My Boyfriend is a Monster

by Coates, J. H.

  “I know, it’s just you both had to change your entire lives for me and he was so mad this morning . . . I guess I’m kinda freaking out a little,” she said trying to be honest.

  “What!” he snapped. “Uh-un, no fucking way bitch,” he said waving his finger in one hand and calling out on his phone on the other.

  “What are you doing?” she said trying to look at who he was calling. “No don’t call him.”

  His finger stopped waving and stood straight at attention telling her to be quite. “Yes, Martin honey, I know what time it is, yes, yes I know, yes . . . will you shut the fuck up,” he demanded into the phone.

  Shaking her head she spun around embarrassed and afraid she just started a fight.

  Todd continued on the phone, “Now Lily is down here as scared as a little mouse because she thinks because you got all mad that we might kick her out.”

  She pleaded again, “Please I didn’t want to start -”

  Todd raised his finger again. “Yes, yes I know, she is right here,” he said and held out his phone to Lily, who just shook her head too afraid to take it. “He ain’t gonna bite.”

  Taking the phone she slowly raised it to her ear and said nonchalantly, “Hello.” She listened. “Yes, no I didn’t . . . I just know how much of an inconvenience I am, no, I’m sorry. No Martin, okay . . . I’m not an inconvenience . . . and you will never kick me out. No more thoughts like that, I promise,” she said smiling and handing the phone back.

  Todd took the phone and pointed at her then to the phone. “Yes, I love you too, now go and enjoy your day off, what the hell are you even doing up?” he said quickly ending the call with his mouth wide open. “Oh, if he wasn’t mad before.” The phone started to ring and vibrate as they both laughed horrifyingly. “Yeah, we’ll just let that go to the answering machine,” he said silencing his phone and putting it back in his pocket.

  Continuing to walk down the street looking for a coffee shop that was open this early was beginning to look doubtful. “I don’t think we are going to find a coffee shop that’s open yet Hooker,” he said looking at how baron the streets were.

  “I think your right Pimp,” she agreed.

  The air was still cool in the air but the warmth of the sun waking up unencumbered by clouds started to make it almost unnoticeable. Still on the lookout as they wandered down the empty morning streets that usually included Martin who would never allow getting a coffee from anywhere else their hopes were starting to diminish. Passing them in delivery trucks and cars the streets were beginning to fill with early commuters but the sidewalks were still devoid of heavy traffic that didn’t need any weaving or bumping just to navigate. It was pure bliss unlike the anarchy that would descend upon the streets in an hour or so where human traffic jams would become the norm. Walking they approached a cross walk that suddenly held out its red lit hand.

  “Should we?” she asked deviously.

  He opted to wait for the light to change. “No way honey, that would be the time a cop would come around the corner, and then proceed to make me the victim of a hate crime.”

  “How would he even know you were gay?”

  Dramatically he held out his arms presenting himself while widening his eyes as he twirled and curtsied. Not being sure if it was his bright shirt and tight black pants or his rainbow tinted sunglasses or his spikey hair, or maybe it was his ultra-chic carry all but he was right, a blind man could guess he was gay, she thought nodding.

  “Thank you.”

  “There isn’t even a car coming.”

  “No.”

  “But -”

  “What is your hurry girl?”

  “I don’t know, I guess because its saying no makes we want to go.”

  Staring at her for a moment the light finally changed and he gave her a look to get moving. “No makes me want to go,” he repeated sarcastically. “Impatient Dr. Seuss mother fucker,” he mumbled as they crossed. Reaching the other side he decided to make sure they were both on the same page, “So you get that you are staying with us for a while right?”

  “Yeah,” she drew out like a child as she squinted to see if a Dunkin’s was open across the street. She looked at him pointing. “Hey-”

  “Oh hell no,” he quickly dispelled.

  But-”

  “I repeats – Hells to the No.”

  Shaking her head she thought this would be the only place open this early before they got to the store he owned, where they could have all the coffee they wanted, for free.

