the Wedding (2000)

by Steel, Danielle

  I'm still in San Francisco, he explained easily. I had a great weekend with the girls. Now that the case is settled, I feel as though I have a huge weight off my back. It's terrific. And apparently, so was his weekend.

  I'm glad to hear it. When are you coming back to L.A.?

  I thought I'd take the six o'clock. I could come by around eight.

  That would be fine, she said, feeling like a robot, and he finally picked it up as he listened.

  Is something wrong? He didn't sound concerned, only surprised. She was usually so cheerful. Are you still tired after the trip?

  Yes, I am. More than she had ever been in her life. I'll see you at eight then.

  Great. He hesitated for an instant, as though sensing that more was needed than usual, and for once he was willing to give it. He was very artful at covering his tracks. Allegra ' I really missed you.

  So did I, she said, her eyes filling with tears again. So did I. I'll see you later, she said, covering it again.

  Do you want to go out to dinner? She was surprised he had the energy after his weekend with Miss Peekaboo Nightgown, or maybe she was already an old flame and didn't require quite as much zeal as it had appeared to Allegra.

  Actually, I'd rather stay here. What she had to say to him she couldn't say in a restaurant, or any public place. The next four hours seemed endless to her. She needed to get it off her chest as soon as possible, for her own sake.

  She went for a long walk that afternoon, and called her parents. She told her mother she had to go into the office and work late that night.

  On Sunday? That's ridiculous, Blaire said, worried about her. She worked much too hard, and she sounded exhausted.

  I've been gone for a week, Mom. I'll come by sometime this week.

  Take care of yourself, Blaire said, and for once she didn't ask about Brandon. Allegra was grateful for that.

  She ate a yogurt for dinner, tried to watch the news on TV, but found she didn't know what she was seeing, and eventually she just lay down and waited on the couch. She heard him in the driveway at eight-fifteen, and when she heard his key in the door, she sat up. She had given him the key over a year before, and he looked happy and relaxed as he smiled at her and came to give her a hug where she was sitting. But she avoided him completely, and surprised him by standing up to greet him. She took a step backward from him, looking him over. She was searching his eyes, but there were no answers there to any of her questions.

  He looked shocked. She was usually so affectionate and so friendly, it startled him when she avoided him, and for a long moment, she didn't speak at all, as they stared at each other in silence. Is something wrong? he asked her finally.

  I think so. Don't you, Brandon? It was all she said, and she could see a muscle in his neck become tense immediately as he became wary.

  What's that supposed to mean?

  Maybe you should tell me. I have the feeling suddenly that some things have been going on that I knew nothing about, Brandon. Things that maybe you should have mentioned.

  Like what? He stood looking at her, beginning to get angry, but she knew it was a defense. He'd been caught, and he sensed it even before she told him. I don't know what you're talking about. He walked across the room, and watching him, she sat down again.

  Yes, you do. You know exactly what I mean, you're just not sure how much I know, and neither am I. I guess that's what I want to know now. How often, and for how long? How many women have you been screwing? Have you been cheating on me for the whole two years, or did it start recently? When did it start, Brandon? All of a sudden I remember all the times you went to San Francisco, all the times you told me you wanted to be alone with the girls, or you and Joanie had to talk. That doesn't even take into account the time you went to Chicago, and the deal you were supposedly making in Detroit. So what was it? She looked at him coolly. All the pain she'd felt for two days was suddenly ice cold. Where do we start?

  I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, he said, trying to make her sound and feel foolish. But he looked pale as he sat down. And she saw that his hands were shaking when he lit a cigarette.

  This must make you very nervous. It would me, if I were in your shoes, she said, watching him. The thing is, I just don't see the point. Why bother? We're not even married, why cheat on me? Why not just call it a day before it gets to that point?

  What point? he said, trying to look confused. He would have liked to imply that she was crazy, but he didn't quite dare. He could see easily that she was seething.

