Liv

by Kelsie Rae

  I smile softly, remembering how close they used to be. When looking at Adam’s old photo albums throughout the years, I couldn’t help but notice Luke being in the majority of pictures with him. They really were like brothers.

  It breaks my heart that I became a wedge between them after high school, that I tore apart their relationship without even knowing it.

  I continue to scan the journal, and can almost hear Adam’s smooth voice telling me each and every story. I feel closer to him now than I have in a long time. Struggling to swallow past the giant lump in my throat, I accept the truth.

  I miss him. So much.

  I turn the page to see one of the bookmarked pages that Susan has folded over.

  April 12- I love her. I know we’ve been saying it for years now, but it’s true. I love her more than anything. We just got back from prom, and she took my breath away. How gay is that? I was the luckiest guy in the room, and everyone knew it except her. She doesn’t see how special she is, and I’m pretty freaking grateful for that, ‘cuz if she did, I don’t think she’d look my way ever again.

  A tear silently slides down my cheek as I re-read this journal entry more times than I can count.

  Adam, you stupid man. You have no idea how much I loved you.

  I flip to the next page.

  April 15- Luke can’t keep his eyes off her and it makes me want to beat the ever-loving shit out of him. He’s always staring at her, but it’s been getting worse lately. I hate feeling jealous of my best friend. I’m the one that got the girl, not him, so why do I feel jealous of their relationship? It’s not fair, and it’s beginning to eat me up inside.

  They have an assignment together, and I know Liv doesn’t feel the same way, but I can’t handle them spending so much time together. It’s like watching a train wreck. I want to look away, but I can’t stop staring, waiting to see where the pieces fall.

  April 20- Mom threatened to take away my inheritance if I keep dating Liv. I don’t know what her problem is, but it’s getting ridiculous. I love Liv, but I was planning on using that money for school. I don’t know what to do. Maybe she’s better off without me anyway….

  I shake my head, the tears falling freely now.

  May 15- This is my last entry. Our assignment is due tomorrow so I won’t need to write in this journal anymore. It’s probably for the best; it was a pretty pointless assignment. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do about Liv. I love her, but am I enough for her?

  I let out a shaky breath, afraid to read the final page.

  June 2-I lied. Apparently, journal writing is a hard habit to quit cold turkey. My assignment is over, I got an A by the way, but I can’t help but write one more time. Maybe by confessing my sins on to these pages it will help relieve the guilt that’s eating me alive.

  I made a mistake. A big freaking mistake. The worst mistake I could ever possibly make, and I’ve done some really dumb shit. I’m so torn up inside, I don’t know what to do. If I could take it back I would, in a heartbeat. It meant nothing.

  Luke knows. He promised he wouldn’t say anything, but I said some dumb shit and wouldn’t blame him if he changed his mind. I’m just waiting for him to throw our friendship under the bus and sweep in on his white horse, saving the day and promising to love her forever. I should let him. It’s what I deserve. It’s what she deserves.

  I’ve been physically ill for the past week. Literally. And she’s noticed. She’s been perfect, taking care of me, watching movies, bringing me soup. It only makes me want to puke more.

  I can’t tell her. I can’t lose her. My mistake only confirmed my true feelings. How’s that for irony? I would die without her. Is it selfish to keep her even though I know I don’t deserve her?

  Of course, it is.

  I should just hand her over to Luke in a gift basket. I know I should, but I’m a selfish prick who can’t let her go. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to her, she just can’t know. She can never find out. I want to apologize, beg her forgiveness, but I know I’ll never deserve it. Go figure. I was so worried about her loyalty that I stabbed her in the back for it.

  I love you, Liv.

  I sit up quickly, stumbling into the bathroom and vomiting into the toilet.

  The sobs begin to pour out of me, taking my breath away. As the tears stream down my cheeks, I replay everything I read just a few short minutes ago.

  The guilt was eating him alive. He regretted it more than anything else in the world. It solidified his feelings for me, as weird as that sounds. He loved me, he just made the worst mistake a boy can make.

  And he was a boy when it happened. He didn’t know how to handle all the pressure he was receiving from everyone around him.

  If I had found out in high school, would I have forgiven him?

  Probably not.

  But I can’t help but relive every tender memory he and I shared throughout our marriage, my heart aching at having possibly missed those precious moments if he’d have told me.

  Can I forgive him for his mistake?

  I’m not sure, but I think I need to try.

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Liv

  I wake up to a sharp pain in my abdomen. It’s not completely out of the ordinary, but peeing my pants afterwards is.

  Wait.

  I look down, confused.

