Save Me

by Amanda Heath

  I finally let my smile break through and sit up in my bed. “I’d do the same for him. He pulled you out of a dark place once upon a time. I can’t thank him enough for that.”

  Wes purses her lips and her smile turns gentle. “You pulled me out, too. It just took you longer than him.” Then she races out of the room yelling for Paisley.

  Paisley?

  Damn, that means Channing is here. I’ve been around him, of course, but that doesn’t mean I want to be. Every time I look at him I want to puke. At least he didn’t have to look at Ashley every fucking day.

  I haven’t spoken directly to my mother either. I ignore her calls and hide in my closet when she comes over. She knows I’m avoiding her but she doesn’t know why. No one else will fill her in and I don’t know why. It’s like they want me to hurt my mother by bringing it up. And that’s the whole reason I don’t want to bring it up. I don’t want my mother to feel any more pain. I want to live the rest of my life without bringing it up.

  I can’t avoid her forever, but I can for right now. And hopefully by tomorrow, I can come up with a good enough excuse.

  “Court, baby. You need to get up! Y’all need to get going so the girls and I can have our party!” Rach screams from somewhere outside our room.

  I groan and climb off the bed. I have developed some of her symptoms. Nathan was right. I called Uncle Grayson about it the other day and he explained that the man in the pregnant lady’s life could get sympathy symptoms. Not that Rach has many. She had the morning sickness during her first trimester but she moved into her second one last week and no longer gets sick like that. Other than that, she’s been fine. I imagine she’ll get more the further she gets along. She hasn’t had any cravings yet and I hope when she does it’s not anything weird. I don’t think I could stomach her eating crazy shit right now.

  Anyway, I’ve got the sleeping thing down. I find myself wanting to take a nap like three times a day. Then I have the stupid dreams about Annabella. Well, they aren’t really dreams, more like her voice pops in and wakes me up. Then I’ve been feeling nauseous a lot, which is another sign of pregnancy. I had to pretend I lost signal with Uncle Grayson because after the symptom talk, he wanted to know why I’ve been avoiding my mother.

  Everyone is all up in my business.

  What else is new?

  “I’m getting up now, G!” I yell back, picking up my shirt off the floor. I left my jeans on, but that’s only because I was way too tired to even think about taking them off.

  I finally make it downstairs but the sound of Nathan’s voice makes me pause and listen. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea. He’s not ready to talk to her.”

  “I know, but he’s getting married tomorrow and she’ll be there. You’ve met his mother, she’ll make a scene just because he hasn’t talked to her in weeks,” a deep voice answers him. It’s Channing.

  “I vote we just take him out like we planned. He doesn’t want to talk to his mother. He’s getting married to Rachel tomorrow. That’s more than enough to worry about. Don’t add in getting him to talk to his mother. I want the dude to have a good night, so he will, in fact, marry my sister tomorrow.” That is Royal, obviously.

  “I get it, I do, but I’m thinking about Pierce and Rachel here. Do you really think they need to have Lily making a huge scene on their big day? And she will, because he’s been ignoring her. Ash said she’s going nuts. Ash thinks she’s about to blow,” Channing tells them, his voice very serious.

  Suddenly I walk into the kitchen and look the three guys over. Then I make a decision for Rach. I want our wedding to go off without a hitch and Ma would make a scene. She’s just that dramatic. “Let’s go talk to her then. I want Rach to have a worry-free day. I want our wedding to be perfect for her.”

  Channing gives me a tight smile. Royal glares at Channing and so does Nathan.

  Hands wrap around my waist, a chin rests against my shoulder and a protruding belly bumps into my back. My Rach. “I think you need to talk to her regardless. I’ve been saying that for weeks. So has Wesley. But I didn’t want to push you. I love you too much to make you do anything.” She kisses my neck and I close my eyes letting the feel of her lips pour through my body. “I love you, but you are the most stubborn man alive. Everything will be fine, you’ll see. I know you think you’ll hurt her, bringing it up, but I think she needs to release it. She needs to get that out of her. She’ll be free and so will you.”

