Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
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What makes these situations so hard to face? It’s our fear of the consequences — whether we raise the issue or try to avoid it.
The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront, It Seems There Is No Good Path
We all know this dilemma. We go round and round on the same questions — Should I raise this? Or should I keep it to myself?
Perhaps the neighbors’ dog keeps you up at night. “Should I talk to them?” you wonder. At first, you decide not to: “Maybe the barking will stop. Maybe I’ll get used to it.” But then the dog barks again, and you resolve that tomorrow you are going to talk to the neighbors once and for all.
Now you lie awake for a different reason. The thought of getting into a fight with the neighbors about their dog makes you nervous. You want the neighbors to like you; maybe you’re overreacting. Eventually, you come back to thinking it’s better to say nothing, and this calms your nerves. But just as you drop off to sleep, that darn dog howls again, and your cycle of indecision starts anew.
There doesn’t seem to be any choice that will allow you to sleep.
Why is it so difficult to decide whether to avoid or to confront? Because at some level we know the truth: If we try to avoid the problem, we’ll feel taken advantage of, our feelings will fester, we’ll wonder why we don’t stick up for ourselves, and we’ll rob the other person of the opportunity to improve things. But if we confront the problem, things might get even worse. We may be rejected or attacked; we might hurt the other person in ways we didn’t intend; and the relationship might suffer.
There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade
Desperate for a way out of the dilemma, we wonder if it is possible to be so tactful, so overwhelmingly pleasant that everything ends up fine.
Tact is good, but it’s not the answer to difficult conversations. Tact won’t make conversations with your father more intimate or take away your client’s anger over the increased bill. Nor is there a simple diplomatic way to fire your friend, to let your mother-in-law know that she drives you crazy, or to confront your colleagues’ hurtful prejudices.
Delivering a difficult message is like throwing a hand grenade. Coated with sugar, thrown hard or soft, a hand grenade is still going to do damage. Try as you may, there’s no way to throw a hand grenade with tact or to outrun the consequences. And keeping it to yourself is no better. Choosing not to deliver a difficult message is like hanging on to a hand grenade once you’ve pulled the pin.
So we feel stuck. We need advice that is more powerful than “Be diplomatic” or “Try to stay positive.” The problems run deeper than that; so must the answers.
This Book Can Help
There is hope. Working at the Harvard Negotiation Project with thousands of people on all kinds of difficult conversations, we have found a way to make these conversations less stressful and more productive. A way to deal creatively with tough problems while treating people with decency and integrity. An approach that is helpful to your peace of mind, whether or not others join in.
We are going to help you get out of the hand grenade business altogether, by getting you out of the business of delivering (and receiving) messages. We will show you how to turn the damaging battle of warring messages into the more constructive approach we call a learning conversation.
The Rewards Are Worth the Effort
Of course, changing how you deal with difficult conversations takes work. Like changing your golf swing, adapting to drive on the other side of the road, or learning a new language, the change can feel awkward at first. And it can feel threatening: breaking out of your comfort zone is rarely easy and is never risk-free. It requires you to look hard at yourself, and sometimes to change and grow. But better the ache of muscles growing from an unaccustomed workout than the sting of wounds from an unnecessary fight.
And the potential rewards are rich. If you follow the steps presented in this book, you will find difficult conversations becoming easier and causing less anxiety. You will be more effective and happier with the results. And as your anxiety goes down and your satisfaction goes up, you will find that you are choosing to engage more often in conversations that you should have been having all along.
In fact, the people we’ve worked with, who have learned new approaches to dealing with their most challenging conversations, report less anxiety and greater effectiveness in all of their conversations. They find they are less afraid of what others might say. They have a heightened sense of freedom of action in tough situations, more self-confidence, and a stronger sense of integrity and self-respect. They also learn that, more often than not, dealing constructively with tough topics and awkward situations strengthens a relationship. And that’s an opportunity too good to pass up.
Skeptical? A Few Thoughts
If you’re skeptical, that’s understandable. You may have been struggling with these issues for weeks, months, or years. The problems are complex, and the people involved are not easy to deal with. How can reading a book make a difference?
There are limits to how much you can learn about human interactions from a book. We don’t know the specifics of your situation, what is at stake for you, or where your particular weaknesses and strengths lie. But we have discovered that, regardless of context, the things that make difficult conversations difficult, and the errors in thinking and acting that compound those difficulties, are the same. We all share the same fears and fall into the same few traps. No matter what you are facing, or whom, there is something in this book that can help.
It is true that some situations are unlikely to improve regardless of how skilled you become. The people involved may be so emotionally troubled, the stakes so high, or the conflict so intense that a book — or even professional intervention — is unlikely to help. However, for every case that is truly hopeless, there are a thousand that appear hopeless but are not. People often come to us saying, “I want some advice, but I have to warn you, this situation is beyond fixing.” And they are wrong. Together we are able to find some avenue of change that ends up having a significant positive impact on the conversation.
