Christmas at Bay Tree Cottage

by Linn B. Halton

He gives a throaty chuckle.

  ‘This man needs a little help and I’m not ashamed to admit that. But I am good at painting walls.’

  ‘Touché! I’m good at organising, so maybe we should do a deal.’ Now I’m really laughing and it’s a bit of a relief to hear he’s more like his usual self.

  ‘If you sorted through my wardrobe you’d probably throw most of it out. I have a problem letting anything go. If it’s old, it’s going to be comfortable … and well-loved.’ He throws me a wink.

  ‘Did you just wink at me?’

  He pretends to take offence. ‘Don’t tell me men don’t wink at you all the time, because I won’t believe it.’

  ‘Well, maybe occasionally, but they’re usually much older.’

  He groans, then, much to my amazement, walks over to put on the kettle.

  ‘See,’ he throws over his shoulder, ‘men can do it for themselves. Tea, or coffee?’

  ***

  I have no idea why we are both so relaxed today. Maybe it’s because this is a landmark day. Working side by side I realise that there is no way I could have done this all by myself. You can’t paint one wall, the whole room has to be done. Luke says we need to give the newly re-plastered wall two good coats and then one coat on the rest so that there is no colour variation.

  By lunchtime my arms are aching so much I feel like a wimp. Luke is not only faster than me, but he’s fussy and he keeps pointing out that I’m not applying the paint evenly enough.

  ‘Maya is going to be so surprised when Eve drops her back from school. It will add to the excitement of the tree-decorating tomorrow. Your hard work is finally making this feel like a home rather than a building site. I can’t express how appreciative we are because this was already going to be a tough Christmas, harder in some ways than last year. Things have moved on and Maya is another year older, so this is exactly what we both needed to make this festive season special. When we look back it won’t simply be the second Christmas without Niall, it will be the Christmas we began to feel at home.’

  He stops mid-brushstroke, his expression giving little away. Then he clears his throat and it’s obvious that my words mean something to him.

  ‘Some jobs are just a little more special than others. You’ve made me very welcome, been very accommodating and you never moan about anything, Elana. Maya is the same. You have no idea how refreshing that is, believe me.’

  He hangs his head, it’s obvious there’s been a development and whatever has happened is dragging up some old memories. We work in silence for a while, as the hands of the clock slowly tick by and the day begins to run away from us.

  After a couple of hours I stop because, once more, my arms are aching but I’m also curious to see if a chat over coffee will encourage Luke to open up.

  ‘You’re flagging,’ he grins at me across the table.

  ‘I know. My arm muscles are screaming at me with every lift of the roller. I envy your strength and stamina. Next time around I’m coming back as a man.’

  ‘I don’t think that would suit you. You’re a nurturer and that’s a part of who you are. I’m not sure swapping that for physical strength would be fulfilling.’

  It was a joke, but he missed the point and I feel badly that he’s feeling so sombre.

  ‘However,’ he continues, much to my surprise, ‘not all women are made the same way. I found out that Anita is letting me have Joe this weekend because she’s in a relationship.’

  I hesitate for a moment. They’ve lived apart for a whole year, so surely this can’t have come as a total shock.

  ‘And you’re upset to think you’re losing her to someone else?’

  He shakes his head, moulding his hands around his coffee cup and leaning forward to peer inside. He’s avoiding eye contact.

  ‘Yes. No. Yes and no. It rams home the stark reality that we’ll never be the family unit Joe deserves. But really this is about the fact that she didn’t tell me. Is this guy I know absolutely nothing about spending time with my son? I mean, in theory he could be virtually living there, having the quality time that I’m not allowed to have. She announced it on Facebook, of all places. Everyone seems to have known about this before I did and that makes me feel not just like a fool, but like a bad dad. But none of that matters, compared to the fact that Joe is my son and I have to fight for a few measly hours with him each week.’

  ‘Oh, Luke. That’s wrong, of course it is, but if she’s a good mum then perhaps Joe needs her more than he needs you at this very young stage in his life. If you all lived together you’d still be working every day and only seeing him briefly before bed and at weekends. The time you have with Joe on Saturdays is one hundred per cent quality and bonding time. No one will ever replace you as his dad, believe me, because you love him more than anything in the world. You are prepared to make sacrifices for your son and that is the sign of a real dad.’

