“I was going to kiss you,” I confess. It’s true, and it’s the only part of my thoughts I’m willing to part with.
“Why did you stop?”
“Do you want me to kiss you?”
This girl. I can’t figure her out, which was never an issue. I used to be able to see into her mind no matter how hard she fought against it.
She looks away. “I don’t know . . . what are we doing?”
“Let’s call it dating.”
“Dating?”
“Yeah, that thing where the guy tries to get the girl to see how perfect he is—which you already know partially. This is like dating with knowing we already match.”
She shakes her head with a smile. “You know we’re different people now, Zach.”
“Yes. It’s why I stopped myself.” Even though I wanted to claim her again, I want to be the last man that has a part of her.
It’s barbaric, I can comprehend this. But the idea of anyone else’s hands on her body makes me want to beat the shit out of something.
Presley walks forward and places her hand on my cheek. I freeze, allowing her to set the pace. It takes every ounce of restraint I have not to pull her into my arms. Years I’ve waited for this. I haven’t been the same since she walked out of my life, or I guess, since I walked out of hers.
“Sometimes when I look at you, I’m a kid again. It’s like our first kiss or the first time I ever knew what it was like to be held by you. I was so sure that we’d always be together.” Presley’s eyes close, and I tug her toward me. Her head rests on my chest and my heart aches. I did this to her. “I don’t want it to feel this good, Zach.”
“What do you mean?”
Her head lifts and she stares into my eyes. “It scares me how easy it is to be with you. How it feels like the world is righted again. Like this was how it was supposed to be, yet that makes no sense. Considering how things fell apart, it shouldn’t be this . . . effortless.”
She’s right on a few things, but I don’t think this is effortless. This is painstakingly difficult. My head knows we’re not the same kids, but my heart doesn’t. It only knows that it’s beating again. “This isn’t easy, darlin’. This is hard as all hell. I’m conflicted too, but right now, holding you, is what I want. I’m not trying to jump ten steps ahead. I’m trying to live in the moment.”
I look in her big beautiful eyes and get lost. I can’t remember the last time I felt this calm. She’s the air I breathe, and I hope to God she doesn’t make me suffocate again.
“Okay. Live in the moment.”
I snort. “I don’t know if you’ve ever been able to not think ten steps ahead.”
She smiles and nods. “I know. But I’m going to try.”
She’s always had her plans. Her goals were mapped out since we were kids. It was annoying as hell, but she needed that stability. My brothers and I did everything we could to make her loosen up. And when she did . . . it was the most beautiful thing in the world. Presley without inhibitions was intoxicating.
Her hands hold my head to hers. I battle my wants and try to remember that she’s still figuring out what she’s feeling. I ball my fists behind her back so I don’t take control, and then I feel her breath on my lips. “In the moment,” she whispers before her mouth mashes against mine.
I hold her back, pressing her against me. Her lips move with mine, and it’s fucking surreal. She’s been the one thing that got away, but I’m holding her now. There’s no chance I’m going to let this end. I’ll give her anything she wants if it means I have a chance at redemption.
For years I’ve told myself I’m better off. I’ve lied to everyone, saying that Presley and I were too young and didn’t love each other enough. That was never the truth for me. I loved her too much. I loved her enough for the both of us, but I never showed her—even though I thought I did.
She shifts back.
“We’re going to make this work,” I state. There’s no room for discussion.
“I sure hope so, Cowboy.”
I lean back with a huge grin. She used to call me that when she was in the mood. “Cowboy, huh?”
“Well, that’s what you are now, isn’t it?”
I can see that she remembers. Her playful tone and smirk tells me all I need to know. There are some things that no matter how hard we try to forget—still live inside of our hearts.
“You’re going to test me?”
I watch her come to life before me. The first time I saw her she was sad, unable to really smile. Bit by bit, she’s becoming the girl I knew. It feels that way for me too. She’s made me feel things I didn’t realize I was missing from my life. Just being around her makes me feel whole again. It’s crazy how much this girl lives inside of me.
