How to Kill a Vampire in Outer Space

by Brian Olsen

  Safiya had been watching my fingers with a glazed expression. “Was I supposed to remember that?”

  “No, just this.” I tapped at a vertical yellow line on a display screen. “Everything’s programmed. If anything happens to me, run your finger up along that and we’re golden. Got it?”

  “Got it. Let’s do this before we lose any more space farmers. Try not to die.”

  “You too. You remember how to seal the door?”

  “It’s one button. I remember.” She walked back to the entrance and took a position just to the side, near its control panel. She stood with her back against the wall, stake at the ready.

  “Captain. Commander. We’re good to go.”

  “We’re placing force fields around you, Mr. Ryland,” the captain said. “They should buy you enough time.”

  “There is a chance they will fail when the captain issues his directive,” Kirin interjected. “As I said—”

  “I know, I know,” I said. “The computer’s gonna get buggy. As long as the wormhole controls work, we’ll manage.”

  A shimmer of blue surrounded me and the control station. Across the room, Safiya reached out a hand, then pulled it back as she felt the tingle of the energy field. She gave me a thumb’s up.

  “Captain,” Kirin said. “I’m receiving reports from security teams on multiple decks. They’re being overwhelmed.”

  “All right, Commander. Let’s hope we still have a ship when this is over. Computer!” Captain Diop raised his voice. “Area redesignation. The entirety of Excellence, excluding only the wormhole terminal, is now designated a chapel. I repeat. Every space aboard the Excellence save the wormhole terminal is stripped of its former function and is now officially designated an interfaith chapel. Confirm.”

  “Warning,” came the soft female tones of the ship’s computer. “Altering designation of critical locations may cause unknown errors in ship’s systems. Recommend excepting the following locations from prior command: Bridge. Engine room. Medical bay. Life support access shafts. Maintenance tubes. Escape pods—”

  “Recommendation rejected. Execute command.”

  “Executing. Redesignation complete.”

  Safiya and I didn’t notice any change, but when the captain spoke again, his voice came out of the insignia on my chest, rather than from above. “How are you doing down there?”

  “We’re good, Captain. How are you?”

  “The view screen and some of our control stations are dead. And the lift isn’t working.”

  “And the vampires?”

  “I’m still tracking them,” Kirin replied. “My console is operational. No change yet.”

  I sighed and tapped my foot impatiently. If this didn’t work we had potentially rendered the entire ship unusable for nothing. The ship’s systems used area designation extensively, and the computer’s warning wasn’t an idle one. The outside sensors, for instance, were programmed to rout the information they gathered to a station on the bridge. No bridge, no place to rout the information to. That was just one example – there was no way of knowing what other disruptions my little trick would cause.

  “Captain!” This was Lieutenant Liao, one of the bridge officers. “Getting reports from security. The vampires are retreating. Security says they’re showing signs of pain.”

  “Yes!” Safiya pumped her fist. “I was so not sure that would work.”

  “Really? You were very positive when I suggested it.”

  She flashed me a smile. “I didn’t understand all the geek talk but I wanted to be supportive.”

  I smiled back. “That’s so sweet.”

  “It looks like some are trying the shuttle bay, and the escape pods,” Kirin said. “But they’re moving off. No signs of any launches.”

  “Those were included in the directive,” Diop said. “They’re chapels too, now. The vampires will know there’s only one other way off the ship.”

  “The first few are headed your way.” Kirin’s normally placid voice was tight with tension. “Stay in your force fields. That should keep them occupied long enough for the rest to arrive.”

  I put a hand out, then stretched it all the way. No tingle. No force field.

  “Crap. Yeah, slight problem there, Commander.”

  Safiya’s eyes widened as she made the same discovery. “Oh, that’s not good.”

  “Commander, how much time do we need?”

  “They’re not bothering with hiding now, they’re running through the halls. But with the lifts not working they’ll have to use the access shafts. That will slow them down. I estimate at least six and a half minutes between the first vampires arriving at your location and the last. You’ll need to keep them occupied for at least that long.”