  The point you were at this weekend, at the Fairmont. Surely, I don't have to spell it out. Her long blond hair hung over her shoulders, and she had no idea how lovely she looked in her blue jeans and an old navy blue sweatshirt.

  What is all that supposed to mean? He was playing it to the end, and she looked at him with utter contempt.

  All right, if you want things made a little clearer though if I were in your shoes, I don't think I'd do that. I called your office on Friday, and your secretary told me the case was over and you were going to San Francisco to see the girls. So, fool that I am, I decided to surprise you, and I changed my ticket from New York. His face was getting whiter and whiter as she spoke, but he continued to look calm and smoke his cigarette, as his eyes narrowed.

  I flew to San Francisco, she went on. The flight was delayed, but I'll spare you all that. I got to the Fairmont about eleven-thirty Friday night, and I thought I'd surprise you and just slip into bed. They gave me the room key when I said I was Mrs. Edwards.

  He looked annoyed as he stubbed out his cigarette. They really shouldn't do that.

  I guess not, she said sadly. It wasn't a pretty story, and telling it to him brought it all back. Anyway, I let myself into the room, and I guess, all things considered, I got lucky. You and your friend were out. At first I thought I had the wrong room, but then I recognized your briefcase and your jacket. What I didn't recognize though, was everything else. It wasn't mine, it wasn't Nicky's or Stephanie's, it wasn't Joanie's. So whose was it, Brandon? Should I bother to ask, or do we just call it quits and forget it? She sat staring at him and he looked at her in total silence, searching for words with which to answer. For a long moment, he found none.

  You had no business being there, Allegra, he said at last, which truly startled her. She couldn't believe that.

  Why not?

  You weren't invited. Considering that, maybe you got what you deserved. I don't just show up when you go away on business. We don't belong to each other; we're not married. We have a right to our own lives.

  Really? She looked at him, truly amazed at what he was saying to her. I thought we were more or less, what do they call it these days steadies? Or is that pass+!? We're not live ins, so what are we? I thought we were both monogamous, but apparently not.

  I don't owe you any explanations. I'm not married to you, he said as he stood up.

  No, you're not, she said, watching him. You're married to someone else.

  That's what bothers you, isn't it? The fact that I maintained my own independence. I'm not owned by you, or anyone else. You don't own me, Allegra. You never will, not you, or your family, or anyone. I do exactly what I want.

  She had never understood the depths of his resentment; she had no idea that that was how he felt. I never wanted to own you. I just wanted to love you, and maybe eventually be your wife.

  I'm not interested in that. If I were, I'd have gotten divorced. But I never have. Couldn't you figure that out? She not only felt hurt, she felt stupid. The message had been clear, just as Dr. Green had said, and she had ignored it. She hadn't wanted to hear it, just as she didn't want to hear it now. But they were both angry, and it was all finally getting said. And it was very painful.

  You took advantage of me, she accused him from across the room. You lied to me, you cheated! You had no right to do that. I was decent to you, Brandon, that's not fair!

  Fair is a lot of bullshit, who do you know that's fair in this world? D
on't give me that crap. You have to look out for yourself, Allegra.

  By screwing another woman when you tell me you're with your children? What kind of shit is that?

  It's my life, it's my business, they're my kids. All you ever wanted was to horn in on everything, and be a part of it. I never wanted that, and you knew it.

  No, I didn't, she said plaintively. I never understood that. And maybe you should have explained it, before it came to this, and we both wasted two years of our lives.

  I didn't waste anything, he said smugly. I did exactly what I wanted.

  Get out of my house, she said as she looked at him, and she truly meant it. You're a miserable human being, you're a liar and a cheat, and I've been carrying your emotional deadweight for the last two years. You don't give anything to anybody, not to me, or your friends, or the people you meet, or even those you pretend to care about. You don't even give anything to your kids. You're so worried that someone's going to get under your skin, or make you feel something, or ask for a commitment. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being. Now get out of my house.