  Rolling out of bed, and needing to clean myself up, I head to the bathroom when another contraction hits, just as strong as the last one. I lean against the doorjamb, waiting for it to pass. I breathe deeply in through the nose, out through the mouth.

  After thirty seconds or so, I make it to the bathroom, more pee gushing. My brows furrow as I inspect my pajama bottoms.

  “Holy shit, did your water break?” Bree yells from the doorway.

  I’m sitting on the toilet with the door open, my pajama bottoms soaked. Not my best moment.

  “Where the hell did you come from?” I screech, my eyes popping out of my head.

  “I was on the couch watching Netflix when I heard you coming down the hall. I then see a giant puddle on the carpet. I had assumed you were potty trained, until BAM!” She slaps her hands together loudly. “I figured out your freaking water just broke! You’re paying to clean my carpet by the way,” she adds, jokingly, her hands on her hips.

  Before I can think of a snarky reply, another contraction hits. I remain on the toilet, attempting to breathe through the pain as Bree realizes it’s not the time for teasing and runs out of the room, yelling over her shoulder, “I gotta call Luke! He’s gonna kill me if he misses this!”

  He’s already missing this, I think to myself, instantly feeling guilty at my stubbornness, especially after reading Adam’s journal.

  I look around the room in a daze, wondering if I’m dreaming or not.

  This can’t be happening. I chant the words in my head over and over, unable to believe that I’m having a baby, and that I was stupid enough to think I could do it without Luke.

  But am I too prideful to admit that to him?

  Maybe.

  Bree rushes into the bathroom like a chicken with its head cut off, just as I fling my soiled pajamas into the bathtub and shove the nearest hand towel between my legs, soaking up a bit more water.

  Fan-damn-tastic.

  Her face turns pale as she takes in my odd position. First, I’m kind of naked from the waist down. We’re close and all, but not that close. Second, I’m hunched over, attempting to breathe through another contraction while sitting on the toilet. I’m sure I’ll find this moment hysterical once the pain goes away, but as of right now, I’m kind of freaking out.

  “Okay. Okay. Okay. What do I do now? I’ve never been a midwife before, obviously. Although I have seen plenty of Grey’s Anatomy, but I’m not sure the show applies in this situation. Wait, I’m not going to have to deliver the baby, right? I mean, we have plenty of time to get to the hospital. Plus, Luke will kill me if he misses the little guy’s birth,” she mumbles to
herself, bouncing up and down, not knowing what to do with her nervous energy.

  My contraction eases up, and I slowly sit up from my hunched position.

  “You’re not going to have to deliver the baby,” I chuckle. “But, maybe some clothes would be nice? Dark sweats? And a few towels for the car?” I politely request.

  Labor’s not too bad when you’re not in the middle of a contraction. Piece of cake.

  “Yup. You got it, Livvy Lou,” Bree states anxiously, giving me the thumbs up sign as she exits the bathroom.

  I patiently wait for her, refusing to get the carpet any dirtier until I have some new pants on.

  She places a pair of Luke’s old sweatpants on the counter, along with an extra long maxi-pad and some old lady underwear. I raise my eyebrows in her direction, silently asking where she got all this stuff. She just shrugs and says, “Luke sent a care package a couple weeks ago. Who knew it would come in handy?”

  A small smile graces my lips before quickly being replaced with a grimace as I breathe through another contraction.

  Holy crap, that hurts.

  We slip on my change of clothes, Bree grabs my hospital bag, and we slowly make our way to the car.

  I’m having a freaking baby.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Liv

  The ride to the hospital is rather uneventful, other than the contractions every two minutes.

  Very exciting stuff.

  The nurse checks us in, hooks me up to an IV, and assesses my progress. Apparently, I’m 5 centimeters dilated and should have the baby within the next few hours.

  As I lay in my hospital bed, I try to ignore the overwhelming anxiety sitting in the pit of my stomach. Unfortunately, I’m too prideful to admit why.

  “Do you want me to give you an update on my dear brother and his approximate whereabouts?” Breezy asks innocently. She’s sitting in one of the chairs by my bed, her feet propped up as she flips through a parenting magazine. Apparently, the reading selection is scarce.

  I glare in her direction, chewing my lower lip before finally deciding to swallow my pride.

  “Maybe,” I answer grudgingly, feeling another contraction coming.

  After witnessing the contractions for the past couple of hours, Bree’s anxiety has disappeared. Instead, she patiently waits for my contraction to pass before continuing. It kind of makes me want to punch her in the face.

  She grins wickedly before closing the magazine and leaning her elbows on the hospital bed.

  “He should be here within three hours. My parents are picking him up from the airport and driving him straight here. Can you keep your legs crossed for that long?”

