Mr. Monk Is a Mess

by Lee Goldberg

  And on a strictly personal level, if you don’t count my late husband, my relationship with Monk was the most enduring, and in some ways the most intimate and emotionally complex, that I’d ever had with a man.

  Or anyone.

  It wasn’t over, either. It was just changing. Even so, I was going to feel his absence in my daily life more profoundly than anything else that I was leaving behind.

  And I knew he’d feel it just as deeply, even though he was staying home and continuing, as best he could, with his life as it was before.

  I couldn’t leave him without making sure there was someone he could rely on until he found a new assistant. I knew he was more self-sufficient than he’d ever been before, and that the captain would be around. Still, he’d need someone to run interference for him, to drive him places, and to help him deal with the simple, everyday tasks in life that are accomplished easily and even mindlessly by you and me, but that can become insurmountable for him and drive him crazy.

  Literally crazy.

  The problem was, I had no idea where to find someone with the right temperament, who not only could handle his eccentricities and his demands but would be at ease taking him to a bloody crime scene.

  Julie came over one night to help me pack and to sort through all of her old stuff, so I shared my predicament with her and, to my astonishment, she volunteered for the job. At least temporarily.

  She didn’t do it as a favor to me or out of any great affection or concern for Monk. She did it because she needed money and couldn’t find a more flexible part-time job that she could fit around her class schedule (though you can never predict when a murder might happen).

  Monk was glad, and I’m sure more than a little relieved, to have her as a temporary assistant, although he framed it more as an opportunity for him to step in as a surrogate parent in my absence and to provide all the life lessons that I’d failed to impart.

  “For instance, I’ll introduce her to disinfectants and cleansers,” he said, “and I’ll instruct her in the proper use of a handy implement that we, in the civilized world, call a broom.”

  I didn’t share any of that with Julie, of course. I didn’t want her to quit before she even got started.

  When my last day in the city finally came, I had Julie take me to Monk’s apartment on our way to the airport so I could make sure the two of them were all set and so I could say good-bye.

  We gathered in Monk’s living room and I handed Julie my big purse.

  “You’re going to need this now,” I said. “It holds a day’s supply of Wet Ones, evidence bags, Fiji water, rubber gloves, and Advil.”

  She slung it over her shoulder and looked at Monk. “I didn’t know that he took pain relievers.”

  “He doesn’t,” I said. “They’re for you. So are the Rolaids.”

  “I make it look easy,” Monk said, “but this is a stressful job.”

  She furrowed her brow. I’m sure she was wondering whether he genuinely didn’t get what I was saying or if he was playing with her. She’d have to learn to figure that out on her own.

  “Don’t worry about Julie,” Monk said. “I’ll take good care of her while you’re away.”

  “I think it’s the other way around,” Julie said. “I’ll be taking care of you.”

  Monk shook his head. “Your mother thought the same thing when she started to work for me and look how it turned out.”

  He had a point. I felt myself getting choked up. I cleared my throat and willed myself not to cry.

  “I’m going to miss you, Mr. Monk.”

  “I’d like it if you’d call me Adrian.”

  “I’ll be back to visit and I’ll probably call you a lot for advice.”

  “I’d like that,” Monk said.

  I took a step forward and gave him a hug, which he didn’t resist, and I kissed him lightly on the cheek. As I pulled away, he kissed me back, taking me utterly by surprise.

  I guess it showed on my face.

  “I hope I didn’t offend you,” he said.

  “No, of course not. It was sweet,” I said. “It’s just that you’ve never kissed me before.”

  “I couldn’t. Up until now, you were my employee. But now you’re my best friend.”

  I might have lost it, and started sobbing like a baby, if the doorbell hadn’t rung at that precise moment.

  “I’ll get it,” Julie said and went to the door.

  She opened it and I was stunned to see Ellen Morse standing outside. But I wasn’t half as stunned as Monk was. He froze.

  “Hello, may I help you?” Julie said.

  “My name is Ellen Morse,” she said. “And you must be Julie Teeger.”

  “Have we met before?” Julie asked.

  “No, but you have your mother’s eyes,” Morse said, smiling at me. “And her purse. May I come in?”

  Julie looked back at Monk and me for approval, but we were both too surprised to say anything.

  “Mr. Monk?” Julie prodded.

  “Yes, of course, come in,” Monk said, stepping forward to greet her. “What are you doing here?”

  “You didn’t leave me much choice,” she said. “You told me you weren’t coming back.”

  “I hope you didn’t come here to try to talk me out of it because my mind is made up.”

  “No,” she said. “I came here to be with you.”

  “For a visit,” he said.

  “For good,” she said.

  Monk rolled his shoulders and tipped his head from side to side as if he’d just solved a crime. He hadn’t, of course. What he’d achieved was balance. A woman he loved was leaving his life and now another woman that he loved, even if he couldn’t admit it to himself, was stepping in. It was the universe keeping things in order.

  Experiencing balance like that was as close to happy as he ever got. I hoped Morse could sense that.

  “But what about your home?” Monk asked. “And your store?”

  “I can sell crap anywhere, Adrian,” she said. “But I don’t think I can be happy anymore without you. So I’m moving to San Francisco.”

  “You are?”

  “I’m standing here, aren’t I?” she said. “You haven’t said that you’re glad to see me.”

  “I am, of course,” Monk said. “But the chances are that this isn’t going to work out.”

  “We won’t know until we try,” she said.

  “I just thought of something great,” he said. “If you’re moving here, you don’t have to sell poop anymore. You can make a clean break. And I want to emphasize clean.”

  “She sells poop?” Julie said.

  “All kinds,” I said.

  “I’m going to keep my store in Summit and open up another one here,” Morse said.

  “But you could get a respectable job instead,” he said.

  “And you could stop investigating murders and do something that isn’t so bloody and grim,” she said. “Like working with me.”

  “When hell freezes over,” Monk said. “And you’ll know when that happens because your store will be encased in ice.”

  Adrian Monk was staying home, and keeping his old job, but I could see that he was in for some tumultuous changes, too, whether he liked it or not.

  I was so happy I could have broken into song, but I suppressed the urge. I walked to the door with a smile on my face while Monk and Morse continued their argument.

  “It looks like there are going to be some exciting times ahead for all of you,” I whispered to Julie as I passed her.

  “Easy for you to say,” she said, joining me and closing the door behind us. “You won’t be around.”

  I took my daughter’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “But I can’t wait to hear all about it.”

  Click here for more books by this Author

  The Monk Series

  Mr. Monk Is a Mess

  Mr. Monk on Patrol

  Mr. Monk on the Couch

  Mr. Monk on the Road

  Mr. Monk Is Cleane
d Out

  Mr. Monk in Trouble

  Mr. Monk and the Dirty Cop

  Mr. Monk Is Miserable

  Mr. Monk Goes to Germany

  Mr. Monk in Outer Space

  Mr. Monk and the Two Assistants

  Mr. Monk and the Blue Flu

  Mr. Monk Goes to Hawaii

  Mr. Monk Goes to the Firehouse