  He places his mug back on the table and looks up at me.

  ‘It’s nice to hear someone say that, Elana. But I hate the fact that I feel jealous of another man coming into my son’s life.’

  Instinctively I reach out my hand across the table, and suddenly, Luke’s hand is there, too.

  ‘Maya and I owe you so much. I know you have the sleepover at your parents’ house, but why don’t you come and spend the afternoon with us? We have our little tradition of decorating the tree, when I pretend not to notice Maya eating as many chocolate treats as she’s actually hanging from the branches. We play silly Christmas songs and games, and make gingerbread men. Maya would love some company, we both would.’

  Elana, what are you doing?

  ‘I think Joe would love that. If you’re sure, that is.’

  ‘You’d be doing us a favour. I don’t want to let go of old traditions, but somehow we have to embrace the fact that it will inevitably be different. Joe is at an age where everything is exciting and they take things in their stride. It might be good for you to see that in action and Maya will be delighted. It’s at times like this I really wish she had a sibling.’

  ‘Okay, but we won’t come empty-handed, I’ll bring a little party food. And Santa Racers.’

  Did he just say Santa Racers?

  ‘All will be revealed,’ he adds, with a level of mock-seriousness.

  ‘I can’t wait!’

  Diary Log – day 500. 10 days to Christmas. The numbers stare back at me coldly. There’s a stirring in my heart and yet I’ve never felt more alone. I feel jaded and emotionally tired, which doesn’t exactly make me a hot dating prospect. Too much baggage, perhaps. Life, eh?

  Chapter 33

  Elana

  Fun and Games

  The trip out to collect the tree is the first item on our list today. Maya can’t sit still in her seat and I have to keep asking her not to bob around as she’s obscuring the wing mirror.

  ‘Can we have a blue spruce, please Mum?’

  ‘Of course. It’s ready and waiting for us.’

  ‘How big is it?’

  ‘Well, I asked for one that would fit in the boot, but I have a stretchy lead to tie the boot shut because I suspect it will overhang a little.’

  When we arrive at the garden centre the tree they have set aside is in a net but it’s clearly going to be much too long to fit into the car, even with the stretchy lead.

  ‘What are we going to do, Mum?’

  The young man who has been trying to fit it in for the last five minutes eventually accepts defeat.

  ‘Can you deliver?’

  He shakes his head. ‘Not until Monday at the earliest as today and tomorrow are fully booked.’

  ‘Is there anything smaller?’

  ‘Not if you want a blue spruce. They’re quite wide trees so they have to be a certain height before they’re cut or you would only have one or two layers of branches.’

  Maya’s bottom lip quivers.

  ‘Let me make a call.’ I walk away and dial Luke.

  ‘Luke, we have an emergency. The tree won
’t fit in the car and they can’t deliver until Monday. Do you have the van today, or your own vehicle?’

  ‘The pick-up, but I’m sure it will accommodate up to a six-foot-long tree. I’ll swing by on our way over. I’m just about to pick up Joe.’

  ‘Oh, thank you! It’s Arcade Nurseries and it will be netted and waiting. See you later.’

  I turn back to the guy.

  ‘A friend will come and collect it in an hour or two. Maya, do you think we should go for something a bit bigger? Luke says he can fit in up to a six-foot tree.’

  Maya’s eyes widen and the guy immediately goes off in search of something to show us. Just the difference of another foot turns what was a dumpy-looking tree into something much more majestic.

  ‘Mum, it’s perfect!!’ Maya hops from one foot to another, her face a picture.

  ‘Sold! We’d better pick up a few more decorations on our way home to make sure we have enough.’ Maya claps her hands, happiness oozing out of her.

  ‘Candy canes, Mum! Dad always loved those and we didn’t have them last year.’

  She’s right, we didn’t because we had a smaller tree. It’s the little, seemingly unnoticed, things that children hang on to and yet it’s so easy to forget that they see the world from a different perspective.

  ‘Candy canes it is, then – and lots of them!’

