Conner was holding his wife’s hand, while Van walked beside them.
Heather smiled. “Thank you for coming. I know you all liked my mother.”
“How are you holding up?” Amy asked.
Heather shook her head. “Not good.” She rubbed Jacob’s head. “It’s just been hard for us. We’re really going to miss her.”
“My dad died when I was a teenager. It was real hard for me and my sister. I know what you’re goin’ through.” Conner was being cordial with Heather, but she refused to look him in the eyes while he was standing with Amy. This was the first time that I’d seen her react that way.
Amy reached out and touched Heather’s arm. “Are you planning on staying in town?”
Heather looked at me and then back to Amy. “Not long. I need to talk to my mother’s attorney and make sure her estate is in order. Then we’re heading home.”
“Oh, I figured you would move into the house.” Van seemed surprised.
“I can’t live here. I mean, I think it’s amazing that you three came to say goodbye to my mother, but I know how this town feels about me. You don’t have to be nice to me. I know I don’t deserve it.” I didn’t get it. What wasn’t she telling me that she’d done? I knew sleeping with people could be construed as awful, but she hadn’t been with that many guys, not that I knew of.
“Heather, this town doesn’t hate you. The things that happened were years ago. I certainly owe my life to you.” Amy replied. She seemed like a nice girl. From what I’d seen, she’d been busy since she’d married Conner. It appeared that they had a slew of kids running around.
“You know why I can’t come back. I can’t run into them.” Heather was obviously holding something back from me.
“The twins are turning six. It’s been a while. I know you won’t ever be friends, but I’m sure you can manage to live in the same town without there being a problem.” Van seemed like she was trying her hardest to make Heather feel better.
She smiled, but shook her head. “I’d never take Jacob away from his grandparents, anyway. Jessie’s home and business are where we live now. We’re happy there.”
“We don’t even live with Daddy,” Jacob interrupted.
I could tell that it made Heather feel horrible, so I put my arm around her. “We’re still a family, buddy. You know that.”
Heather tried to change the subject, not realizing that it was going to cause us to be at a loss for words. “I’m sorry. Jessie, this is Amy. I forgot that you’ve never met.”
Amy’s eyes got real big as she looked at me. I shook my head, trying to convince her to not say anything about me coming to them. I didn’t want Heather to know I was snooping around. Thankfully, the little lady reached out and shook my hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Krista has told me nice things about you.”
“Same here!”
This meeting thing needed to happen, because I wasn’t about keeping secrets like Heather. It was bothering me, having to pretend and sneak around behind her back. Like it or not, the future with my family depended on the truth.
Chapter 9
Heather
I was in awe. The outpouring of support for my mother’s life was downright amazing. I never expected so many people to have been touched by her acts of kindness. It made me more envious of the person that I needed to be.
The most shocking part was seeing Amy, Conner and Van there. I had to remember that they were there for my mother, not me. Van had been so thoughtful, like she always was, when it came to comforting me. I don’t know how I would have been able to find the courage to say goodbye without her there. In all the years I’d been jealous of her, I never considered that it was her nature that made everyone fall in love with her. She was always worried about the people around her, putting herself second.
I didn’t expect us to ever be friends, but it made me smile knowing that if we passed on the road, she wouldn’t be cussing me out. In fact, so many people were kind to me during the service. I appreciated it, even if it were all a show to keep the peace at such a sad time.
Jessie socialized with the Mitchell family while I made my rounds thanking the people that had attended. Jacob, being the only child there, was getting bored and anxious. I knew he was going to start bouncing off the walls at any moment. He’d asked to go outside and play over ten times.
I think, for the most part, I was running on autopilot. With the events of the day overwhelming me, I knew I was going to break down again later, after it all sank in. One good thing was that I had Jessie with me. For some reason, knowing that he was by my side made everything a little easier.
I was still pretty confused with his actions earlier in the shower, but who was I to complain about being able to be close to him like that again. It had been a while and I hadn’t realized just how much I missed that intimate touch.
He was the perfect guy; grounded, responsible, caring. It was all great except for the fact that I had tainted his reputation. Being with me was what his parents feared. They wanted him with a perfect career woman, who waited until her thirties to conceive their planned child
Jessie helped clean the hall up before we left to head back to my mother’s. Jacob complained the whole way that he was hungry, bored and wanted to go home. He was officially over the events necessary to bury and say goodbye to his grandmother. I felt mad, but tried to understand that he was only five. He just wasn’t old enough to understand the complexity of the situation.
I don’t know what I expected when we pulled up at my moms. Maybe I thought it was all a dream and she was going to come walking out to greet us. Whatever the case, I just sat there, staring at the front door that wasn’t going to open.
Jessie climbed out and stuck his head back in. “Heather, are you coming?”
I don’t know why I put him on the spot, but that’s exactly what I did. “Tell me you love me, Jess.”
He took his head out for a second and shook it. “I’m not playing this game with you tonight. It’s been a long day and we’re all tired.”
