“Pres,” he chides.
“Don’t ‘Pres’ me! You have some nerve showing up here.”
“It was a long time ago.” I want to sock him in the face.
“Leave,” I demand.
Zach walks closer and crosses his arms across his chest.
“I’m not leaving until we settle this. I want us to get things out in the air.”
“Fine.” I grab the paper clip holder and toss it. I miss again. “That was in the air.” I look for something else to launch at him.
“Stop throwing things!” He moves closer with his hands raised in surrender.
I glare at him. “Don’t tell me what to do. We have nothing to say to each other.”
Zach half laughs as he grips my arms. “I think there’s a lot to say, Pres. It’s been a long time.” He releases my arms and gives me a look that says: “Don’t throw anything.”
“I have nothing to say to you.”
“If we’re both living here now, I think we owe it to each other to air out the past.”
I fight the hundreds of snarky comments that sit on my tongue. “Right. Just like that. We can hash out the fact that you cut me to pieces faster than a hot knife through butter. What was I thinking?” I clutch my chest in mockery. “Please, by all means, sit.” I motion for the chair in front of him. “Let’s air out the fucking past.”
He looks at me with a smug grin. “You haven’t lost your sarcasm.” Zach moves around to the chair in front of my desk and sits slowly, keeping his eyes on me. At least I have him scared I’m going to chuck something at him. Next thing to go flying is my boot.
“I haven’t lost my temper either.”
“First,” he says, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “I’m truly sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I loved you so much, and leaving you that day was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve lived my whole life regretting that choice.”
I sit back as the air expels from my lungs. “That’s what you start off with? For Christ’s sake, Zach, let’s not waste any time getting to the heavy stuff.”
“If I didn’t say it now, I don’t know if you’d let me have that chance.” His fingers run through his hair, which means he’s nervous. At least it’s not just me. “I’ve never forgiven myself for hurting you.”
I roll my eyes. “You didn’t hurt me. You killed me. But that’s all in the past. I’m over it, and you.”
“Was the stapler itchin’ to be thrown?”
“Are you saying I’m not over you? Do you think I’ve spent all this time pining for you?” I ask with my arms crossed. Idiot.
“I didn’t mean—” He stops. “I didn’t think you were.”
Years I’ve wanted to hear those words. I wanted to know how it was so easy for him to choose baseball over me. I was his fiancée. He made me promises. I’ve never loved anyone like Zach. First love is naïve. I was open and trusting. I didn’t hold back on how much love I gave; he got every ounce inside of me. He took over every nook and cranny. There are spaces inside that Todd never could touch because they were Zach’s. I hate him for that. I hate that I would look at Todd sometimes and wish he acted like Zach. It is irrational and unfair, but that’s the truth.
“So, Felicia, huh?”
“She’s changed,” he says.
“I’m sure.” She hasn’t.
Zach rubs his hands on his legs. This is uncomfortable for both of us. “Can we not talk about her? Please,” he pleads. “I didn’t come here to fight.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
It’s not like I even want to have this conversation, but it seems it’s unavoidable. “This used to not be so hard,” he says as he grabs the back of his neck. “We used to talk about anything.”
“Zach,” I say with a sigh. “I don’t know what you want here. It’s been almost eighteen years since we last saw each other. And when we said goodbye it wasn’t on good terms. There’s a shit ton unresolved between us. If you came here for forgiveness—I forgive you. If you came here for a friendship—I can’t do that.”
He sits back and doesn’t respond. I wait for him to say something after my tirade, but I get nothing.
Well, I refuse to say another word.
Finally, he clears his throat. “I didn’t come here looking for anything. I came here because Wyatt said you have no plans of leaving. I thought you were passing through, so I stayed away. I knew you didn’t want to see me. And if we’re being honest, I didn’t know if I wanted to see you.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“Let me finish.” He groans. “You bring up a whole lot of shit I buried.”
“Well, sorry to make you suffer.”
