Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
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Forget the Words, Focus on Authenticity 167
The Commentator in Your Head: Become More Aware of Your Internal Voice 168
Don’t Turn It Off, Turn It Up 169
Managing Your Internal Voice 169
Negotiate Your Way to Curiosity 169
Don’t Listen: Talk 170
Three Skills: Inquiry, Paraphrasing, and Acknowledgment 172
Inquire to Learn 172
Don’t Make Statements Disguised as Questions 172
Don’t Use Questions to Cross-Examine 173
Ask Open-Ended Questions 174
Ask for More Concrete Information 174
Ask Questions About the Three Conversations 176
Make It Safe for Them Not to Answer 177
Paraphrase for Clarity 178
Check Your Understanding 178
Show That You’ve Heard 178
Acknowledge Their Feelings 180
Answer the Invisible Questions 181
How to Acknowledge 181
Order Matters: Acknowledge Before Problem-Solving 182
Acknowledging Is Not Agreeing 182
A Final Thought: Empathy Is a Journey, Not a Destination 183
10. Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power 185
Orators Need Not Apply 185
You’re Entitled (Yes, You) 186
No More, But No Less 186
Beware Self-Sabotage 187
Failure to Express Yourself Keeps You Out of the Relationship 188
Feel Entitled, Feel Encouraged, But Don’t Feel Obligated 189
Speak the Heart of the Matter 189
Start with What Matters Most 190
Say What You Mean: Don’t Make Them Guess 191
Don’t Rely on Subtext 191
Avoid Easing In 193
Don’t Make Your Story Simplistic: Use the “Me-Me” And 194
Telling Your Story with Clarity: Three Guidelines 195
1. Don’t Present Your Conclusions as The Truth 196
2. Share Where Your Conclusions Come From 197
3. Don’t Exaggerate with “Always” and “Never”: Give Them Room to Change 198
Help Them Understand You 199
Ask Them to Paraphrase Back 199
Ask How They See It Differently— and Why 200
11. Problem-Solving: Take the Lead 201
Skills for Leading the Conversation 201
Reframe, Reframe, Reframe 202
You Can Reframe Anything 204
The “You-Me” And 205
It’s Always the Right Time to Listen 206
Be Persistent About Listening 207
Name the Dynamic: Make the Trouble Explicit 208
Now What? Begin to Problem-Solve 210
It Takes Two to Agree 210
Gather Information and Test Your Perceptions 211
Propose Crafting a Test 211
Say What Is Still Missing 212
Say What Would Persuade You 212
Ask What (If Anything) Would Persuade Them 213
Ask Their Advice 213
Invent Options 213
Ask What Standards Should Apply 214
The Principle of Mutual Caretaking 214
If You Still Can’t Agree, Consider Your Alternatives 215
It Takes Time 216
12. Putting It All Together 217
Step One: Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations 217
Step Two: Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise It 220
Step Three: Start from the Third Story 221
Step Four: Explore Their Story and Yours 222
Step Five: Problem-Solving 230
A Note on Some Relevant Organizations
The Harvard Negotiation Project
The Harvard Negotiation Project (HNP) is a research project founded in 1981 at Harvard University to develop and disseminate improved methods of dealing with conflict. It is part of the Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School, an inter-university consortium of scholars and activities with a multidisciplinary approach to the theory and practice of negotiation and conflict resolution. HNP’s activities include action research, theory building, education and training, and writing.
Action Research. HNP works with people involved in real-world problems to offer help, learn from experience, and develop new theory. For example, the Project has contributed to the resolution of conflicts such as the U.S.-Iranian hostage conflict in 1980, helped to create a substantially improved relationship between the U.S. and Soviet Union, and helped to structure negotiation and peacemaking processes in Central America and South Africa.
Theory-Building. Among the ideas developed at HNP are the one-text mediation procedure used by the United States in Middle East peace negotiations since the 1978 Camp David summit, the method of “principled” or “mutual-gains” negotiation, and the approach to productive conversation summarized in this book.
Education and Training. HNP developed the seminal Negotiation Workshop taught at Harvard Law School that has influenced educators around the world. In June and November each year the Project offers intensive one-week courses on negotiation and difficult conversations to lawyers and the general public as part of Harvard Law School’s Program of Instruction for Lawyers. (For information, contact PIL at (617) 495–3187 or on the web at www.law.harvard.edu/Programs/PIL/.)
