Written in the Stars

by Isobel Bird

  Or was it? Ever since he’d shown up at her birthday party, she’d been thinking about him. How could it be that someone she was once so crazy for could now seem like a complete stranger? What had happened between them that things had gone downhill so fast? When she looked at Tyler now, she felt as if she didn’t know him at all.

  “I know you’re angry at me,” he said finally. “And I don’t blame you. I’m angry at me, too.”

  “Not half as much as I am,” Kate informed him, unable to resist the temptation.

  “Probably not,” agreed Tyler. “But I am angry. And I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened, Kate. It was like you and I were this great couple and then all of a sudden you were gone and I was alone.”

  “I was alone, too,” Kate said defensively.

  “I’m not using that as an excuse,” said Tyler. “I’m just trying to talk about this. Okay?”

  He looked at her, his usually shining eyes dark with a combination of fear and irritation. Kate looked away. “Okay,” she said.

  “What happened with me and Annie was totally out of the blue,” Tyler said.

  Kate felt her insides beginning to churn. Hearing Tyler say “me and Annie” made her think of them together—of what they’d done together. She didn’t want to think about that. It just made her angry.

  “When you weren’t around me, I thought of all of these reasons why you and I didn’t make sense together,” Tyler continued. “We’re so different.”

  “You’ve mentioned that before,” Kate said, a chill in her voice. “I get it—we’re not compatible.”

  “That’s just it,” Tyler said. “I keep thinking that, but then I realize that I miss you.”

  He stopped speaking and looked anywhere but at Kate. “I miss being with you,” he continued. “I miss talking about stuff.”

  “Didn’t you and Annie talk about stuff?” asked Kate, sounding more nasty than she’d intended.

  “What do you want me to tell you, Kate?” Tyler asked. “Do you want me to say that I liked being with Annie? Yes, I liked hanging out with her. I liked doing things with her. I liked talking to her.”

  It was Kate’s turn to look away. She didn’t want to see Tyler’s face when he talked about Annie. She didn’t want to see his eyes light up when he said her name, or watch him smile when he thought about being with her.

  “Annie is a wonderful person,” Tyler continued. “And you know that. She’s one of your best friends.”

  Now’s a good time for you to remember that, Kate thought, but kept her mouth shut.

  “You’re beating yourself up over this,” continued Tyler. “You want to think that the thing with Annie happened because I liked her better. Well, it didn’t. It happened because we spent a lot of time together while you and I didn’t. It happened because I’m not perfect and neither is she. That’s the only reason.”

  That’s the problem, Kate thought suddenly. I thought Tyler was the perfect boyfriend.

  “I’m not asking you to get over it, Kate,” said Tyler. “I’m not even asking you to understand it.”

  “Then what are you asking, Tyler?” asked Kate. “Did you just ask me here so you could unload and feel better about everything?”

  “I asked you here because I want to see if we can start over,” said Tyler.

  Kate stared at him. Was he kidding? Start over?

  “This is the place where we had our first date,” Tyler said. “Do you remember that?”

  Kate nodded. Of course she remembered it. She hadn’t known it was a date when she’d arrived. In fact, she’d been going out with someone else when she’d walked through the door. Scott Coogan, the former love of her life. But by the time she and Tyler had walked on the beach, and he’d kissed her, she’d known that she and Scott were over. She’d known it as soon as she’d looked into Tyler’s golden eyes and realized that she wanted to kiss him back.

  “I know we can’t go back that far,” said Tyler. “Too much has happened. But maybe we can go back a little bit, just to the point where things started to not make sense.”

  “And then what?” asked Kate.

  “We’ll have to wait and see,” said Tyler.

  Kate didn’t say anything. She was thinking. After a minute she looked up and said, “Come on.” She stood up and pulled on her coat.

  “Where are we going?” Tyler asked, scrambling to follow her. “We haven’t even ordered anything.”

  “I’m not hungry,” said Kate as she walked toward the front doors.