  “Fuck Rach, when the hell did you grow up?” Royal barks out on a laugh.

  I can’t see her but I know she’s rolling her eyes at him. “I don’t know, probably when I got knocked up or when I moved in with Court or when I decided to get married. Pick one of those.”

  “Such a smartass,” I mutter, turning around in her arms and placing my hands on her wider hips. “I love you, too, G.” Then I kiss her softly. “It’s going to be hard to sleep without you tonight.” And it will be. I’ve spent the last three months with her in my bed.

  We decided we wanted to have the wedding ceremony while everyone was still here. Which means this wedding will be happy and sad. Wes and Royal will be leaving next week for college. Channing and Paisley are headed to Boston the week after that. Donovan is leaving in two days, not that I’ve gotten to see him much this summer. But he’s my brother; I’ll see him and hear about him more than the others. Nathan, luckily, is going to a private college in Dallas, so he’ll still be here.

  I was worried about all of Rachel’s friends leaving, but then I wasn’t because she’s gotten close to Ashley. I don’t even know when that happened but I’ve caught them gabbing on the phone like three times, in the past day.

  “I know. But tomorrow we get to go to Cancun! And that involves a tiny bikini and lots of sex,” she tells me with a huge smile on her face. Royal makes a gagging noise in the background and I laugh. “Now get going. This might be a small bachelorette party but it’s going to be the best one ever.” She kisses me quickly and then breaks out of my arms. Then she points at Royal, Nathan, and Channing. “No strippers! And no hookers!”

  They all give her “what the fuck” looks. Paisley and Wes would have their balls, and Nathan doesn’t do strippers or hookers. The poor boy would probably faint. “I didn’t think that through,” Rachel mutters, tapping her index finger against her chin.

  Royal walks over to her and kisses her cheek. “No, you didn’t.”

  We all say our goodbyes to the girls and head out to Channing’s Range Rover. He’s the only one of us who owns two cars, but since his other car is a Jag, I think the Range Rover comes in handy when he has to drive a bunch of people around.

  I sit in the back with Nathan and they all talk around me. I’m too nervous and tense to even say anything. I can only imagine the pain I’m about to inflict on my mother.

  I know you might think I’m stupid or something, but I’m not. I already know what she’s going to tell me. It’s one of two things. Either Channing and I share a father or Ma was still in love with Channing’s father and gave me the name he didn’t get to use. I’m older than Channing by a few months, so I could see the second one. Channing’s father would have known what my name was and had to name Channing something else.

  But I know that’s not the truth. When Channing told me what Ash and him found, I knew Channing’s suspicions were true. My father hated me. He loved Van. Can you put two and two together?

  I did.

  Channing must have texted Ashley because she’s standing out in the driveway waiting for us. I’ve been avoiding Ash too, but that’s easier, because she works all the time. The one thing Ashley wanted to do in her life was take care of wounded and sick animals. She finally got out of vet school but now she has to intern with another vet before she can open her own place. They take care of sick farm animals too, so she has to travel out to farms and ranches all over Texas and into Arkansas. She’s really busy.

  “Mom has no idea. I wanted to tell you so many times, Courtney. So many t
imes I would look at you and my mouth would open but then I would see you standing by Mom’s hospital bed. You were so broken and so strong all at once. I didn’t want to put you through that kind of pain again,” Ashley rambles the second she gets my door open. Tears flow down her face and the sight makes my heart clench. Ash crying is like being stabbed repeatedly. She’s always so happy and seeing her this hurt, it’s awful. “Mom tried to act like she was fine but I know she wasn’t. Isn’t. She still lives with the guilt of what happened to you. When she thinks I’m gone or not in the room, she’ll look out the window and start crying. And I’m talking huge, racking sobs.” I throw my arms around her and shove my face in her neck. Ashley always smells like apples and the smell brings back happy memories. Ash was just as much a mother to me as my mother. She kissed just as many boo boos and read me stories at night. “I just want all the pain to go away. I just want it all out in the open, so we can all move on. The truth will set everyone free,” she whispers against my ear.