  ***

  By the time Luke, an excited Joe, and the tree arrive we have a batch of gingerbread men and ladies cooling, ready to be iced. Maya and Amelie had already made a lot of beaded strings and with the chocolate snowmen and candy canes, plus our original box of decorations. It’s quite a pile.

  ‘Maya, go and fetch one of your little aprons for Joe. We can roll up his sleeves and hopefully that should be enough protection. Do you like gingerbread, Joe?’

  Joe nods, suddenly going into shy mode and clinging on to Luke’s leg. However, when Maya returns with an apron with a duck on it, he’s more than happy for her to manoeuvre it over his head. Luke stoops to pull up Joe’s sleeves and he toddles out to the kitchen, holding tightly onto Maya’s hand.

  ‘This is really very good of you, Elana. I was going to take him to soft play, but we do that all the time. Good choice in trees, by the way. If you need me in the kitchen, shout, but I’ll just take the netting off and assemble that tree holder. Where do you want it to stand?’

  ‘Thanks, Luke. In the corner of the sitting room, I think – opposite the TV. Maya, you can kneel on the chair and Joe can stand on the one next to it in front of the worktop. I’m coming now and I’ll hold him so he doesn’t fall.’

  Luke gives me a grateful smile and we head off in different directions.

  ‘Shall we let Joe pick a colour first?’ I ask Maya, as she spreads the tubes of icing sugar out on the counter top.

  ‘Hey, Joe. Do you like red, or green, or white?’

  As I busy myself wiping his hands and pulling out wipes for Maya, Joe takes the green tube from Maya.

  ‘Eetie.’

  Maya calls out to Luke. ‘What does eetie mean, Luke?’

  ‘Ah, he thinks it’s a sweet.’ Luke calls out.

  ‘Yes, sweetie, Joe, but we aren’t going to eat it just yet,’ Maya explains, with all the seriousness a six-year-old can muster.

  I can’t help but smile. It would be so lovely for Maya to have a sibling, but that’s something totally unimaginable. It’s funny, though, how looking after someone else, no matter what age you are, is good for the soul.

  I literally stand there only to make sure Joe doesn’t wobble sideways, while together they pipe icing and stick on chocolate buttons. A few get eaten and the odd finger covered in icing is licked, but the end result is some beautifully decorated gingerbread folk. Luke walks into the kitchen to check out our progress.

  ‘Wow, those are some happy-looking gingerbread cookies. Great job, Maya and Joe.’

  ‘Eetie,’ Joe says, nodding his head.

  Maya passes him a chocolate button. ‘We can eat them after lunch, Joe. Which one would you like?’

  After much deliberation they each pick their favourite and we put them to one side for later.

  ‘The tree is all ready,’ Luke confirms

  ‘Time to decorate the tree!!’ Maya squeals.

  As I busy myself carrying the boxes into the sitting room, I leave Luke wiping hands to remove the last vestiges of sticky, sugary goo. First things first, and that’s to put on one of Maya’s Christmas CDs. The first track is ‘Walking in the Air’ by Aled Jones. She comes running in, Joe following closely behind her and Luke bringing up the rear.

  ‘We have a tree, we have a tree!’ As Maya begins bouncing around, Joe decides he’s going to copy her. However, he’s a little young to know how to skip, so he does a sort of bunny hop that’s very funny to watch. Luke stands back watching him with that proud-dad look on his face. Maya claps her hands and Joe follows suit, clearly delighted that he’s able to emulate her.

  Luke places the star at the very top of the tree and as we hand him the bead chains and the tinsel garlands he begins working down from the top. I snake the lights through from the bottom and despite a few scratches from the needles, they are soon threaded up through the tree. Once that’s done the kids hang the glitter balls, stars, candy canes and chocolate decorations. One or two get eaten, but that’s part of the fun and I even catch Luke sharing one with Maya.

  ‘It’s a reward, Mum. Luke did the hard part at the top,’ she explains.

  When we stand back and the lights are finally switched on, it’s a delight. Maya and Joe stand side by side, staring at the tree.

  ‘Tree.’ Joe says the word so clearly, his voice full of awe.

  ‘Team-working at its best,’ Luke adds.

  ‘Is this the best tree we’ve ever had? I think it might be, Mum.’

