I hadn’t even realized she was still holding my hand. I was thankful for her support, because inside I felt like I was crumbling.
Surprisingly, so far, this wasn’t as difficult as I’d believed it would be.
Granted, we hadn’t gone upstairs yet, and that’s where the true test lay.
In the living room, I found a family photo of all of us at a neighborhood barbeque. I picked it up, running my fingers over the glass.
Cradling the picture close to my heart, I realized that missing them would never get easier. You don’t suddenly stop remembering or missing someone. That ache is always there, but if you work hard enough it can become bearable. So, that’s what I was striving for.
“I want to take this with me,” I whispered, clutching the frame tight.
No one said anything as I finally started up the stairs—to the place where it all ended.
I stopped in my tracks, staring at the carpet. Someone had obviously tried to clean it, but there was still a faint pink ring where my dad had lain there.
“Oh God,” Sutton gasped, smacking a hand over her mouth.
“I found my dad here,” I said. My voice was oddly detached, like this had happened to another person, and not me. Maybe it had.
“I think we should go,” Kyle grabbed for my arm, trying to get me to turn around. He sounded as horrified as Sutton.
“No!” I pulled from his hold. “I didn’t come this far to leave without finishing this. I need this.”
Closure was necessary. I saw that now.
Kyle sighed, muttering under his breath.
I stepped by the stain, heading for my parent’s room. The bed was stripped, even the mattress gone, so there were no lingering traces of blood there.
I didn’t linger long. There was no point.
Instead of going to Cayla’s room, I went into mine first.
“This was my room,” I told Sutton. My words were unnecessary, though. It was obvious who this room belonged to. I was sure it seemed strange to her, having been in my apartment multiple times. The two places were nothing alike. They marked the significant difference in Old Caelan and New Caelan. This Caelan had been a boy. Only concerned in pleasing himself and being a star. Getting the girl. Having the perfect life. The person I was now didn’t care about any of those things. Except maybe getting the girl. The right girl.
I released Sutton’s hand and picked up the football lying on top of my dresser. Funny, Old Caelan loved football, but New Caelan hated it. Watching it on TV bored me…or maybe watching it reminded me too much of the life I left behind.
Staring at the football, and the other memorabilia in my room, I wondered how my life would’ve turned out if they hadn’t died. Would I have continued with football? Gone pro?
There are a series of decisions we make that ultimately decide our course in life. Saying yes instead of no to something can drastically alter the outcome and there’s no do over button. You only get one chance to make it right.
I think most of us failed.
It was easier to mess up than it was to succeed.
My bad decisions had led me down a path I never imagined—a dark, twisting thing that never seemed to end. There was the occasional bright spot. Like my art. Or Sutton. I did feel joy, but not as often as I used to. So when the emotion did make its presence known, I grasped onto it, holding tight for fear that it would leave me at any second—because the fact of the matter was, I was afraid to let myself live and be happy. If I moved on, it would be like I was accepting that they were gone. It seemed wrong to allow myself to be happy, when they were dead.
Oh, Cael. You were always so stupid. Cayla’s voice hissed. Of course we want you to be happy. We want to see you move on and start a life. You can be happy and still miss us. It’s not like you’re choosing one over the other.
That was Cayla. Always the wise one. Even at sixteen she was smarter than I gave her credit for her. I loved my sister, but I also picked on her endlessly. I wished now that I’d been a better brother. A better son too. Once people are gone, it’s all too easy to let yourself look back and regret. But regrets are just that, and there’s nothing you can do to change them. We’re stuck with the decisions we made.
“I’m ready,” I whispered, leaving my room.
Going into Cayla’s was the true test.
I stood in the hallway, staring at her closed door.
Sutton’s hand rubbed soothing circles on my back.
I opened the door and that’s when it all fell apart.
I sunk to my knees, unable to bear the emotions rushing me. I was flooded with memories of that night—of sitting in this room and watching the blood drip onto the floor, helpless to do anything. Seeing someone you love gutted like a fucking animal was unbearable, and I had to witness it not once, but three times.
Of course it changed me. How could it not? If I carried on like everything was normal, wouldn’t that have been worse than the way things turned out?
“It’s not fair!” I cried. In my anger I threw the picture frame. It smacked against the wall. The glass shattered as it fell apart.
The broken picture only served to upset me more.
“No!” I rushed over to where the pieces lay, trying in vain to put it back together. Luckily, the picture was relatively unharmed. I picked it up, not caring if I cut myself on the glass. I stood up and held the picture carefully so that I didn’t damage it.
I forced myself to look around the room. I took in everything, searing it into my memory like I had with the rest of the house. I knew this would be the last time I came here. It was too painful, and I knew in my heart that it was time to sell it. There was no point in keeping a house I had no intentions to live in. We’d had a good life here, except for that night, and it was time for a new family to live here and create their life story.
“Are you okay?” Kyle asked.
I nodded.
“You’re crying,” Sutton gasped.
I reached up, my fingers connecting with dampness. “I didn’t know I was.”
They grew quiet and gave me all the time I needed. I made one last lap through the whole house before I stopped at the front door.