“Fucking hell, Presley.” His voice grows more agitated. “I’m trying to be nice here.”
I couldn’t give a shit what he’s trying to do. “Seventeen years! Seventeen years! Nice? You think being nice is going to erase all of that? Did you really think I was going to be happy to see you? I’ve avoided this damn town because it hurts too much.” I let out a long breath through my nose. “I’m not in love with you. I don’t need to clear anything up. Everyone keeps talking about you, and I don’t want to! Every single place here has something that reminds me of you. Hell, this damn desk does!”
His eyes go to it as his grin forms. Bastard. “I live with the memories too. You’re not the only one who lost here. I wanted a future, but you closed that door when I left.”
“Say that last part again.”
“I didn’t leave you because I didn’t love you. I wanted to build a life with you! It didn’t have to be over!”
My heart skips a beat. As much as I will try to fight the draw—it’s there. Zach holds a string that’s tied inside of me. If he pulls, I’ll unravel. I’m praying I can keep enough tension to prevent that pain. I’ve had enough in the last few months.
“Yeah.” I sigh. “It really did.” So many things he doesn’t even have a clue about. What I went through when he left. The heartache I endured . . . he doesn’t have an inkling of what I suffered.
“I know I hurt you. I hate that I broke your heart. I also know you’re married.”
I look at my hand. He heard Wyatt say I was single. He’s fishing, but the truth is already out there. “My husband passed away, but I’m guessing you know something about that.” I challenge him. “I highly doubt your mama didn’t mention it.”
“I’m sorry. I really am,” he says, leaning forward. “All I knew was that you were back because of something with him, but I was trying to let you say it.”
So many years. So many memories between us. It’s easy to look at him and recall them all. Zach reminds me of a time when life was just—easy. We lived as if nothing could touch us. We had passion, trust, love, and hope for the future we dreamed of. I still see the boy who had the world at his feet. He’s deep inside this man who I don’t know anymore.
“I really need to get back to work.”
“Mom!” Logan barrels through the door. “Cayden took my iPad and deleted all the pictures.” His face is red from either running or crying.
“I’m sure we’ll get them back,” I reassure him.
Logan pants, trying to catch his breath. “They had all my pictures of Dad.”
I stand and come around the desk as he holds the tablet out. “I have photos of your daddy. Don’t worry.”
The chair shifts and Zach stands as Logan and I look over. My chest constricts at the sight of my son standing before the man that could’ve been my husband. My eyes shift between them.
Zach steps forward with a smile. “Hey there. I’m Zach Hennington.” He extends his hand. “You know my brother, Wyatt?”
“Oh! I’m Logan,” Logan exclaims and puts his hand in Zach’s. “Wyatt is fun. He took us out on the horses this morning. He and Uncle Cooper are going to teach us to shoot a gun today!”
“The hell they are!” I scoff. I swear, these damn men in my life.
“Stop being a baby, Mom.”
Zach smirks. “Wyatt really likes when you tell him how bad he missed.”
Logan grins as if they’re in some secret pact. “Thanks, man.”
“Any time.”
Logan runs off, completely forgetting about the iPad issue. Zach’s entire demeanor shifts. His eyes fill with some emotion I can’t place. “Logan?”
“Yeah? And his twin brother is Cayden.” I have no clue where he’s going with this.
“You named your son Logan?” He moves around the room, stopping and then starting again.
“Zach?”
He takes two steps, and his body is almost touching mine. I stop breathing from his proximity, and that light-headed feeling floods back. His hand lifts and drops before he touches me. “I need to leave.”
I muster all the strength I have. “You always do.”
The hurt flashes in his eyes, but he recovers quickly. “I’m not the same man I was then. I wasn’t even a man. I was twenty-two years old with a lot of dreams.” Zach steps back and I can breathe again.
