“I won’t wait up for you,” Eddie said. “Goodnight, Devon.”
“Goodnight.” Devon turned back to Gwen. “Seriously, I can take her up so that you can get some sleep.”
“We’re fine right where we are. Call it Grandmother’s privilege. Have a seat, Devon.”
Devon flopped into a reclining chair.
“How are you doing?” Gwen asked.
“Great,” Devon replied.
Gwen raised a doubtful brow.
“I’m a little worried about Carrie, I guess,” Devon admitted.
“Why is that?”
“She’s exhausted. Honestly, I don’t know how she stays standing. DJ is up every few hours. CJ seems to want to be on top of Carrie, and she’s worried about telling CJ that Tom is moving.”
“I know she is. Things happen for a reason, Devon.”
“Yeah.”
“You don’t have to tell me anything, but I’m a pretty good listener.”
“I’m pissed at Tom.”
Gwen nodded.
“Don’t get me wrong; I’m happy that CJ will be with us. It doesn’t feel right when she’s away for long.”
“I don’t think it feels right for her either,” Gwen said. She stroked CJ’s hair.
“I know. Carrie feels guilty. You know her.”
“Yes, I do.”
“I think that’s the reason she’s not starting up a new business.”
“I’m sure her concern for CJ is part of it.”
“I don’t think CJ will resent Carrie,” Devon offered. “I worry she might harbor some anger toward her father, though. I love Tom, but I think it hurts CJ more than she lets on—him being away all the time. As much as she loves us, I think that’s the real reason she doesn’t want to leave. She’s afraid we’ll bail too, no matter what we say.”
“I’m sure that’s true.”
Devon watched as Gwen snuggled CJ close. “Sometimes, I can’t believe she’s not ours. I just... I think some part of Carrie is afraid Tom will change his mind one day and CJ will be ripped away from us.”
“She is.”
“Did she tell you that?”
“She doesn’t have to,” Gwen answered. “And, neither do you.”
“I’m not sure what to do,” Devon confessed. “I trust Tom, but…”
“Carrie told me she demanded that the arrangement be legal.”
“Yeah, but the thing about legal arrangements is that they can always be altered.”
Gwen nodded. “Do you really think Tom would do that?”
“No, but I didn’t think he’d take a job in Boston and ask us to have CJ either. When Dar died, I thought he was going to step up all the way.”
Gwen heard the slight edge in Devon’s voice.
Devon saw her mother-in-law’s unspoken question. “I’m not angry about having CJ,” she explained. “I guess it just pisses me off that people bring children into the world without thinking it through.”
“Sometimes they do.”
Devon’s eyes fell to CJ and softened. “She deserves better.”
“She deserves to be loved,” Gwen said. “And she is.”
“Yeah, but…”
“There’s no but, Devon.”
“I wish that were true.”
“It is true,” Gwen replied. “CJ’s life might not be what anyone expected. I’m sure that you’re right; she does feel some insecurity. Some of that is because there is a new baby who needs more attention right now. That’s normal. You and Carrie have guided her through Darlene’s death. From what I can tell, she’s happy here with you both. Someday, she might have questions. She might even feel some resentment about Darlene and Tom’s choices. You and Carrie are her parents, Devon. She made that choice. You’ve all embraced that. Stop second-guessing it.”
“It’s not that we have second thoughts about CJ.”
“I know that, and you know that. CJ can sense what you feel, Devon. She doesn’t understand all the facts. She only knows what she feels. If she senses insecurity in you or resentment, she’ll naturally think that has to do with her.”
“God, no—never.”
Gwen smiled. “You have to let it go, Devon—you and Carrie. Make it clear what you expect from Tom. And, don’t second-guess any of it. Be firm and confident in your decision. Let yourselves love CJ the way you do and stop feeling guilty about it. You aren’t taking anything away from her by loving her. You will be if you keep immersing yourself in some crazy notion that you have something to apologize for. You don’t. Darlene had a rough road. I understand that. She had choices to make. Tom’s been through hell. I understand that too. You’re right about Tom. I feel the same way. I thought he would step up to the plate, not away from it. Those choices have not been yours or Carrie’s. Those choices are part of the reason CJ wants this to be her family. It’s only part of the reason. The biggest reason is that she loves you both.”
