Beauty in the Ashes

by Micalea Smeltzer

  Cyrus glared. “Move. Your. Foot.”

  “Not until you help me.”

  He muttered unintelligibly under his breath. “If he tries to break my fucking nose again, I’m dropping him on his head.”

  “Thank you!” I cried in relief, slinging my arms around his neck in a hug. I then realized he was practically naked and pulled away awkwardly. “Oh…uh…sorry.”

  He shook his head. “Let me get some pants on.”

  “Yeah, that would probably be a good idea,” I concurred.

  I stood in the doorway, in case he tried to go back to bed without helping me. He finally returned. “You owe me for this,” he muttered as he passed me. “I accept blowjobs as payment.” Upon settling his eyes on Caelan, his nose wrinkled. “Oh, fuck, he’s thrown up all over himself. Not cool. I didn’t sign up for this!” He glared at me.

  I shrugged innocently. “I need someone’s help.”

  “Ugh,” he groaned. “I need to fucking move so I don’t have to deal with this shit.”

  He bent down and got one arm under Caelan’s legs and the other behind his back. With a grunt, he lifted him up. “The scrawny thing is heavier than he looks. Get the door open.”

  I did as quickly as I could, and then had Cyrus put him in the bathtub. I figured that would be best since I had to get him cleaned up.

  Once Caelan was in the tub, Cyrus stood with his hands on his hips and looked at me steadily. “This is really what you want?” He pointed to Caelan. “A boy who can’t get his shit together?”

  “You wouldn’t understand,” I muttered, maneuvering Caelan’s arms around so I could rid him of his soiled shirt.

  “You’re right. I wouldn’t. But I do know you deserve better.” With those parting words, Cyrus left me alone.

  I took a deep breath. Pushing his statement out of my mind I set about removing Caelan’s clothes. I dumped them in a trash bag and tied the string, then set the bag outside my apartment door so that the smell didn’t permeate the air.

  Back in the bathroom, I turned the water on. I thought for sure it would wake him up, but it had no affect. He was out cold. Once he was cleaned up, I used a towel to dry his body. I frowned, rocking back on my heels. I was at a loss as to what to do. I couldn’t ask Cyrus for help again and I didn’t see how I could get him out of the bathtub on my own.

  With a sigh, I realized it was going to be a long night—er, morning—because I was going to have to sit up and keep watch over him to make sure nothing bad happened.

  I brewed a hot cup of coffee and created a makeshift bed on the bathroom floor.

  Oh, the things we do for the ones we love. It’s comical really, the lengths we’ll go to.

  ⌘⌘⌘

  Caelan

  I heard something crash in the house. It sounded like something big.

  Then footsteps sounded on the stairs, but everyone was sleeping—which meant someone was in the house that wasn’t supposed to be.

  I heard my parent’s bedroom door open, and then my dad spoke.

  Screams, his screams, filled the air.

  I was up and out of my bed before I knew what I was doing.

  I had to get to Cayla, and then I had to get to mom. It sounded like it was too late for dad—his cries had ceased. Oh God, what was happening?

  You heard about these kinds of things on the news all the time, but you never imagined it would happen to you.

  Cayla was sitting up in her bed when I entered the room. She looked around wildly and gulped greedily at the air. She was beyond scared. I was too. But I had to stay calm. The minute I’d start to freak out would be the minute I’d forget how to think. We had to get out of the house, that was for sure.

  I held a finger up to my lips, urging her to be quiet. She nodded, easing the covers off her body.

  I nodded my head towards the window.

  We could climb out on the ledge of the roof and jump down.

  Silence had fallen in the hallway, but now mom’s screams started up.

  I bit down harshly on my tongue, to the point that blood was drawn, to resist the urge to yell out for her.

  Her shrieks quieted almost instantly.

  I knew Cayla and I had only seconds to get out of there.

  “Go, Cayla!” I nodded towards the now open window. A breeze swept into the room, causing her curtains to billow.

  “Hurry, Cael,” she hissed, starting out the window.

  I reached out towards the door, to lock it, but it was already being opened.

