Grace’s pouty face reminds me of the boys. One day I’ll stop being a sucker. “Fine.”
We head in where everyone is hanging around. Grace grabs my hand and leads me through the crowd. Thankfully there aren’t a lot of people I recognize. We find a spot at the bar and grab our beers. It’s funny how since Todd is gone, I remember things I used to like. When he was alive, I drank wine or vodka, now I’m grabbing beer and whiskey. I hated wearing boots or anything tight, yet here I am in both. I don’t know if it was him that I changed for, or if I was fighting so hard to not be the country girl I am.
Morphing into something else didn’t hide who I really am.
“Look what the cat dragged in.” I hear Felicia’s unpleasant voice from behind me.
I turn with a scowl. “Hi there, Felicia.”
Grace side eyes me.
“Good to see you,” Felicia says.
“I thought you and Zach were in Nashville,” Grace tacks on.
“We were, but Wyatt called sayin’ there was some emergency at the farm. You know how it is with our farm.”
Our ? Grace grabs my arm before I can say anything. “We’re having a girls’ night, so we’ll catch you later.” She whisks me away.
“What the hell?”
“She’s delusional, and you don’t need to worry about the crap she shits out of her mouth.”
I laugh at the visual she paints. “Do you see the cowboy you have your eyes on?” If she doesn’t, we’re leaving.
“Yup, I do!” Grace practically bounces. “How do I look?”
I give her a once over, fluff her hair, and pull one sleeve off her shoulder. She always was beautiful. Her hair is woven to a side braid and her deep blue eyes pop with the dark liner. “You look perfect.”
“Trent—” She starts to say something and then stops, shaking her head. “No, I’m not thinking about that man. He had his chance. I’m over him.”
The Hennington boys don’t seem to think their hold runs out though.
I glance around her, trying to see who the cowboy she set her sights on could be, but my eyes land on Zach. Dammit.
“Grace, he’s here.”
Her breath catches. “Who? Trent?”
“No, Zach.”
“So what? You’re not with him. You don’t even like him.”
I know Grace and she knows me. I may not like him. I may not want even a second of time with him, but there’s no denying how we still look at each other. We both try to fight the rope that binds us, but the knots are too tight.
“Right. Not a big deal.” I try to play it off, but the slight lift of her lip tells me she doesn’t buy it. “Shut up.”
Her hands rise. “I didn’t say a word.”
She turns her head and lets out a heavy sigh. “What is it?” I ask.
“I need a shot. I’m being a chicken.”
I shake my head. She’s always been shy. It was always one of us pushing her out of her comfort zone. Good to see some things are still like I remember. “Okay, shots it is.”
Nothing like some liquid courage.
Grace gets a Buttery Nipple whereas I get Jameson on the rocks from the bartender, Brett. He graduated high school with us and was always the one throwing parties. Funny that he chose this line of work. He hands us the drinks with a smile and lingering eyes.
“No fair that I’m the only one doing shots!” Grace complains.
“Wanna trade?” I offer her, but she shakes her head.
“I don’t know how you drink that stuff anyway.”
“Bottoms up!” I raise my glass.
We clink, and she chugs. I sip my whiskey, looking around and enjoying the music. She stares at the dance floor looking forlorn. I feel bad that she’s unhappy, so I quickly finish my glass and order us another round. Grace’s mood perks up as we keep drinking.
Two more glasses down, and somehow Grace gets me to do a few of her nasty shots. I’m feeling light and free. It’s like floating . . . albeit with cement blocks on my feet.
Zach and Felicia slow dance, and it takes everything within me not to pitch a fit. The feeling I was enjoying dissipates. I hate her. Self-righteous bitch. I hate him. Reckless boy. I hate men because they’re assholes who break your heart and then make you live a life you didn’t want.
I chug the remnants of my Jameson and thank God for the one man who always keeps me feeling good.
Then I look over at Zach, who smiles. Fuck you and your dumb smile. I hate you. I fake smile back and then turn toward Grace with a grimace.
