Without even thinking about what I was doing, I reached over and touched her hands. Tears filled my eyes and eventually started falling down my face, dripping onto my mom’s beautiful pink dress. I knew it well, since my grandmother had made it for her years ago. After she passed, my mother dabbled in sewing. She made all kinds of things, even my prom dress.
Just thinking of prom made me reminisce about that night. Since I couldn’t be Ty’s date, I ended up going with Mike, a guy we all grew up with. He was nice, and we even dated for a while, but it was just to try and make Ty jealous. When he and Van would fight, he would call me and take me out to this place near the football field. Most times, we would end up screwing in the back of his pickup truck.
I remembered passing him near the bathroom that night. He looked so good dressed up in a tux. My heart beat out of my chest when he whispered in my ear how hot I looked. I asked him what he was doing once the after party was over, but he said he was spending the night at the barn with Van. It broke my heart, even when I was used to being ‘the other’ girl. Ty only used me, I know that now. He never cared about me or how he affected me. He didn’t understand that I lived and breathed to feel him touching me.
I was a fool to think that he cared about me, yet I kept being drawn to him, no matter how happy he was with Van.
I closed my eyes and shook off that memory. Van was here and that was all in the past. I wasn’t that girl anymore and Ty was just someone I once cared deeply for. Jessie was the one I wanted. He was who I wanted to share my future with.
I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see that Van was standing there beside me. “I see you made it up here.”
“Yeah. I can’t look at her face though. I’ve just been staring at this dress, thinking about the one she made me for prom.” I looked down at the dress again and traced the fabric with my fingertips.
“Your dress was gorgeous. I didn’t know she made it.”
“I guess we weren’t exactly friends back then.”
“If it means anything, you should have dated Ty, not me. You were the cheerleader and he was the football player. I was just the nerdy girl he always wanted to rescue. For all I know, he probably even told you that himself.”
I looked at her taking my eyes off of my mother’s dress. “He never did. How pathetic is that? I kept trying even though I knew the whole time that he’d never love me. I let it ruin my life.” I wiped away my tears. “I wish we would have been friends instead. I’ve never met anyone like you, Van. You put yourself down back then, but you didn’t know how jealous I was of you. My God you’re gorgeous, you had a great boyfriend and got good grades. I was so envious of your life.”
She smiled. “You were the popular one. I could count my friends on one hand. When we got to college, after his accident, I didn’t have any friends.” Her smiled faded and she looked saddened.
“I blamed you, but I was the biggest part of that night going down the way it did.”
She sort of laughed and shook her head. “Well, for the first time Ty was single. I would have jumped on that too. My temper was what landed him in that hospital. I was jealous.”
We both smiled. “He’s an ass!”
“Yeah, he certainly is. Nothing has changed either. He still gets on my nerves daily. Although, I couldn’t have gotten through the past year without him. You probably don’t know this, but he knew about the cancer before anyone else. He actually flew to Kentucky to take me to the doctors when Colt was away. He held my hand and was the best friend to me.”
I must have looked shocked, because she kept going, like she wanted to explain.
“We’re best friends; nothing more. He’s my family now and I love him dearly, but there’s nothing going on with us besides that. He’s different now and devoted to his family. Miranda keeps him in check and to be honest, without hurting your feelings, he’s never been in love like he is with her. The way he looks at her and protects her is intense. His kids are the same. You saw firsthand what he went through to protect Bella. Now they have the twins and as crazy as they are, they make him proud. He’s happy.”
If she could say that without getting offended than I could certainly hear it and be alright. “I’m glad he finally was able to find happiness.” Sensing that I needed to change the subject, I turned and finally looked at my mother’s face. I was shocked that I’d done it, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. “Oh God.”
“Take a couple deep breaths.” She stood there with me as I looked at my mother. The mortician had done a great job, making her look beautiful. I was glad he knew her personally. “Breathe, Heather.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, while staring at my mother’s closed eyes. “She looks peaceful.”
“She does.” Van stood close to me, looking at my mother, while supporting me from freaking out.
“Thank you for being here, Van. You talk about not having friends, but it seems that we’ve switched places. I’m the one who has no friends and your life is full of them. My mother probably wishes that I was like you. I feel like I’ve failed her.”
“My mom said she talked about you and Jacob all the time. You’re her daughter, Heather. Of course she was proud of you.” Van was trying to make me feel better. It made me feel uneasy, considering it was coming from someone that should despise me. If I were her, I would have.
“Thank you. Not just for saying such nice things to me, but for being here. I don’t know how I could have gotten through today without the support.”
She smiled. “Like I said before, your kind words helped me when I had no idea what was happening. I think I’m just doing you the same favor.”
I looked at my mother, finally taking in her beauty. She’d been through so much and it had aged her, but she was still stunning for her age. With Van still standing at my side, I reached over and touched my mother’s cold hands. It was just another reminder that she was gone. Around the casket were items that people had put inside. Cards, letters and even jewelry was tucked into the sides. I appreciated how much she was loved by her community. I envied her ability to find the good in people and put up with my antics. She died too young.
