Jez Butterworth Plays

by Jez Butterworth

  MICKEY. Take them upstairs. Yes.

  SKINNY. Thank you Mickey. I’ll sleep better.

  MICKEY. I’ve got to make a call.

  SKINNY. Okay. Thank you Mickey.

  MICKEY. Do the sheets.

  Exit SKINNY. MICKEY is alone. Enter POTTS, holding a large bowl with a cloth over it.

  POTTS. Mickey old son? I made you this.

  MICKEY. What is it?

  POTTS. For your head cold.

  Beat.

  MICKEY. Right.

  POTTS. It’s hot from the steamer. Strictly you need friar’s balsam but I’ve bunged in a couple gills of crème de menthe. It’s all spearmint or something. All does the trick on your pipes.

  He sets it down.

  MICKEY. I’m fine. Do the barrels.

  POTTS. It doesn’t hurt or nothing. You stick your head over, breathe it all in, fixes you up in minutes. Come here.

  MICKEY. I’m all right.

  POTTS. Nonsense Mickey, come here.

  MICKEY goes to the table and sits down.

  MICKEY. What do I do?

  POTTS. You just breathe. You just put your head over it and breathe. Short while you’ll feel like a baby. You’ll be clear as rain.

  MICKEY puts the cloth over his head and breathes.

  I’m going to do the barrels now. You just stay there Mickey. All right? (Pause.) Just breathe Mickey.

  Exit POTTS, leaving MICKEY alone, breathing in the steam.

  Blackout.

  Scene Two

  Downstairs at the Atlantic. Hanging upside down in the middle of the room, gagged, is a young man, wearing silver trousers and a pink shirt. This is SILVER JOHNNY.

  Perched on a bar stool opposite is BABY, wearing the silver jacket and drinking beer. There are empty beer cans on the bar. The shotgun is across his knees.

  BABY. ... I was about nine, bit younger, and my dad tells me we’re driving to the country for the day.

  He’s got this half-share in this caff at the time, and it was doing really badly, so he was always really busy working day and night, so like, this was totally out of the blue.

  So I got in his van with him, and we drive off and I notice that in the front of the cab there’s this bag of sharp knives. And like, a saw and a big meat cleaver.

  And I thought ‘This is it. He’s going to kill me. He’s going to take me off and kill me once and for all.’ And I sat there in silence all the way to Wales and I knew that day I was about to die.

  So we drive till it goes dark, and Dad pulls the van into this field. And he switches off the lights. And we sit there in silence. And there’s all these cows in the field, watching us. And suddenly Dad slams his foot down and we ram this fucking great cow clean over the top of the van. And it tears off the bonnet and makes a great dent in the top, but it was dead all right. See we’d gone all the way to Wales to rustle us a cow. For the caff.

  Now a dead cow weighs half a ton. So you’ve got to cut it up there and then. And I was so relieved I had tears in my eyes. And we hacked that cow to pieces, sawing, chopping, ripping, with all the other cows standing around in the dark, watching.

  Then when we’d finished, we got back in the cab and drove back to town. Covered in blood.

  Pause.

  Do you know why I’m called Baby?

  Pause.

  Take out the papers and the trash,

  Or you don’t get no spending cash;

  If you don’t la la la la la,

  You ain’t gonna rock ’n’ roll no more

  Yakety yak, don’t talk back.

  Pause. He drinks. Pause. He laughs.

  Yakety yak don’t talk back.

  He laughs, he gets up and walks around.

  Yakety yak don’t talk back.

  BABY laughs. He moves the chair to right in front of SILVER JOHNNY and sits down.

  So, like... (Pause.) So like when you met Little Richard, what were you gonna say? (Pause.) ‘Evening Richard... I...’ (Pause.) ‘Evening Little. Can I call you Little?’ ‘Sure, if I can call you Silver.’ (Pause.) Seriously, you must have had some pretty nifty plans. What did you have planned? Were you going to go to Niagara Falls. Just you, Sam and the majestic spray.

  Pause. BABY clicks his fingers along to a tune in his head. He stops. He drinks. Pause.

  Do you think I’m good-looking? Seriously... No come on, I mean... Do you think I’m quite good-looking?

  SILVER JOHNNY nods helpfully.

  Seriously. Am I, like... Am I would you say rugged or striking? (Pause.) Hold on. Am I rugged?

  SILVER JOHNNY shakes his head.

  I’m not. Am I striking?

  SILVER JOHNNY nods.

  I am... You think so.