“Why the long f-face?” Grace stutters.
I close my eyes so I don’t have to see them. “I hate her. I really hate her. And she’s ugly.”
Grace looks over and laughs. “Inside and out.”
“Right.” I giggle. “Whatever, I don’t want him anyway. He can keep his stupid girlfriend with her stupid hair and her stupid lips. I don’t even like him.”
“Suuure,” she slurs while falling off the chair. “Crap!”
We burst out in loud fits. Shit, I’m drunk as hell. “How much have we drank?”
“Not enough! Bartendeeeeer!” Grace slams her hand on the bartop. “Get my girl and me another round.”
We take another round of shots, which some very nice man at the end of the bar pays for. Grace and I are now completely blitzed. “Let’s dance!” she yells, or at least I think she does.
Bouncing to the dance floor, we hold on to each other as we do what I think are the right steps. I’ve been doing this my whole life. I’m functioning solely on muscle memory.
At the end of the song, a handsome cowboy grabs me. “Wanna dance?”
“Why the hell not?” I smile.
He holds me close against his body and leads me around the floor. I giggle and rest my head on his chest so I don’t get sick. His hands are strong and firm. Everything I remember about these kind of guys. They’re rough and rugged with muscles to die for. But this cowboy doesn’t know my current baggage, so I let him roam the range a little. Plus, right now . . . I don’t even care.
“You’re Presley Townsend, right?”
“Benson, but yes.”
“Well, you’re as pretty as I remember.”
That stops me for a second. “I know you?”
He laughs as his hand grabs right above my butt cheek. “Honey, I’ve known you my whole life. You were always untouchable though.”
I lift my head to find Zach glaring at me and my dance partner. I return the look briefly before giving my attention back to him. “Well, I’m not untouchable anymore.” I move my hand up his chest slowly.
His lips close in and brush against my cheek. “I see that.”
I turn my head so I can look back at the man who held that role for so long. He gazes down at Felicia, and then she grabs his neck and kisses him. I start to shake and drop my hands. “I don’t feel good. I’ll be back,” I explain and rush to the bathroom. I feel sick, but it’s not the booze.
I take a few minutes to collect myself. He was kissing her, but she’s his girlfriend. It’s irrational and completely insane to think I should care. I was married. I have two kids and clearly had a life after him. But I didn’t ever consider him having the same. My hands hold the sink as I try to get a freaking grip.
My mind goes to the way he stared at me. The way he kissed me. Zach is engrained so deep in my soul I don’t know how to expunge him. I don’t want him in there, because he doesn’t belong to me anymore.
I promise myself I won’t let myself acknowledge any of those feelings. This is just my loss and pain reflecting on the past. The sands of time have fallen and buried Zach and me. Now it’s up to me to find a new hourglass.
I close my eyes and step back, ready to live this new drunken life.
“Watch it.” I hear from behind me.
“Did I step on your foot? Poor thing.” I want to say sorry, but it’s Felicia, so I don’t. I couldn’t care less about hurting her right now. Plus, I’m not really certain that I’m
speaking in coherent sentences.
Grace opens the door. “Pres! There you are!”
Felicia looks at her before returning to me. “Zach’ll rub it. He rubs all my pains away.” She shrugs. “I bet you remember how that feels. Or maybe you don’t.”
I go from annoyed to hostile in no time. “Fuck you.” I step toward her with my fists balled. “I’m pretty sure he’d much rather be rubbing me than you.”
Oh, my God. I actually said that.
By the sound of Grace’s gasp, I really did. She comes around behind me and tries to pull me away.
“That’s why he’s here with me?”
“Is that why he kissed me?” Keep it up, Presley. You’re on a roll. I want to punch myself. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t be letting her bother me. I need to leave and get sober. But for this one second, it feels so good. I’m not bottling anything up or thinking about anything. I’m letting it all out.
Grace yanks me harder toward the door. “Pres, let’s go dance.”
“He already told me.” She crosses her arms. “He told me how he felt nothing when it happened. It reaffirmed you’re his past.”