“Carrie is everything to her.”
“Mm. I think you underestimate yourself in the equation.”
Devon was curious.
“That new baby is attached to you the way CJ has always been attached to Carrie.”
Devon beamed. DJ did tend to cling to her.
“Love just is,” Gwen said as she looked down at CJ fondly. “CJ was my granddaughter the moment she came into this world, just like she bonded with Carrie immediately. Who knows why we end up where we do? I don’t. Out of all the billions of people there are in this world, why do we wind up loving the people we do? How is it that they love us back?” Gwen pulled CJ a little closer. “Maybe we’re not meant to understand it all. Just accept it, Devon. That’s all you can do in the end. You can’t predict tomorrow. You love these kids and they adore you and Carrie. There’s no why. And, as much as I wish I could tell you there is a way to understand it all, none of us can crawl inside someone else’s head or heart. You don’t know what Tom feels. You have to accept that what people tell you is the truth as much as you can. That’s it.”
Devon considered Gwen’s advice. She often wished that Carrie’s parents lived closer. “Carrie and me,” Devon paused for a moment. She met Gwen’s curious gaze. “We were lucky,” she continued. “I think we’re both realizing how lucky we are to have the parents we have.”
Gwen smiled. “One day, your daughters will be telling you the same thing.”
“I hope so.”
CHAPTER SIX
Devon strolled into CJ’s bedroom and hovered in the doorway. “Whatya doing?”
CJ looked up from her Lego project. “Look, Dev! It’s a starship!”
Devon knelt down and studied CJ’s creation. ‘That’s awesome.”
CJ beamed with pride.
“So, are you too busy to spend the day with me?” Devon asked.
CJ’s surprise was evident.
“I was hoping you might want to go to the park with me and for pizza.” Devon was nearly knocked off her feet when CJ launched straight into her arms. “Is that a yes?”
“Me and you?” CJ asked.
“Yep. Me and you. On the way home, we’ll pick up Dakota, and she can spend the night.”
CJ’s grin melted Devon’s heart.
“Mommy!” CJ took off running. “Me and Dev’s going to the park!”
Devon heard Carrie’s voice in the distance. “Is that right?” Carrie asked.
“Yep. Just me and Dev.”
Carrie caught Devon’s gaze as Devon entered the hallway. “I hear you have plans today.”
“Yeah. Is that okay?” Devon asked as if she were a child seeking her parent’s permission.
Carrie pretended to consider the request seriously. “I don’t know…”
“Please, Mommy?” CJ pleaded.
Carrie’s eyes sparkled when they met CJ’s. CJ was delighted. “The park, huh?”
CJ nodded. “And pizza!”
“Oh, and pizza,” Carrie repeated. “I would never have guessed.”
“Can we?” CJ asked.
“As long as you promise you’ll eat some green stuff at dinner,” Carrie bargained.
CJ nodded her agreement dramatically.
“And, make sure Dev is careful going down that big slide,” Carrie cautioned playfully.
“What? I landed wrong once!” Devon said.
Carrie sniggered. She was thrilled that Devon planned to spend the day with CJ. She also hated missing it. Devon was a big kid at times. As much as Devon pretended it was a chore to take CJ down the large built-in, stone slide, spin with her on the playground roundabout, or swing beside CJ; Carrie knew Devon loved every minute of it. Probably a good thing there are four years between the girls. She raised a brow at Devon.
“Once,” Devon said again. “I fell once.”
Carrie laughed. “Hard.”
Devon groaned, and Carrie laughed harder. CJ had coaxed Devon to go down the slide first so that CJ could watch. Devon’s weight made her descent much faster than she’d expected. She’d flown off the end of the slide several feet and plummeted on her backside. Carrie thought the bruise might never fade.