  “Oh, is that all. Let us know when the last guests have arrived at the party, would you?”

  Whatever reply the commander made was drowned out by the screams of approaching vampires, barreling down the hallway towards us. An instant later three of them, all former colonists, ran through the doorway, smoke rising from their bodies. They made right for the controls, but stopped short about halfway across the room when they saw me, stake in hand.

  “Out of the way!” one of them snarled. He was a white-haired, white bearded older man. “We need to get off this ship!”

  “Hey!” The second vampire, a short woman, gave a bright, toothy smile. “It doesn’t hurt in here!”

  The third, an alien with a pig-like snout, nodded. “That was most unpleasant. Why did our skin hurt so badly?”

  “Excuse me.” I tapped my stake on the console. “Are we going to fight or what? I’m feeling a little neglected here.”

  The alien looked me up and down. “I don’t think so. The rest are right behind us.”

  The woman nodded. “None of us know how to operate the controls, anyway. Liutenant Siparo said he can set us down in the northern colony, outside the flooding.” She licked her lips. “Lots of people to eat there.”

  The older man looked thoughtful. “My kids are in the northern colony.” He smiled. “I think I’ll eat them first.”

  He exploded in a puff of black dust, revealing Safiya standing behind, her stake extended.

  “Ugh,” she said. “That was extra creepy.”

  The woman and the alien screeched and lunged for her. I ran and stuck my stake through the woman’s back, while Safiya took the alien out with a punch in the snout followed by a stake in the heart. Two more piles of dust joined the first.

  “Get back to the door!” I shouted. “There are more coming!”

  “You’re welcome!” she shouted back. “Why didn’t you kill them? We need to pick them off before their numbers get too big!”

  “I didn’t want to leave the console. If they mess with the controls I don’t know that I can reset them.”

  More screams came from further down the hall. Lots more.

  Safiya’s eyes widened. “No force fields. Do we have a back-up plan?”

  “The force fields were the back-up plan. The original plan was for us to not be in the room at all so we could seal the door and trigger the wormhole remotely. The back-up plan was for the vampires to waste time breaking through the force fields until they were all here. I’m still figuring out a back-up back-up plan.”

  “My back-up back-up plan is usually just to stab a problem until it goes away.”

  “Let’s go with that.”

  We both knew there’d be too many of them for us to take on, but neither of us wanted to say it. The screams got closer so Safiya put on a grim smile and bolted back to her spot by the doorway.

  I planted myself in front of the wormhole control panel and tapped my communicator. “Commander? How we doing?”

  “There are more than before, Mr. Ryland. Many more. There’s one large wave about to hit you, and many stragglers behind.”

  “I can’t get any security to you in time,” the captain said. “Not with the lifts out. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t write us off y
et, Captain. We’ll hold the line. Just let Safiya know the second the last vamp is inside so she can close that door. That’ll be my cue.”

  “We’re on it.”

  Another wave of vampires ran, screaming and smoking, through the door. About a dozen. Among them were Elliot, the sole remaining twenty-first century vampire, and Siparo, their self-appointed leader.

  It took a moment for them to calm down. I could have run forward and dusted one or two, but that would have left the control panel unguarded, and wouldn’t have done much to even up the numbers. So I stayed put. They had run halfway across the room in their panic, so they hadn’t yet spotted Safiya behind them. But they sure saw me.

  A burly Excellence guard snarled, “Get him.”

  “Wait.” Siparo examined me carefully. “Elliot, explain what just happened to us.”

  “Felt like faith,” the time-tossed vampire replied. “This one time, in a fight, I got thrown through a window into a Quaker meeting house. I burned just like that, until I got back outside.”

  “I chased someone into the chapel on deck four earlier,” another vampire volunteered. “Felt exactly the same.”

