Appreciative of Michael’s support in the past.
Sad that our friendship has fallen by the wayside.
* * *
Identity Issues
* * *
How does what happened threaten my identity?
Yikes! This probably does have a lot to do with my identity, mostly because I consider myself such a perfectionist. It’s hard to accept that I’d let such a silly mistake slip by me.
And more than that, I just wish I’d handled our conversation better. Usually I’m good at these things — managing client problems.
And now I’ve got the worst of both worlds. I didn’t stick up for myself, and I still lost Michael as a client and as a friend anyway.
* * *
This reinforced Jack’s determination to change this contribution and raise his feelings now. “Rethinking my assumptions about what happened succeeded in shaking my confidence that I was right and that the problem here was Michael,” says Jack. “Probably the biggest thing I realized was just that I didn’t really understand this thing at all from Michael’s perspective. I’m willing to try.”
Shaking your confidence may seem like a funny way to prepare for a conversation. But as a result, Jack is more open to hearing what Michael has to say, more curious about learning what he doesn’t know (like about Michael’s intentions, or what Michael thinks Jack has contributed). And in an important sense, Jack is more confident. Accepting his own role in the problem has helped him to feel more grounded rather than less. While he’s no longer sure that his story is “right” and that Michael’s is “wrong,” Jack is absolutely certain that each of their stories matters.
Step Two: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise It
Most important, Jack feels more secure that raising these issues is a good thing to try regardless of how Michael reacts. “At first, as I considered whether to raise this issue again, I thought, ‘Well, what if Michael thinks it’s not important, or just brushes it off? Then I’ll feel foolish, or like I failed.’ I played with the idea of not raising things, but I would have been running away rather than making a clear-headed choice to let go.
“So I wanted to raise it, but I was nervous. Then I remembered the advice about not trying to control the other person’s reaction. I’m raising it because I think it’s important, and I’m going to do it as well as I can, and if Michael isn’t interested in talking, or if he isn’t open, well, at least I tried, and I can feel good that I stuck up for myself.”
Below, we present parts of the conversation between Jack and Michael as it might realistically go — with one difference: to put what Jack is doing well and less well into higher relief, we’re giving him a consultant to coach him when he gets stuck. We’re also going to give Jack the chance to start and stop, and to start over if things aren’t going quite right.
Step Three: Start from the Third Story
Below, Jack’s first try at getting started, and the result.
JACK: Listen, Michael, say what you will, but the problem on that financial brochure was that after all the work I did, you treated me badly, and you know it!
MICHAEL: The problem on that project was that I had the poor judgment to use you in the first place. I’ll never make that mistake again!
JACK: Okay, cut. This isn’t going right.
COACH: What went wrong?
JACK: I don’t know. He didn’t react very well.
COACH: Notice that you began the conversation from inside your story.
JACK: I should have started from the Third Story. That’s right. I’ll start over.
JACK: Michael, I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened between us on the financial brochure. I found the experience frustrating, and I suspect you did as well. What’s most worrisome to me is that it feels like it has affected our friendship. I wonder whether we could talk about that? I’d like to understand better what was happening for you, and how you felt about working together, and I’d also like to share what I found upsetting.
MICHAEL: Well, Jack, the problem is that you’re just not careful enough, and then you can’t admit it when you make a mistake. It really made me angry when you started making excuses.
JACK: Okay, he’s attacking me. I thought if I started from the Third Story he was supposed to be nicer.
COACH: Well, Michael’s reaction wasn’t nearly as confrontational as it was in your first try. You’re actually off to a good start. You did a great job of beginning from the Third Story. Remember, persistence. Michael’s not immediately going to understand that you’re trying to have a learning conversation. You have to be prepared for him to be somewhat defensive.
JACK: And say what, if he attacks me?
COACH: He’s already into his story. The best thing you can do for the conversation is to listen from a stance of real curiosity, to ask questions, and to pay special attention to the feelings behind the words.
Step Four: Explore Their Story and Yours
JACK: You felt I was making excuses? Say more about that.
MICHAEL: The truth is, Jack, you shouldn’t have argued with me about the chart. You should have just redone the brochure.
JACK: So your thinking was that since the graph was off, it was up to me to correct it and reprint the brochures. And it sounds like when I questioned this, that was frustrating for you.
MICHAEL: Yeah, it was frustrating. I had the client breathing down my neck, already less than happy with us.
JACK: Why?
MICHAEL: Because she thought this photograph in one of the other publications was the wrong one. It wasn’t, but you just don’t argue at times like that. That’s what really frustrated me, Jack. You don’t seem to understand that the customer is always right.
JACK: So the client was already looking for things to be unhappy about?