  Her body trembles and I wish I could get Victor here. When it comes down to it, Victor is the only one Ash wants to hold her. She told me once it was like magic. She could be close to hysterics and all he had to do was hold her and she would be fine again. He kept all these demons at bay. He’s not here now and that’s why this has come out in the open. She still let Channing handle telling me, but I think that’s because Ash doesn’t like to hurt people. Channing might be her brother, but she’s not as close to him as she is to me. Or Ma or Donovan. Plus, if she hurt him, he wouldn’t show it. Channing would hide it because he’s a good brother, not because he wants to appear strong.

  I guess now I’m thankful for the bastard. Or, am I the bastard?

  I cup Ashley’s cheeks and look into her gray eyes. “You are my big sister. You are my family. You love me and I love you. No matter what happens or what Ma tells us, that stuff will never change. You will always be in my heart, Ash. You can’t blame yourself for this. I figure this stems from emotional damage to Ma. And you’re right, she needs to let it go.” I kiss her forehead and release her.

  I don’t look to see that Channing and Royal fall in behind me on my way into the house. I don’t see Nathan place his arm on Ashley’s shoulder and walk her behind us. I’m too busy looking at the face of my mother looking back at me from the open front door.

  “It’s nice to see my baby has finally come to see his mother,” she states, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Ma, we need to talk. Go back in the house and please don’t be dramatic about it. I’m really not in the mood,” I tell her, stopping right in front of her.

  “I just want to know who told you.” I can see it in her eyes, that she wants to scream and rant and rave. But she’s going to hold on to her strong front. Even when she wants to break down and beat herself up about it, she’s going to be strong for me.

  I pull her arms off of her chest and grab her hand. I pull her into the house and ignore Donovan who’s standing in the kitchen doorway. “Channing told me. Ashley told him. Ashley found some love letters between you and him.”

  The brave front suddenly falls away. Her face pales as she looks away from me and to Ash who is sitting on the other couch now. Nathan sits beside her and knowing him, he’s ready to comfort her if she gets too upset. He might be considered socially awkward but the boy only has love to give. He can’t stand to see someone in pain.

  Donovan comes to sit on the other side of Ash. Royal and Channing stand in front of the couch Ma and I are sitting on. I don’t realize it right away, but they are standing guard for me. The second they realized how much I love Rachel, I was one of them and they protect their own.

  “He…he kept the letters?” Ma asks Ash very softly.

  Ash nods her head but doesn’t say a word.

  Ma takes a deep breath and squeezes my hand. “I thought maybe Grayson had told you. He didn’t think it was right that I kept it from you. Especially after you gave so much crap to Channing for ignoring Ashley. But I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t tell you about a father that wasn’t even alive anymore. Not after you saved me. Not after you saved this entire family.”

  I swallow hard. “Start from the beginning. I want to hear it all.”

  She nods and looks down at her feet. “I met Sean when I was twenty-two years old. He was sixteen years older than me and I didn’t even think of him that way. Not for a long time. He won me over slowly and I was twenty-four before he asked me to marry him.” She swallows hard and looks up at me. “Your Uncle Grayson had a huge fit. He didn’t understand us, no one really understood us. Sean had never been married before and he was forty years old.”

  She smiles over at Ashley now, the memories happy ones. “Then nine months later Ashley came bouncing into the world and I couldn’t have been happier. I loved Sean so much and he had always wanted children. Sean was the only man who understood me, who didn’t care that I was crazy, loud and insecure. I’ve never had anyone love me like that.”

  She stops and I can feel the tension floating around the room. I squeeze her hand, urging her on. “This part always gets me.” She wipes a tear from her eye, still hurt over something that happened over twenty years ago. “Sean was cheating on me. He had been cheating on me long before we got married. It was never with the same woman, so he wasn’t having some grand affair. He was just addicted to sex.