  Siparo nodded. “Clever. The captain turned the whole ship into a chapel. Except this room, for some reason...”

  “What does it matter?” the guard snapped. “We can’t stay here now. We’ll have to worm down to the northern colony.”

  “Don’t be an idiot.” Siparo took a step towards me. “We were herded here. They want us in this room.”

  I smiled and shrugged.

  A screaming vampire ran through the door. She collapsed to her hands and knees, panting. “That was horrible! What was that?”

  Siparo looked back over his shoulder at her, and spotted Safiya near the door. “Hm.” He looked back at me. “You’re waiting for all of us to arrive. What then, I wonder?”

  “It’s a surprise,” I said. “I’d hate to ruin it.”

  The guard cracked his knuckles. “Let’s rush him.”

  “He’s probably inside a force field.”

  “Might not be.”

  Siparo pulled a rather short and scrawny colonist out of the pack. “Go and check.”

  “Me?” The colonist looked up at the much more imposing guard. “Just me? Alone? He’ll put that piece of wood in me. Why not the big guy?”

  “He can fight. I don’t want to waste him,” Siparo said, then shoved the little guy at me.

  I felt a little bad turning him to dust, but only a little. If they wanted to take me on one at a time, I was happy to oblige.

  “No force field,” Siparo said. “I doubt that’s intentional. The computer’s probably going haywire.” He scratched his head. “You can’t be trying to worm us somewhere. You don’t have any way to force us through the wormhole. What are you planning?”

  Elliot groaned. “There are two humans in here, and, like, twelve of us! Why aren’t we eating them?”

  Siparo sighed. “Fine. I doubt whatever they were planning will work with the computer malfunctions, but just in case, let’s kill them quickly, before the last of us arrive.” He waved a hand. “All together. Take this one first, then the woman.”

  “Jed!”

  Safiya took a step forward, but I shook my head and she stepped back. We needed the room sealed when the last vampire arrived, and with the computer all wonky, we needed her to do it manually.

  The vampires charged me.

  The big Excellence guard was in front, but he knew how to defend himself. I decided to thin their numbers first, so I staked a colonist next to him. She exploded, and an alien colonist with bright pink skin took her place.

  And that was about it for me. I kicked one in the groin, but it didn’t faze him. I reared back with the stake, but Siparo grabbed my arm and then the rest were on me.

  I’d like to be able to say I put up more of a fight, but let’s be real. I was good, but there were about a dozen of them, all with heightened strength and speed. I had hoped to take at least two of them before being overwhelmed, but one wasn’t too bad.

  For a few seconds the vampires shoved me around roughly as they jockeyed for prime position at my neck. Siparo finally pushed the rest away, but meanwhile my arms were pulled out, my sleeves were torn, and fangs bit into my wrists. I screamed.

  Over their heads I saw Safiya at the door. She was occupied staking the vampires coming into the room. They were arriving in ones and twos, mostly, but fast enough that she was only able to pick the first few off singly. She was faring better than I was, but she’d be overwhelmed too before much longer.

  I had one possible weapon left. Only problem was, I had no idea how to use it. Faith wasn’t my strong suit. I wasn’t an atheist, exactly. I had met plenty of powerful beings calling themselves gods in my travels, and some even had a legitimate claim to being the creators of their respective universes. But I didn’t worship them. I didn’t have faith that any supreme being would be willing or able to help me out of my troubles.

  I had faith in the Crossroads, the organization I worked for. I believed deeply in our mission, and that we helped people. That we were right to do what we did. Safiya had said that non-religious faith was hard to muster, but it was all I had.

  Siparo smiled in my face. His breath was cold on my neck. He bared his fangs.

  I turned my clothing back into my Crossroads uniform. I tried to concentrate on all the good I had achieved over my many missions.

  But I couldn’t. Like trying not to think of an elephant, in trying to think of my successes, all I could think of were my failures. And there were a lot of those. Even when I succeeded in my primary missions, there were always casualties along the way. I never saved everyone. I had made so many friends and lovers across the multiverse, and lost so many more.