  The man wore a ski mask to hide his identity.

  Before I could shout for Cayla, he slammed a fist into my face and a knife into my abdomen at the same time.

  I fell to the ground, clutching at my side, willing the blood to stop flowing. I needed to help Cayla and I couldn’t do that if I was bleeding out on the floor.

  I twisted my body to see the man grab her by the hair and yank her back through the window. She yelped in pain and started to shout for help. Why couldn’t the neighbors hear us? Couldn’t they sense that we needed help?

  He dragged her over to the bed. She kicked, and yelled, and bit at him, but it did no good.

  I felt myself fading, my vision becoming blurry.

  I saw the knife penetrate her skin over and over again. Her screams echoed through my skull, torturing me.

  When the man was done, he turned to me once more. The knife pointed towards the floor, blood dripping off of it.

  He surprised me when he spoke. “This is your fault.”

  And then, everything else faded away, and I died with them.

  I woke with a start. My heart beat too fast and sweat drenched my skin. My cries echoed around me and I stared around at the unfamiliar place.

  “Shh,” someone crooned in the darkened room. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

  “Sutton?”

  “Yeah, it’s me.” I felt her hands on my face, but I couldn’t see her. Why couldn’t I see her? I blinked my eyes but everything remained black. Had I gone blind?”

  Pushing her hands away, I reached and found that my eyes were actually still closed. I felt relieved. Forcing them open, I flinched the moment light hit my retinas. They closed automatically and I decided that darkness was better for now.

  “Does the light bother you?” She asked, her voice soft and sweet—everything I didn’t deserve.

  I nodded.

  “Let me fix that.” She replied. Her warmth left my side and I heard the sound of a light switch being turned off. “You can open your eyes now.”

  I did, slowly. As promised, the room was now bathed in darkness except for the glow of a nightlight plugged into the outlet. I noticed the door was closed, but…Sutton’s room didn’t have a door…and neither did mine.

  “Where are we?” I asked, confused.

  “The bathroom,” she laughed, reaching for my hand.

  “The bathroom,” I repeated, the words tasting funny in my mouth. “Why?”

  “Because when I got home from work this morning, you were passed out in front of my door. I needed to clean you up.”

  “Ohhh,” I drew out the word, realization dawning on me. If I had been in the kind of state I believed I’d been in I wondered why Sutton had bothered helping my sorry ass.

  “Why were you screaming?” She asked.

  “I-it was a nightmare,” I muttered, suddenly realizing how out of breath I felt.

  “It’s over now,” she whispered, crouching beside me. Her fingers gently glided through my damp hair. My eyes closed at the soothing touch.

  “It’ll never be over,” I whispered. “When I wake up, the nightmare is real, except…”

  “Except what?” She prodded.

  “Except, when I’m sleeping…I die with them.”

  “Oh, Cael,” she sobbed, grasping onto my shoulders and trying to pull me close. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. Fear paralyzed me to the spot. I didn’t want her crying for me. I didn’t deserve her tears, not at all.

  In a sw
eet gesture, she kissed my forehead. “I love you,” she whispered, “it’ll be okay. You have to know that.”

  I swallowed thickly at her words. She shouldn’t love me. Someone like me didn’t deserve it.

  I didn’t say that to her though. Instead, I replied with the truth that I’d only uttered two times before. “I live for you.”

  She held me tight for a while longer. She didn’t seem bothered by the fact that I didn’t reciprocate the comfort.

  “Do you want anything to eat?” She asked, and in the dim light I saw her swipe at her face, removing any traces of tears.

  “I’m not hungry,” I muttered.

  “Okay,” she whispered. “Well, I am. I’ll make a little extra in case you change your mind.” Standing, she wiped her palms on the legs of her pants—a nervous gesture. “You might want to shower. I only rinsed you off. I’ll—uh—get you some clean clothes. I threw away what you had on. It was ruined.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered before she exited the room.

  She stopped, her hand wrapped tightly around the door. “You’re welcome.”

