Love, Lies and Lemon Cake
Page 20
Totally unaware of the discomfort the vicar was going through, Geoff gave him a friendly pat on the arm.
“Vicar, I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you and Penny have done for my mother. Really, it’s like she’s another woman! I don’t know what I would’ve done without your fabulous wife. Because Mum’s so much better I can actually have my holiday abroad without worrying about anything back home.”
Edward didn’t care if he never came back. “Really?”
“Absolutely. Your wife is like a visiting angel, but I don’t need to tell you, do I?” Geoff chuckled and looked around the room at the competition entries that were starting to melt in the heat.
“No. You don’t,” he said, his voice now as tight as the vice gripping his head.
Geoff inhaled the delicate fragrance of the rose display. “Well, I’ll let you press on. I’d say you have a serious competition going on here.”
Edward could feel a bead of sweat start to trickle down the line of his spine and was having some very un-holy thoughts about where rose stems could be inserted. He vaguely thought of praying for patience, as only God could fill that particularly empty resource right now.
“I must say, your wife truly has the best buns in the entire village.” Geoff smiled innocently at Edward.
Edward felt his fist clench, hand go back and then, as if in slow motion, he punched Geoff in the face.
There are some natural laws of physics and nature that can’t be broken. Toast will likely fall butter side down, keys are usually somewhere around the first place you looked for them and cars held together with duct tape do not last forever.
Ryan had his foot down hard on the accelerator as he sped through the small country lanes. His focus was entirely on the next bend and none of his energy was on the whining sound from the engine or the vague smell of leaking oil. Coming down Primrose Hill he took advantage of the straight stretch to go even faster and was totally unprepared for the tractor procession that was joining the road at the bottom from the right. He slammed on the brakes and got… no response. Unnerved, he prepared to swing the car left but the steering column locked and froze. He reached for the handbrake and discovered it was already on.
The first tractor driver watched with growing alarm as the speeding car raced down the hill. He had seen the outcome of drivers this like so many times before that he now carried a tow rope behind his seat and the number for the AA in his wallet. He’d not seen a car go quite this fast though, and took out his mobile ready to call for an ambulance.
The car hit the foot of the hill at eighty miles an hour, tore through the hedge at the bottom and went straight through the sunflower field. The recent dry weather gave up no wet soil to slow the car down, although it was picking up a great number of sunflower blooms as it headed inexorably towards the village fair.
“YOU CAN’T HAVE HER, SHE’S MINE!” shouted Edward.
Penny joined the rush of people towards the cake tent where insults and sponge were being thrown in equal measure. She arrived in time to see Geoff, strategically placed behind Mrs Bumble’s chrysanthemum display, launch Mrs Turner’s meringue surprise at Edward who failed to move fast enough but put in a fast return lob with Ms Smith’s profiterole tower. Geoff retreated further into the foliage.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” cried out Penny. “Geoff, put that down. What on earth is going on?”
“Your husband’s lost it, that’s what’s going on.”
“I know everything!” shouted Edward. “I’m not going to let you get away with it!”
Edward rushed up to Penny, covered in cake, icing and sprinkles and grabbed her by the arms. Penny felt the blood rush to her cheeks. He might look like a trifle but she had never felt more attracted to him.
At that moment Kate’s little car, decked out like a carnival float, burst through the side of the marquee, ploughed through the sponge display and the damson jam table, and out the other side.
There was a second of shock before Geoff pulled himself together and started to run after it. Edward grabbed Penny’s hand and followed. The rest of the fete went too. The crowd watched the car hurtle towards the fishing lake and plunge in.
Geoff was the first on the scene and as the car bobbed precariously on a mud bank he yanked the back door open, pulled out what appeared to be the body of an unconscious woman from the back seat and used a fireman’s lift to bring her to the shore. The driver was barely conscious but someone else was wading towards him to help get him out too.
Once on the bank, strong arms took the body from Geoff, giving him a chance to catch his breath while the first aider knelt down to assess damage. There was an awkward pause followed by some incredulous giggles from a group of year six boys before the first aider covered the sex doll with a blanket. At the back of the crowd Camilla’s mouth dropped open in shock and Paul found himself wondering if one could be folded up and hidden in his shed.
Geoff stepped forward and took in the sight of a doll, lying prone and naked under the strategically placed material and then looked back towards the car.
“Well, that’s a bit unexpected.”
Ryan had made it to the shore but the growing number of spectators hid the doll from sight. He ran a hand through his wet hair, pushing it out of his face and went up to Geoff.
“Is she all right?”
There was something about his manner that spoke to the part of Geoff’s psyche that had made him go into policing.
“Is there something you’d like to tell me, sir?”
Ryan was circled by people; there was nowhere to run to. “We had a bit of a fight earlier.”
“Is that so?”
“I had to tie her up because she was hysterical. Yes, and I was taking her to the doctors when I lost control of the car. You can’t trust what she says, she’s mental.”
