Holding Out For Love (Windswept Bay Book 5)

by Debra Clopton

  Jillian’s insides trembled. “Yes. I’d like that.”

  He smiled and her day seemed a little brighter. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard since I arrived back in town.” He looked at her cart. “Do you think we need your two gallons and my single?”

  She smiled. “Maybe I’ll put mine back.”

  “Sounds like a plan. I’ll wait right here.”

  All the way down the row, she felt him watching her and she felt the hum of anticipation singing through her as the voice inside her head started to chant, “Keep calm and proceed with caution.”

  A few minutes after running into Jillian buying ice cream, Ryan led the way to a picnic table at a small park that overlooked the sparkling bay. The park was a popular place but he found a table off to the side and set the carton of ice cream on the table. Families played on the beach but the wide span of sand kept them out of the hub of everything, giving them a semblance of privacy. He was happy at the unexpected turn of events. Having been feeling down as he’d gone to the store to buy something to help ease his worry, he’d never expected to find Jillian there.

  The sun-bronzed late afternoon sky sent golden rays reflecting off the blue waters, making it a stunning day. But nothing was more stunning to him than Jillian.

  They sat on the same side of the picnic table so they could face the water, though she left ample room between them. He was just glad she was here.

  “I’m thinking this is going to be amazing.” He took the lid off the ice cream and then reached in the bag and pulled out a spoon and offered one to her.

  “Thank you.” She looked out at the water. “It’s beautiful here.” She smiled at him and nearly took his breath away.

  Jillian had grown into a beautiful woman, with her soft honey-blonde hair and delicate features. But she’d always been a pretty girl with a gracious and sweet spirit about her. “I think so too.” He couldn’t help staring at her. “I still remember the first time that we discovered that we both loved the same ice cream. It was the summer before your senior year in high school and we were all at a Fourth of July celebration your parents were throwing. They were teasing you for not being a ‘normal’ girl in love with chocolate.”

  “I remember that. And you said it was your favorite too.” Jillian smiled again. “I remember being surprised that a guy liked ice cream with candied pecans and caramel.”

  He laughed. “I guess it’s not the most masculine-sounding ice cream.”

  “Maybe not but it’s the best.”

  He dipped his spoon into one side of the softened dessert and took a bite. Jillian did the same on the other side of the carton. The flavors of vanilla, caramel, and brown sugar-coated pecans filled his mouth. “Yup, it is still the best.”

  “It is. And when it’s soft and creamy, it’s unbeatable.” She took another spoonful and smiled as she took the bite.

  They ate in companionable silence for the next few moments. Finally, he paused. “Jillian, I owe you an explanation.”

  “Not really. I mean, you had no idea your best friend’s kid sister thought she was in love with you. You hadn’t done anything to bring that on. You were always just you, a really nice guy. That night was just a real mess.” She dipped the spoon into the ice cream and stirred the quickly melting treat. “I was young and naïve. I’m ever grateful that you turned down my…offer. I’m mortified that I made such an advance at you. You were so stunned when I practically attacked you.”

  Her cheeks were pink now as she spoke and he could only imagine how embarrassed she must feel remembering that moment when she not only smothered him in kisses, but told him she loved him and offered to sleep with him. It had scared the daylights out of him.

  This was Jillian, after all.

  Nice, shy Jillian. And she’d been out of control.

  The one person he’d never expected to make him a proposition and she’d done it.

  “You were not you that night. We both know that.”

  She nodded and took a quick bite of ice cream.

  “I cared for you, Jillian.”

  She set the spoon down and stiffened. “I’m sure you did. I was the kid sister. One of four. And your reaction was exactly as it should have been—”

  He placed a hand on her arm. His pulse kicked in at touching her. “I cared, Jillian.”

  “Yes, I know. But I shouldn’t have expected you to feel more. What did I know? I was too young anyway.”

