by Tina Beckett
“You better.”
Regina smiled. “Go sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Erica nodded and took herself off to bed, but she doubted she’d get any sleep, and she was right. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she rolled over on her right and stared at the empty spot beside her.
The emptiness had never bothered her before, but now it did. She was very aware how empty her bed was and she was mad at herself for caring.
She was mad at herself for wanting something she knew she couldn’t have.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
“GOOD MORNING,” THORNE WHISPERED, his breath fanning against her neck. She didn’t even hear him come up behind her. She was busy charting after an early-morning shift in the ER. Even though they were alone, she felt uncomfortable that he was so close, making the butterflies in her stomach flutter.
She cleared her throat and rubbed her neck, shifting away slightly. “Good morning, Captain.”
“Formalities?”
“Yes.” Her cheeks flamed with heat. “We are on duty, after all.”
“Good point. My apologies, Commander. What happened while I was off duty?”
“There was a motor vehicle collision. Minor. One went to surgery with Lieutenant Drew.” She handed the chart to Thorne.
“Why?” he asked, flipping through the pages.
“Spleen was bleeding too much. Lieutenant Drew is performing a splenectomy as we speak.” She glanced at his watch. “Barring complications, he should be finished soon.”
Thorne nodded. “Anything else?”
“Seven people with a cold, and a couple crewmen of the Hope stumbled in for help easing their hangovers before they boarded.” She shook her head. “It was like a flash mob last night at Scooby’s, a really inappropriate flash mob.”
Thorne pulled out his phone and pulled up the web. “It was, in fact.”
Erica leaned over to see the video from Scooby’s, the choreographed movements to the song. “Pretty impressive for a bunch of drunkards.”
“I know. Scooby was quite happy he got to film it.” Thorne’s eyes twinkled.
Erica laughed. “I bet he was. That man is obsessed with pop culture.”
“Who?” Bunny asked, appearing behind the charge desk.
Erica jumped back from Thorne and cleared her throat again as she stared at the chart. “Sachiho.”
Bunny cocked an eyebrow. “Who?”
“Scooby,” Thorne interjected. “There was a bit of a scene of the weird kind last night at Scooby’s bar.”
Bunny chuckled. “When isn’t there?”
“Is there something I can help you with, Bunny?” Erica asked, hoping that she could throw herself into busywork.
“Nope. I’m just about to head out. My shift is over.” Bunny put the last of her charts away. “Have a good day, Commander and Captain.”
Bunny left the two of them standing there at the charge desk alone.
“Why did that feel awkward?” Thorne asked.
“I have no idea.”
Only she did. Well, at least she knew why she was feeling awkward, because she didn’t want to be alone with Thorne again. Only, that was ridiculous. She was going to be alone with him again. Sex had changed it.
Your feelings for him, too.
“I thought you were going to watch some SEALs train down at the aquatic center?” she asked, trying to sound nonchalant and failing.
“I might yet.”
“What test is it?”
“Drown proofing. The next week there will be several rounds of it.”
“Oh, that test looks brutal. I’ve seen it.”
“It’s hard-core. Though, I can’t really demonstrate it anymore. I was pretty darn good at it, though.” He smiled to himself.
“I’m sure you were. You swam in open water with an infected leg wound.”
The smile disappeared. “Yes.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up. You don’t like talking about it, do you?”
He shrugged. “I don’t like to dwell on the past. I can’t change it. Just got to keep one foot in front of the other and move forward; the future hasn’t been written.”
“So you don’t believe things are predestined?”
He shook his head. “Nope and, if they were, I’d have to have some words with someone about the rough end of the stick I got a few times—and I’m not just talking about my leg.”
Erica smiled. “I understand.”
“Well, I better check on the lieutenant’s surgery. Make sure the splenectomy is going smoothly and we don’t lose the patient.”
“I’ll see you later.”
“I hope so.” He turned and left her standing there with her charts. She watched him walk away. There was just a slight limp to his gait, but he was still that strong, Navy SEAL Special Ops officer who had begged her not to take his leg.
There were so many admirable things about him. Also there were many annoying things about him. Maybe Scooby was right. They were too volatile together. That was what Scooby had told Thorne and Thorne had told her.
What does Scooby know? He has green shag carpet on his ceilings and walls.
“I saw the way he looked at you and the way you looked at him.”
Erica shook Regina’s words from her head. They were the last words Regina had said to Erica before she’d walked back up the gang plank to board the Hope. Erica had had a break and had gone outside to watch as the Hope sailed east towards the States. She’d wished for a moment she was back on the ship headed for San Diego.
Not that she knew any one besides Regina and Rick in San Diego, but it was the gateway to a new port of call. Headquarters. It was one thing she’d loved about serving on the Hope. Every day was something new and exciting, but she’d only been able to go so far on the ship.
Here in Okinawa or another similar base she could rise above her current rank. That was, if she didn’t mess it up by sleeping with her commanding officer.