  He hesitated for just an instant, glancing toward her bedroom, and she stood up and walked to the front door and held it open for him. You heard me. Get out. I mean it.

  I believe some of my clothes are still in your bedroom, Allegra.

  I'll mail them to you. Good-bye. She stood there and waited and, looking as though he would have liked to strangle her, he brushed past her, without a kiss or an apology, a last look back, a twinge of regret, or even a good-bye. He was completely heartless, and the things he had said to her had cut right through her heart. She had heard all of them, about how he had never been faithful to her, and he had always done what he wanted. He had been selfish and cold, and all the warmth and patience in the world wouldn't have drawn him out. And the worst thing she had heard were the words he hadn't said, the fact that he hadn't loved her. But everything else he had said added up to that. Dr. Green had been right. And Allegra stood there wondering how she could have been so stupid.

  She sat down and thought about it for a long time after he left, and then finally she started to cry. He was what she had said to him, a miserable, selfish human being, but she had still been telling herself for two years that they loved each other, and it hurt terribly to have been so wrong about him. She didn't even dare call Dr. Green for comfort. She didn't want to hear how she had made the same mistake again, nor hear her mother say that it was a blessing he was gone. She knew now that she was better off without him, but it still hurt terribly to realize that she had been so ill-used and so misled by him. He hadn't given a damn about her, and he had pretty much admitted it, as he sat there, smoking on her couch and destroying what was left of her feelings. She wanted to tell someone that she didn't believe it, that it was unfair, that he was a sonofabitch, but there was no one to tell. She was all alone. It was the way she had been when she met him, rejected, alone, jilted by her last lover. She thought she had learned since then, but apparently not. That was the worst part. There was no hiding from the truth now.

  She lay on her bed for a long time after he left, thinking about him, telling herself that she was better off, and remembering how she had felt in his room at the Fairmont. But still, as she looked at a photograph of them in Santa Barbara the year before, when things had been going so well, and she thought she was so in love with him, she felt a sense of loss beyond measure.

  She wondered if he would call her again, if he would ever tell her how sorry he was, how unfair he'd been. But she had already been there twice before, and no one ever did that. They just disappeared after breaking your heart, and moved on to do it to someone else. She had just watched two years of her life walk out the door with Brandon Edwards.

  And it took all the strength she had later that night to get up and turn the lights off. As she did, she stood looking at the view, and thinking about him. She knew she could have called Jeff, and told him she was free, but she didn't want to do that. She needed time to mourn Brandon. However inadequate he may have been, or disliked by her family, she had still loved him.

  Chapter 9

  When Allegra went to work on Monday after her trip to New York, she looked as though she'd been through the wringer. She seemed tired and pale, and Alice commented that she looked tired and thinner.

  What happened to you? she asked discreetly, and Allegra shrugged. It was still very painful. She kept thinking of what a fool she had been, and how long he must have been cheating on her. She felt like a total moron. As she worked throughout the day, she began to realize that her pride was hurt, but she wasn't so sure how devastated she was, or even how much she had loved him. That was the odd thing about it. She was sad, but she wasn't all that sorry it was over. In a way, it was a relief that it had ended. For the last week in New York, she'd been questioning her relationship with him, and she had started to see the things that other people talked about, the distance, the aloofness, the lack of intimacy, the fact that he was never there for her, which was no longer a surprise, if he had ten other girlfriends, or even one. She would never know now how many there were, or how serious they may have been. But knowing there had been any at all not only made her feel angry, but foolish.

  But by midday, she was so busy with the work that had piled up on her desk that she was no longer thinking about Brandon. Bram loved the tour she and the promoters had organized. And Malachi had called from rehab, and said he wanted money, and at his wife's request she had refused him.

  Sorry, Mai. Ask me again in thirty days after you detox, and we'll talk about it.