  “Jillian, I cared about you,” he said firmly, trying to get through to her. “I just had so much that had happened. I was leaving. I was going…undercover. I had nothing to offer you and you deserved so much more.”

  She stared at him, her eyes muted with confusion. Or disbelief.

  “I needed you to know I cared. You are a very special woman. I’ve always thought so. I had too much going on in my life back then and you were young. I had set in motion the destination of my life and for me to tell you I cared would have been unfair to you.”

  She looked stunned. “You cared?” she repeated cautiously. “As in, cared in a romantic way? Not in a ‘you’re my best friend’s tagalong little sister’ cared?”

  He smiled, not at all sure where this conversation was going or what she was thinking. “I did. But nothing would have been gained by me telling you that. My hope was that you moved on, found love and have had a wonderful life.”

  Jillian’s brows crinkled over puzzled eyes. “I have moved on. That was a long time ago.”

  “Then why have you been so angry with me?” Why was he pushing? He should let it go.

  “Because I was embarrassed you didn’t tell me you were leaving. You just left. Levi told us later that you’d gone deep undercover. We knew it had to do with your sister’s overdose. But I guess I thought you could have told me that night you were leaving.”

  His heart thumped hard and heavy in his chest. “You were worried about me?” He’d told himself she simply had a schoolgirl’s crush on him back then.

  “You were practically part of our family. Of course we were worried about you. And then I was angry at myself and embarrassed and mortified. But, then you never came back.”

  She studied him and unease filtered through him. Jillian didn’t need to be exposed to the world that he had been involved in for the last few years. “There was no need to worry about me. I was doing what I needed to do and it was…not a life I could share. Or would want to get anyone involved in.” He paused, wanting so much to tell her that he cared. Until now, he hadn’t understood completely how much he cared. “You didn’t need to be involved with someone like me. I thought you’d wake up and realize you’d had a bad night and move on. I am really surprised you haven’t married and had kids.”

  She blinked and her beautiful eyes dimmed. “No, not so far.” She blinked again as she looked out toward the kids romping on the sand.

  “I can’t believe that. Are the men here crazy?” Something didn’t feel right. Was that tears she kept blinking away?

  “I date.” She stood. “I guess we better throw this away before it makes a huge mess.” She reached for the melted ice cream in the carton and he did the same. Their hands collided, knocking it to the ground.

  “Sorry,” he said, stooping quickly; she did the same and they bumped heads. “Now I’m really sorry.”

  “It’s okay. We’re both hardheaded.” She laughed and rubbed her forehead as he scooped the carton up before its contents completely poured out onto the sand.

  Their eyes met and he wanted so much to kiss her in that moment. Instead, he stood and moved to the garbage can and turned his back as he stuffed the carton into the can.

  “Did you find someone while you’re gone?”

  Her question took him by surprise. He stiffened and thought of Marla. “No,” he said. “My work wasn’t conducive to relationships.” He turned to face her.

  She nodded and the air seemed charged with electricity as they studied each other. He wanted… He shook himself and shut down that thought
. “I just wanted to get things right between us. To make sure you knew you had nothing to be embarrassed about. I don’t like knowing you’re angry with me.”

  “We’re good. Pralines-and-cream heals all wounds.” She laughed softly and it dug deep into the dark corners of his heart. “Are you going back? I mean, after Jax gets back?”

  “I don’t know. To be honest, my cover was blown. I don’t know where I’m going next or what I’m going to do. So, you’re dating someone now?”

  “I’m…yes,” she said, after hesitating. “Abe, the contractor at the resort. We’ve been out a few times.”

  His mood dimmed. “Then, that’s good.”

  “Yes. Good.”

  They walked out toward the parking lot in silence. When they reached her car, he opened the door for her and she turned toward him. They were close; their gazes locked. He couldn’t help himself. He bent and kissed her cheek and then stepped back. “You take care of yourself, Jillian. I’ll see you around.”

  She nodded. “I’ll be here.” She got into her car and pulled the door closed. She met his gaze through the window and then she drove away.