Van didn’t stand up there with me the whole time. She said her goodbyes and left me to stand there with my mother. At first, I didn’t think I wanted to say anything out loud. Standing there and being close to her was enough. When I knew that it was almost time for the casket to be closed, I knew it was then or never. This was the last time I was ever going to be able to touch my mother. Death was a vicious thing, taking our hearts with it as our loved ones passed away. I’m sure if anyone was listening they wouldn’t have been able to make out what I was saying, because my sobbing was out of control. It didn’t stop me though. “Mom, there’s so much that I want to say to you. I guess I should have said it all while you were still here with us. You can add it to the list of reasons that made me such a handful. I’m so sorry for disappointing you, over and over. I never meant to make your life so hard. If I’d known that our time was limited, maybe I could have done things differently; maybe it would have made me want to make you proud. Instead, I ran around, causing trouble for people who didn’t deserve it. I was selfish and didn’t consider that my actions would result the way they did. I hope that you can forgive me, Mom. I need to know you forgive me. I promise that I’m going to be the best mother I can be. Jacob will be my first priority. I’ll make you proud, even if I have to die trying. I love you more than I can even put into words. Thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for being my mom. Rest now. You’re not in pain anymore. Goodbye, Mom.” I leaned down and kissed my mother’s cold cheek, keeping my lips on her skin for a brief moment. When I lifted my head, I saw my tears causing her face makeup to run.
Hands were on my shoulders and I turned around and buried myself in Jessie’s chest. I wasn’t sure how long he’d been standing there, but I knew it was him who was holding me. “I can’t believe she’s really gone,” I cried.
“Shh,
you need to calm down. I know it’s hard, but with time, it will get easier. I promise, babe. The funeral director needs to close things up here, so they can transport your mom’s body to the church. Are you ready to leave, or do you want some more time alone with her? I can take Jacob outside again and wait for you.”
I looked into those blue eyes of his and tried my best to smile. “I don’t want you to leave.” I grabbed his hand and turned to face my mother again. “She always liked you.”
“She was a nice woman. I think she liked everyone.”
I shook my head, but never took my eyes away from my mom. “No, she didn’t like everyone. You were the first. She said you were the fresh start that I needed. She said I needed to get far away from this town to be happy. She was right.”
He squeezed my hand, forcing me to look his way. A half smile formed on his mouth as he tried to get me to smile. “I’ve always loved you, Heather.”
“But like you said before, it’s not enough, right?”
Chapter 8
Jessie
Heather had me in a corner, asking me something like that when we were standing there in that situation. How could I hurt her feelings as she was standing next to her dead mother’s body? I wasn’t that much of a douche.
Sure, I was confused about my feelings toward her. One day I knew her and the next she was someone completely different. That wasn’t even touching on the surface of her involvement with Rick. That’s why I wanted to hear the truth from someone else. I felt like in order to give it another go, or call it quits forever, the truth was going to give me that answer. I’d spent too much time already deliberating with myself on what to do. Loving Heather came with complications from the beginning, but I wasn’t about to have my whole life revolve around lies that I was unable to wrap my head around.
So apparently, that girl Van had suffered from cancer. At some point, Heather had given her advice and it had helped her.
Good for Heather.
Van was a kind and attractive woman, it’d be a damn shame if she was taken away too soon from her family and friends. I could see the twinkle in Heather’s eyes when Van showed up at that funeral home. I think she’d given up on having any peaceful interactions with the people from her hometown.
Once we got to the church, after a ten minute ride of Jacob asking all about dead people, which I might add did not go over with his mother, Heather seemed to be in better shape. She said that she was happy so many people showed up and she was finally able to walk up and say her goodbyes. Of course, I saw how hard it was for her. Imagining that it was my own mother made me sad too. My aunt may not have been my real mother, but in my heart she was the only one I had.
Miss Kat was Heather’s lifeline. She kept her daughter safe, no matter what she’d done. She guided her to be a better person and then she became a grandmother, providing the guidance that Heather needed to be a good mother herself. Now, she didn’t have that person to call when she was upset or worried about her son, which meant, like it or not, she was going to rely on me more.
As sneaky as it was, I had to know the truth about her. I had to know that she was someone that I could trust with my heart and my life. Right now, I just felt like I’d been kept in the dark when all I really wanted was the truth.
The church filled quickly with many of the same people that attended the viewing. Right on time they brought in the closed casket and put it up at the alter. Heather and I sat in the front pew. Jacob was being on his best behavior because we stopped on the way and got him chicken nuggets and fries. He swung his feet, seated next me, nibbling on them quietly.
In the years that I’d been with Heather, I’d never come to church with her and her mother since Heather never wanted to go. When we visited we stayed at her mother’s house, never going out to dinner or to shop. The pastor was an older man. He seemed kind enough and his wife and kids were the same way; super friendly and generous. They were making sure the downstairs was set up for the wake while the pastor was doing the service. It already felt like a long day, but it was really just beginning.
Heather had made it through the first difficult step. Now she just needed to get through the rest of the day. Trying as it may be, I knew she could do it. If anyone was strong willed, it was going to be her.