  Tyler followed her as she left the coffee shop and walked along the wharf on which it was located. She headed for the set of long, narrow stairs that led to the beach and walked down them with Tyler behind her, not saying a word. When she reached the sand she kept walking until they came to the enormous rock that jutted out from the beach into the ocean. A set of smaller rocks, like natural steps, led to the top of it. Kate climbed them and stood on top of the big rock. Tyler climbed up after her.

  “Why did you want to come out here?” he asked.

  The wind was blowing Kate’s hair. She pushed it out of her eyes and looked around. The sea was choppy because of the weather, and the air was thick with mist that chilled her skin. High above them, though, the sky was clear and black. Kate looked up at the stars.

  “A lot of the important decisions I’ve made in my life have been made on this rock,” she told Tyler. “I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because I feel safe up here, like nothing can get to me and I can think about things in peace. Maybe it’s because I feel close to the Goddess here, next to the ocean.” She looked up at the sky. “Or maybe it’s because those stars have something to do with the decisions I make,” she added. “We’ve been talking a lot about astrology in class lately. I’m not sure whether or not I believe that the choices we make are controlled by what’s up there or not, but I do know that this place is important to me.”

  Tyler stood on the rock, his hands in his pockets, and looked at Kate. He seemed to be waiting for her to make a choice. She looked away from him and stared out at the ocean. How many times had she done the same thing, trying to decide what the right thing to do was? How many times had she stared off into the distance, where the waves and the sky met in a thin line of gray, and waited for an answer to come to her? The moments flashed in front of her: kissing Scott and then, later, throwing the ring he’d given her into the waves; kissing Tyler; confronting him and Annie. One after another they came into view, like a collage of images from her life.

  Suddenly she realized something: every time she’d come to the rock it was because she wanted a guy to like her, or because she felt bad about what a guy had done to her. It was never about feeling good about herself or about what she was doing with her life. It was always about someone else.

  Her eyes moved to the little cove beyond the line of rocks. In that cove she, Annie, and Cooper had done their first real ritual together. There she had felt strong and confident, not needy and anxious. In the cove, lifting her hands to the sky or dipping them into the ocean’s waves while working magic, she had been connected to the power of the earth, and to the power within herself. But on the rock she had only felt the temporary thrill of having someone want her.

  She looked at Tyler, at his handsome face and beautiful eyes. He looked just as he had the first time she’d come there with him. That night she’d felt like the luckiest girl in the world because he had looked at her the way he was looking at her now. She’d needed someone to look at her like that, to make her feel special.

  But tonight she realized that she needed something different. She didn’t need to feel special. She was special. And she didn’t need to be with someone else to feel that way. She felt it every time she meditated, or performed a spiral dance with her friends, or called on the Goddess. She felt it whenever she took another step along the path she’d dedicated herself to.

  “Maybe we can go back,” she said to Tyler. “But not to where you want to go.” She laughed. The anger she’d
been feeling toward Tyler—and toward Annie—was gone. She didn’t need it anymore.

  “Where does that leave us, then?” asked Tyler.

  Kate looked at him and smiled. “Friends,” she said. “It leaves us as friends. I don’t need a boyfriend, Tyler,” she explained. “What I need are friends. You were right the first time—you and I are really different. That’s what I liked about being with you. It’s what I still like. But not as your girlfriend, as your friend.”

  Tyler lowered his head, looking at his feet. When he looked back at Kate, he had a wistful expression on his face. “Maybe you’re right,” he said. “Maybe this is how it was supposed to be all along and we just didn’t see it.”

  Kate shrugged. “I’m not complaining,” she said. “Are you?”

  Tyler gave a lopsided grin. “No,” he said. “I guess I’m not.”

  “So,” Kate said. “Friends?”

  Tyler nodded. “Friends,” he said, extending his hand.

  Kate took it and held it tightly for a moment as she looked up at the stars. As she and Tyler watched, a shooting star fell through the heavens.