MICHAEL: It sure felt that way. And if there was something you were going to screw up, the revenue chart was the first thing she was going to notice. Her investors are already unhappy with some of her recent decisions. Yes, the chart was only off by a small amount, and it’s not something we’d always rerun, but in this case, given the situation, it was something that we had to get just right.
JACK: I didn’t realize some of this background. It sounds like there was a lot going on for you during all of this.
JACK: Time out.
COACH: You’re doing great!
JACK: Yeah, maybe. It’s helpful, actually. I’m beginning to get a sense for how he’s seeing things. But he’s not getting a sense for how I’m seeing things. When do I get to give my side of the story?
COACH: You’ve done some good listening. Michael may be in a better place to start to listen to you.
JACK: From my point of view, Michael, the problem was that I did this favor for you, and then you mistreated me. You acted badly.
COACH: Cut! Yes, you want to move into your perspective, but first you need a transition sentence, something that acknowledges that you’re beginning to understand his view on this, and that you want to share yours. And when you do share yours, if you want to share feelings, do so. But what you said above is a judgment about Michael, which is rarely helpful. Better to say how you feel.
JACK: I’m beginning to get a sense for how you’re seeing things, and that’s helpful to me. I also want to try to give you a sense for how I was seeing things, and for how I was feeling.
MICHAEL: Okay.
JACK: Hmm. I’m not always good at talking about my feelings, but I’ll try. I felt hurt by some of the things you said —
MICHAEL: Jack, I wasn’t trying to hurt you, I just needed the brochure done right! Sometimes I think you’re too sensitive.
JACK: Okay, after all the listening I did, now he’s gone and interrupted me right off the bat. I didn’t even get a chance to get the first sentence out. That’s just how Michael is. He always interrupts, and I can never get what I think on the table.
COACH: This is where you have to be persistent, a little more assertive in getting your story out there.
You can interrupt him to create space for what you’re trying to say. You need to be very explicit that you are still explaining your view, and you’d like him to listen.
JACK: Well, hang on a second. Before we get into how you feel about how I feel, I just want to tell you a little more about how I’m seeing things.
MICHAEL: That’s fine, but what I’m saying is that you’re taking this question of our business interactions too personally —
JACK: He did it again. See? That’s what he does.
COACH: He is good at interrupting. So how are you feeling at this point?
JACK: I’m feeling really frustrated.
COACH: So you have a few choices here. You could give up, but I think it’s way too early for that. You could do some more listening, which is always a good idea. But let’s say you don’t want to do that at the moment. Instead, you could try two other things. One is, you could simply reassert that you want to get your view on the table, and I suspect that would eventually work. A second is you could share your frustration at being interrupted.
JACK: If I do that he’ll interrupt to tell me I shouldn’t be frustrated. I think I’ll try once more to be assertive.
JACK: Michael, I understand you think I’m taking things too personally. We can come to that. Before we do, I want to give you a better sense of where I’m at.
COACH: Brilliant! You started with listening, and paraphrasing his sense that you take things too personally. For him, that helps take away the need to keep saying it. And now you’re in a good place to continue your story.
JACK: I’m getting the hang of it.
JACK: So bear with me. Um, here’s the thing. When you called, here’s what I was thinking to myself: “Oh my God, I’m already overloaded at the moment. I need to get the Anders materials out by tomorrow, and I’m supposed to have dinner with Charlotte tonight.” And then I thought, “Well, I’m just going to have to call the Anders folks and let them know their stuff will be a day late, and call Charlotte and cancel dinner.” Because, Michael, you sounded like it was an emergency, and I really wanted to help you out.
MICHAEL: And I appreciated that —
JACK: But you never said that. From my point of view, after making these sacrifices, the first feedback I heard was, “Gee, Jack, you really screwed this one up!” Can you see why I would feel upset by that?
MICHAEL: I shouldn’t have said that, Jack. I meant to say thank you. I guess I was overloaded with my own frustrations at that point. It’s interesting. I wasn’t thinking that you were doing me a favor, to be honest, although I can see now that you were. What I was thinking, and what I still think, is that I was also doing you a favor. You know, giving you the business. There were other people I could have called, but I thought you’d appreciate the business.
JACK: Which I did. I guess on my end, I was so caught up in just trying to get everything done that it wasn’t feeling like a favor from you. But obviously, I do appreciate the business.
JACK: This is getting almost fun.
COACH: You’re doing a great job. Keep going.
MICHAEL: Jack, I still want to talk to you about something else. If we’re putting all our cards on the table, I get really upset when you try to deny that you’ve done something wrong. You know, you say that the graph is fine, when it’s not.
JACK: Okay, it’s getting less fun again.
COACH: That’s how difficult conversations are. They go up and down. You have to keep working at it.
JACK: Michael, I wasn’t denying anything. I didn’t do anything wrong!