  He swallowed the lump in his throat as he watched her disappear down the street.

  She deserved more, better than the man he had become and he knew it. But it took everything he had in him not to go after her.

  Chapter Five

  She hadn’t slept.

  Not one little wink…and Jillian was feeling it as she entered the office the next morning. Cali, Olivia, and Shar were huddled in deep conversation around the coffee machine and instantly looked guilty when they saw her. They were all supposed to be meeting to discuss the upcoming Thanksgiving Day celebration but in all honesty her heart couldn’t celebrate, no matter how hard she tried.

  Jillian strode into the mix, grabbed a mug and filled it with coffee…her fourth of the morning. Yes, she’d already had three cups at her house after tossing and turning, her mind warring over what to do with her life. Giving up, she’d crawled out of bed and brewed a pot of coffee and headed to the back deck. And there she’d sat, alone, drinking cup after cup of coffee in her charming garden beneath a romantic starlit sky, watching moonlight dance over the shimmering water.

  “We’re glad you’re here.” Cali sounded nervous. “We wanted to talk to you.”

  Jillian sank into her desk chair and took a cautious sip before she looked up to connect with her sisters’ varying looks of dismay and worry.

  “Something is wrong,” Olivia said. “We’re worried about you.”

  “I’m fine.” But Jillian knew she wasn’t. She should have been adjusting to the news from the doctor but she wasn’t. A heaviness hung over her that felt like quicksand pulling at her.

  “No, you’re not.” Shar’s eyes flashed. “You look ragged and you have your shirt on inside out. That is not fine.”

  Jillian glanced at her T-shirt. “Well, that’s a bummer.”

  “Okay.” Olivia came over; her sisters trailed behind. “That does it. What is going on?”

  “Yes, honey,” Cali said, concern etched across her delicate features. “You’ve been acting unlike yourself for days. Ever since my party. I know we’ve been busy and you’ve been out there working on the landscape, but we’ve been watching. And I haven’t forgotten that you were redder than your favorite rose that night at the party. And you practically climbed into my refrigerator. That isn’t the calm, cool, and collected Jillian we all know.”

  “And,” Shar jumped in. “We saw you on the porch with Ryan. Then he left early. And you did too. Is there something going on between you two and you are afraid to tell us?”

  That startled her.

  Shar gasped. “There is! I knew it.”

  “No, there isn’t,” Jillian denied. But she knew it was no use. She’d felt weird, disconnected ever since talking to the doctor and now Ryan was constantly on her mind. She had a great fear that she was about to do something totally and completely off the wall if she didn’t talk to someone. If she didn’t let someone talk her off the ledge.

  “Now why do I not believe you?” Cali asked. “Ryan is a great guy. You used to idolize him growing up.”

  “You did,” Olivia agreed. “You never said so but we all knew it was true. You never took your eyes off him when he was around.”

  So much for keeping secrets from her sisters.

  Shar smiled. “I think we all probably had a crush on him at some point. Only you still have one, don’t you?”

  “Okay, yes. I used to have a crush on him. But seven years is a lot of age difference.”

  “In school,” Shar retorted. “Not in the adult world. It’s a perfect age difference.”

  “It is. And if you still like him, you and Abe have just gone out a few times. Is that worrying you?”

  Jillian set her coffee down. “No. That’s not it.” She rubbed her temple, where her head had started to throb. She hadn’t said the words out loud yet. Only the doctor had said the words out loud. What—did she think if she kept them inside and hidden that they wouldn’t be true?

  She looked at Cali. “I just found out, the day of your party, that I may not be able to have children.” Her sisters gasped as she continued, “And, if I am able to have children, I need to have them sooner, not later. Like now.”

  The room went silent as her sweet sisters paled. They knew how much she wanted kids.

  Cali’s eyes welled with tears. “Why didn’t you tell us? You’ve known this all week?” She wrapped her arms around Jillian. “I’m so sorry.”