  “Make a wish,” Tyler said. “Quick.”

  “I wish I always felt this good,” Kate said.

  “Gee, thanks,” replied Tyler. “It’s always nice when a girl feels good after rejecting you.”

  “I’m not rejecting you,” Kate said, giving his hand a final squeeze and then letting go. “I’m just redefining our relationship.”

  “Oh,” Tyler said. “That makes me feel much better.”

  Kate laughed. “Come on,” she said. “I’ll make it up to you. I’ll buy you a sundae.”

  She climbed off the rock. Tyler came after her. “Okay,” he said, “but if you really want to make it up to me it has to have chocolate sauce and peanuts.”

  CHAPTER 16

  “Thanks for inviting me out with you guys,” Jane told Cooper as they drove to Cooper’s house on Sunday afternoon.

  “It’s not like you haven’t been out with us before,” said Cooper, teasing her.

  “I know,” Jane replied. “But that was before.”

  “Before what?” said Cooper, knowing what her friend was saying and determined not to let her get away with it.

  “Before you all knew,” Jane said. “That’s all.”

  The light ahead of them turned yellow, and Cooper brought the car to a stop. She turned to Jane. “You’re no different now than you were before,” she said.

  Jane smiled. “I know,” she said. “That’s what they say in all of the books that people read when they find out someone they know is gay.” She looked at Cooper. “But you know what? I am different. This is a part of who I am that you didn’t know about before. Now you do. I want to be able to talk about it, and I want you to be able to talk about it if you want to.”

  “Sure,” Cooper said. “That’s cool.” The light changed and she put the car in gear.

  “I know we’re all supposed to be enlightened and okay with everything these days,” continued Jane. “But it’s okay if you’re a little freaked, or if Annie or Kate or Sasha is freaked. I don’t expect everyone to think that this is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to anyone. I mean, I’m still getting used to it, and I certainly don’t want you guys being more well-adjusted than I am.”

  Cooper laughed. “Believe me,” she said. “We’re so not.”

  She turned onto her street. “I need to stop home before we meet up with everyone,” she said. “It will just take a minute.”

  The truth was, she wanted to check on her mother. Since she and her father had confronted Mrs. Rivers, things had gotten even more tense. Now her mother spent most evenings in her room. When Cooper did see her, her mother barely spoke to her. It was like living with a stranger, and it hurt Cooper to see it happening. But even though she’d tried twice more to talk to her mother, Mrs. Rivers wouldn’t discuss what was going on. She was gone before Cooper left in the morning, and when she came home she headed right for her room, usually carrying a glass in one hand and a bottle in the other.

  Even though her mother was shutting her out, Cooper still wanted to make sure she was okay. Cooper knew what it felt like to think you were alone with a problem, and she knew that eventually her mother would decide to talk about it. She just needed time. Until then, Cooper was keeping an eye on her.

  They reached the house and Cooper parked the car. She hesitated before she got out. Should she ask Jane to come with her? She hadn’t told Jane about her mother’s recent problems, not wanting to dump on her friend when she was going through her own issues. But she thought it would look weird if she asked Jane to wait in the car. Perhaps, she thought, Jane would mistakenly believe that Cooper was trying to hide her from her mother, instead of the other way around.

  “Come on in,” she said finally. “I don’t think you’ve ever seen the house, right?”

  Jane shook her head. “You’ve always come to mine,” she said, opening her door.

  They walked up the path to the front porch. Jane stood there, looking up at the old stone house. “This is amazing,” she said.

  Cooper sighed. “Welcome to historic Welton House,” she said, adopting her best tour guide voice. She often had to show tourists around the historic home her family lived in, and she had the patter memorized. She opened the door and ushered Jane inside. “We will begin our tour in the entry hall. Please do not touch anything or employ flash photography.”

  Cooper gave a quick glance into the living room to see if her mother was in there. She wasn’t. Good, Cooper thought. She’s in her room, where Jane won’t see her.