I get that we were kids. Deep down I’m fully aware I’m being unjust. Zach was offered the chance of a lifetime. He took it. But in the wake of that decision, I was left to pick up the pieces. Alone in a town away from my family, with a broken promise, and a lot of heartache. When he followed his dream, he annihilated mine of a life together.
“I know, and if it weren’t for those choices, I wouldn’t have the life I do now.”
As I say the words, I’m unsure if I’m happy about that or angry again. Funny how there can be so many meanings to one sentence.
“I’m sorry you lost your husband. I truly am.”
“I’m glad you found Felicia,” I reply. I’m completely full of shit. Of all the people in the world, she’s the worst of them. Right now, I don’t want anything from him but for him to leave me the hell alone.
I’m barely holding on. Being around him like this . . . hurts. I miss him. I’ve missed him for so long. Yes, I loved my husband very much. Yes, my life was fine without Zach. But Zach knew me without having to say a word.
There were never questions about what was wrong. He just knew. And God how I miss that level of friendship. Even after a decade of being with Todd, he never had that with me. It was different.
Zach steps closer, and I retreat. His proximity isn’t a good thing. “I’m not going to hurt you, Presley.”
But like old times, his blue eyes tell me he doesn’t know if he can keep that promise. He’s testing me. Testing himself. We both feel the electricity between us. It was there long ago, and it apparently hasn’t ebbed at all. His body moves with ease toward me. My heart races and I’m sure he can see my breathing quicken. “Zach,” I say as a plea.
“I just want to get this part over,” he explains.
Slowly his hands extend toward my arms. As soon as his skin touches mine, a tear falls. I swallow a whimper as his fingers clasp my shoulders. It’s an innocent touch, but it ruins me. Zach doesn’t stop though. He pulls me into his body. He breaks me apart. He puts me together. He’s my poison and my antidote. My arms wrap around his torso without hesitation. We remain like this for who knows how long, but for the first time since Todd killed himself, I feel safe.
And that’s not a good thing to feel in Zach’s arms.
“I KNOW,” I SAY TO Angie while trying to clean the boys’ rooms. “I miss you too.”
It’s been hard going from seeing her every day to this. She has no idea what hearing her voice does to me. Part of me wants to smile and be happy to talk to her. I miss her terribly. The other part of me wants to curl up and cry.
“I can’t believe this is the first time we’re talking. I knew you’d be busy, but I figured you’d call a few times.” Her wounded tone tells me everything.
I sit on the edge of the bed, feeling deflated. “I’m sorry.” I won’t lie to her and tell her some bullshit excuse, which she’d let me use.
“I get it, Pres, but you’re missed here.” Her voice cracks. I’m not the only one who had their life flipped upside down. Angie lost her brother, and then me and the kids. “When do you think you’ll come home?”
I don’t think she fully understands. The credit card bills and the equity line he took out, and all of it with my name as a co-signer. I either file for bankruptcy, which I want to avoid at all costs, or I live here and pay the payment plans they’ve allowed me.
A tear falls as I wrestle with the truth. “I don’t know. Short of winning the lottery, it’s going to be a while.”
“This is such bullshit. You know that, right?” She pauses and then begins her own tirade. “You shouldn’t have to be punished because of him. He did all this. He opened new credit cards. Not you. It’s ridiculous and unfair. So now you and the kids had to move, sell your part of the bakery, and work for your parents? You didn’t do this, so why the hell do you have to pay it back?”
My anger builds as I listen to her. I grip the shirt in my hand and rage consumes me. “Because he was a fucking coward! He did this to us! You want the answer? It lies at Todd’s feet.”
Angie gasps. “I . . . I’m,” she struggles to speak.
I know I’ve hurt her, but it’s why we haven’t spoken. My anger turns to sadness as I decide to lay it all out for her. She didn’t do this to me and doesn’t deserve my hostility. “I’m sorry. He was your brother, which is why talking to you is so hard. I’m really angry, Ang. I mean, deep in my soul kind of anger.” A tear falls. “I’m not sad or longing for him anymore. Then I feel guilty for feeling that way,” I confess the feelings I keep bottled up.
