How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space

by Brian Olsen

  Contents

  Title

  About This Book

  How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space

  More from Brian Olsen

  The Dystopia Spell: Chapter One

  The Dystopia Spell: Chapter Two

  The Dystopia Spell: Chapter Three

  Also by Brian Olsen - The Dystopia Spell

  Also by Brian Olsen - The Future Next Door

  Also by Brian Olsen - This Is What He Should Have Said

  Also by Brian Olsen - The Unnatural Haunting of Mrs. Beverly Snow

  About the Author

  Acknowledgments

  Copyright

  How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space

  A Multiverse Mashup Novelette

  Brian Olsen

  About This Book

  How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space

  Jed Ryland is an agent of the Crossroads, patrolling the multiverse and saving the day when worlds collide. Swashbuckling pirates battling murderous robots? A slasher killer in a cozy mystery? Martians invading a land before time? Jed’s who you want at your side.

  A starship from the Galactic Union is on a routine mission to evacuate refugees from a doomed colony when a glitch in their transport technology links their universe to another, where a young woman defends her world against the evil forces of the supernatural – evil forces that waste no time in invading this strange new realm. The starship captain doesn’t believe in the undead, the monster hunter thinks lasers are nerd toys, and the vampires are draining the crew dry. It’s up to Jed to step in and save the day! But in a universe governed by science, how do you kill a creature of magic?

  How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space is a stand-alone, 12,000 word novelette in Brian Olsen’s Multiverse Mashup, a series of fast-paced genre-smashing adventures that begins with The Dystopia Spell and continues in Night of the Living Date and The Case of the Empty Throne.

  I passed instantaneously though the void between universes and materialized running through a miasma of thick black smoke. I bumped into someone and skidded to a stop. People were crowded in all around me, covering their mouths and noses, and blinking back tears.

  The smoke proved useful, preventing anyone from seeing me appear out of nowhere, so I took further advantage of the confusion it caused. I sent a mental command to my spanner, the thin metal bracelet I wore tight around my left wrist. The spanner was what allowed me to travel from one universe to another, but it had a few other tricks it could perform. At my mental command, it would shift the molecules of my uniform into a duplicate of any clothing I wanted. The people were mostly wearing tight pastel clothes, made of some shiny synthetic material. There was a man nearby who looked roughly like me – mid-twenties, on the shorter side of average, white and pale, with spiky dark hair – so I had my spanner copy the clothes he was wearing. That would help me blend in, and hopefully spare me a few awkward questions.

  The smoke cleared a little and I took in the scene around me. I was in the middle of a vast hangar constructed of shiny metal. The smoke was coming from a shimmering blue field of energy that stretched the entire width of one end of the room. Also coming out of the energy were more and more people, all dressed the same as those around me. Most of them were human, of various skin colors and ethnicities, but a few were clearly alien. There was a small family of green people with big bug antennae, a woman with a head shaped like a half-moon, a guy with a rocky exoskeleton, and a handful of others. All were in great distress, bursting out of the energy field as fast as they could. They all had luggage with them, metal suitcases or cloth satchels. A few carried small house pets, cats and dogs mostly, but I spotted some chickens and even heard a cow mooing somewhere.

  “Where’s this blasted smoke coming from?”

  The commanding voice cut through the noise of the frightened crowd. A tall, handsome black man entered through an arched doorway at the opposite end of the room. He muttered curt apologies as he maneuvered his way through the crowd towards a bank of controls mounted about twenty feet back from the energy field.

  I got a good look as he passed by me. He was bald, with a neatly-trimmed goatee. A dark blue one-piece uniform showed off his well-toned frame, and a silver badge in the shape of a sun was pinned to his chest. On his right sleeve were five gray chevrons, suggesting a military rank. His handsome face bore a serious scowl.

  A ventilation system in the ceiling drew away much of the smoke and I got a better view of the room. There were more men and women in similar uniforms scattered throughout the crowd. A few were near the door, trying to usher people out, and two were at the bank of controls. None had as many chevrons on their sleeves as the man who had pushed past me. I turned and followed him, trying to be as discrete as possible as I moved through the crowd.

  “Commander Kirin,” he said. “I thought the southern continent was facing flood, not fire.”

  A woman at the controls turned to face him. She appeared human except for the silver tinge to her skin, and had four chevrons on her sleeve. Despite the chaos of the situation, her bearing was calm and she wore a tranquil smile. “It is, Captain,” she responded. “I am unable to determine the source of the smoke. Lieutenant Siparo informs me that there is no fire on the planet.”

  “It’s true,” said the man she had indicated. Siparo was white with red hair, and had a haggard, tired look to him. “The colony’s wormhole terminal was beginning to flood when I wormed up, but there was no fire. And none of the colonists worming through are reporting any smoke on the other end.”

  “Is the problem on our end, then?” the captain asked.

  “That is my assumption,” Commander Kirin replied. “The wormhole is displaying some anomalous energy readings. I have yet to account for them.”

  “The clock is ticking, Commander. The entire southern colony will be underwater in an hour. Analyze the readings later and let the atmospheric controls deal with the smoke. You focus on getting the colonists up here to safety.”