“Just take it slow,” Carrie whispered. She placed a kiss on Devon’s cheek. “And, you make sure Dev behaves,” Carrie told CJ.
“I will!” CJ ran off toward her bedroom.
“Where are you going? Carrie asked.
“Get my sneakers!”
“Thank you,” Carrie said.
Devon shrugged.
“Again with the shrugging.” Carrie kissed Devon gently. “Don’t tire yourself out,” she cautioned.
“Why? Are you afraid I can’t keep up with our five-year-old?”
“No. I just want to be sure you can stay awake past the time my parents and the kids go to bed.”
Devon swallowed the lump in her throat. Carrie’s intention was clear. “Carrie, I don’t expect…”
Carrie leaned in and nipped gently behind Devon’s ear. “I want to be close to you later.”
“Maybe I can nap before dinner.”
Carrie burst out laughing. “You are too much sometimes.”
“Ready!” CJ stepped back into the hallway.
“Better get a move on,” Carrie whispered in Devon’s ear.
CJ hugged Carrie’s waist and ran down the stairs.
“How are we going to keep up when they’re both walking and talking?” Devon wondered aloud.
“I have no idea,” Carrie confessed. “Have fun.”
“We will.”
I know you will.
***
Carrie was surprised when she heard the doorbell. “Tom?”
“I know; I’m a day early.”
Carrie nodded. “Come in.”
“How are you?”
Carrie wasn’t certain how she should reply. She was happier than she’d ever been in her life. At the same time, she was battling constant worry. The best she had to offer her friend was a strained smile. He’d yet to meet DJ. He’d spoken to CJ each day, but the conversations had been short-lived. She guessed he was wrestling with guilt.
“I thought we should talk in person before we sit down with CJ,” he said.
“Let’s go out to the deck,” Carrie suggested.
“Is Devon here?”
“No. She took CJ out for the day.”
“Would it be better if…”
Carrie stopped walking and faced her friend. “No. I think we need to talk—you and me.”
Tom nodded.
“DJ should be asleep for another hour or so.”
“How is she doing?”
Carrie smiled genuinely. “She’s wonderful. Vocal sometimes.” She giggled. “But good-natured overall. What can I get you? Coffee? Water?”
“Is whiskey an option?”
Carrie took a deep breath. She squeezed Tom’s hand. “Maybe after we talk.”
“Maybe.”
***
CJ sat in the sand trying to sculpt something with her hands.
“What are you making?” Devon asked.
“Our house.”
“I thought you’d be making another X-wing fighter or something.”
CJ shook her head. “Dev?”
“Yeah, monkey?”
“Can I stay?”
“Stay? At the park?”
CJ shook her head.
“Stay where, CJ?”
“With you.”
“What do you mean?”
“At our house,” CJ explained.
Devon drew circles in the sand with a stick. It wasn’t her place to delve into the future with CJ, not without Carrie and Tom’s input and presence. How was she supposed to avoid that now?
“Sweetie, you know that our house is your house.”
CJ’s crestfallen expression made Devon’s stomach twist into knots.
“CJ?”
“I don’t wanna leave.”
Devon tossed her stick into the sand. She picked up CJ and carried her to a nearby bench. “Let’s you and me sit down and talk.”
CJ refused to look at Devon.
“CJ?”
“She gets to keep you.”
“Who gets to keep me?”
“DJ.”
Devon pulled CJ into her lap. “CJ, you get to keep everyone.”
“Not you.”
“Why would you think that, monkey?”
“Cause.”
“Because?”
CJ shrugged.
“CJ, I love you.”
“But you is DJ’s.”
“What do you mean, I am DJ’s?”
“Mommy.”
Devon pulled CJ close. “Oh, CJ. I love you every bit as much as I love your sister.”
CJ began to cry.
“CJ,” Devon tried to soothe the toddler. “Don’t cry, monkey. Please don’t cry. Don’t you know how much I love you?”
“I gots to leave.”
“You mean to see your daddy?”
CJ nodded against Devon.
“Daddy loves you, CJ. He likes to spend time with you.”