  It then dawned on me that I didn’t think I’d ever thanked her for anything. She deserved more than a thank you for everything she had done for me.

  I slowly got myself to my feet.

  Since I was already in the bathtub, I closed the curtain and turned the shower on. I didn’t bother with a light. My eyes were still too sensitive.

  I used Sutton’s soap to clean my hair and body. Like I had suspected, it was coconut scented. I would never be able to look at anything coconut related the same way again.

  Once I was clean, I wrapped a towel around my waist. It had been conveniently left on the counter. My clothes, however, were not there.

  I figured Sutton was trying to force me out of the dark bathroom.

  She was smarter than I gave her credit for.

  Sure enough, I found my clothes lying across her bed. While it was brighter in her apartment, than the bathroom, she had been kind enough to close the blinds and curtains. I guess I couldn’t grumble about her stupid curtains anymore, because right now they sure came in handy.

  She was in the kitchen, finishing up whatever she was cooking, and paid me no attention as I dressed.

  I knew I must have been in a bad state when she found me last night.

  After the realization that returning to my childhood home might be a good thing, I resorted to the same thing I’d done the last five years to block out emotions better left buried. Drugs and alcohol were always there when I needed them. I didn’t have the willpower to stay away. Was I doing better? I guess so. But I think last night proved that I needed more help than I was prepared to ask for.

  Once I was dressed, I ventured over to the kitchen.

  My stomach rumbled—an unusual occurrence after I went on a rampage like I had last night.

  Sutton turned towards me with a little smirk on her plump lips. I wanted to grab her and kiss her, but I was afraid after last night she might be disgusted by me. I couldn’t blame her if she was. I was disgusted by myself.

  “Sounds to me like you’re hungry,” she noted.

  “A little,” I shrugged, shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans for lack of knowing what to do with them. “Do you need some help?” I asked.

  “No,” she shook her head. “I’m almost done here.”

  “Oh,” I mumbled, moving out of her way and taking a seat at one of the stools. “I’ll stay out of your way then.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You weren’t in my way, Caelan.”

  I shrugged like it was no big deal.

  She set a plate in front of me, and another on the spot beside me.

  I studied the scrambled eggs and toast, fighting a laugh. “A little late for breakfast, isn’t it?” I pointed to the edges of the windows where enough sunlight streamed inside to tell me it was much later than morning.

  She rolled her pretty eyes at me once more. I could tell I was getting on her nerves and needed to watch myself, especially after what I put her through last night.

  With a sigh, I muttered, “Sorry.”

  “Yes, it is much later than breakfast time,” she replied like she hadn’t heard my mumbled apology. “In fact, it’s nearly two in the afternoon. But considering I didn’t get much, if any, sleep and you spent the night passed out in front of my door, and then in the bathtub, I thought breakfast might be beneficial.” She let out a breath as her lengthy run-on sentence finally ended.

  “It was a brilliant idea,” I forced a smile.

  She took several deep breaths to calm herself.

  Palms on the counter, she leaned forward, leveling me with her gaze. “I didn’t like finding you like that, Caelan. In fact, it scared the shit out of me.” Her lower lip began to tremble. “I thought you were dead,” her voice cracked. “You wouldn’t wake up or make any response. Do you have any idea what that did to me?” She continued on, so I assumed the question was rhetorical. “It tore me up inside. I felt so helpless,” her hands fell to her side as she held back tears. “Don’t you ever do that to me again.” She pointed a finger in my face like one would with an unruly child they were scolding. “I don’t think I can handle it if you do,” she sighed.

  I frowned. “I’ll try not to.”

  She flinched, and this time tears did stream down her pretty face. “But you’re not promising.” It was a statement, not a question.

  “No.” I said the word simply and honestly. There was no point in lying to her, and the fact of the matter was I didn’t want to break a promise to her. If there wasn’t one in the first place, then I couldn’t really mess things up…could I?

  She grabbed a paper towel and used it to dry her face. Throwing it away, she finally sat down beside me and began shoveling food in her mouth.

  When both our plates were clean, I said, “I thought about what you said, and you’re right.”