It hurts me in the depths of my soul where I’ve been hiding all my emotions. It was a stupid mistake that meant nothing. Maybe it was just old times. Maybe it was something else, but there is a small part of me that still loves him. And her saying that . . . cuts me deep.
“You’re a bitch,” Grace says over her shoulder as she pulls me out of the bathroom.
“I want another drink,” I say to Grace. She nods and rubs my back.
Zach is standing right outside the door when we exit. His eyes meet mine, and I’m sure he sees it. “Presley. Are you okay?” The sound of his voice soothes me, even though I don’t want it to. I look at him and remember the good things. The way Zach could make me feel so protected. His heart that he wore on his sleeve. His heart that was mine. I remember the nights he’d hold me in his arms, promising me we’d always be together. The way his lips felt against mine, and how I never wanted to lose that.
I close my eyes as a tear falls. I won’t let him see me though. “No.” I say the word as we walk away.
It’s honest.
It hurts.
But it’s the first real thing I’ve said to him.
Grace pulls me against her, and we move. The tears don’t stop. The alcohol has unleashed the things I’ve hidden. I plop into a chair with my head in my hands. “I’m so foolish,” I say as Grace rubs my arms.
“Go grab her some water, Grace. I’ll take her outside for some air.” Zach’s deep timbre is close to my ear.
I look up with blurry vision, but I know it’s him. I would be able to see him if I were blind.
“Let’s go outside. You don’t need eyes on you.” His hand extends, and I don’t hesitate. When our skin touches, my chest aches. I don’t want to feel anymore. Why can’t I close myself off? The confusion whips around in my head, tying me up and fusing me to him. Zach’s touch spurs a myriad of reactions.
Once we get out back, I rip my hand from his. “Why are you here? Why do you have to be here? Why can’t you leave me alone?”
“Why are you so hell-bent on pushing me away?”
“Because you mess with my head!” The tears fall as I look in the blue eyes I’ve missed. “Why do you care? Why are you out here with me and not with her?”
“Because you’re in pain,” he says as if that makes any sense.
“You have no idea, Zach. You can’t even begin to imagine how much pain I’m in.”
“Tell me. I’m always your friend. Just talk to me and tell me. Get it out, Presley. What has you in so much pain that you can’t even see what you have here?”
Anger flows from the pit of my stomach. Hate, regret, fear, devastation all bubble to the surface. I look at him and want him to understand. He did this. Todd did this. “Because of you and him! You’re the same. You leave. You take and take, and then you both threw me away like I was nothing.” The agony pours out from every fiber of me. “Am I that bad? Am I worth nothing? Don’t you see, Zach?” I choke on the words. “You left me alone and scared. Then Todd put me together only to fucking hang himself because I wasn’t worth the time to talk about it. He left me and those boys like we meant nothing. God!” I grip the side of my head as I explode from every cell in my body. I can’t stop crying or feeling. My words are like a volcano erupting. “Selfish! You’re both selfish!”
“Presley.” He steps forward, but when he touches me, I flinch back. “It wasn’t like that with me.”
His words only enrages me more. “It was exactly like that! I’m not healing because you all have cut me so deep, there’s no cure. I needed you to stay! I loved you so much that a part of me died when you left me. You broke me so much more than I even knew! I got better though. I picked myself up and found my second chance. I needed him to stay! I needed you to stay!” I step back as a sob erupts from my chest. “Why couldn’t you have stayed?”
That’s the thing though, no one ever stays.
Zach’s arms are around me before I can say another word. I cling to him like he’s my savior. I need him so much right now. I don’t know why. I can’t grasp anything except the pain I feel and the comfort he’s offering. In this moment, he feels safe. He holds me close as I weep.
“I’m sorry,” he says as he tightens his embrace. “I’m so sorry I hurt you, Presley. I loved you more than you ever knew.” He doesn’t loosen his hold as he continues. “I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to figure it out.”
He’s keeping me together. I can’t speak or even think. I allow his arms to envelop me. I don’t want him to let go because I fear that I’ll fall apart.