After sitting for more than fifteen minutes, the organist started playing a song and everyone got quiet. I reached over and held Heather’s hand through the service. She needed the support. There was no way I could be a dick to her when she was going through such a trying time.
A couple people that she knew stood up and said something nice. I never expected to see Heather stand, but she did. She walked up to the podium and closed her eyes for a second before beginning to speak.
“Thank you all for coming. I’m sure my mom would be pleased with how many people cared about her.” She paused for a moment and I could tell she was choking up. “My mom was my best friend; my only friend at times. When I was a little girl, she worked two jobs to give me and my brother a good life. I remember one Christmas, when I was five years old, that I can never forget. You see, we’d had to move into my grandmother’s house, after losing ours. My mother was wreck. We did everything we could to behave to try to make her smile, but again, I was five and my brother was seven. Neither of us knew the meaning of a dollar, or what bills were. So one night she sat us down, while in tears herself, and told us that she wasn’t going to be able to give us a Christmas. She said that one of her jobs had fired her and she couldn’t afford to buy us presents.”
Heather smiled through her tears. “Of course, my grandmother bought us a few gifts, but she was living off of my grandfather’s social security. We didn’t have any other family, so it wasn’t like they could make up for what my mother couldn’t do. She cried for weeks leading up to that day, but when we woke up Christmas morning, there were presents from Santa under the tree.”
She wiped her eyes with a tissue. “I didn’t understand about Santa until I was older. She acted like it was Santa who had given us Christmas, but it was really her.”
Heather smiled again and looked down at Jacob. “Last year my mother told me that she’d gone out and pawned her jewelry to get money to buy us presents. One of the pieces was my great grandmother’s wedding ring. It was priceless to her, but she gave it up for us.”
She looked out into the audience and froze. I looked back but it was too crowded to see what she was looking at. Finally, she smiled another fake smile and kept going. “She gave up a lot more for us, too. My brother couldn’t be here and I’m sure most of you know why. I wasn’t exactly the easiest child to raise either. Through it all, she stuck by us. I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to lose her. Sometimes I feel like she’s all I’ve ever had. I’m going to miss her so much.”
Heather covered her face with her hands and moved away from the podium. I looked around and saw people watching, so I rushed to her side and helped her come back down to sit.
The pastor walked over to the podium again and said his final blessing before the service was over.
We stayed sitting as the people cleared out of the church. Heather didn’t say anything. Instead, she rested her head on my shoulder and stared at the closed casket as the men stood up and approached it. I’d volunteered to be a pall bearer, so I scooted away from her and headed up myself.
While waiting for everyone to get into position, I noticed a few ladies trying to console her. The thought was nice, but she was going to be hurting emotionally for a while. She said it herself; her mother was her best friend.
The cemetery was located on the back part of the church grounds. One good thing was that the mortuary drove the casket over to the plot and then we just had to carry it a few more feet. Since I was involved in that, I wouldn’t be with Heather as she made her way out to the site. I was a little concerned that she wasn’t going to be able to do it, but in the distance I saw her and Jacob holding hands. She needed that kid, now more than ever.
Onc
e everyone was there, I sat down in the front next to Heather. She found my hand before I could offer her one to hold. I squeezed it, giving her some support without saying anything.
The final prayers were made and the service was over, leaving us sitting there to make our final goodbyes. People walked up and dropped flowers on the casket, before walking away. Heather was sobbing again. I leaned over and whispered in her ear. “Jacob and I will be waiting for whenever you’re ready.”
She grabbed my hand. “Please, don’t go.”
“Okay.” I helped her stand up and the three of us walked over to the casket.
“Is Nana’s body in there?” Jacob asked.
Heather nodded.
“But she’s in Heaven with the other angels, right?”
“Yep, she is,” I answered.
“Can we go inside now? I’m thirsty and I have to pee.”
I leaned over and kissed Heather on her cheek. “When your mom is ready we will go in. Just give her a second.”
She turned and looked at me. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”
I put my arm around her. “She’s at peace, babe. I know that you know that.”
She nodded. “I don’t know how to live without her. She was the only person that I had to talk to. I feel empty.”
I wanted to tell her that she could talk to me, Hell I wanted to be that person, but I wasn’t making promises I couldn’t keep. “You’re going to be okay. You’re so much stronger than you know.”
A few moments later, we were walking back inside the church. We had to make a pit stop for Jacob to use the lavatory and then headed to where the voices were coming from. The fellowship hall was full of people. As we walked in, I saw Heather get that look from before. She froze in place and I followed her eyes. Conner was standing with his wife, Amy and Van. “It looks like more people came to the service. Is that what had you so shocked?”
“I guess I never expected them to be here.”
We didn’t have to walk over to them, because they were making their way toward us. Heather seemed to be uptight about talking to them, maybe because I’d given her such a hard time about Conner earlier. Of course, she had no idea that I’d stopped by and seen him and his wife, wanting answers she wasn’t willing to give.
Losing Him (Mitchell Family Series Book 8) Page 5