Publications. Work at the Project has spawned many publications, including International Mediation: A Working Guide, Getting to YES: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Getting Together: Building Relationships as We Negotiate, Getting Ready to Negotiate, Beyond Machiavelli, Coping with International Conflict, Getting It Done: How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge, and this book, as well as articles, teacher’s guides, curricula, and negotiation exercises. (For information on teaching materials, contact the Program on Negotiation Clearinghouse at (617) 495–1684 or by email at chouse@pon.law.harvard.edu. For the latest ideas in the field, subscribe to the Program’s Negotiation Journal, available at the same number.)
Conflict Management Group
Conflict Management Group (CMG) is a non-profit organization devoted to helping people manage their differences constructively. CMG provides training, advice, and facilitation for public and private sector groups to promote peace and collaborative problem-solving around the world in three areas of focus:
Strategic Assistance: Unofficial initiatives to help parties find new avenues for managing protracted problems of social concern. CMG has helped leaders in the former Soviet Union manage ethnic conflicts, trained official negotiation teams in South Africa and El Salvador, and helped Ecuador and Peru resolve a border conflict. Capacity Building: Strengthening the ability of organizations and communities to manage conflict and solve problems collaboratively. CMG is working with the Organization of African Unity, assisting Greek and Turkish Cypriots, and helping communities in the United States curb youth violence and ease racial tensions. Theory-Practice Interchange: CMG works to make theory useful to practitioners and to harvest useful concepts from practice. CMG was founded by members of the Harvard Negotiation Project. (For further information, contact CMG at (617) 354-5444 or visit www.cmgroup.org.)
Vantage Partners, LLC
Vantage Partners LLC is an international consulting firm based in Cambridge, Massachusetts that enables organizations to improve the way they negotiate, build, and manage relationships across internal divisions and with their external partners, customers, and suppliers. Founded by current and former members of the Harvard Negotiation Project, Vantage Partners assists its clients to build the behavioral skills, tools, processes, formal structures, and cultural mindset required to strengthen relationships, improve negotiation results, and sustain innovation and competitive advantage. Vantage’s services include supporting the negotiation and management of alliance relationships, building the capacity to manage and learn from internal conflict (within executive teams, between functions, or across the matrix), and improving organizational “retu
rn on negotiation” with customers and suppliers. Vantage also offers custom-designed training and products designed to build critical skills including: negotiation, building and managing relationships, managing conflict, and engaging effectively in difficult conversations. (For further information, contact Vantage Partners LLC at (617) 354-6090 or on the web at www.vantagepartners.com.)
Triad Consulting Group, Inc.
Triad Consulting is dedicated to helping organizations, businesses, and communities engage in their toughest conflicts with clarity, integrity, and heart — in ways that deepen relationships and promote effective problem-solving. Consultants specialize in addressing disputes where important values are at stake and emotions run high. Triad works at the individual, team, and organizational levels, offering strategic negotiation advice, mediation services, custom-designed skills training, and excutive coaching. Triad consultants have worked with a wide range of groups and organizations, including Ford Motor Company, The Citadel, Akamai Technologies, the Singapore Supreme Court, Technology Partners International (TPI), and the Boston Area Rape Crisis Center. Triad was founded by members of the Harvard Negotiation Project and Conflict Management Group. (For further information, contact Triad at (617) 547-1728 or visit us on the web at www.triadcgi.com).
For general information and up-to-date news about Difficult Conversations, see our web page at www.diffi cultconversations.com or the publisher’s web page at www.penguinputnam.com/difficultconversations/.
Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Introduction
The Problem
1 Sort Out the Three Conversations
Shift to a Learning Stance
The “What Happened?” Conversation
2 Stop Arguing About Who’s Right: Explore Each Other’s Stories
3 Don’t Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact
4 Abandon Blame: Map the Contribution System
The Feelings Conversation
5 Have Your Feelings (Or They Will Have You)
The Identity Conversation
6 Ground Your Identity: Ask Yourself What’s at Stake
Create a Learning Conversation
7 What’s Your Purpose? When to Raise It and When to Let Go
8 Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story
9 Learning: Listen from the Inside Out
10 Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power
11 Problem-Solving: Take the Lead
12 Putting It All Together
A Road Map to Difficult Conversations
A Note on Some Relevant Organizations