“I think everything in our life is a test. I’m not sure if we’ll pass, but I can’t pretend that I don’t feel things for you.”
“You two do realize we can hear you, right?” Wyatt laughs from the site. We must be closer than I thought.
Presley ducks her head into my chest. “Oh, God.”
“You can leave,” I reply.
“Nah!” he yells back.
I run my arms up and down her back. “Let’s go back before they act like idiots.”
“Too late,” she says.
“True.”
We head over and the guys, of course, say a few things because they’re incapable of being mature. Wyatt is the worst, but when he sees Presley is uncomfortable, he stops. I’ll never forget the day he told me he was in love with her. I wasn’t sure what the hell to do.
He’s my brother.
She’s my everything.
I had just lost her, and he came out to California. We were having a few beers, and he blurted it out. He told me how he would never do anything, but that he loved her, and I was a fucking moron.
He was right. I was stupid, but I’m not going to be that dumb ever again. Presley won’t be able to get rid of me so easily.
Presley
“I HAD A GOOD TIME.” I look at Zach, who’s standing on the bottom step.
I feel ridiculous, but I can’t stop grinning. Last night was everything. He was sweet and a complete gentleman. I didn’t think about the ridiculous amount of debt I’m trying to pay off or the fact that I’m thirty-five living at home with my parents. I was Presley. A woman who has been through hell, but is finding her legs again. I didn’t curl up and die along with Todd. There’s something to be said for that, and I deserve to be happy again.
“I’m glad I went.”
“Me too.” I smile.
“I’ll come by tomorrow to check on the boys’ horses.”
“Be sure to stop by the office.” I bite my bottom lip. I’m a damn schoolgirl all over again.
Zach climbs the steps slowly. “I will. You can bet on it.”
I take a step back, not because I don’t want to be close to him, but because of how much I do. The boys could be anywhere, and I want to keep this between Zach and me. If people realize we’re together, it’ll be the talk of the town. I’ve had enough of that to last me a lifetime.
He keeps advancing, and I retreat. “I’ll see you then.” I walk backward and keep going until I bump into the screen door. “Bye, Zach.”
The deep sound of his laugh fills my heart. “Bye, Presley.”
Once I’m on the other side of the screen, I wave again, and he winks. I close the door and press my back against it. This is going to be impossible. Feelings that were six feet under have come back to life. I remember how special he makes me feel. When you’re looked at like you’re the only person who matters—it’s exhilarating.
I take a few breaths in attempt to collect myself. Before I fully can, the boys are flying down the stairs. “Mom!”
“Hi, guys!” I say with a shaky voice. I glance back one last time, hoping to see him, but he’s gone. It scares me that I wish he weren’t.
“How was camping?”
“Did you see a bear?”
“Were there coyotes trying to eat you?” They rattle off their questions, and I shake my head.
“I missed you guys.”
“We had too much fun to miss you,” Cayden says with all the honesty in the world. Logan laughs.
“Thanks so much.” I grin.
Logan shrugs. “Uncle Cooper is fun, Mom.”
“He used to pull my hair and hide my dolls.” I try to sway them.
Cayden rolls his eyes. “So?”
“So, he’s a butt.”
“Whatever,” Logan dismisses me. “Is Zach coming over today to help train Flash and Superman?”
Of course they would ask this.
“No, Zach just went home.”
“Aww,” they whine.
“You can ask Papa to help you train Flash and Superman,” I suggest.
I still can’t get over the names they picked for their horses. I shouldn’t be shocked, considering last month Cooper found his old comics and let the boys read them. Since then, it’s all we hear about. The argument over whose horse is going to be faster is enough to make my ears bleed.
“Hi, sugar.” Mama saves the day.
“Hi, Mama.”
“Did you have a good ride?” she asks and hands each of the boys a cookie from her secret stash, which is the worst-kept secret ever.