  “I left him, Ashley in tow. She was three and I asked Sean to stay away from us. I think it messed with his head because he was never the happy man I loved again. I met Peter shortly after I divorced Sean. I never really loved Peter. I loved that he gave me Donovan, but Donovan was the reason we had to get married. I told Peter I didn’t want any more children. Two was enough for me, but Peter wanted a little girl. Ashley wasn’t his, so he didn’t care about her.” She closes her eyes and has a death grip on my hand. “Peter started hitting me shortly after Donovan was born because I didn’t want any more kids. He thought he was going to beat me into submission. I ran from him with Ashley and Donovan. I ended up at Sean’s doorstep. He wasn’t with Channing’s mother then. I was so emotionally wrecked; I slept with Sean that night.

  “I found out three months later that I was pregnant. I had gone back to Peter by then because he threatened to take Donovan and never let me see him. He wouldn’t agree to a divorce. I was his meal ticket; he didn’t have any money without me. I thought telling him you were Sean’s would finally get me what I wanted, but it only made it worse. And that’s because…” she sobs, her face falling to her now upturned palm. She sits there for awhile just crying. I’m numb though, because I can’t feel this right now. I can’t let this bring me down, not the day before my wedding. She finally looks up at me and that’s when the grief of what happened hits me, like a rock off the top of a cliff. “Because it was true.”

  “I went to Sean for help, but he was already with Channing’s mother. They wouldn’t have known she was pregnant then, but it didn’t matter. She was even younger than me and had him wrapped around her finger. I didn’t tell him about you, not until he saw me at a function and he could tell I was pregnant. The only thing he asked was that I name you Courtney. He said he wanted you to have a piece of him because he knew I wouldn’t tell you. He knew I wouldn’t do that to you.” Her eyes drop back to her feet and I lose it.

  “You’re telling me that you didn’t want me to know? You didn’t want me to know that I wasn’t that monster’s child? You didn’t want me to know I had another brother? The brother I put through hell because he wouldn’t acknowledge Ashley? I feel like I’m the dirty little secret. I’m not who I thought I was! I’m not a fucking Pierce! People call me by that name and it’s not even mine!” I scream, jumping up from the couch causing Ashley to gasp. Hell, I forgot anyone else was in the room.

  Ma stands up and grabs my face. “You are not my dirty little secret. You are my baby and I love you more than life itself. You had to kill Peter because he would have killed both of us. He couldn’t stand the fact th
at I wouldn’t have a child with him, but I got knocked up by Sean. He lost his mind and that day…that horrible, horrible day I was trying to leave him. I couldn’t put you in the line of fire anymore. You didn’t come out like Sean, not like Ashley and Channing. No, you are all me. I don’t care who donated the sperm, Courtney. You are all mine. I have never nor will I ever regret you.” My hands come up to her wrists but I don’t shove her away from me like I want to. “You’ve always walked your own path. You grew up when you were seven because I couldn’t protect you. And you became the man of the house when you were the youngest person in it. There was no point in even telling you about Sean because he has already passed. And I didn’t want the kids to look at you differently because both your parents were married to other people when you were born. And they would have. Children are the worst bullies. They don’t yet know the impact they have on others. They don’t know their words can break someone down and destroy a life. You’d had enough Courtney. I didn’t want to give you more.” She’s sobbing now, trying to get me to listen and I do. I do listen. But that doesn’t mean I like it.

  “You should have told me! I would have wanted to fucking know! I can handle anything that life throws at me but I can’t handle the people I love hiding shit from me. The three of you were always closer to each other than to me. And I know why now.” I turn away from her and head toward the front door, no longer giving a fuck what anyone in this room wants to say. “You wanted to protect me for the wrong reasons. How do you think I feel now, mother? I feel pain. All I feel is pain. Don’t you think I’ve had enough of that in my life?” Then I slam the door in her face because she was stupid enough to follow me.

  I make it to Channing’s Range Rover and lean against the passenger side door. I hear the front door open and then close. I don’t turn around to see who it is. I don’t give a fuck. The only thing I give a fuck about now is Rachel and my child. They are all that matters.