  I nod, thinking the same, but my heart is torn as I don’t want to compare and bring back memories that will suck all the joy out of today.

  ‘I think you’re right, the best.’ Actually, that’s true, but I refuse to let tears come and I swallow hard, maintaining an encouraging smile.

  Luke must sense my turmoil, because he places his hand on my arm, giving it a little squeeze. As our eyes meet I know he understands my dilemma.

  ***

  We laugh, we play and we eat. Luke brought a carrier bag full of party nibbles to add to the sandwiches Maya and I had made. With the gingerbread probably taking the sugar intake for the day a little over the top, we add to that with a fresh-fruit platter, but at least it’s something a little healthier.

  Joe was able to join in with all of the games and loved Twister, although he couldn’t reach all the spots. It’s a game I found years ago in a charity shop and it’s really silly, but you end up laughing a lot as you have to put your hand on one colour spot and your foot on another. Then Luke revealed Santa Racers. Everyone has a Santa in a different-coloured sleigh with wheels underneath. You roll it backwards first and when you let go it races off and the one that goes the furthest is the winner. The new flooring was the perfect surface and the sleighs headed off at quite a speed. We had such fun and it’s such a simple game that after a while we left Maya and Joe to play it on their own, while we grabbed a quiet coffee.

  ‘I can’t believe how much Joe has been able to join in. I was nervous about having him for the best part of two whole days, but it’s easier to keep him occupied than I thought. I mean, I’m used to six hours, but by the time we visit his grandparents, go swimming, or head off to the soft play centre for lunch, the time flies.’

  ‘Well, judging by how successful the Santa sleighs are you should buy him a set of Hot Wheels. Hours of fun guaranteed.’

  ‘I think you’re right. I assumed he was a bit young for it, but he seems to have the knack, doesn’t he?’

  ‘Well, he’s a bright little thing and when he’s pre-school age he’s going to love being with a mixed-aged range, by the looks of it. Maya adores him!’

  ‘Anita takes him to a toddle
rs’ group but maybe I could look at doing something like that on Saturdays.’

  ‘Libraries often run little story-time and activity sessions. It might be worth seeing whether there’s anything going on locally. Just Google kid’s activities and a postcode, you’ll be surprised what comes up. If you ever want to bring him over here for a couple of hours, just phone to check we’re here first. Maya would be more than happy to play with him. Even after the work is finished, that’s a standing offer.’

  Luke seems a little taken aback.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘We like having you here, Luke. Both of you.’

  Eeek! What am I doing? Am I flirting with him? Of course not. We exchange awkward glances and then I burst out laughing.

  ‘You know what I mean,’ I add, just to make myself clear. He gives me a wink and I find myself chuckling. It’s lovely to see him so relaxed and happy, especially after how unsettled he’s been. Guess this December is a turning point for us both as we move forward on our separate paths.

  ‘See you Monday morning. I’ll pop in with the door strips and it will only take half an hour to get them in situ.’

  ‘Have a lovely time with Joe.’ I close the door after waving them off. Suddenly the cottage feels strangely quiet, despite the strains of ‘I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas,’ playing hauntingly in the background.

  Diary Log – day 501. 9 days to Christmas. Since we hit 500 the number looks so big. Maybe I should stop counting the days as it’s pretty depressing. In fact, I think I’m going to stop the log on Christmas Day. When I had the final session with my therapist, Catherine, she said I would know when the time was right. We had the best day I can remember for a long time, today, Niall. So good, that now I’m feeling guilty. I’d forgotten what it was like to have a day with so few negative thoughts. Then it hit me. This is what moving on is going to feel like and I can’t resent that because I know you want us to grab whatever happiness we can. If I had been the one leaving you and Maya alone, I would have wanted you to reclaim a normal life. Not just for her sake, but also for yours. I now understand that you would want the same for me. It feels like goodbye, only it isn’t because you will always be in our hearts, no matter what happens. But there’s someone who has reminded me what it feels like to be alive again and it’s like a breath of fresh air. He’s too young for me, of course. He deserves to have someone by his side who can breeze through life, seeing nothing but the joy in it. With age comes wisdom and that isn’t always a good thing. Probably what I need is a calming influence, someone with enough life experience to challenge me when I’m in my negative mode.