  “Yes, Captain.” She swiveled and returned to her panel.

  The captain stuck his hand out to the wearied Lieutenant Siparo. “Sorry for the delayed greeting. Welcome aboard, Lieutenant. I’m Captain Diop. I doubt this is how you expected your tour of duty on colony world Aras Alpha to go.”

  “With the entire southern hemisphere vanishing beneath the ocean?” Siparo shook the captain’s hand. “No, sir, I did not. I’m just glad the starship Excellence was in the system. It’s an honor to be aboard the flagship of the fleet, despite the circumstances.”

  “How long until the northern colony is ready to take in their southern neighbors?”

  “A few days at least, sir. They were as taken by surprise as we were. Can the Excellence host everyone until then?”

  “It’ll be tight quarters, but we’ll manage. Accompany me to the bridge, Lieutenant. We’re holding a briefing on the situation and I’d like your input. Commander Kirin, join us when you’ve got things in hand down here.”

  “Yes, Captain.”

  The two officers strode through the crowd. I briefly considered following them, but let them go. This wormhole through which the colonists and the smoke were arriving was probably the reason I found myself aboard the Excellence, so that was where I needed to focus my attention.

  My name is Jed Ryland, and I’m an agent of an organization known as the Crossroads. My bosses monitor the multiverse for signs that one universe is crossing over with another in a way that it probably shouldn’t, and send me, or a Field Agent like me, to investigate. We determine if whatever’s causing the universes to interact is dangerous, shut it down if it is, and try our best to clean up any messes that might result. It isn’t always eas
y to figure out what the target of my mission might be, but in this case a big honking wormhole with mysterious smoke and anomalous readings seemed like a pretty good place to start.

  I kept far enough back from Kirin that she wouldn’t notice me, but close enough that I could see the controls. The panel was a large black touchscreen with a bunch of light-up displays and indicators, and the silver-skinned commander ran her fingers across them smoothly as she monitored the wormhole.

  Someone arriving through the energy field caught my eye. He was human, like most of the rest of the colonists, but he was wearing clothes completely unlike theirs. He wore jeans and a white t-shirt, very much like something I might wear on my downtime at home – clothes that belonged in the early twenty-first century, not whatever future century the Excellence belonged to. He looked absolutely bewildered at his surroundings, but let himself get swept along with the crowd, towards the exit at the far side of the room.

  This helped to confirm my suspicions – the wormhole wasn’t only linking up with the planet the captain had called Aras Alpha, but with another universe as well. I pushed my way sideways through the crowd, trying to make my way to the man, to explain to him what had happened and reassure him that I could get him home. I spotted another man in similar clothing further along, someone I must not have noticed when he came through the wormhole, then two more just arriving, both women.

  The first woman was tall and buff, and came through the energy field in a hurry. She stopped short for a moment, her eyes boggling at the spectacle in front of her, but threw a hasty look over her shoulder, saw the other woman, and barreled her way through the crowd.

  The second woman was shorter, but in just as good shape. She was in her early twenties, South Asian, with long dark hair pulled back in a ponytail. She wore an amazing red leather jacket that I instantly coveted, and held a sharpened wooden stick in her right hand. She, too, took a moment to take in her surroundings, which allowed the first woman to gain some distance.

  The colonists were trying to get away from the first woman, who was roughly shoving through them, giving the second woman a relatively clear path to follow. I lost track of the man I had initially been trying to reach, but the woman in the red jacket caught up to her quarry just a few feet away from me.

  She grabbed the taller woman by the shoulder and spun her around. The first woman’s face shifted, taking on a more feral appearance. Her eyes sunk, a slight bony ridge formed on her forehead, and her mouth opened wide, revealing a set of sharp fangs. She snarled.

  The woman in the jacket plunged her pointed stick into the first woman’s chest, right where the heart would be. The woman howled, then burst apart in a cloud of thick black dust, leaving nothing behind.

  All righty. Vampires. Awesome.

  The colonists screamed in horror. The nearest crew members drew shiny pistols that had been attached to the hips of their uniforms and advanced on the woman in the red jacket. Kirin’s expression remained tranquil but she too, though unarmed, advanced on the woman.

  The vampire killer raised her hands in a placating gesture, marred somewhat by the pointed stake she held in one of them. “Sorry, everyone. Sorry for interrupting your...” She looked around. “Nerd convention?”

  “Stay where you are,” Kirin said, “and place your weapon on the floor.”

  “Sorry again, I can’t do that. I kind of need it to save all your lives. I’m going to go do that, and you can get back to your LARPing or whatever’s happening here. Word of advice, though? I’m no expert, but I think you have the costumes wrong. I don’t watch the show but I have a lot of geek friends.”

  “Place your weapon on the floor,” Kirin repeated, “or these security officers will fire.”

  The woman laughed. “Great commitment, Meryl Streep. Look, I get that it looks like I totally just murdered somebody, but I promise I didn’t. You guys keep playing dress-up and I’m going to go after—” She took a step forward.

  “Fire.”

  The officers shot beams of blue energy at the woman. A look of surprise crossed her face before her eyes closed and she collapsed to the deck, the stake falling from her fingers.

