JACK: I agree, in terms of the final decision. You should make it in that case. I guess I’m wondering how to give you the benefit of my judgment before the decision is made. I can imagine there will be times when you have a certain view, and then we talk about it, and you change your mind.
MICHAEL: That’s true. So maybe if we’re more clear about what the purpose of the conversation is, then instead of thinking you’re trying to make the final decision, I’ll know that you’re just giving me your opinion.
JACK: That makes sense.
MICHAEL: But sometimes I don’t have time to have a long conversation about it.
JACK: I understand that. It would help me if you would tell me that. Otherwise I don’t understand why you’re getting so frustrated in the conversation.
MICHAEL: So I can just say, “I don’t have time to talk about it”?
JACK: Yes, and also tell me why. That you’ve got to get something out by noon, or that this revenue issue is a touchy one, or that we can talk about it later. It’ll only take five seconds, and it’ll save me from getting frustrated with you for not listening.
MICHAEL: I can see why that would be frustrating.
COACH: Jack, you and Michael are on your way. Nice job!
JACK: As long as I’m on a roll, I want to bring up with Michael the thing that in some ways is the most difficult, and that’s the question of our friendship. I want to make sure that none of this hurts our friendship.
COACH: Check your purposes on that. “Making sure that none of this hurt our friendship” sounds like you’re going to put words in his mouth. It’s a little controlling. If you’re going to ask a question, make sure it’s an open question. Just ask him how he’s feeling about your friendship. If the problem did hurt your friendship, you want him to be open about saying so.
JACK: I’m glad we’re working through these issues. I think it’s hard to work with friends. I guess I wonder whether you think this has affected our friendship.
MICHAEL: Well, what’s your answer to that question?
JACK: Honestly? Now that we’ve talked it through I feel much better about things. Before we talked I was pretty angry. And probably a little hurt, too. If we hadn’t discussed this at some point, it would have been easy for me to figure we were not going to stay friends.
MICHAEL: I’m surprised by that. You and I certainly react differently to this kind of thing. I was not happy with our working relationship, but I thought our friendship was fine. I view them as separate. But since you obviously think about it differently, I’m glad we talked about it.
JACK: Looks like we’re friends again!
COACH: You handled it skillfully.
JACK: Thanks. I suspect we won’t have these sorts of problems in the future.
COACH: I don’t know about that. In fact, I think you are better off assuming that you will. Now, though, you know that it’s okay to talk about them, so the misunderstandings may not be as emotionally draining and are less likely to threaten the relationship. But is this the last difficult conversation you’ll have with Michael? I doubt it.
As the saying goes, “Life is just one damn thing after another.” It is, of course. And now you have some skills to handle it.
A Difficult Conversations Checklist
* * *
Step 1: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations
* * *
Sort out What Happened.
Where does your story come from (information, past experiences, rules)? Theirs?
What impact has this situation had on you? What might their intentions have been?
What have you each contributed to the problem?
Understand Emotions.
Explore your emotional footprint, and the bundle of emotions you experience.
Ground Your Identity.
What’s at stake for you about you? What do you need to accept to be better grounded?
* * *
Step 2: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise the Issue
* * *
Purposes: What do you hope to accomplish by having this conversation? Shift your stance to support learning, sharing, and problem-solving.
Deciding: Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purposes? Is the issue really embedded in your Identity Conversation? Can you affect the problem by changing your contributions? If you don’t raise it, what can you do to help yourself let go?
* * *
Step 3: Start from the Third Story
* * *
Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. Include both viewpoints as a legitimate part of the discussion.
Share your purposes.
Invite them to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together.
* * *
Step 4: Explore Their Story and Yours
* * *
Listen to understand their perspective on what happened. Ask questions. Acknowledge the feelings behind the arguments and accusations. Paraphrase to see if you’ve got it. Try to unravel how the two of you got to this place.
Share your own viewpoint, your past experiences, intentions, feelings.
Reframe, reframe, reframe to keep on track. From truth to perceptions, blame to contribution, accusations to feelings, and so on.
* * *
Step 5: Problem-Solving
* * *
Invent options that meet each side’s most important concerns and interests.
Look to standards for what should happen. Keep in mind the standard of mutual caretaking; relationships that always go one way rarely last.
Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward.