  “I mean, until you meet a guy and get married – but I still think the two of you should stay with me and Martin,” he said starting to laugh. “At least until you save up enough to buy your own place.” They both stopped and started to laugh. “No sense just running out there and renting when you have a perfectly good home at Mom and Dad’s.”

  “You’re the Mom right.”

  “Hello,” he said smiling as pretty as he could.

  “Thank you Mommy,” she said resting her head on his shoulder.

  “Hey, when we picked you up from your old. . .” he said drawing out the old, “Apartment, I promised you that you would never have to be afraid again.”

  “I know.”

  “And how long has it been?”

  “A while now,” she said happily.

  “Not a midnight phone call, not a pounding at the door.”

  “No drunken idiot screaming on the street below at three A.M. in the morning.”

  Tugging on her shoulder with an appalled look on his face he asked, “Yeah, what the hell was that?”

  “Right,” she said rolling her eyes.

  “Like a drunken hillbilly version of Street Car Named Abusive,” he chuckled.

  “Again, thank you.”

  “Well, we love you.”

  “HEY!” a loud thundering voice yelled out making Lily jump.

  Seeing her jump he turned nervously only to see a construction worker behind them who seemed to be yelling at a co-worker. Watching her shutter he quickly put his arm around her and yelled back at the construction workers, “Little early to be yelling isn’t fellas.”

  “Fuck you,” a voice yelled back.

  “Fuck you too,” Todd replied.

  “Who’s yelling now asshole,” the voice called back followed with co-worker laughter.

  “Just a big old dumb construction worker honey,” he said gently giving her a squeeze and guiding her forward.

  “Okay,” she said taking a deep breathe then laughing.

  “Let’s just take it slow and enjoy this fine day.”

  “We gotta find a coffee.”

  “Hooker, I own a coffee shop. And were only a few blocks away,” he said oblivious to his earlier tantrum.

  “Yeah you do,” she said condescendingly.

  “Oh baby, can’t even remember where she works,” he sympathized giving her a hug.

  “You’re a dick,” she laughed squeezing him tighter.

  Letting her hold him for as long as she needed she finally looked up at him smiling. Giving her a kiss on the forehead they began making their way to work. Walking along Lily thought she recognized someone further down the street.

  “Is that Ms. Johnson?” she asked placing her hand just above her eyes to get a better look.

  Squinting he saw that it was. “What the hell is that old bitch doing up this early in the morning?”

  Walking towards the doors of the apartment building she owned Ms. Johnson seemed to be carrying an arm full of papers. Her husband bought the building over forty years ago with some mid-size lottery money. When he died some years back Florida Johnson just kept on running it herself. Being in a favorable area the very old and well-kept building has turned into a nice retirement income. Renovating the building joining apartments together they became large enough to attract a lot of wealthy people who shell out large sums of their wealth just to live there. Being a regular at Sips she frequented the coffee shop throughout the day joining in on current tabloid
gossip and all the local juicy stuff.

  Lily thought she was close enough and yelled out, “Hello Ms. Johnson.”

  Perking up Florida looked around and caught Lily and Todd walking up the street. “Lily,” she said cheerfully giving them a wave. “Hello Todd,” she said matching the cheeriness.

  “Wonderful day,” he said.

  “Don’t think the day has even started,” she replied with a chuckle.

  “What are you doing up this early?” Lily asked lowering her voice as they approached.

  “Have to show the apartment.”

  “The big one on top?” he asked enviously.

  “Mm-Hmm. Looking for something immediately.”

  “It’s a bit early to look at apartments,” Lily suggested.

  “A bit early for a lot of things child,” Florida said trying to put her papers in order.

  Suddenly a police car flew down the street causing Florida and Lily to take notice.

  Todd however was still looking up at the building. “The one for $5200 plus?”

  “Todd,” Lily said smacking his arm for being rude.

  “It’s listed,” he said defending himself.