  “This place is gorgeous,” said Jane, admiring the polished wood and the antique furniture. “I can’t believe you actually live here.”

  “Neither can I sometimes,” Cooper replied. “Come on, I’ll show you my room.”

  They started up the stairs, but came to an abrupt stop halfway as Mrs. Rivers appeared at the top. She was wearing the same clothes Cooper had seen her in the night before, and her hair was a mess. Even worse, her makeup had smeared on her lips and eyes, and she looked like she had been crying and rubbing her hands across her cheeks. She looked at Cooper and Jane with unfocused eyes, surveying them as if she had no idea who they were or where she was.

  “Hi, Mom,” said Cooper, praying that her enthusiastic tone would snap her mother out of her haze so that she would at least appear normal for a few seconds until Cooper could rush Jane past her and into her bedroom, where she planned on making up a really good story about the flu and the effects of cold medication to explain her mother’s appearance.

  Instead, her mother began coming down the stairs, holding on to the railing and taking heavy steps. She pushed past Cooper and Jane and kept going. Then, almost at the last step, she slipped and fell heavily, crashing onto the stairs and sliding to the bottom like an overgrown child letting herself bump noisily from step to step. At the bottom she slumped against the stairs, not moving.

  “Is she okay?” Jane asked Cooper, her face knotted up in an expression of concern.

  “No,” Cooper said. “She’s not.”

  She went down the stairs and knelt beside her mother. Hooking an arm on her elbow and another around her waist, she attempted to help her up. But her mother pushed her away.

  “Leave me alone,” she said, her words heavy. “Just leave me alone like everyone else.”

  “Come on, Mom,” Cooper said. “Let’s just get you to the couch, okay?”

  “I said leave me alone!” her mother snapped, slapping at Cooper’s hands as if she was swatting a fly. “I just want to be alone!”

  Cooper let go and her mother slumped back down, her head rolling forward as she leaned against the wall. She looked like a rag doll someone had thrown down the stairs, discarded and forgotten. Cooper wanted to hug her, to hold her and tell her that it would all be okay. But her mother didn’t want her to do that. Right now, she knew, her mother wasn’t thinking about anything except how unh
appy she was.

  Cooper looked up the steps to where Jane was watching the scene being played out below her. She had a look of pity on her face, as well as fear. Cooper knew that seeing what was going on must be very difficult for Jane. Cooper walked up the steps to her and sighed.

  “I’m sorry about this,” she said. “She isn’t usually like this. It’s the divorce.”

  “Should we call your father?” Jane asked quietly.

  Cooper shook her head. “He’s out of town,” she said. “He won’t be back until Monday night.”

  “What should we do, then?” asked Jane.

  Cooper looked down at her mother. Mrs. Rivers was slowly pulling herself up, using the handrail to steady herself. Once she was up she started for the kitchen, moving like a machine whose wiring had short-circuited but that was determined to make it to its destination.

  “We’re going to leave,” Cooper said. “That’s what we’re going to do.”

  She went upstairs and into her room, where she took a bag from her closet and began throwing some clothes into it.

  “What are you doing?” asked Jane, watching her from the doorway.

  “I can’t be here with her when she’s like this,” said Cooper. “I need to stay somewhere else for a couple of days. Then maybe she’ll be ready to talk. But right now she needs to work this out by herself.”

  “Are you sure she’ll be all right?” Jane said.

  “No,” Cooper answered. “I’m not sure of that at all. But I have to hope that she will be.”

  She finished packing her bag and zipped it closed. Then she picked up her guitar, her backpack with her schoolbooks and supplies in it, and the bag. “Let’s get out of here,” she said to Jane.

  They left her room and went downstairs. Mrs. Rivers was in the kitchen, making a lot of noise as she rummaged through the refrigerator.

  “I know I just bought more orange juice,” they heard her say belligerently. “Where is all the orange juice?”

  “Are you going to tell her?” Jane asked as Cooper paused at the door.