* * *
A Road Map to Difficult Conversations
Foreword vii
Acknowledgments ix
Introduction xv
A Difficult Conversation Is Anything You Find It Hard to Talk About xv
The Dilemma: Avoid or Confront, It Seems There Is No Good Path xvi
There Is No Such Thing as a Diplomatic Hand Grenade xvii
This Book Can Help xviii
The Rewards Are Worth the Effort xviii
Skeptical? A Few Thoughts xix
We Need to Look in New Places xx
Difficult Conversations Are a Normal Part of Life xx
The Problem 1
* * *
1. Sort Out the Three Conversations 3
Decoding the Structure of Difficult Conversations 4
There’s More Here Than Meets the Ear 5
Each Difficult Conversation Is Really Three Conversations 7
1. The “What Happened?” Conversation 7
2. The Feelings Conversation 7
3. The Identity Conversation 8
What We Can’t Change, and What We Can 8
The “What Happened?” Conversation: What’s the Story Here? 9
The Truth Assumption 9
The Intention Invention 10
The Blame Frame 11
The Feelings Conversation: What Should We Do with Our Emotions? 12
An Opera Without Music 13
The Identity Conversation: What Does This Say About Me? 14
Keeping Your Balance 15
Moving Toward a Learning Conversation 16
Shift to a Learning Stance 21
* * *
The “What Happened?” Conversation 23
2. Stop Arguing About Who’s Right: Explore Each Other’s Stories 25
Why We Argue, and Why It Doesn’t Help 26
We Think They Are the Problem 26
They Think We Are the Problem 27
We Each Make Sense in Our Story of What Happened 28
Arguing Blocks Us from Exploring Each Other’s Stories 29
Arguing Without Understanding Is Unpersuasive 29
Different Stories: Why We Each See the World Differently 30
1. We Have Different Information 31
We Notice Different Things 31
We Each Know Ourselves Bette
r Than Anyone Else Can 33
2. We Have Different Interpretations 34
We Are Influenced by Past Experiences 34
We Apply Different Implicit Rules 35
3. Our Conclusions Reflect Self-Interest 36
Move from Certainty to Curiosity 37
Curiosity: The Way into Their Story 37
What’s Your Story? 38
Embrace Both Stories: Adopt the “And Stance” 39
Two Exceptions That Aren’t 40
I Really Am Right 41
Giving Bad News 42
To Move Forward, First Understand Where You Are 43
3. Don’t Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact 44
The Battle Over Intentions 44
Two Key Mistakes 45
The First Mistake: Our Assumptions
About Intentions Are Often Wrong 46
We Assume Intentions from the Impact on Us 46
We Assume the Worst 46
We Treat Ourselves More Charitably 47
Are There Never Bad Intentions? 48
Getting Their Intentions Wrong Is Costly 48
We Assume Bad Intentions Mean Bad Character 48
Accusing Them of Bad Intentions Creates Defensiveness 49
Attributions Can Become Self-Fulfilling 50
The Second Mistake: Good Intentions Don’t Sanitize Bad Impact 50
We Don’t Hear What They Are Really Trying to Say 50
We Ignore the Complexity of Human Motivations 51
We Aggravate Hostility — Especially Between Groups 52
Avoiding the Two Mistakes 53
Avoiding the First Mistake: Disentangle Impact and Intent 53
Hold Your View as a Hypothesis 53
Share the Impact on You; Inquire About Their Intentions 54
Don’t Pretend You Don’t Have a Hypothesis 55
Some Defensiveness Is Inevitable 55
Avoiding the Second Mistake: Listen for Feelings, and Reflect on Your Intentions 56
Listen Past the Accusation for the Feelings 56
Be Open to Reflecting on the Complexity of Your Intentions 56
4. Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System 58
In Our Story, Blame Seems Clear 58
We’re Caught in Blame’s Web 59
Distinguish Blame from Contribution 59
Blame Is About Judging, and Looks Backward 60
Contribution Is About Understanding, and Looks Forward 60
Contribution Is Joint and Interactive 63
The Costs of the Blame Frame 64
When Blame Is the Goal, Understanding Is the Casualty 64
Focusing on Blame Hinders Problem-Solving 65
Blame Can Leave a Bad System Undiscovered 65
The Benefits of Understanding Contribution 66
Contribution Is Easier to Raise 66
Contribution Encourages Learning and Change 67
Three Misconceptions About Contribution 67
Misconception #1: I Should Focus Only on My Contribution 68
Misconception #2: Putting Aside Blame Means Putting Aside My Feelings 68
Misconception #3: Exploring Contribution Means “Blaming the Victim” 69
Finding Your Fair Share: Four Hard-to-Spot Contributions 70
1. Avoiding Until Now 71
2. Being Unapproachable 72
3. Intersections 72
4. Problematic Role Assumptions 75
Two Tools for Spotting Contribution 76
Role Reversal 76
The Observer’s Insight 76
Moving from Blame to Contribution — An Example 76
Map the Contribution System 78
What Are They Contributing? 78
What Am I Contributing? 78
Who Else Is Involved? 79
Take Responsibility for Your Contribution Early 79
Help Them Understand Their Contribution 81
Make Your Observations and Reasoning Explicit 81
Clarify What You Would Have Them Do Differently 81