  Florida just laughed. “That’s the one.”

  Whistling he looked up at the building again. “Single . . . family - what’s the scoop?”

  “Todd,” she said slapping him again.

  “Single, business owner – of what I don’t know but, sounded very gentlemen like,” she said smiling slyly at Lily.

  “Yeah, gentlemen like,” Todd agreed raising his eyebrows making fun of her.

  “That’s nice,” she said getting embarrassed.

  “Please girl,” Florida said, “How long has it been?”

  “Long time,” he answered for her, tattling like a snotty little kid.

  “Mm-hmm,” Florida thought aloud.

  “Hasn’t stalked her for weeks,” he tattled again while doing a little dance. This time Lily gave him an ‘I’m going to get you’ look.

  “We women have needs Lily,” the older lady reminded her.

  “Yeah,” Todd said holding his left hand up making a circle with his index finger and thumb. Then taking his right hand and using that index finger to go in and out of the circle.

  Florida frowned and shook her head. “I meant companionship.”

  “I thought that was companionship,” he said still running his finger in and out of the circle.

  Lily slapped his hands, “Idiot.”

  “What is wrong with you Todd Jacobson?”

  He just shrugged when out of nowhere another police car flew down the street with its lights silently flashing.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Todd asked finally taking notice of something other than the price of the loft and Lily’s sex life.

  “Probably for that murder that took place last night,” Florida said shaking her head.

  “Murder?” Lily asked in a gasping daze.

  “That would be the second one in as many weeks,” Todd said. Leaning over to watch the car fade off in the distance he suddenly turned to Lily. “Hey, I just sounded like a T.V. detective.”

  “You really did,” she agreed then rolled her eyes when he turned away.

  “Mm-Hmm, another young man,” Florida said sorrowfully. “And this one happened a little too close to home if you know what I mean.”

  He turned to Lily again. “I heard the first one looked like something ate him,” he said slowly trying to touch her face.

  “Ewe,” she exclaimed pushing him away.

  “Ripped his heart out and ate it as well as parts of his legs and arms. Like Hannibal Lector or something,” he said feeling a little repulsed.

  “Heard part of the buttocks was eaten too,” Florida revealed as if she had an inside scoop.

  “Hmm,” Lily wondered turning to Todd. “Where were you last night?”

  “You calling me an ass eater?” Holding his hands around an imaginary ass he began taking big imaginary bites out of it. “Mmm, this is some good ass,” he growled.

  Stepping back Lily gives him a peculiar look. Turning to Ms. Johnson she confessed, “Gives me the creeps.”

  “Probably Rick on a killing spree. Do the dudes look like Lily?” Impressed with himself he turns to Lily and sees she is not.

  “That’s not funny,” she said with a scowl.

  Todd turned to Mr. Johnson for some support but she was just slowly shaking her head.

  “Seriously, what is wrong with you Todd Jacobson?”

  “Bad taste?” he asked. Nodding he apologizes, “I’m sorry.” Seeing them still scowling he decides to scowl along with them.

  Turning away from him Ms. Johnson continues to talk to Lily. “Anyways, I will do a bit of reconnaissance on the single wealthy man wanting to rent and be down for my tea with a full report,” she said looking for her keys.

  “Okay Ms. Johnson,” Lily said smiling.

  In his snotty tattle tale voice Todd says goodbye. “Bye Ms. Johnson.”

  “You have my tea ready.”

  “I will,” she replied with a wave and her and Todd continued down the street.

  TWO: The New Tenant

  Watching them walk down the street Florida started to look around for her early morning appointment. Making sure it was still tidy she looked around the door way and then up both sides of the street. She always took pride in how well she kept the building but still worried when a new tenant was coming. Watching the cars and trucks go by she started thinking how good a tea would be right now when suddenly a voice appeared from behind her.

  “Mrs. Johnson?” the friendly voice asked.