“I’m sorry. You’re allowed to feel,” she says.
“It’s different for me now. And when I talk to you, I remember the life I had. The job I always wanted, the house I loved, the friends and PTA I had to leave.” She doesn’t say a word, but I can hear the hiccup through the line. “You remind me of him. You remind me of the happiness I once had. It hurts to talk to you, and it hurts to know that.”
“I’m angry too, Presley. I’ve lost everyone.” She’s sobbing now. “He tore a hole in my life too. I’m dealing with the same emotions. I just want you back here. I want my best friend and my sister back.”
The agony in her voice breaks me. Hurting her is the last thing I would ever want to do. “I wish it were different.”
“I wish a lot of things.”
We both sit quietly, coming down from the emotional outbursts and raw truths.
Angie clears her throat. “How’s Bell Buckle? Are you holding up okay?”
“It’s . . . the same.”
“How do the boys like it?”
I smile. “Surprisingly well after the shock wore off. They’re loving being around Cooper and Wyatt. Cayden has really taken to the horses. And you know Logan, he’s easy.” That’s the one thing I have to be most grateful for. They may have lost their father, but they’ve gained two male role models.
“Wyatt is on your ranch?”
Shit. “Yeah, he’s the foreman.”
I can imagine the wheels turning in her head. I give her five seconds before the next question comes.
Five.
Four.
“What about Zach? Is his stupid ass still in Los Angeles or wherever the fuck he left you to go?”
Angie is not a fan of Zach. She’d have castrated him if she could’ve back then. He has no clue about the mess I was in. But Angie does. She picked me up off the floor and forced me to live. “Zach’s here.”
“Well, I hope you kneed him, slapped him, or some other form of physical pain. It must’ve been great to let it out on him though.”
“Yup.”
I can’t tell her what I’m feeling. It feels like every part of my life is lying to the other. The tangled web is so immense—I don’t know where the beginning is anymore. The lies about how Todd died. The lies about how seeing Zach makes me feel. The lies about how badly I’m in debt. It’s suffocating me.
“I gotta run, Ang. I’ll call s
oon. I promise.”
“Okay,” she says with disappointment in her voice. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
I disconnect the call and wipe my face. I’ve never kept secrets from her. I’ve never lied to her, but this isn’t something I can share. I don’t even know what it is anyway. I have old feelings. That’s normal. I mean Zach was my first love. He was my world for so long, of course seeing him would make me nostalgic. That’s all this is.
Of course my mother asks me to head into town to get her some things she needs for dinner. Apparently, she and Wyatt are in on the same plan. Push me off the ranch and force me to deal with living here. I was doing fine pretending otherwise.
I head to the general store, which is no bigger than a 7-11 but packs more items than a major chain grocery store. It baffles me.
I grab the things I need and head to the register. “Well,” Mrs. Rooney says as she looks up with a smile. “I was wondering when you were going to come see me.” She comes around and draws me in her arms. “Get over here and let me get a look at you.”
She hasn’t changed much. She’s still under five foot, her hair still hangs to her mid back, only now it has a lot more gray in it, but it’s her eyes that I remember most. She has the kindest eyes. One look and I instantly feel better.
“I’m sorry it wasn’t sooner,” I say, hugging her back.
Mrs. Rooney was the only one who didn’t try to hold me back. She was easily my favorite person in this town. I can remember coming in here as a kid and sitting on the stool and telling her everything. She was the kind of friend that you could bare your soul to and she’d never judge you. I feel guilty for not coming to see her before now.
She pulls back with a smile. “I understood why you’ve stayed in hiding, darlin’.”
“I’m not hiding,” I defend myself.
“No? What do you call a month of living here and only leaving your house a handful of times?”
“Adjusting.”
Mrs. Rooney laughs and shakes her head. “You’re something else. Your mama talks about those two little boys constantly. Tell me how old they are now.”
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