  “Take her to the brig. Ensign G’hoth, monitor the wormhole. I’ll be briefing the captain.”

  A blue-skinned woman took over Kirin’s control station. “Yes, ma’am.”

  Kirin picked up the wooden stake then started for the door. I let her get a few feet ahead of me, then followed.

  The corridor outside was wide and brightly lit, made of the same shiny metal as the wormhole room. It immediately branched into a four-way junction. Commander Kirin went straight, but uniformed personnel were ushering the colonists to the left, and from there through another doorway. I didn’t see either of the two men in anachronistic clothing in the crowd.

  With a loud squawk a chicken broke free from a child’s arms and two of the crew members helped her wrangle it. I took advantage of their distraction to duck out of the crowd, following Kirin. I stepped into an alcove filled with control panels, blocking me from sight. I changed my colonist’s clothing into a copy of a crew uniform and gave myself two chevrons, matching the rank of Lieutenant Siparo. I hoped that would allow me to move about the ship freely without attracting attention.

  I stepped back into the hall and saw Kirin just about to enter a doorway at the end. She passed through, turned, saw me following, and stuck her hand in the door before it could close, smiling beatifically at me.

  “Thank you, Commander,” I said as I slipped through. We were in a small chamber, obviously an elevator or transporter of some kind.

  She nodded and let the door close. “Bridge.” When I didn’t speak, she looked at me, an eyebrow raised questioningly.

  “Oh, I’m also going to the bridge, ma’am.”

  She faced front. I felt a faint shake as we started to move. After a moment, she turned to me.

  “I don’t believe we’ve met. Lieutenant...?”

  “Ryland, ma’am.”

  “Have you only just wormed up from Aras Alpha?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  “Did you see the attack in the wormhole terminal?”

  “I did.”

  “Did you recognize either of the colonists involved?”

  “No, ma’am.”

  “Hm.” She faced front again, still wearing a faint smile but with her eyebrows furrowed. “A puzzling situation.”

  “Murder is puzzling, yes, ma’am.”

  She looked at me in surprise, then laughed. As the door slid open, she said, “With me, Lieutenant. Your insight into the incident may be useful. You can report in to Lieutenant Siparo after the briefing.”

  “Yes, Commander.”

  The bridge of the starship Excellence was, well, excellent. It was roughly circular in shape. Control stations, worked by uniformed personnel, lined the outer walls, except for dead ahead, where a massive view screen showed a cloudy blue planet floating in the darkness of space. There was a sunken central level, with two forward-facing control panels and a large chair in the center, where the imposing Captain Diop currently sat. A few other officers stood around him, including Lieutenant Siparo.

  I followed a few steps behind Commander Kirin as she joined the inner circle. There were two officers standing apart, watching and listening from a slight distance, so I stood with them.

  “We’ve already heard, Commander,” the captain said. “A murder. On my ship.”

  Lieutenant Siparo was watching something on a small tablet computer. He ran his fingers through his short red hair. “I can’t explain it, Captain Diop. Aras Alpha is a small, peaceful colony planet. In my year stationed there the worst crimes I’ve seen were an ownership dispute over livestock and a couple of tavern brawls.”

  “The women wore old-fashioned Earth clothing, Captain,” Kirin said. “And the killer spoke as if she didn’t know where she was.” She examined the wooden stake she still carried. “I’ll have to send this to Sciences for examination, but I see no
trace of technology. Nothing that would account for the disintegration of the victim.”

  Siparo squinted at the screen he was holding. “I don’t recognize either of them.”

  “Did you know everyone in both colonies?” the captain asked. “Northern and southern?”

  He nodded. “It’s only a few hundred people. I’ve at least met everyone. I’m sure these two weren’t colonists.”

  “Could there have been a third settlement?” Kirin asked. “One we weren’t aware of?”

  “Either that or they arrived recently on an unscheduled, unregistered ship. They wormed up from the surface, so they had to have been on Aras Alpha with everyone else.”

  Kirin nodded at me. “Lieutenant Ryland did not recognize them, either.”

  Siparo shot me a quick look. “Why would he?”

  “He was also stationed on Aras Alpha.”

  Siparo looked at me again, his brow furrowed. “No, he wasn’t. I’ve never seen this man before in my life.”

  Kirin finally broke her calm expression by frowning. “He is not a member of the Excellence crew.”

  Everyone looked at me. Two officers put their hands on the pistols on their hips.

  “Arrest him,” the captain said.

  I put my hands up. “Okay, Captain, before you do anything rash. There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this.”

  Diop raised an eyebrow. “I’m listening.”

  “Vampires—”

  “Take him to the brig.”

  I should not have led with vampires.

  I could have waited. Let them arrest me, waited for someone to interview me, explained my whole situation. But meanwhile, those two twenty-first century dudes who might possibly have been vampires were loose on the ship, and they might either cause or get into a whole lot of trouble. There wasn’t time to waste with any space judicial process.

  Yeah, I definitely thought all that through and came to a rational decision as to my best course of action. I didn’t just react instinctively when the security officers drew their shiny laser pistols.