  Spinning around a little startled Florida saw a young gentleman standing behind her. Wearing a clean crisp black suit and an obvious ironed shirt with no tie she couldn’t tell what the branding was but she knew it was not from a department store. He was tall and filled out the shoulders of the jacket enough to be called broad and she couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was. Then she couldn’t help but wonder how she didn’t even hear him come up behind her. “You’re my morning appointment, top floor studio” Florida declared.

  “Yes Mam I am,” he said smiling.

  “Well then Mr.…?” she said searching her memory for his last name.

  “Caesar, Nathan Caesar but please, just Nathan,” he offered.

  “I’m sorry, but when you get as old as I am, you start forgetting.” She paused and wondered what else she had forgotten today then shook her head. “Shall we look at the apartment, Nathan,” she said already anxious to tell Todd and Lily how downright gorgeous he was.

  Agreeing they entered the building and then through the second set of security doors past the mail boxes to the dark wood stairs. Making it up a couple of flights they stopped while Florida caught her breathe. “No elevator,” she said breathing a little heavy. “You’re a young strapping man this should be no problem for you.”

  “Not at all, Mrs. Johnson,” he said patiently waiting.

  “Its Ms. Johnson honey, Max passed away years ago, bless him . . . and you can call me Florida,” she said and started to laugh. “Now don’t you go getting any ideas,” she said then laughed a little harder.

  “I’m sorry,” he said confused.

  “I’m off the market,” she said.

  Realizing this sweet old lady was flirting with him he began to laugh with her. Continuing upwards they thankfully reached the top. Florida was definitely out of breath as they stopped in front of a short hallway.

  “My Lord, you better be taking this place child, if I have to walk up these stairs one more time to show it, I might be going down in a gurney,” she said shaking her head almost mournfully. “Those boys will be earning their pay check, yes sir.” She leaned a little closer to Nathan and whispered, “Put on a little weight these past few years.” Snickering she unlocked the door. Walking into the huge open apartment Nathan stood impressed. The floors were hardwood and actually went well with the walls even though they w
ere a standard egg shell white. It had a small bar to the left and to the right a tiny one wall kitchen with a free standing breakfast nook. The rest of the area was open surrounded by windows that he could already see he loved.

  “It’s wonderful,” he admitted. “The pictures do not do it justice,” he said walking in a little deeper.

  “Mm-Hmm, now I know the rent is a little high, but it’s a nice clean building in a nice clean neighborhood.”

  Echoing off the hardwood floor he wandered freely in the open space. “It’s perfect.”

  Noticing how expensive his shoes were Florida made another invisible checkmark to her invisible list. “Over here is the stairs to the bedroom,” she explained pointing out a wraparound staircase. “I’ll wait right here . . . done enough climbing already today.”

  Walking up the circular stairs he was pleasantly surprised again seeing it was an open floor plan with a huge window that was already radiating from the sun. “I love it,” he said picturing his things in different spots.

  Then from down stairs Florida called up, “No closets though, I told that man, put in some damn closets.” She paused and just shook her head. “But he never did.”

  “Nothing a few cabinets and armoires can’t fix.”

  “Better than my son who moved back in with me, 48 years old. Couldn’t find a closet, a hamper or a sink if his life depended on it . . . he would look at me funny if I said to put it in an armoire - what’s an armoire Ma?” Florida said talking to herself.

  “I’ll take it,” he declared coming down the stairs.

  She smiled. “Oh my feet thank you.”

  “It’s perfect Ms. Johnson,” he stopped himself and saw her eye brows were already raised. “It’s perfect – Florida,” he corrected. “And it’s only a few blocks from my store,” he said reaching into his coat pocket and producing a check. Looking at him she was surprised he already had it ready and even more surprised at the amount.

  Seeing her expression he explained. “It’s for the whole year. I still need receipts every month if that’s ok?”

  “You’re not a drug dealer are you?” she asked still looking at the check. It’s not that she didn’t want the money all at once, it would come in quite handy actually, but she never had a tenant pay an entire year in advance before.