Oh, wait: she had done that.
Erica pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. No, she couldn’t let this escalate any further.
They’d shared one night of passion and that was all it could be.
Keep telling yourself that.
Her phone pinged with an email. She glanced down and saw it was from Admiral Greer. Confused as to why the admiral would be emailing, she opened it, reading it quickly. She almost dropped her phone and had to read the email again, her hands were shaking so bad.
All her hard work was about to pay off as her dream post was offered to her.
All she had to do now was tell Thorne she was leaving.
* * *
You’re here to see SEAL training. That’s it.
It was the end of the week of SEAL training and she was coming to watch that and not tell Thorne that she’d accepted a new posting at Annapolis in Maryland.
The email from Admiral Greer had been to promote her from commander to captain and offer her a position at the prestigious school. Her dream position. She’d said yes without a second thought. Now she had to tell Thorne and she was positive he’d understand.
At least that was what she kept trying to tell herself, but she wasn’t a good liar. Even she didn’t believe herself.
She’d always wanted to go and work at the United States Naval Academy. She’d be training medical corp recruits. It was something she’d always dreamed of, but the opportunity had never presented itself. After that fiasco in Rhode Island she’d never thought it would, to be honest.
Now it had, she had to jump at the chance. Even if it meant leaving Thorne behind.
He didn’t make any promises. Neither did you.
This was her career. Love had screwed it up before and she couldn’t let that happen again. No matter how much she wanted to stay with him.
The last time she’d chosen love over career it had burned her. Seriously burned her. And that hadn’t even been love. That had just been lust.
With Thorne it
was different. They connected.
And now she was leaving.
He’ll understand.
If the situation was reversed, he would jump at the opportunity.
She snuck into the aquatic center and took a seat in the bleachers. The trainees were in the water doing their drown proofing, which consisted of bottom bouncing, floating and various retrievals. The test usually exhausted the swimmer, but also prepared them for rigorous missions.
Thorne was walking along the edge of the pool with another instructor. She could tell by the way he paced on the deck that he wanted to be in there with them, but couldn’t.
He turned away from the testers and looked up at her.
Damn it.
She wasn’t ready for this. Blood rushed to her cheeks as he headed in her direction, up the few stairs to where she was sitting.
“Erica, what’re you doing here?”
“I’ve never witnessed this particular test. I thought it might be interesting to watch.”
He smiled and then sat down on the bench next to her. “You just came off an extremely long shift. I know because I scheduled it. You should be at home sleeping.”
“I’m a bit tired, but I had to come see this.” She looked closer. “I thought their hands are tied?”
“They will be; the instructor is just acclimatizing them, getting them ready for the test. These guys are pretty green. Besides, the instructor will pull them out of the water, freeze them out a bit.”
“I bet they’ll freeze.”
“Get them used to hypothermia, but not really. This is a controlled environment and they won’t be out of the water that long.” And just as he said the words a whistle echoed and the trainees clambered out of the water as fast as they could. When they were standing to attention, that was when the instructors begin to tie the trainees’ hands together.
“I thought my training at Annapolis was difficult,” she muttered under her breath.
“You have to be tough to go on the kind of missions these men could go on.”
“I don’t doubt that. It’s why I never even contemplated becoming a SEAL. I just wanted to be in the Medical Corp. Going the officer route helped pay for that training.”
“That’s how I originally started,” Thorne said a bit wistfully as he stared down at the group of ten seamen, dripping and trying not to shiver on the pool deck.
“What made you go into the SEALs?”
“The death of my twin brother.” There was a sadness to his voice. One she was familiar with. One she had used herself when talking about her father. It was pain.
“I knew you had a brother, but I didn’t know he was your twin. I’m sorry,” she said and she placed a hand on his knee, at a loss for words. “How did you…? How did he…?”
“Die?” he asked.
“You don’t have to tell me. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“It’s okay.”
Thorne ran his hand through his hair. “He died in service. He showed up at the field hospital I was stationed at. I was called off my ship to assist. In the field hospital there was an IED. There was an explosion and Liam died in my arms.”
She took his hand in hers and squeezed it. “I’m sorry. So sorry.”
“I appreciate the sentiment, but it was my fault.”
“How?” she asked, confused.
“I don’t want to get into it.”
“I get it.”
He glanced up at her. “Do you?”
“I do. I don’t like talking about my father to many people.”
Thorne nodded. “Did he die in service?”
Erica’s stomach knotted. “No. He didn’t.”
She didn’t talk about her father, not to anyone.
She sighed again. “He died as a result of service. He was wounded on a mission, came back home and the doctors cleared him—but I think the wound and losing most of his unit caused PTSD. He went back when he healed and was on a covert operation when he went AWOL, blowing the mission, and he was dishonorably discharged. It was then he killed himself.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“He was my hero. If he could’ve got the help he needed…”
“I understand.” He stared down at her hand, tracing the back with his thumb, which made her blood heat as she thought of his hands stroking her body.
