiot you are.”
I deserved it. “Sure. Let’s go.”
We abandoned our groceries and went to the coffee shop next door, where Angie proceeded to inform me exactly how wrong I had been. True to her word, she really did enjoy watching me come to the conclusion that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.
When she left, it was with a wave and a final warning. “If you hurt her again, Noah, I’m coming for you. I might be small, but I’m fast. I don’t care who you are or how much money you have, I will cut your dick off in your sleep.”
Maybe she was a bloodthirsty one after all. A shudder traveled down my spine, but I nodded. “That won’t be necessary. You’ll see.”
“I hope she makes it really difficult for you.” She walked backward out of the coffee shop, flipping me off just before the door opened. “And I’d better be a bridesmaid if that forever thing you promised me does happen.”