  BABY finishes his drink, crumples up the can and puts it in the pocket of the silver jacket. He searches through the other pockets of the jacket. He finds a guitar pick.

  What this? Is it a... guitar pick? Plectrum. Is it a plectrum?

  SILVER JOHNNY nods.

  Do you play the guitar? I didn’t know you could play guitar. Can you play it? Seriously?

  SILVER JOHNNY shakes his head.

  Then what have you got this for?

  SILVER JOHNNY doesn’t respond.

  What am going to do with you blowjob? Eh? What am I gonna do with you? (Pause.) What am I going to do with you?

  Enter SWEETS with the Derringer.

  SWEETS. Who is it? Who’s there?

  BABY. Who’s that?

  SWEETS. I’ve got a gun. Don’t move.

  BABY (quietly). Sweets. My man. You should be asleep.

  SWEETS is halfway down the stairs. It is dark and he can’t see SILVER JOHNNY.

  SWEETS. Oh. Watcha Baby. We thought you’d gone.

  BABY. Ah... you know... I thought I’d drop by.

  SWEETS. Right. How are you?

  BABY. I thought I’d pop back in. (Fine, yeah).

  SWEETS. What time is it?

  BABY. No idea. Must be... You been asleep?

  SWEETS. Yeah... we’re all...

  BABY. Must be nearly morning. It was getting light out.

  SWEETS. Yeah?

  BABY. Gonna be another beautiful day. What you doing up so bright and early?

  SWEETS. Oh. I’m supposed to be on watch.

  BABY. What for. Baddies?

  SWEETS. Yeah. Something like that.

  BABY (pointing to Derringer). The fuck is that?

  SWEETS. This? It’s a... You know Charlie Dodds?

  BABY. Yeah...

  SWEETS. It’s off him.

  BABY. Give it here.

  SWEETS. It’s shit.

  BABY. Give it here.

  SWEETS. Wouldn’t scare a kid.

  BABY. It looks like a Turkish Delight.

  SWEETS. Yeah. (Pause.) Baby, can I ask you a question?

  BABY (points it at SWEETS). Fire away.

  SWEETS. Right. Um... How did you get in here?

  BABY (stops). I came down the chimney. Like Father Christmas.

  SWEETS. Right. Right. We never thought of that.

  BABY. No. No. You know my key. The one I lost dancing.

  SWEETS. Yeah.

  BABY. Yeah? Well, I never lost it dancing. It was in my shirt pocket all that time.

  SWEETS. Right. Right.

  BABY. I found it. I had it all the time. In here.

  Beat.

  SWEETS. Yeah actually, because I’ve been writing you a letter.

  BABY. You have?

  SWEETS. Yeah. Sounds a bit daft saying it like that.

  BABY. What does it say?

  SWEETS. Well, I’ve only just started it. It’s just you know all that stuff Mickey said. Well I, for one and I think certainly Sid, right... Anyway. Just to say I don’t really agree with Mickey on that one. I think he’s wrong.

  BABY. Thank you.

  SWEETS. Because we’ve always been mates.

  BABY. We have. Yeah.

  SWEETS. And, you know Mickey’s like chucked you out. Yeah. Well, as far as I�
�m concerned we should still go for drinks and stuff. I mean, who knows what’s round the corner? And I bet Mickey changes his mind. Between you me and the lamp post.

  BABY. Yeah?

  SWEETS. What? Yeah. Yeah. Who knows? Who knows eh? What the fuck...

  BABY. Yeah... Thing is Sweets, that’s really nice and all, but the thing is I’ve always thought you were a bit of a tosser.

  Pause.

  SWEETS. What? Oh.

  BABY. Yeah. I’ve always had you down as a right nasty little cunt underneath. Like, all sweetness and light to your face, and then as nasty as can be in the real world. Also, you’re not very bright, and I think you only hang around Sid all the time because you want his cock up your arse. (Pause.) You know? To be frank.

  SWEETS. Right. Well. What the fuck eh? (Pause.) I don’t you know...

  BABY. Don’t what?

  SWEETS. He’s just a mate. (Pause. The penny drops.) You rotten bastard.

  BABY. Aaaaahhhh!

  SWEETS. You dirty shit.

  BABY. I got you sunshine.

  SWEETS. You dirty bastard. You had me there.

  BABY. Your face.

  SWEETS. I was thinking, ‘What? What’s he on about.’

  BABY. You should have seen your face.

  SWEETS. You dirty bastard. I twigged though.

  BABY. You went grey in the face.

  SWEETS. I knew pretty soon.