  “About what?” She looked over at me, her head twisted to the side, studying me like I was a fascinating scientific specimen. “I’m right about a lot of things, so I need you to clarify.” Her smile was sweet, and I hoped that meant that our early conversation was forgotten.

  “About going back…” I paused, swallowing thickly. “T-to the house. To my house,” I clarified.

  “You want to go back?” An elegant brow arched on her forehead. “You’re ready?”

  I nodded. “I think so. I mean…” I chuckled humorlessly. “I might freeze the moment I see the place, but I think I’m ready to try, and that’s worth something, right?” I suddenly felt unsure of my decision.

  She smiled widely and my heart warmed.

  “It’s worth everything,” she replied.

  I grabbed our empty plates, stacking them on top of each other to go clean them. As I stood, I began to feel shaky. Sutton reached out, grabbing ahold of my arm. Realization dawned on her. She stood too, taking the plates from my hands. “I’ve got this. You should lay down,” she pointed to her bed.

  “Are you sure I won’t be in the way?” I questioned, suddenly feeling like I was an unbearable burden in her life. “I can go back to my place.”

  Rinsing the dishes off, she said, “If I wanted you to go, I would’ve said so. I’m not one of those girls that has a double meaning with everything. If I say something, I mean it.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” I chuckled, crossing the room to lie on her bed. It was soft and smelled like her. The bed covers were some lavender flowery design. It didn’t quite seem like Sutton to me, but at the end of the day, what did I really know about her? Not much. I didn’t even know what her favorite color was. How pathetic was that?

  Eyeing me, she warned, “I really need to get to sleep so, no—”

  “Sex?” I supplied, cutting her off. Covering my face with the crook of my arm, I said, “You have nothing to worry about, sweetheart. I’m too exhausted.”

  “Oh…of course,” she floundered. Peeking through my arm, I saw her cheeks flush with color. I loved
when I made her embarrassed. It didn’t happen often enough.

  Once the dishes were clean, she climbed into the bed beside me. Yawning loudly, she pulled the covers over her body.

  “Come here,” I reached for her, pulling her against me.

  She bit her lip, her palm flat against my chest where my heart beat. “Is this okay?” She asked.

  “It’s more than okay,” I murmured as I coaxed her to lay her head in the crook of my neck, “it’s pretty fucking perfect.”

  Well, as perfect as my life got.

  CHAPTER 21

  Sutton

  When I woke up Caelan was still asleep. He was too peaceful to disturb, so I let him be as I slipped from beneath the sheets.

  I changed my clothes and since my hair was a hopeless mess it ended up in a messy bun on top of my head.

  I left Caelan a note, letting him know I’d left for work. I didn’t want him to wake up and worry. In the state he was in I feared he’d have forgotten me mentioning it earlier.

  I kissed his forehead, my lips lingering longer than necessary, before slinging my purse across my body and heading to work.

  Despite the hours of sleep I was still exhausted. I’d been so worried about Caelan, and warred with myself most of the morning about what to do. The responsible thing to do would have been to call for an ambulance, but I hadn’t done that.

  Why?

  Well, because I feared if he woke up in a hospital, and knew that I’d called for help he’d hate me.

  Silly, extremely so, in a life or death situation.

  I hung my head in shame.

  I should’ve called for help.

  But he was okay.

  What if he hadn’t been? A little voice inside my head told me.

  The messed-up-ness of the situation was through the roof. There was something majorly wrong with me. Well, maybe not just me. It was us. We were both poison, and together, we tainted each other even more. In helping each other we only made things worse. I saw that now, but I didn’t see anyway to stop this train wreck. And I didn’t want to. I may have confessed my horrid past to Caelan, and he may have accepted me, but history was repeating itself. I was attracted to broken things, and Caelan was the most broken of them all. He was like glass, cutting in to me repeatedly. Making my wounds deeper. But…wasn’t I doing the same to him? I was. Somehow, despite our feelings for each other, we were making things worse instead of better. We were like an avalanche—bound together, rolling down a hill, gaining speed, until we obliterated everything around us.