“Thanks!” they both say in unison.
“Now, out of my kitchen,” she demands. “Shoo.”
“Come on, Logan. Let’s go see if Superman has used his laser beam eyes on your slow horse!” he taunts and Logan runs after him.
“My horse has kryptonite!”
I laugh and lean against the counter. “Well?” she asks again.
“Yeah, it was good.”
“You and Zachary were together all night?” she pries while trying to pretend she’s barely paying attention.
I could be honest with her. As much as she gossips, she would never betray me. Mama has been on the receiving end of it and never wants that for me. Plus, she knows it’s the fastest way to get me the hell out of here.
“We stayed in our respective camps. Wyatt and Cooper are going to need to knock it off.”
“They want you to be happy.”
I grab a cookie, and she glares at me. Why is it the boys can eat them, but I can’t? “I’m hungry.” I shrug and take a bite. “They can’t force this. Zach hurt me really bad, and I’m still dealing with all my shi-crap.” I catch myself. She has a wooden spoon and her aim is impeccable.
“He loves you. He’s always loved you.”
“I’m not counting my chickens. That’s all.”
She nods while stirring whatever is in the pot. “I see.” I wait for her opinion, but she doesn't say a word.
“That’s all?” I ask in disbelief. That’s never all.
“You’re a smart girl, Presley. I don’t need to tell you things you already know. Now, hand me that rolling pin.”
I place it in her hand, wondering what alternate universe I’ve stepped into. My mother has always made her feelings on the Hennington boys known. She begged me to date other guys, but no one even caught my eye. I believe there are people that you love so deeply they ruin you for anyone. Zach was that.
“Mama?”
“Hmm?” she asks nonchalantly.
“What did you think when I married Todd?”
She puts the crust on the pie, wipes her hand, and takes mine. “I thought you sure were broken.”
“Broken?”
“Yeah, sugar. You didn’t even give yourself any time. You jumped right into lovin’ that boy. You would tell me all the time that he was keeping you together. But you’d cry as soon as you’d mention Zach. I think you made yourself love Todd so that your heart wouldn’t hurt for Zach.” She pauses, allowing me to absorb what she said. “I’m not saying it wasn’t real. But for you to ask me that . . .” Mama tilts her head and busies herself.
I sit on the stool, watching her and thinking about what she said. The girl I was then was weak. I relied on Zach for everything. He was the reason I went to Maine and the reason I fell apart. Angie would tell me to “get over it” but I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to get over someone who was half of me.
Then there was Todd. He plugged the holes that Zach left.
“No, it wasn’t the same, but I loved him,” I finally say.
“I don’t doubt that.” She looks up. “I think you grew to love him. Which is why y’all worked. You didn’t have this perfect story twisted up in the center of a tornado. That funnel lifted, leaving you and Zach in its wake. But you and Todd were strong at the base. I wish the good Lord didn’t take him from you. So young.” She shakes her head. “Makes no sense why these things happen.”
I close my eyes and everything inside me tenses. She’s said this a few times, and each time she does, I cringe. It’s not God’s fault. It’s his. “God didn’t take him, Mama,” I say without thinking.
Her gaze lifts as she gives me a curious look. “What do you mean?”
I let out a long breath and decide it’s time to be honest with my mother. “There’s a lot more to this . . . to why we’re here.” How the hell do I say the words? I’m so ashamed and hurt.
She puts the bowl on the counter and comes around the island. “What is it?” Her fingers press under my chin, forcing me to look at her. Her kind eyes take me back to when I was a kid.
Tears fill my eyes to the brim, spilling over as I let the words come. “He took his own life. Todd got us in financial trouble, and he . . . he . . . he chose to leave. God didn’t do this. God didn’t take him. He took himself.”
My heart hammers against my chest as she takes me in her arms. My mother holds me close, and I cling to her. Sometimes a girl needs her mama’s embrace. This is one of those times. I fear the judgment, but it doesn’t come. She gives me all her love and support as I let it out. I feel her chest heave as she cries with me.