“What’s her name?”
“Kate. We go way back, used to date, as it happens, and we were starting to get back together. Can I see her?”
Geoff stepped to one side and as Ryan went forward he swiftly grabbed the man’s wrist and put handcuffs on.
“What are you doing?”
“For now I’m arresting you for reckless driving. After my officers find Kate I’m pretty sure there will be more questions. I think we should go to the police station and discuss things, don’t you?”
Edward turned to his wife. “Penny, I know I have my faults and you’ve had to put up with more than most over the years but I swear I’ve never stopped loving you. Please, I’m begging you, don’t leave me. Yes, I’ve taken you for granted but please, let’s give things another go. I’ll do anything, counselling, workshops, make more time for us, anything, just don’t go on holiday with Geoff, stay with me. I love you.”
He stroked her hair, leaving smudges of jam, and looked earnestly into her eyes. “Say that it’s just you and me and we don’t even need to mention this ever again. Come on, Pickle, just you and me?”
Penny’s eyes filled up. “It’s always been just you and me and it always will be. There’s never been anyone else; I’m not going on holiday with Geoff, you idiot, I’m taking you for our anniversary.”
“But our anniversary was last month; I saw you’d circled the calendar. I’m sorry I forgot at the time.”
“No, dear, that’s when the car insurance gets renewed. We have this conversation every year.”
Edward traced the line of her cheek with his thumb and circled her gently but firmly with his other arm. “I don’t care when it is as long as you’re always by my side to remind me,” he whispered before kissing her with a passion that was almost indecent in one wearing a dog collar. “Come on, let’s go home.”
Epilogue
James decided to have a holiday and took a sabbatical year from teaching. He is currently travelling along Route 66 on a motorbike with Kate. Kate’s art is in high demand from galleries across Europe and Ruffles has all the squeaky toys he can fit in his dog basket.
Edward and Penny turned the trip to Thailand into a second honeymoon. On his return Edward organised meditation and yoga classes to be held in the village hall and Penny has put a poster of Australia in the kitchen cupboard, for luck.
Babs used up the last of her spiked lemon oil and has developed a new recipe for banana caramel cake. It’s not as popular with the men in the village but, following a surprise baby boom, it’s a huge hit for women with pregnancy cravings. Luke is redecorating the antique shop; he and his wife remain devoted to each other.
When Camilla discovered the clip of herself trying to shake an overly amorous Ruffles from her leg, she embarked on a costly, and ultimately futile legal battle to have it removed from the internet. In an attempt at damage limitation she volunteers at an animal sanctuary three times a week where she is the nominated poop scooper. While she is absent Paul spends the time in his shed.
Ruth continues to enter competitions. The church roof is now fixed and the prizes for the next summer fete are being kept in a storage facility after a film crew asked to interview her for their next series on chronic hoarders. Geoff received a promotion and moved to Scotland. He tells his mother he is lodging with a man called Julian and they both enjoy long walks. Ruth is pleased her son is enjoying a healthy lifestyle but wishes he would settle down soon.
Tamara has filed for divorce from Tarquin in an increasingly acrimonious split that has dominated the media since the news broke. She has just brought out a new perfume.
Mark, Pam and the kids went to stay with his parents in Malaga. They all slept in sleeping bags on the lounge floor, ate melting ice creams that dribbled down their fingers and built sandcastles. It was the best holiday they had ever had. The Feisty Ferret has been put on the market as they plan to emigrate to Spain and open a beach bar.
On her second birthday, baby Suzie fell down while chasing butterflies. Laura ran over to pick her up and the picture that Andy took of that moment is one of his most treasured possessions.
Acknowledgements
Thank you to Guy Mayhew for starting me down the weird and wonderful path of comping and to Jacky Cox and the Kent Compers Club for all the games, nibbles and encouragement; you’re all truly amazing! A big thank you to my parents for encouraging me and my lovely editor, Doug Watts for the grammatical guidance. An honourable shout-out to John Waters for his wonderful sense of silly and to Hazelnut Alford, just because.
Also by Jayne Bartholomew, available on Amazon –
*Twist and Scream – volume one*
*Twist and Scream – volume two*
*Twist and Scream – volume three*
*Twist and Scream – volume four*
GET THE SET! *Twist and Scream – omnibus edition (volumes 1 – 4) *
*Twist and Scream – volume fve*
*Space Hoppers – Dance of the Guinea Pigs*
When planets get mad they don't get even, they get creative.
Legends say that the Universe created an orb of Light to protect itself from a growing evil. They say that when it is needed most the Light will appear to save the day. If only it was that simple...
For Sarah, picked up by aliens due to an administrative error and thrown into a galactic council of war, life will never be simple again.
Table of Contents
August
September
October
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Other Books
Table of Contents
August
September
October
November
December
January
February
March
April
May
June
July
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Other Books