Of course, you may not be ready or able to engage or reengage fully in a difficult situation or relationship. You may be grieving, licking your wounds, or just needing time away. You may be lost in anger or confused about what you want. But even if you are not yet ready to take on an actual conversation, this book can help you sort through your feelings and assist you as you find your way to a healthier place.
We Need to Look in New Places
What can we suggest that you haven’t already thought of? Probably quite a bit. Because the question isn’t whether you’ve been looking hard enough for the “answer” to difficult conversations, it’s whether you’ve been looking in the right places. At heart, the problem isn’t in your actions, it’s in your thinking. So long as you focus only on what to do differently in difficult conversations, you will fail to break new ground.
This book offers plenty of advice on how to conduct a difficult conversation. But first and more important, it will help you understand better what you’re up against and why it makes sense to shift from a “message delivery stance” to a “learning stance.” Only then will you be able to understand and implement the steps of a learning conversation.
Difficult Conversations Are a Normal Part of Life
No matter how good you get, difficult conversations will always challenge you. The authors know this from experiences in our own lives. We know what it feels like to be deeply afraid of hurting someone or of getting hurt. We know what it means to be consumed by guilt for how our actions have affected others, or for how we have let ourselves down. We know that even with the best of intentions, human relationships can corrode or become tangled, and, if we are honest, we also know that we don’t always have the best of intentions. We know just how fragile are the heart and the soul.
So it is best to keep your goals realistic. Eliminating fear and anxiety is an unrealistic goal. Reducing fear and anxiety and learning how
to manage that which remains are more obtainable. Achieving perfect results with no risk will not happen. Getting better results in the face of tolerable odds might.
And that, for most of us, is good enough. For if we are fragile, we are also remarkably resilient.
The Problem
• • • • •
1
Sort Out the Three Conversations
Jack is about to have a difficult conversation.
He explains: “Late one afternoon I got a call from Michael, a good friend and occasional client. ‘I’m in a tight spot,’ he told me. ‘I need a financial brochure laid out and printed by tomorrow afternoon.’ He said his regular designer was out and that he was under a lot of pressure.
“I was in the middle of another project, but Michael was a friend, so I dropped everything and worked late into the night on his brochure.
“Early the next morning Michael reviewed the mock-up and gave the go-ahead to have it printed. I had the copies on his desk by noon. I was exhausted, but I was glad I’d been able to help him out.
“Then I got back to my office and discovered this voice-mail message from Michael:
Well, you really screwed this one up! Look, Jack, I know you were under time pressure on this, but . . . . [sigh]. The earnings chart isn’t presented clearly enough, and it’s slightly off. It’s just a disaster. This is an important client. I assume you’ll fix it right away. Give me a call as soon as you get in.
“Well, you can imagine how I felt about that message. The chart was off, but microscopically. I called Michael right away.”
Their conversation went like this:
JACK: Hi, Michael, I got your message —
MICHAEL: Yeah, look Jack, this thing has to be done over.
JACK: Well, wait a second. I agree it’s not perfect, but the chart is clearly labeled. Nobody’s going to misunderstand —
MICHAEL: C’mon, Jack. You know as well as I do that we can’t send this thing out like this.
JACK: Well, I think that —
MICHAEL: There’s really nothing to argue about here. Look, we all screw up. Just fix it and let’s move on.
JACK: Why didn’t you say something about this when you looked at it this morning?
MICHAEL: I’m not the one who’s supposed to be proofreading. Jack, I’m under tremendous pressure to get this done and to get it done right. Either you’re on the team or you’re not. I need a yes or a no. Are you going to redo it?
JACK: [pause] Alright, alright. I’ll do it.
This exchange has all the hallmarks of a difficult conversation going off the rails. Months later, Jack still feels lousy about this conversation and his relationship with Michael remains strained. He wonders what he could have done differently, and what he should do about it now.
But before we get to that, let’s look at what Jack and Michael’s conversation can teach us about how difficult conversations work.
Decoding the Structure of Difficult Conversations
Surprisingly, despite what appear to be infinite variations, all difficult conversations share a common structure. When you’re caught up in the details and anxiety of a particular difficult conversation, this structure is hard to see. But understanding that structure is essential to improving how you handle your most challenging conversations.
There’s More Here Than Meets the Ear
In the conversation between Jack and Michael recounted above, the words reveal only the surface of what is really going on. To make the structure of a difficult conversation visible, we need to understand not only what is said, but also what is not said. We need to understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling but not saying to each other. In a difficult conversation, this is usually where the real action is.