  Early on, when I had only just completed my training and been promoted to full Field Agent, one of my first missions went apocalyptically wrong. The details don’t matter anymore, but the situation spiraled out of control and I failed. Catastrophically.

  Two entire universes had been destroyed.

  It wasn’t my fault, they told me. Agents with years, centuries of experience, even, examined my report and the data from my spanner and swore that nobody could have completed that mission. Those worlds were as good as lost before I had even arrived.

  It still felt like my fault.

  “Are you praying?” Siparo said. “Doesn’t feel like you’ve got much faith to draw on, Mr. Ryland.”

  And he sank his teeth into my neck. The pain was horrible, but worse was the sucking sensation as he drew my blood out of me and down his throat.

  I was being eaten alive. But I didn’t panic.

  “That’s it! That’s the last of them!”

  Diop’s voice sounded distant, even though it came from the symbol on my chest. Across the room I saw Safiya. She was almost buried under her own attackers, but through a cloud of black dust she burst forth. She smacked a control on the wall and the door slid shut. Then she was dragged under again, disappearing from my view.

  All I had to do was touch a single control. It was right behind me, but it might has well have been in another universe.

  Still I didn’t panic.

  The suction on my throat eased. Siparo drew back, spitting out my blood.

  “What—” He grabbed my chin roughly. “What did you do? Why are you smiling?”

  “Because I’m going to win.”

  The vampires sucking from my wrists dropped me and clasped their hands over their mouths in pain. Smoke seeped out from behind their fingers.

  Siparo grabbed my shoulders, ready to pull me in again, but immediately snatched his hands away. The symbols of my rank, three gold spirals on each shoulder, were burned into his palms.

  Free now, I spun around and touched the yellow line on the display screen. My hand, slick with blood, glowed as I slid my finger up along it.

  The far end of the room lit up with blue energy as the wormhole materialized. It hummed and stabil
ized, forming a lock with its preprogrammed destination and opening a tunnel between the two locations. The coordinates hadn’t changed since earlier that day – it was still locked onto the southern continent of Aras Alpha, far below.

  Which was now entirely underwater. Real water.

  The ocean poured in. In seconds the wormhole terminal filled with rushing salt water. The vampires were swept away from me, but through the bloody froth I saw their skin ripped from their bones, one by one. Siparo’s eyes, red with anger, were the last to go.

  Eventually the water stilled as the room filled completely and the two sides of the portal reached equilibrium. All the vampires had disintegrated by then.

  And I had drowned, of course.

  ***

  After a period of darkness, I came back to consciousness lying on a narrow bed. I blinked my eyes open to see the familiar metal of the ship’s hull above me. To my right, Safiya was lying in an identical bed, but was propped up on one elbow, watching me.

  “Took you long enough,” she said.

  “We’re—”

  “Not dead. They got the medical bay up and running in time to resuscitate us.”

  “We’re in the medical bay?” I held my head and groaned. “Why is this bed less comfortable than the one in the brig?”

  I threw off the paper-thin blanket covering me and sat up, swinging my legs onto the floor. I was a bit woozy from being dead so I grabbed the edge of the bed and took a deep breath.

  The door slid open and Captain Diop strode in. His normally stern features betrayed the hint of a smile. “Glad to see you’re both doing well.”

  I waved. “Oh, yeah. I’m peachy. Did we get them all?”

  “Each and every one. My universe is now free of magical vampires, thanks to you two.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “You have my deepest gratitude. I can’t thank you enough.”

  Despite my exhaustion, I managed to give him a halfway-decent leer. “Careful, Captain. Don’t go giving me the wrong idea.”

  He squeezed my shoulder and winked. “Who said it’s the wrong idea?”

  “Hey!” Safiya pouted. “I’m usually the one who gets to flirt with the handsome, helpful, mysterious stranger.”