Zach pulls back, gripping my face in his hands. His thumbs wipe the tears that fall. “Your husband, though, he must’ve been desperate. No one would ever leave you unless they had no choice.”
“Don’t,” I plead. “I should’ve never said anything.” In all these months I’ve never said the words aloud. The lie of his death has been my own load to carry, and I’m being crushed by it.
“You’ve been keeping this in all this time?” My lips quiver as I see the pain in his eyes. He may not have known Todd, but he can see the agony I’m in. “Pres, who else knows?”
My body shakes as the reality of what I’ve revealed truly hits. I told the last person I’d ever want to confess my secret to. I start to backpedal. “That’s not what I meant.”
His eyes widen. “What part?”
“Nothing. I’m drunk and didn’t mean what I said.”
Zach steps back and the door flies open. “There you are!” Felicia’s eyes narrow in on Zach’s hands on my wrists. “Baby?” She saunters over. “I was looking for you.”
I tug my arms back and wipe my face. I will not let her see anything.
“Hey,” he says with a tremble in his voice. “Presley was upset. I was checking on her.”
She rolls her eyes and her arms slither around his torso. “She looks fine now.” I hear his sigh as she continues to twist the knife. “Let’s head home.”
The bile churns inside my stomach, and I want to throw up. I hate this girl. “Give me a few more minutes out here,” Zach says, looking back at me as he pushes her arms off him. “I’ll be right in.”
Her arms fall. She’s clearly pissed. But a fragment of my fractured heart just became Zachary Hennington’s. One look, one choice, one moment of time was all it took to reaffirm all the reasons I loved him once upon a time. He dismissed her—for me.
“Zach,” I say as Felicia crosses her arms. “I’m fine.” It’s the furthest thing from the truth, but I don’t want to talk anymore. I don’t want the pity that comes with him knowing my secret.
Grace comes through the door, stumbling a little. “Good Lord! Where the hell have you been?” She clutches her chest.
“Sorry.” I plaster on a fake smile.
Felicia takes this distraction to attach herself to Zach, and he clear
ly looks uncomfortable.
“I thought you left when you weren’t out front, or I don’t know.”
I head toward her, hoping to calm her down. “Everything is good. We were all just coming inside.”
She loops my arm in hers, and we walk toward the door. I pause for a second, look back at Zach, and mouth the words, “Thank you.”
He nods, and I pray he’ll keep my secret. The last thing I need is for people to find out what really happened. There are enough rumors and people talking now. If they know . . . there’s no way I can contain it.
G RACE DOES HER BEST TO get my mind off things. We dance, but my head spins with how easy it was for me to tell him. And how good it felt to be in his arms. It scares me because it would be effortless to let myself go back there. He’s the boy who taught me to love. He’s the boy I saw myself growing old with, having children with, and yet he destroyed me.
“You having fun?” Grace asks slightly out of breath.
“Tons.” I smile at her. The truth is . . . I want to go crawl in bed and cry. As much as I hate that I told Zach, it hurts more that I said it at all.
“Liar.”
“Little bit.”
She rests her head on my shoulder. “We can go.”
“No, it’s fine. We can stay a bit longer. Besides, your man is heading this way.”
The guy who Grace has been eyeing all night asks her to dance. She’s so funny. I know she doesn’t really like him, but I also know what trying to move on from a Hennington is like. God help her.
I look over at the dance floor where Zach has Felicia in his embrace. I imagine myself as her. The way his body feels, the ridges of his chest, the strength of his arms, and how he can make you forget all your pain. When we were young, he was able to take my worries away. I never felt scared. I loved that so much about him. I think that was the worst part of losing him—the uncertainty. Watching Felicia share that with him is difficult. Does she know the person he is? Does she know how much better he is than her?
My eyes open to see him watching me. My breathing stops as we share something in this stare. All I feel is his regret, and all I give him back is my forgiveness. I turn away, hoping to break the connection, but it feels as if my heart is no longer in my chest.
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