“He can come to our house.”
Devon nearly laughed at the forcefulness in CJ’s voice. “Well, he can. You like to stay at Dakota’s and Grandma’s sometimes.”
CJ wiggled uncomfortably.
Devon began to understand CJ’s five-year-old reasoning. It amazed her how perceptive children were. CJ understood the unique family she had more than the adults in her life often realized, and CJ was struggling to find her place in it all. Grandma was Devon’s mother. Grammy was Carrie’s mother. Dakota was Devon’s niece. CJ understood who everyone was—what their relationships were. Being with Devon’s family made CJ feel secure. DJ was Devon’s daughter. Everyone referred to Devon as the baby’s mother. CJ called Devon by her name. It was different. Sometimes, words did matter. Making CJ feel secure would remain a battle for years to come. Devon knew that. In the day to day living, it was easy to set aside the loss that had touched CJ’s life. As CJ continued to cry in Devon’s arms, Devon combed through her thoughts and her memories. She’d told Carrie that she’d be content with a family that consisted of only the three of them—CJ, Carrie, and Devon. The truth in that declaration flowed through her as she held CJ close. Devon was grateful and completely enamored with her infant daughter. She could never love any child more than she did Carrie Jane.
“CJ.” Devon rocked CJ gently. “You are my daughter, sweetheart—every bit as much as DJ. Mommy and I… We love you so much, monkey. No matter where you sleep or how long you sleep there, we will always miss you and be waiting for you to come home. It doesn’t matter if it’s for one night or one whole week.”
CJ sniffled and clung to Devon. “I want you,” she whispered.
Devon was confused. “I’m right here.”
“To be mine.”
Devon closed her eyes. “Oh, CJ; you are, sweetie. I promise; you are.”
“I can call you that?”
Devon placed CJ next to her. She wiped CJ’s tears away and smiled. “CJ, you can call me anything
you want to. I always thought you wanted to call me Dev. Well, or maybe a hash slinger.”
CJ giggled. “I can?” She asked Devon again. “Like DJ?”
Devon smiled.
“My momma too?”
Devon pulled CJ close again as tears escaped her eyes freely. “I would love that.”
CJ hung onto Devon tightly.
“I love you, monkey.”
“I’m not a monkey. I’m a Jedi, Momma.”
“You certainly have some special powers,” Devon agreed. She kissed CJ on the head and steadied her emotions. “What do you say we visit the slide before we head to get pizza?”
CJ hopped off Devon’s lap and held out her hand.
Devon took a deep breath and took the small hand in hers. I don’t think it gets any better than this.
***
Carrie was ready to give in to Tom’s request for whiskey. Whiskey sounded like the perfect remedy for her nervousness. Her emotions had traversed a wide landscape the last week. Elation, frustration, worry, amusement, guilt—Carrie had experienced it all. She’d yet to confide in anyone the many thoughts and realizations that had passed through her mind and her heart since DJ’s birth. She couldn’t explain all of it. She was about to delve into much of it with Tom. Whether she would find relief on the other side of this conversation or more stress, Carrie wasn’t sure. She took a deep breath. “So? You didn’t show up on my doorstep for no reason. What’s on your mind?”
“I know… Well, I gather you aren’t happy with my request,” Tom said.
Carrie remained silent.
“I know you don’t understand. I’m not sure I can explain it myself. I know it seems selfish…”
“It is selfish.”
Tom’s eyes closed in resignation.
“It isn’t about me,” Carrie continued. “It’s never been about me, Tom. It’s about CJ. It always has been.” She shook her head. “You’re right; I don’t understand. The minute CJ walks out the door, whether it’s to spend time with you or for a sleep-over at Dakota’s I miss her. I let her go because I know that she needs to go. And, she does, Tommy.”
“She hates being at my house.”
“No, she doesn’t. She’s scared. She’s afraid that too long away from Devon and me will make us forget her—walk away. She knows that won’t happen. She does know that. She’s five; she can’t articulate how she feels as clearly as we can.”
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