“I better go.” She took her hand back, feeling uncomfortable, and stood. She’d opened up to Thorne too much. It was dangerous letting him know that about her.
He opened up to you.
And that was a problem. She was scared.
“I’ll walk you back to your quarters.”
“It’s broad daylight, Thorne. I think I can manage.”
“I don’t mind.” The tone of his voice implied that he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was going to walk her back whether she liked it or not. She didn’t mind it, except the fact that she might not be able to resist asking him inside.
Remember how Captain Seaton hurt you. Don’t do this to yourself.
Only Thorne wasn’t Captain Seaton. Thorne was different. He wouldn’t report her as mentally unstable because she was taking a new position and leaving him.
At least that was what she kept trying to tell herself, but it was so hard to open up and trust again. She’d resigned herself a while ago to the fact that love was not to be a part of her life and then she’d met Thorne.
He limped slightly as they walked to her quarters.
“Why don’t you go back?” Erica asked. “You don’t have to do this. I am a big girl.”
“It’s not a bother. I needed to stretch my leg. The moisture actually bothers me sometimes. Phantom leg pain.”
“I’m sorry you have to go through that.”
“Most people do. With the trauma inflicted, the brain can’t really understand why the nerves aren’t there any longer. Besides, I was hoping you can give me another massage sometime.”
She laughed. “Oh, really? So that was your master plan—take me home and, instead of letting me sleep, I’m supposed to massage you?”
“Well, we could do something else.”
Heat bloomed in her cheeks. “Thorne, I don’t think it’s wise. Do you?”
Then he pulled her close to him. “No, it’s not wise, but I can’t resist you. Believe me, I’ve tried. I want to resist you.”
Her pulse thundered in her ears. She was pressed against his chest and very aware of how close they were.
“Thorne,” she whispered, closing her eyes so she wouldn’t be drawn into his eyes, which always seemed to melt her. “I can’t. I just… I can’t.”
“Why?”
“I thought we were going to be friends?”
Thorne let go of her. “I’m sorry, Erica. I wanted to respect your wishes. I did, but when I’m around you I can’t help myself. I didn’t… I don’t want a relationship. I can’t give you a relationship.”
“And I can’t give you one either.” She reached up and touched his cheek. “I can’t be with another commanding officer. The last time I got involved with someone I work for it almost cost me my career. Unless you can promise me a lifetime, unless you can promise me that our relationship won’t affect my career, then I just can’t. I can’t.”
Because I’m leaving.
Only she couldn’t verbalize those words.
Chicken.
She tried to turn and leave, because she was embarrassed she’d admitted it to him. Embarrassed that he knew she’d been foolish enough once to believe in forever with someone who wasn’t worthy. She made it to her quarters and opened the door. Just as Thorne came up behind her.
“Erica, I would never jeopardize your career. I hope you know that.”
“I know. I just wanted you to know why… I couldn’t really hide it any longer. I thought for sure you knew. I was pretty sure it was on my service record.”
“No, why would it be? If you were passed up for commendation or a promotion in rank, do you really think those responsible for
denying that would record it on your service record?”
She was a bit stunned.
“You look surprised,” he commented.
“Captain Dayton knew why I was passed up for promotion. I don’t even know why he actually picked me to come aboard the Hope.”
“Captain Dayton is a smart man. He saw talent. Just like I did.” Thorne rubbed the back of his neck, frowning, as if he was struggling to tell her something and she was expecting him to tell her why he couldn’t be with someone.
What was holding him back?
What’s holding you back?
Still she waited. She waited for him to open up to her, waited pathetically for a sign that maybe it would be worth a second thought. Only he said nothing to her and she was angry at herself for even thinking for one moment that she’d give up on her dreams for a man. When had she become so weak?
Her career mattered. Her life mattered.
“Thorne, I have something to tell you.”
“Erica, don’t say something we’ll regret.”
“I’m transferring to Annapolis.”
The blood drained from his face and his brow furrowed. “Pardon?”
“I’m transferring to Annapolis, Maryland. I was offered a position as Captain and I would be working with medical corps recruits. It’s a chance of a lifetime and I couldn’t turn it down.”
“No, of course not.” He smiled, but it was forced. “Who gave you the commendation?”
“Captain Dayton actually recommended me.”
He chuckled, but it was one of derision, not mirth. “Is that a fact? When do you leave?”
“In a week.”
Thorne nodded slowly. “Well, of course you have to go.”
“I do.” Only part of her was screaming not to go—the part of her that wanted to stay with Thorne, marry him and settle down. But he couldn’t give her any promises and neither could she. If he didn’t want her, she didn’t want to settle down with a man who would resent her down the road or, worse, she would resent him for making her give up on her career.
No, she had to go.
“I’m sorry I’m leaving you without a second in command.”
“I’ll make do until a replacement can be sent.” He wasn’t looking at her as he backed away from her door. “I better put in a request now.”