The Feelings Conversation 83
5. Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You) 85
Feelings Matter: They Are Often at the Heart of Difficult Conversations 85
We Try to Frame Feelings Out of the Problem 86
Unexpressed Feelings Can Leak into the Conversation 87
Unexpressed Feelings Can Burst into the Conversation 88
Unexpressed Feelings Make It Difficult to Listen 89
Unexpressed Feelings Take a Toll on Our Self-Esteem and Relationships 90
A Way Out of the Feelings Bind 90
Finding Your Feelings: Learn Where Feelings Hide 91
Explore Your Emotional Footprint 91
Accept That Feelings Are Normal and Natural 92
Recognize That Good People Can Have Bad Feelings 92
Learn That Your Feelings Are as Important as Theirs 93
Find the Bundle of Feelings Behind the Simple Labels 94
Don’t Let Hidden Feelings Block Other Emotions 96
Find the Feelings Lurking Under Attributions, Judgments, and Accusations 97
Lift the Lid on Attributions and Judgments 97
Use the Urge to Blame as a Clue to Find Important Feelings 99
Don’t Treat Feelings as Gospel: Negotiate with Them 99
Don’t Vent: Describe Feelings Carefully 102
1. Frame Feelings Back into the Problem 102
2. Express the Full Spectrum of Your Feelings 103
3. Don’t Evaluate — Just Share 104
Express Your Feelings Without Judging, Attributing, or Blaming 104
Don’t Monopolize: Both Sides Can Have Strong Feelings at the Same Time 105
An Easy Reminder: Say “I Feel . . . .” 105
The Importance of Acknowledgment 106
Sometimes Feelings Are All That Matter 107
The Identity Conversation 109
6. Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What’s at Stake 111
Difficult Conversations Threaten Our Identity 111
Three Core Identities 112
Am I Competent? 112
Am I a Good Person? 112
Am I Worthy of Love? 112
An Identity Quake Can Knock Us Off Balance 113
There’s No Quick Fix 113
Vulnerable Identities: The All-or-Nothing Syndrome 114
Denial 114
Exaggeration 115
We Let Their Feedback Define Who We Are 115
Ground Your Identity 116
Step One: Become Aware of Your Identity Issues 116
Step Two: Complexify Your Identity (Adopt the And Stance) 118
Three Things to Accept About Yourself 119
1. You Will Make Mistakes 119
2. Your Intentions Are Complex 120
3. You Have Contributed to the Problem 120
During the Conversation: Learn to Regain Your Balance 122
Let Go of Trying to Control Their Reaction 122
Prepare for Their Response 124
Imagine That It’s Three Months or Ten Years from Now 125
Take a Break 125
Their Identity Is Also Implicated 125
Raising Identity Issues Explicitly 126
Find the Courage to Ask for Help 127
Create a Learning Conversation 129
* * *
7. What’s Your Purpose? When to Raise It and When to Let Go 131
To Raise or Not to Raise: How to Decide? 131
How Do I Know I’ve Made the Right Choice? 132
Work Through the Three Conversations 132
Three Kinds of Conversations That Don’t Make Sense 133
Is the Real Conflict Inside You? 133
Is There a Better Way to Address the Issue Than Talking About It? 134
Do You Have Purposes That Make Sense? 137
Remember, You Can’t Change Other People 137
Don’t Focus on Short-Term Relief at Long-Term Cost 138
Don’t Hit-and-Run 139
<
br /> Letting Go 140
Adopt Some Liberating Assumptions 141
It’s Not My Responsibility to Make Things Better; It’s My Responsibility to Do My Best 142
They Have Limitations Too 142
This Conflict Is Not Who I Am 143
Letting Go Doesn’t Mean I No Longer Care 143
If You Raise It: Three Purposes That Work 145
1. Learning Their Story 145
2. Expressing Your Views and Feelings 145
3. Problem-Solving Together 146
Stance and Purpose Go Hand in Hand 146
8. Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story 147
Why Our Typical Openings Don’t Help 147
We Begin Inside Our Own Story 148
We Trigger Their Identity Conversation from the Start 148
Step One: Begin from the Third Story 149
Think Like a Mediator 150
Not Right or Wrong, Not Better or Worse — Just Different 151
Jason’s Story 151
Jill’s Story 151
The Third Story 151
If They Start the Conversation, You Can Still Step to the Third Story 154
Step Two: Extend an Invitation 155
Describe Your Purposes 155
Invite, Don’t Impose 155
Make Them Your Partner in Figuring It Out 156
Be Persistent 157
Some Specific Kinds of Conversations 158
Delivering Bad News 158
Making Requests 159
“I Wonder If It Would Make Sense . . . ?” 159
Revisiting Conversations Gone Wrong 159
Talk About How to Talk About It 160
A Map for Going Forward: Third Story, Their Story, Your Story 160
What to Talk About: The Three Conversations 161
How to Talk About It: Listening, Expression, and Problem-Solving 162
9. Learning: Listen from the Inside Out 163
Listening Transforms the Conversation 164
Listening to Them Helps Them Listen to You 166
The Stance of Curiosity: How to Listen from the Inside Out 167
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most Page 24