Looking at Kyle, I said, “I’ll be calling a relator on Monday.”
He nodded. “Good.”
Standing on the front porch I watched as he closed the door.
They always say when one door closes, another one opens. I really hoped that was true.
CHAPTER 22
Sutton
I was surprised by how well Caelan handled returning home. He was obviously shaken up, but his reaction was relatively mild. I took that as a good sign. He needed to move on, and I think he saw that now too.
He’d reframed the picture of his family and it now resided on the table beside his bed.
Like he told Kyle, he’d contacted a relator and the house was going on the market in two weeks. In that time, everything was being cleared out of the house. Caelan refused to have any dealings with that part, and I didn’t blame him. Kyle was taking care of it, along with the help of some of the other guys Caelan went to school with. Even though I didn’t really talk much to Kyle I liked the guy. He wanted Caelan to get better too, and was willing to do whatever it took to make it happen. I’d only known Caelan a few months, but Kyle had known him his whole life. I imagined it had been hard for him to watch his best friend fade away and helpless to stop it.
“Are you going home for Christmas?”
“Huh?” I shook my head, bringing myself back to the present.
Daphne sighed, the steam coming off her cup of coffee creating a shield between us. “Are you going home for Christmas?” She repeated her question. Before I could answer, she said, “Where have you been lately, Sutton? I barely see you anymore and when I do, you’re here in person,” she waved a hand at me, “but off in la la land.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I have a lot on my mind.”
“Caelan?”
I nodded. “A
nd to answer your question about Christmas, no, I won’t be going home.” She didn’t know, but it wasn’t like I had a home to go back to. The townhouse I’d lived in had been owned by my boyfriend and I doubted my parent’s ever wanted to see me again. I hoped one day that their rejection wouldn’t sting as much.
“You look sad,” she commented.
“I suppose I am.”
“Why?” An elegant brow arched with the question. She lifted the cup of coffee to her lips and took a delicate sip. I wished I looked like that drinking coffee. I probably sounded like a dog sloshing around in its water bowl.
I shrugged. “This time of year should be about family, and for me it’s not.” Anymore.
“Oh, Sutton,” she reached out, gently placing her hand overtop mine. “You can come to my parent’s house with Frankie and me. My mom always bakes enough to feed the entire neighborhood and there’s an extra bedroom. You wouldn’t be intruding, promise.”
Sadly I was tempted to take her up on the offer, but I didn’t. “Thanks for the offer, but no. I’ll hang out here. I might bribe Caelan with sexual favors in order to make him get a tree and put up decorations.”
In a very un-Daphne-like gesture, she spit out her coffee. It splattered over the table and some landed on my shirt. Great.
“Sexual favors? Really, Sutton? Have you ever heard of TMI?”
I rolled my eyes and leaned forward to wipe up the mess with a napkin. “We’re both adults, why can’t we talk about sex?”
She squirmed in her seat. “We can, but not in public. Please?”
I looked around at the mostly empty coffee shop. “I’m sure the dude in the back listening to music is scandalized by my use of the word ‘sexual.’”
Daphne’s cheeks flushed.
Grinning, I said, “Sex, sex, sex, penis, sex, vagina, sex, sex, sex.”
“Oh, God.” She covered her face, completely mortified. “I hate you so much.”
“What’s going on here?” Emery asked, pulling out a rag to wipe up some of the mess I had missed.
“Nothing!” Daphne shrieked.
“Just talking about sex,” I shrugged innocently.
Daphne’s face grew so red that it matched her hair.
Emery let out a husky chuckle as he looked between us. He tucked the rag in his back pocket and crossed his arms over his chest, only accentuating how muscular he was. I figured Daphne was about two seconds away from melting into a pile of goo.
“Sex, huh?” He smirked. “Sex with who?”
“Just sex,” I said, then to embarrass Daphne further I added, “although my friend here is really in need of being laid. Know anyone interested?”
“Oh. My. God.” Daphne peeked through her fingers. “I’m mortified.”
Emery chuckled, playing along. “I’ll put a flier up and see if there are any interested suitors.”
“I hate you. I hate you. I fucking hate you,” Daphne shook her head, her hair swishing around her shoulders.
“Love you too, Daph,” I smiled.
Emery left us then and her color slowly began to return to normal.
“I don’t know why I’m friends with you.”
“It’s because of my bubbly personality, of course.” I reached for the muffin I’d ordered when we arrived at Griffin’s and tore off a piece, popping it into my mouth.
“’Bubbly’ is not the word that comes to mind to describe you.”
“What would you go with then?” I asked, taking another bite of muffin.
She tilted her head, studying me. “Secretive.”
I nearly spit out my muffin at that. “Secretive? You really think that about me?”
“Well,” she tapped a finger against her lips, “yeah. I don’t know much about you.”
“Trust me,” I laughed humorlessly, “there’s not much to tell.”
“And that’s the kind of answer someone who’s secretive gives,” she countered.
I pretended to be unaffected by this conversation. “What do you want to know?” I asked and my heart raced in fear that she’d ask something I really didn’t want to answer. I’d hate to make a scene by running out of there like a crazy person.