It made me mad that he couldn’t even say those simple words to me. “Are you going to sleep in my bed tonight?”
“Dammit, Heather. Just come in whenever the hell you feel like it. I’m not doing this with you.”
I watched him walk to the front door, letting him and Jacob in, before closing it behind them.
Why couldn’t he talk to me about feelings? I hated not knowing what was going to happen, especially since he was the only person that I had left, besides my own son. I needed his support and understanding. I wanted us to be together again.
After a couple minutes, I started getting mad about his actions. He was being supportive, but where had he gotten the idea that sleeping with me was going to be okay? He took it to that level, in my most emotional state ever, with no regard for how it would affect me later on.
I stomped up the stairs and found him sitting on the couch, reading something on his phone. It made me madder that he was sitting in here like he didn’t know that I was upset with him. “Why can’t you talk to me?” I stood over him, demanding an answer.
“What if I said what you didn’t want to hear? Would you still want the damn answers?”
It was going to get ugly. We’d been down this road before. “I just want to know where we stand. What happened this morning? Why’d you come to me? I didn’t ask for that.”
“You weren’t complaining!” He said rudely.
“Of course not. All I want to do is be with you. In fact, you knew I wouldn’t be able to say no, so you took advantage of me, didn’t you? You just wanted to fuck me and walk away again, like you always do. I’m not a damn punching bag, Jess. I have feelings. Right now my heart is so broken. Being with you made it all go away, even if it was temporary.” I stood there, in front of him, waiting for him to respond to me.
He put his hands over his face while he thought about what to say. “Heather, can we just sleep on it and talk tomorrow? I’m tired and I’m really b
iting my tongue so I don’t hurt your feelings.”
“It was a simple question. I didn’t ask you to marry me. All I wanted was to hear you say those words.” That stinging in my eyes was happening again and I was fighting to hold back the tears. He couldn’t see me getting emotional over his actions.
Jesse stood up and got in my face. He ran his hand over my cheek and kept it there. “I fucked you in the shower because I was horny. As far as my feelings, right now, I just feel sorry for you. Consider it a pity fuck.” He walked away from me, leaving me there alone in the living room.
I fell to my knees, burying my face into my hands. He could probably hear me, but he never came back out. Jessie had said worse things than that, but he always knew when it would get to me the most. I got that he thought I didn’t deserve his love, but he had a terrible way of speaking to me. He was still so angry, after all this time, and I guess that being there, around the people that were affected, was too much for him. He probably felt embarrassed that he was ever with such a monster.
I wondered if I would ever be able to break free of my past. Even starting over with someone new would require me to tell the truth. I knew that was what Jessie was so angry about. He wanted to hear what I’d done that was so bad. All he knew was about the sex parts. He didn’t know the real story about what I’d done to Ty. He had no idea that I’d drugged him and taken pictures to make his wife leave him. He didn’t know that my actions almost killed her and her twins.
I cried harder, knowing that I will never going to be able to move forward unless I came clean. Like it or not, I was going to have to be honest. I shook my head, knowing the inevitable was going to have to happen. With nothing else to lose, I stood up and starting walking down the hall to find where Jessie had gone.
He was tucking Jacob in. I leaned against the doorframe, trying to keep my tears at bay. When he looked up and noticed me standing there, I could see the content in his eyes. He didn’t want to hash things out again.
“I’m ready to tell you everything, Jess.”
His one eyebrow cocked up. Jessie leaned down and kissed Jacob goodnight, then stood up and started walking toward me. He followed me back into the kitchen, where our fight had begun. He face was unreadable as he sat down and folded his hands. “You told me all this before and then I found out from my sister that it wasn’t the truth. What makes this time different?”
I looked up at him. “I’m tired of fighting about it. If you’re going to leave me and walk away from this, at least I will know it was because you couldn’t handle the truth, instead of you not being able to handle not knowing it.”
“Heather, you do realize that if it’s that bad, I may not be able to get past it?”
I nodded and started tearing up again. “Yeah, I know. I already feel like I’ve lost you, so telling you seems like the right thing to do. At least you can walk away with the truth.”
“For what it’s worth, I appreciate you being honest with me. No matter what happens, I did love you, Heather. I just can’t deal with the bullshit.”
“I know,” I said sadly. “I’m used to being hated. If I were in your shoes, I’d hate me too.” I paused for a moment and looked up into those blue eyes. “Can you just promise me that you’ll keep it from Jacob? He doesn’t need to know the person I used to be. I’m his mother; I’d die before I’d let anything happen to him. Please don’t tell him.”
He reached over and touched my hand. “You know I’d never do that. I know you love our son. I won’t tell him, alright?”