COACH: Okay, let’s slow down. You’re at a tricky point here, and there’s the potential either to get into a big argument or to straighten some things out in a very helpful way.
JACK: I believe you, but I’m not seeing it.
COACH: Look back at what Michael said. He said he gets really upset when you try to deny that you’ve done something wrong. He’s making one of the big mistakes around impact and intentions, and you’re making the other one. In Michael’s statement, he’s assuming he knows what you were trying to do, what your intentions were.
JACK: Which he doesn’t.
COACH: Right. So he’s making the mistake of assuming he knows what your intentions are when in fact he doesn’t. When we do that in conversations, it creates just what happened here. The other person defends himself, and you get into a pointless argument.
JACK: How can I not defend myself?
COACH: The best way to handle confusion around impact and intent isn’t to defend yourself. First, you have to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, and only then should you try to clarify what your intentions were.
JACK: I hear that my response was frustrating for you.
MICHAEL: It was. I’m not trying to be a bad guy. I’m just trying to get it done right.
JACK: Let me try to explain my response. I wasn’t trying to pretend nothing was wrong, or trying to put one over on you. I genuinely felt that the graph was fine the way it was. As we’ve talked about it, I see that my reaction wasn’t based on all the information. I’m not sure what I think about the graph at this point. What I do know is that if I thought it should be redone I’d be the first to admit it.
MICHAEL: I don’t know about that. I still get a sense that you are sometimes defensive about making mistakes.
JACK: That’s not true.
COACH: You did a great job of sorting through the intentions question. It’s not easy. Now we’re getting into another tricky area. Is it true, in your heart of hearts, that you have no problem with mistakes?
JACK: Of course not! I hate making mistakes. I can’t stand it. It makes me crazy when I make a mistake, especially a stupid one.
COACH: So why did you say you have no problem with them?
JACK: I guess I didn’t want to admit that I do have a little bit of trouble around owning up to mistakes.
COACH: Here’s the thing. Michael, for one reason or another, senses that you have issues around making mistakes. You might do better by sharing some of your Identity Conversation with him. It’s a risk, but in this case, not a very big one since he seems to already know it.
JACK: Actually, Michael, as I think about it, admitting mistakes is something I do sometimes have trouble with. Even that is hard for me to say.
MICHAEL: Well, I appreciate your saying that. I wish you’d just admit them and then we can get on to the work of correcting them.
JACK: Well, I don’t want to confuse two issues. I did make a mistake with the graph, and it was my strong judgment, at least at the time we were talking, that the problem was so inconsequential that it didn’t need to be redone.
COACH: Fabulous. You owned up to a real issue you have, and you also did a great job of using the And Stance to clarify that in this case you felt like you were using good judgment.
JACK: So what’s next for me? Are we almost done?
COACH: You’re getting there. What else feels important for you to say? What else feels important for you to learn?
JACK: We’ve talked about what I did wrong on the brochure, but we haven’t talked at all about what Michael did wrong. After all, he reviewed it and gave me the go-ahead.
COACH: That’s an important issue. See if you can bring it up as an issue of joint contribution rather than blame.
JACK: Michael, there’s another issue I want to raise. I get the sense that you’re thinking the fact that the brochure was off was entirely my doing.
MICHAEL: Jack, we don’t need to get into that again. I’m not trying to beat you over the head with it. I understand that you worked hard on the brochure and I appreciate that.
JACK: I know. I just want to offer a different angle on this blame question. You’re reaction was that since I did the work, the graph problem was my fault. And my initial reaction was that since you looked it over and gave the go-ahead it was also your fault —
MICHAEL: No, I never said I proofread it. That was your job. What I indicated was that assuming there were no mis
takes, it was okay for you to print.
JACK: That’s just my point. I’m saying that we both had a hand in the problem. We misunderstood each other. I’m not saying there’s a right or wrong. If we had each understood the other more clearly, we would have been less likely to have gotten into the mess we did.
MICHAEL: That’s certainly true. But so what?
JACK: The point is, we are more likely to avoid this kind of problem in the future if we are more careful to communicate clearly. I should have asked you point-blank whether you had read the brochure carefully, and you might have said more clearly that you had not. Either one of those would have been useful, and would be useful next time.
MICHAEL: I think that makes sense.
JACK: Wow. That was much easier to discuss than blame, and much more helpful.
COACH: And notice that talking about contribution focuses you naturally on problem-solving. Let’s work a bit more on that. You each have your own view on whether the brochure should have been redone. Do a little problem-solving on that issue.
Step Five: Problem-Solving
JACK: Michael, let’s think about how we should handle a difference of judgment if it happens again in the future. For example, whether the brochure needs to be redone.
MICHAEL: I think as the client in this situation, we should just do it my way. I don’t see it as some sort of joint decision.
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most Page 23