Look at what Jack is thinking and feeling, but not saying, as this conversation proceeds:
* * *
What Jack Thought and Felt But Didn’t Say
* * *
How could he leave a message like that?! After I drop everything, break a dinner date with my wife, and stay up all night, that’s the thanks I get?!
* * *
What Jack and Michael Actually Said
* * *
JACK: Hi, Michael, I got your message —
MICHAEL: Yeah, look Jack, this thing has to be done over.
* * *
What Jack Thought and Felt But Didn’t Say
* * *
A total overreaction. Not even a CPA would be able to tell that the graph is off. At the same time, I’m angry with myself for making such a stupid mistake.
* * *
What Jack and Michael Actually Said
* * *
JACK: Well, wait a second. I agree it’s not perfect, but the chart is clearly labeled. Nobody’s going to misunderstand —
MICHAEL: C’mon, Jack, you know as well as I do that we can’t send this thing out like this.
* * *
* * *
What Jack Thought and Felt But Didn’t Say
Michael tries to intimidate colleagues into getting his way. But he shouldn’t treat me that way. I’m a friend! I want to stand up for myself, but I don’t want to get into a big fight about this. I can’t afford to lose Michael as a client or as a friend. I feel stuck.
What Jack and Michael Actually Said
JACK: Well, I think that —
MICHAEL: There’s really nothing to argue about here. Look, we all screw up. Just fix it and let’s move on.
What Jack Thought and Felt But Didn’t Say
Screw up!? This isn’t my fault. You approved it, remember?
What Jack and Michael Actually Said
JACK: Why didn’t you say something about this when you looked at it this morning?
MICHAEL: I’m not the one who’s supposed to be proofreading. I’m under tremendous pressure to get this done and to get it done right. Either you’re on the team or you’re not. I need a yes or a no. Are you going to redo it?
What Jack Thought and Felt But Didn’t Say
Is that how you see me? As a proofreader?
I’m sick of this whole thing. I’m going to be bigger than whatever pettiness is driving him. The best way out is for me just to be generous and redo it.
What Jack and Michael Actually Said
JACK: [pause] Alright, alright. I’ll do it.
* * *
donnaf Meanwhile, there’s plenty that Michael is thinking and feeling but not saying. Michael is wondering whether he should have hired Jack in the first place. He hasn’t been all that happy with Jack’s work in the past, but he decided to go out on a limb with his partners to give his friend another chance. Michael is now frustrated with Jack and confused about whether hiring Jack was a good decision — personally or professionally.
The first insight, then, is a simple one: there’s an awful lot going on between Jack and Michael that is not being spoken.
That’s typical. In fact, the gap between what you’re really thinking and what you’re saying is part of what makes a conversation difficult. You’re distracted by all that’s going on inside. You’re uncertain about what’s okay to share, and what’s better left unsaid. And you know that just saying what you’re thinking would probably not make the conversation any easier.
Each Difficult Conversation Is Really Three Conversations
In studying hundreds of conversations of every kind we have discovered that there is an underlying structure to what’s going on, and understanding this structure, in itself, is a powerful first step in improving how we deal with these conversations. It turns out that no matter what the subject, our thoughts and feelings fall into the same three categories, or “conversations.” And in each of these conversations we make predictable errors that distort our thoughts and feelings, and get us into trouble.
Everything problematic that Michael and Jack say, think, and feel falls into one of these three “conversations.” And everything in your difficult conversations does too.
1. The
“What Happened?” Conversation. Most difficult conversations involve disagreement about what has happened or what should happen. Who said what and who did what? Who’s right, who meant what, and who’s to blame? Jack and Michael tussle over these issues, both out loud and internally. Does the chart need to be redone? Is Michael trying to intimidate Jack? Who should have caught the error?
2. The Feelings Conversation. Every difficult conversation also asks and answers questions about feelings. Are my feelings valid? Appropriate? Should I acknowledge or deny them, put them on the table or check them at the door? What do I do about the other person’s feelings? What if they are angry or hurt? Jack’s and Michael’s thoughts are littered with feelings. For example, “This is the thanks I get?!” signals hurt and anger, and “I’m under tremendous pressure” reveals anxiety. These feelings are not addressed directly in the conversation, but they leak in anyway.
3. The Identity Conversation. This is the conversation we each have with ourselves about what this situation means to us. We conduct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable. What impact might it have on our self-image and self-esteem, our future and our well-being? Our answers to these questions determine in large part whether we feel “balanced” during the conversation, or whether we feel off-center and anxious. In the conversation between Jack and Michael, Jack is struggling with the sense that he has been incompetent, which makes him feel less balanced. And Michael is wondering whether he acted foolishly in hiring Jack.