I smiled, but it wasn’t because I was happy. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest, while my body shook in fear. This wasn’t exactly easy for me. I’d never come out and admitted what I’d done to someone. In fact, I’d always thought that I could get away with never talking about it again. People didn’t understand how much it hurt me to look at my own child and remember the time when I almost killed two, out of stupidity. They didn’t see that every time I looked at Jacob when he was born, I thought about those little twins hanging onto life. They didn’t know that I feared losing my child every single day of my pregnancy, because I didn’t deserve to be a mother. They didn’t know that I’d considered giving my baby up for adoption because I didn’t think I could take care of someone else, when I couldn’t even manage to be responsible myself.
Jessie was the reason that everything changed. When he came back and told me that he wanted to be a part of our child’s life, the fear and pain went away. Now, imagining being without him forever was ripping me apart.
“You already know most of it.”
“Heather, tell me. I want to know that deep dark secret that you haven’t told anyone. I want to know what you did. Why does Tyler and his wife hate you so much? Why are you so surprised that Van and Amy showed up today? What the hell are you hiding from me?”
My lip quivered as I cried in fear of seeing him walk out my door. I suppose that it could have been worse; I could have been a real murderer. This was going to be bad enough. I knew Jessie and this wasn’t going to fly. I should have never agreed to tell him. I’d rather him walk away not knowing. I had to change my story. I had to keep the awful truth locked away if I had any hope of us being a family again.
Chapter 10
Jessie
She was stalling. I could tell that I wasn’t going to like what she was about to tell me, but I’d known that when I found out she’d been keeping something big from me.
I realize that people can change, but it’s the fact that she kept it from me for so long. I’d begged her to come clean, to trust in me; to trust in us, but she refused. Her inability to reveal her big secret made me feel like she probably kept other things from me too.
I knew Heather had a hard life. She’d pretty much mistaken sex as love for years. I’ll never forget our first night together. She trembled at my touch, because for the first time, she was with someone that genuinely cared for her. It wasn’t her looks that first attracted me to Heather. I guess I liked that she was broken and running. I wanted to take care of her and make her see that she could feel safe with me. I wanted to protect her, and even have a future together.
Had it not been for the truth coming out, I think we’d still be together, raising our son in a loving environment. Instead, we spent most of our time arguing and avoiding the obvious. We were a broken family. I got that part of it was on me, not being able to move on. I’d been betrayed by someone that I thought I could trust.
It wasn’t just her knowing Rick. It was so much more. She’d come to my town for dirt on him, not to seduce me. I got that. Still, what happened between us never would have happened had I known the truth. I could have sent her on her way and never looked back.
Her web of lies forced me to be in a relationship with her. I couldn’t walk away because we had a child. Now, after all this time, I was done trying to make it work. I wanted the truth or I was gone. Jacob would be fine. We lived close enough that we could share custody, if I decided to take that route.
Heather was crying, but after she poured a glass of wine, she sat back down and looked right at me. I watched her fingers rolling around the top of her glass as she thought about what to say to me first. “Jessie, if I tell you this, I know it isn’t going to make you stay with me. I know you and you are going to hate me, more than you do already. I just wanted to forget about it myself. It wasn’t just because I didn’t want you to know. What I did hurts to admit. I still can’t forgive myself for it. I can’t get past it.”
She cried even more, leaving me waiting for this big reveal. I was done feeling sorry for her. “Just tell me. Don’t you trust me?”
She nodded. “I’ve always trusted you. You’re a good man. You live by strict morals and I admire that about you, so much. That’s one of the reasons that I fell in love with you. You’re the best man I’ve ever known. You see the good in people and appreciate them for their flaws.”
“That’s because they’re honest, which is something
you’ve never been. Don’t you get that? I’ve given you the benefit of doubt. I’ve stayed and tried to work things out, even after I found out why you showed up at my door. I protected you, shared my life with you, but you had more secrets. How am I supposed to be with you, Heather? You’re full of lies and secrets. Who would have the patience for that shit?”
She shook her head. “Nobody. I know it’s my fault, okay?”
“Just get this over with. I’ve waited all these years. Don’t you think I deserve to know?”
“Yes.” She looked down and then back up at me. “Can you just tell me one last time? I just want to hear you say the words, even if you don’t mean them. I know you don’t want to, but I just need to hear them.”
I knew what she wanted to hear. I looked right into her blue eyes. “I can’t.”
She cried more. “I deserve that.”
“You have five seconds to start talking to me and then I’m going to bed. It’s been a long day and I can tell that you don’t want to do this.”
“I’m sorry, it’s hard for me. Can you just be nice while I find the words?”
“How about you find the truth and spit it out!”
She wiped away her tears and took a big drink of her wine. “You already know who it has to do with. Nobody knows that he made promises to me. He told me we’d be together.”
“Who? Tyler?”
She smiled for a second. “I’d loved him since I was a little girl, but when we hit puberty, it became more intense, I guess because it was real for me. Every waking second of the day I thought about being together. We’d grown up together, shared the same friends, and interests. He was my first you know.”
“Your first as in you lost your virginity to him?” I could have figured that much, since she was so obsessed with him.
Losing Him (Mitchell Family Series Book 8) Page 6