  BABY. You need a drink after that don’t you.

  SWEETS. Telling me. You rotten git.

  BABY. Drink?

  SWEETS. Fuck it. Why not. Mickey comes down I’ll just tell him you forgot something.

  BABY. Is it a problem?

  SWEETS. What? No. I’ll just give him a spiel. Lovely.

  BABY. Ice?

  SWEETS. There’s no ice.

  BABY. What? There’s always ice.

  SWEETS. Not today.

  BABY. No pills. No ice. Place is falling apart.

  SWEETS. Yeah...

  BABY. I turn my back for half an hour, place falls down round our heads. Let’s have a look...

  SWEETS. Ezra’s in there actually.

  BABY. What? In here.

  SWEETS. Actually. Yes.

  BABY. In with the ice?

  SWEETS. Yeah. It was my idea. Just until further notice.

  BABY. Both halves?

  SWEETS. Yes. No. The legs are in the Frigidaire.

  BABY. In the Frigidaire up there?

  SWEETS. Pretty much.

  BABY. Well, best leave him. Cheers.

  SWEETS. Lovely. (Cheers.)

  BABY. To Ezra.

  SWEETS has seen what is hanging in the middle of the room.

  Top-up?

  SWEETS. What? No. No. Cheers.

  BABY. You sure?

  SWEETS. Uhhhh...

  SWEETS takes in the scene. He looks at BABY, at SILVER JOHNNY, everything is very quiet in the glow for ages. Then he bellows.

  Mickey!! Mickey!! Mickey!! Mickey!! Mickey!!

  BABY. Ssssh. Quiet. Keep it down. You want to wake up all Soho.

  SWEETS. Where’d that come from?

  BABY. Keep it down. What?

  SWEETS. Where d’you get that?

  BABY. Oh, you know.

  SWEETS. We thought –

  BABY. Say hello to Sweets, John. You remember Sweets. The Sweets Man. Does the pills.

  SWEETS. What’s going on? I’m lost.

  Enter POTTS from down the stairs.

  POTTS. Sweets? You all right?

  SWEETS. It’s... Look.

  POTTS. The fuck is all the clatter?

  BABY. Sidney Potts coming down the stairs there. Bet you never thought you’d see his ugly mush again.

  POTTS. Baby. We thought you’d gone.

  SWEETS. He still had his keys Sid.

  BABY. Sidney. We’ve got four of us... we can have a little party.

  POTTS has seen SILVER JOHNNY.

  POTTS. Suffering Shit.

  SWEETS. Precisely.

  POTTS. Sweet Georgia Brown.

  BABY. Do you like it?

  POTTS. Where the fuck did you dig him up from?

  BABY. What do you think?

  POTTS. That is him isn’t it. (Looks through his legs upside down.) Baby, you fucking champion.

  SWEETS. We thought he was in America.

  POTTS. Will you look at this. Will you look what is hanging up there.

  SWEETS. I don’t understand.

  POTTS. The one and only Johnny Shiny.

  SWEETS. I’m lost.

  POTTS. Okay. Okay. Baby. I’m catching up. I don’t get it but so far I like it very very much.

  BABY. You want a drink Sid?

  POTTS. Yes. Yes. I do want a drink. I want a big drink. And I think we should talk because this makes a different story.

  SWEETS. Get Sid a drink.

  POTTS. My fucking... Right. Right. Back to plan one. Fish are jumping. Fish are jumping again. (To SILVER JOHNNY.) First things first. You little upside-down queer bastard. The shit you’re in. Had us sitting around filling our pants. You little wanker, Sweets here shat his pants because of you.

  SWEETS. I didn’t. It was the pills.

  POTTS. Right. Good. I’m waking up. I’m awake.

  BABY. Do you like it?

  POTTS. Yes. I like it. I like it very very much. But. But. One thing. What the fuck is going on?

  BABY. He was on the telly. I went round the back, opened it, and got him out.

  POTTS. Baby. Okay. Listen. This changes a couple of things. First of all, you’re my hero.

  Enter MICKEY and SKINNY. MICKEY remains on the stairs, overlooking the scene.

  SKINNY. Fuckin’ hell.

  POTTS. Eh? Feast your eyes Skinny Luke. Feast your eyes.

  SKINNY. Where d’you find him?

  POTTS (to SILVER JOHNNY). You fucking little bastard, not so fucking croony now are you? You better get used to that chain because it ain’t coming off chum. I’m keeping you on that from now on.

  MICKEY. What the fuck have you done?