“I don’t know,” she leaned back in her chair, holding her cup of coffee. Various gold rings glimmered on her fingers. “Did you go to college?”
“Yeah,” I nodded, trying not to laugh. It seemed like such an odd question to ask someone when I knew she really wanted to know something more personal. Maybe she was building to that.
“What did you study?”
“Business…” Propping my head on my hand, I said in a hushed tone, “What do you really want to know? Something tells me it has nothing to do with what I studied in college. Come on. I don’t bite.”
She shrugged her thin shoulders. “I guess I wondered why out of all the people on the planet you seem to connect so much with Cael. For as long as I’ve lived there, he’s never let someone in like he has with you. True,” she raised her hands in front of herself like a shield, “I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. So, maybe it’s only sex, but it seems like more than that.”
“It is more,” I whispered. “I don’t know how to explain it to someone else, but what we have it…it’s special.”
She looked at me with pity.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
She sighed. “I don’t want to see you get hurt and the two of you together…that has suffering written all over it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
The pity in her gaze increased. “Do you really think that a relationship with him will last?”
I began to squirm. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Don’t I?” She countered. “I’ve known him a lot longer than you have.”
“You don’t know him like I do.”
She let out a sigh, looking at me like a parent dealing with an unruly child. “Sutton, you’re a smart girl. He might be doing better now, at least it seems that way, but he’s always going to choose the drugs over you. He will never be able to put you first in his life and you deserve so much better than that.”
“I thought you were my friend,” I snapped, my tone cutting.
“I am,” she groaned, “that’s why we’re having this talk. I want you to see that this is going nowhere before you end up hurt.”
I wrapped my hands around the coffee mug, letting the heat penetrate my chilled fingers. “I don’t think you understand our relationship, therefore you can’t know how things will end up.”
“I may not understand, but I’m not stupid. These things always end badly, Sutton. Don’t you think there’s someone else out there that’s a better fit for you?”
I hated that my mind automatically went to Memphis.
“No,” I lied. “Caelan’s it. I love him. Things might be hard for us, but it’s worth it. He’s worth it.”
She shook her head, looking at me like she thought I was incredibly dumb. Maybe I was.
“Do you really believe that?” She asked. Then, not waiting for me to reply, she shook her head and said, “Never mind. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to make you mad at me. Let’s talk about something else…hmmm…how’s work?”
I laughed at her ridiculous change in subject. “It’s work. What do you expect?”
Looking over her shoulder at Emery, where he lounged against the counter, she grinned. “At least you have nice things to look at.”
I snorted. “Only I’m not looking.”
“’Tis a shame.” Biting her lip, she studied Emery. “He has such a nice ass.”
Laughter bubbled out of my throat. “I can’t believe you just said that.”
“What? I might not say the things you do, but it doesn’t mean I don’t think them.”
“I knew there was a reason I liked you so much,” I smiled.
She suddenly frowned. “I am sorry for what I said about you and Caelan. I shouldn’t—”
I raised a hand
, silencing anything that might have further escaped her lips. “Don’t apologize when you don’t really mean it.” My words weren’t harsh, but it was the truth. I hated when people said they were sorry and they really weren’t. Own what you say.
She sighed and picked up the coffee mug, emptying the last of the contents. “You’re right.”
“Aren’t I always?” I smirked.
“Oh, Sutton,” she rolled her eyes. “You know, I’ve never quite had a friend like you before.”
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?” I inquired.
“I think it’s a good thing. You speak your mind and you don’t care what other people think. It’s refreshing. I wish more people were like that.”
I frowned. She didn’t know the half of it. I might act like I didn’t care—keyword being, act—but inside I was as lost and scared as everyone else. Pretending I had some control over my life gave me peace of mind, but it wasn’t the truth. I’d lost all control a long time ago.
“I really admire you,” she continued.
She admired me? Me? I had done nothing worthy, but fake it till I made it. I’d rather plaster a smile on my face than wallow in the self-pity I felt on the inside. I didn’t see how that made me admirable.
“Trust me,” I glared down at the table, “I’m no one you should admire. I’m not perfect.”
“No one’s perfect,” she laughed.
“That’s true,” I agreed. Finishing my muffin and coffee, I stood. “My break’s over. I better get back.”
“Oh,” she shook her head, her red curls bouncing around her shoulders. “Of course. I forgot you were working,” she giggled. “I’ll see you later then.”
I watched her gather up her stuff and leave, a frown turning down my lips. I liked Daphne, a lot, and I did consider her a friend but this conversation only served to remind me how much she didn’t know about me. I knew I didn’t need to share everything with her, but it seemed like if we were to be friends I should open up more. I didn’t know if I could. Letting someone see your vulnerabilities was a difficult thing. I mean, I’d managed to do it with Caelan, but he was…Caelan. He was like me. He’d been hurt. He understood how the tortures of your past could change you. I wasn’t sure Daphne would, and I couldn’t handle it if I told her and like my parent’s and Brandon, she acted as if I was disgusting and wrong and that…and that it was my fault.
Beauty in the Ashes Page 25