  Jillian’s heart squeezed tight and she fought down the emotion knotted in a tight fist inside her. A tear slipped out of her eye and rolled on her cheek anyway.

  “Why?” Olivia asked. “I’m so sorry, but why is the doctor saying this?”

  “There was a long list of reasons, as it turns out. But, it boils down to the fact that my endometriosis is strangling the life out of my ovaries and just being a bully. And there are some other problems that are only going to get worse. And quickly. It’s just not good.”

  There, she’d said it.

  Shar hadn’t said anything and Jillian glanced at her usually blunt sister, who was unusually silent.

  Jillian swiped a tear away with her fingertips. “I keep trying to focus on all the blessings that I have and that there still is a chance. And that I can adopt. But, I wake up every morning and can barely make myself get out of bed. Every moment that I’m not trying to have a baby is lost time.”

  “You need a man.” Shar finally spoke. “And you need him yesterday.”

  Jillian stared at Shar, startled that she was saying the exact words that Jillian’s heart kept telling her.

  Cali shot Shar a frown. “Don’t tease her at a moment like this.”

  Shar looked unaffected. “I’m not teasing. I’m stating a fact.”

  “Well,” Olivia said, cautiously. “You do have a point. But, really Shar, now is not the time—”

  “Now is exactly the time,” Shar disagreed. “She is running out of time. Didn’t you hear her?”

  Jillian watched her sisters having the battle that had been warring inside her head for a week.

  Sympathy filled Cali’s eyes. “Jillian, you don’t need to be desperate. I mean, you’re gorgeous; you’re a sweet and amazing person—which is the most important thing. A man will come along and be so blessed to have you for a wife and mother of his children. God’s got this.”

  “Right,” Olivia said. “There is someone special out there for you. Ryan is back in town.”

  “He’s an undercover agent,” Jillian finally managed to say.

  Olivia frowned. “Right. But he might not go back. And Abe!” she exclaimed. “He’s still in the picture and amazing.”

  “He is a great guy. He’s perfect but I don’t…feel anything special when I’m with him.”

  Her sisters stared at her.

  “That would be a problem,” Shar said. “You have got to feel sparks and butterf
lies and goose bumps.”

  “Love. She’s got to feel love,” Cali admonished Shar.

  “Hey, back off, big sis. I totally believe love is number one. But all that other comes into play too.”

  Jillian took a deep breath.

  “Maybe if you spend more time with Abe?” Olivia continued, looking hopeful.

  “What do you feel when you’re around Ryan?” Cali asked, a glint in her green eyes.

  Jillian felt her cheeks burn. She stood up at the thought of Ryan that first evening when he showed up at Cali’s house and then again sitting at the picnic table eating ice cream. She had felt undeniable chemistry with Ryan. She tried not to think about her humiliating display of desperation the night of her prom.

  Shar laughed. “If her flaming cheeks are a sign, then there are definitely fireworks. That explains why you nearly crawled into the refrigerator at Cali’s.”

  “It’s true.” Jillian cringed. “So true and I just don’t know what to do.”

  “You spend time with him,” Olivia said.

  “Right.” Cali placed her hands on her hips. “Girl, you come out of your shell. He kept his eyes on you, too, so don’t think this is one-sided. I saw the way he kept looking at you.”

  Butterflies fluttered just thinking about that. “But it’s just not that easy. I can’t in all good conscience not tell someone I date that I may not be able to have a baby. And isn’t that the perfect thing to say on a first date?”

  Shar cringed. “Oh, that is a problem.”

  “Not with Ryan,” Cali defended. “He’s practically part of the family.”

  “I can’t do it.” Jillian glared at her sisters. “Don’t think I haven’t been thinking about this. It’s driving me crazy. I’m desperate but…I don’t think I can tell a man up front how desperate I am. And I can’t not tell someone for fear he will fall for me and then learn I can’t give him a baby. It’s horrible.”