  BABY. Hello Mickey. You asleep?

  MICKEY. What have you done Baby?

  SKINNY. I don’t understand.

  POTTS. Mickey. Hello. Welcome. I think you’ve got a couple of things to say to our friend here.

  SKINNY. ... Fuckin’ ’ell...

  POTTS. I thought... Oy... Go upstairs... Crawl back under Mickey’s blanket, do something else, I’m talking to Baby.

  SKINNY. Fuckin’ hell. It’s him. Mickey, it’s him.

  POTTS. Makes you think doesn’t it. We’re all in here crouched down Baby goes out and does a day’s work. Does what he can for us. And Skinny, it’s not sweeping up and it’s not fixing jukeboxes. It’s saving our fucking everything. A real day’s work.

  MICKEY. Baby, where did you find him?

  BABY. Sorry, Mickey?

  MICKEY. You heard me.

  BABY. Ah, he was round Sam Ross’s.

  Pause.

  ‘If your man ain’t treatin’ you right,

  Come up and see you Dan,

  I rock ’em roll ’em all night long

  I’m a sixty-minute man.’

  SKINNY. What’s going on Mickey? Baby, what have you done?

  BABY. Well, I left here and I walked around for a bit and then I sort of walked back up here and I saw... you know that Buick? Well it was still sitting there. Shiny Red Car. And I’m looking in it checking it out and the fucking keys are only sitting there in the hole. So I thought toodle-oo, why not? You ever driven one Mickey?

  MICKEY. What?

  BABY. One of those big yank motors. Like sitting on a velvet cushion. Floating past Nelson’s Column, sitting on a velvet throne. Through Waterloo, down Camberwell, all the way, press a button, the roof comes off. Press another, the radio comes on. Cutlass on the back seat. I felt like General Patton.

  And I parked it, right, and I asked around, and the first bloke I ask actually knows where Mr Ross lives. Belly up, knock on the door. And this bloke with
yellow hair answers. And I chopped him.

  SKINNY. You did what?

  BABY. Yeah. I chopped him on the top of the head with my dad’s old sword. And he fell down. And he never got up again.

  SWEETS. Baby, you chopped him. You chopped Mr Ross?

  BABY. Yeah. It’s easier than you think. He just opens the door, and you chop him. (Pause.) So there’s no one around so I step inside. First door I try, the parlour, watching telly, sandwich on his knee, the one and only Silver Johnny. Bit surprised to see his old mate Baby in such a place, so I take him outside, walk him up and down, put him in the motor brung him back here. Except coming over Vauxhall the engine packs in. And the buses have all stopped so this one paid for a cab.

  Pause.

  SKINNY. Baby? Did you kill him?

  BABY. Well, Skinny Luke, I don’t know. It’s actually really difficult to tell...

  POTTS. We’re fucked. We’re dead. I’m dead.

  MICKEY, who has heard all this, comes down the stairs.

  MICKEY. Sweets. Get upstairs.

  SWEETS. Mickey –

  MICKEY. Did you hear me. Do it now.

  POTTS. Mickey what –

  MICKEY. Fucking get up there. Do as I say. Get upstairs.

  POTTS. We’re going.

  SKINNY. Mickey –

  MICKEY. Do you want to die today? Eh? Do you want to die today.

  POTTS. Oh my Sweet Life.

  MICKEY. Do you want to die today. Get upstairs you fuck. Do as I say. Do as I say.

  Exit SWEETS, POTTS and SKINNY, upstairs. Very long pause.

  MICKEY. Are you all right?

  BABY. Bearing up.

  Pause.

  MICKEY. You spoken to him?

  BABY. We did have a natter on the way. Yes.

  MICKEY. Right. What did he say?

  BABY. He told me.

  MICKEY. Everything?

  BABY. How’s your head cold Mickey? You feeling all right?

  MICKEY. What did he tell you?

  BABY. Why don’t we ask him. He’s right there. He said when him and Dad left here and went to Ross’s place, that when they got there, that you was there Mickey. He said that your head cold had miraculously disappeared. He said you was feeling better. He said you all played billiards. Did you play billiards Mickey?

  MICKEY. Yes.

  BABY. I see. He said that he was sent out the room to listen to some records. With this bloke with all tattoos. And then he said he came back an hour later, and you weren’t there no more. And Dad weren’t there no more. Isn’t that right Johnny?

  MICKEY. Baby, I had no choice. We were going to lose everything.

  BABY. He’s going a very odd shade. We probably ought to help him down.