  Who the hell are you working for? he asked in a fury, and she smiled, scribbling notes for her next meeting.

  I'm working for you. You need to do this. She told him about his tour too, and it distracted him for a little while before he went for his massage and biofeedback. I wish I had time for things like that, she told Alice, gulping a yogurt and a cup of coffee as she went over a contract for a movie deal that had just come in for Carmen. It was fabulous, and she was going to be thrilled with it. It was a film for a very major star, and after it, she would be one for a lifetime. But when Allegra dialed Carmen's number she got the answering machine. Where the hell is she? Allegra muttered. She had tried all the numbers she had for her but nothing answered. Allegra tried to remember other names Carmen had given her, of friends, or of her grandmother in Portland. She had never disappeared that way before, and usually she called Allegra half a dozen times a day, with the most minute problems. This was extremely unusual behavior for Carmen Connors. It-seemed as though absolutely no one could find her.

  There had only been one story about her in Chatter after the Golden Globes, with a picture of Allegra on Alan's arm as they got out of the car, and Carmen just behind them. The story suggested that Allegra was only a beard for them, and that there was a big romance brewing between Alan Carr and Carmen Connors. The funny thing was that, for once, they were ahead of the story.

  Reading it made Allegra think of a message she'd gotten on her home machine while she was in New York, with a phone number that had sounded familiar. She dug through her briefcase for her appointment book. She had written the number, along with several others, on a piece of paper, and stuck it in there. She flipped through it for a few minutes, and finally she found it. She had missed it entirely, and as she looked at it, she recognized the number. It was Alan's number in Malibu. Carmen was staying there, and Allegra remembered he had offered her the house, and Allegra smiled to herself as she dialed the number, and Alan answered.

  She had called him herself at his house in Beverly Hills over the weekend and he hadn't been there. She hadn't even thought of calling him in Malibu because he so seldom went there. And she had been incredibly stupid not to figure out that he was probably still there with Carmen.

  Hi, there, she said innocently, as though she were just calling him for no particular reason.

  Don't give me that, he said, laughing at her. He knew her too well. The answ
er is, it's none of your business.

  What's the question? she asked, laughing at him. He sounded happy and even silly, and she could hear someone talking and giggling in the background, and she was sure it was Carmen.

  The question is where have I been all week. And the answer is none of your business.'

  Let me guess. In Malibu, with a certain Golden Globe winner this year. Am I getting warm?

  You're positively boiling. She called and left you my number anyway, so you're not that great a detective. You had a clue.

  Yeah, and I was too dumb to figure it out. I thought the number sounded familiar, but I didn't get it till just now. So how's life on the beach? It was good hearing his voice again. She had wanted to tell him about Brandon, but she didn't feel like talking about it now, and definitely not in front of Carmen. She didn't like sharing her personal problems with her clients. Alan was different. They'd been bosom buddies since they were children.

  Life is pretty good. He was beaming. Pretty damn good. As he said it, he leaned over and kissed Carmen.

  Aren't you supposed to be working? Allegra had lost track of him. His agent at CAA had done his last contract.

  Not for another month or two. I'm still waiting for final word on this picture.

  Well, I've got a great one for Carmen, maybe she'll beat you to it. Although she wouldn't start rehearsing till June, if she took it.

  Where's it shooting? He tried to sound nonchalant about it, but Allegra knew he had a vested interest.

  Right here in L.A., unlike yours, she added. His movies always seemed to be shot in god-awful, remote places. His next one was going to be shooting in Switzerland, but he'd recently been offered another one for Mexico, Chile, and Alaska. It was a great adventure film, but it was going to be a lot of work, and very rugged. His last one had been shot in the jungles of Thailand, and two of the stuntmen had been killed. Maybe now, with Carmen around, she'd at least get him to stop doing his own stunt work. Does Carmen know where you're going on the next one?

  I already told her. She said she'll come with me. At least Switzerland was civilized, unlike most of the countries he worked in.