After some time, she kisses the top of my head and looks at me with bloodshot eyes. “The boys?”
“They don’t know,” I say immediately. “They can’t know. No one can.” I implore her with my eyes. She needs to keep my secret.
“Okay.” She nods. “Who else knows?”
“Only Angie and Todd’s parents.” I pause. “And Zach.”
The hurt flashes in her eyes, but she covers it quickly. “I see.”
“No.” I grab her hand. “It wasn’t like that, Mama. I was drinking, he was there, Felicia got me riled up, and Zach was calming me down. I was yelling at him, and it came out.”
She pats the side of my cheek. “I’m not mad, baby girl. I’m just sad for you. I wish you would’ve told me. Your daddy and I didn’t understand why you had no money with Todd being a big financial whatever up there.”
“Yeah, he financially screwed me.”
Mama sits as I spill the details. I let out every ugly piece of the truth, and it’s both freeing and exhausting. My tears ebb and flow, pain radiates from my chest, and yet, through the broken parts of me, I heal. Her understanding, warmth, and touch allow me a chance to grieve a little deeper. I don’t forgive him. Not for any of it. But maybe a part of me understands his desperation.
“I think you should come visit,” Angie tries to encourage me.
“I wish I could. I have to work. You know why.”
My mother offered to give us money, but I refused. It would be easier, but my need to rely on others is partially what got me into this mess. Had I been more involved with my own life, I would’ve known. But I went on believing everything was fine. As much as I wish the chain of events were different, I can’t undo them. And I need to take care of myself.
“I miss you tons.”
“I miss you more.”
“You should,” she jokes.
I ignore her comment. “Did you decide on the cupcake of the month?” I ask. I miss the store so much.
She laughs. “I did. It’s not a cupcake though.”
“Umm,” I say with confusion. “It’s a
cupcake of the month!”
“I picked a muffin!”
“A muffin? Who the hell wants a muffin at a cupcake place?”
I swear this girl and her half-brained ideas.
“We’ve sold more this week than we have in a long time.”
Huh. Well, okay then. I guess muffins are cupcakes without the frosting.
We talk about the two guys she’s dumped in the last two weeks. I’ve always needed to be with someone. Angie, though, enjoys her space and freedom. She’s the ultimate city girl. I don’t think she will ever leave her downtown apartment for the suburbs.
“The boys start school soon?”
“Yeah, three weeks.” I inwardly groan. This is going to be so hard for them. They don’t have a clue how different this environment will be.
“They’ll be fine. I talked to Cayden this week. He sounds really excited.”
I laugh. “He is. But I think it’s because he’s finally going to be out of the house.”
“He loves that horse too,” she says with a hint of disappointment.
“He really does.”
She can be pissed that Zach gave it to him, I don’t care.
“About that—” There is a beat of silence before she continues, “Shit. I have to go. We’ll talk soon, okay?”
I thank the heavens that we can avoid this topic a little longer. “Love you.”
“Love you more.”
We disconnect, and I flop back on the bed ready to pass out. This is going to be a fight. This is going to drive a deeper wedge between us. She’ll never accept this, and I have to come to peace with possibly losing my sister.
“Did you even love me?” Todd asks with anger seeping from every pore. “Was I ever the one you wanted?”
I’m so tired of this same conversation. Of course I loved him. He was my husband. I just want him to stop doing this to me.
“How could you even ask me that?” I yell back in my own hostility. “You did this! You chose this! You! Not me!” I want him to see that this isn’t my fault. But he keeps berating me every night.
He steps closer. “I loved you when he didn’t. I was there. Now you’re going back to him like he didn’t throw you away?”
How dare he question me? “You’ve got some nerve! You think I should sit around crying over you? What about my heart? What about all the pain you’ve inflicted? You sling around your accusations as if I put this into motion.”
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