  I take a deep breath, grateful the pain has eased, and nod my head slightly. Three more hours. I can make it three more hours.

  “What if he doesn’t make it?” I whisper, voicing my greatest fear.

  Why the hell did I push him away?

  “He’s going to make it, Liv.” Bree squeezes my hand, reassuringly.

  I increase the pressure, crushing Bree’s fingers with my own as another contraction hits. Thankfully, my anesthesiologist should be here any minute to give me an epidural.

  These women who have babies naturally are crazy. Brave. But crazy.

  Bring on the drugs!

  We continue to painfully pass the time for another thirty minutes before the doctor officially arrives and gives me the epidural.

  I’d like to say I was able to get some rest afterwards, but nurses continue to make the rounds every thirty minutes or so, checking my progress and taking my vital signs.

  I’m about ready to pass out from exhaustion when Bree steps out of the room without an explanation, quietly closing the door behind her.

  She’s definitely stepped up to the plate the last few weeks, and I’m extremely grateful she’s here with me. I don’t know what I’d do without her.

  Who knew that having a baby would bring two people closer together? Ha.

  A nurse comes into my room while Bree is away and checks me again.

  “Looks like the baby’s ready!” Nurse Cindy says, excitedly. She’s an older, cheerful woman with short, white-blonde hair, and she kind of reminds me of Mrs. Claus. She even has the sparkly eyes and rosy cheeks.

  I’d find her enthusiasm endearing if it weren’t for my overwhelming anxiety eating a hole through my stomach.

  Where the hell is Bree?

  And where the hell is Luke? Three hours, my ass! I mean, butt!

  I know, I know. I’m singing a different tune now that I’m in labor. Independence is not all it’s cracked up to be. Apparently, I’m not big and tough like I thought I was.

  “I’ll go get Dr. Jolly, and we’ll start pushing.” She smiles kindly and heads out the door, exiting quietly.

  I think I’m going to hyperventilate. Not because of the pain, modern medicine is the best thing ever, but because Bree disappeared right when I need her, and I haven’t heard from Luke, either.

  I may have left my phone at Bree’s house, but it’s not like he doesn’t have her number! He could’ve asked her to pass along a message or something! Anything!

  My breathing turns shallow as I take short little breaths in and out, forgetting everything I’ve learned in my Lamaze classes.

  What do they know anyway?

  Feeling light-headed, I try to remind myself that I can’t push if I pass out. I start to sit up, trying to focus on taking deep, slow breaths.

  There’s a quiet knock on the door and it slowly swings open. I hold my breath, praying for a miracle that Luke made it, when Dr. Jolly’s head comes into view.

  Dammit. I mean dang it!

  “Hey, Liv! Ready to have this baby?” she asks, a wide smile etched into her cheeks.

  I nod hesitantly while cursing Bree in my head.

  Nurse Cindy joins immediately after, buzzing around the room like a busy little bee, preparing everything for Little Man to make his debut into the world.

  I can’t keep my eyes off the door, anxiously waiting for Bree to come back so I don’t have to go through this alone.

  Dr. Jolly gets into position. “Alright, Liv. We’re going to wait for the next contraction, and then you’re going to push nice and long, okay?”

  I still haven’t said a word, my eyes bouncing between Nurse Cindy, Dr. Jolly, and the entrance to my room.

  My palms are sweaty as I grip my legs, feeling the pressure build.

  I squeeze my eyes shut and push my heart out; Nurse Cindy counts to ten slowly, but when she reaches “five”, the door swings open, banging against the wall. My eyes dart over to find a very disheveled Luke in a rumpled white t-shirt that hugs his delicious chest, a black North Face jacket, and well-worn jeans.

  He anxiously scans the room before spotting me on the hospital bed. As soon as he confirms he’s in the right spot, he rushes over to my side, gripping my hand tightly, and brushing his lips across my forehead.

  “I know you might be mad at me, and I know you wanted to do this alone, but I just can’t let you. Please don’t make me miss this little guy’s birth,” he pleads, his eyes shining with sincerity, his hand resting on my contracting stomach.

  I must be in shock because I can’t seem to find my voice. Instead, I catch myself staring at Luke’s scruffy cheeks, wondering if he’s really here, or if I need to pinch myself.

  Dr. Jolly assesses the situation, not having met Luke before. She stares at me pointedly, her eyebrows raised, while silently asking if I’m okay with him being in the room or if she needs to get security. I nod slightly, a small smile gracing my lips, finally feeling at peace. Like I might be able to have this baby now.

  Dr. Jolly pauses for a moment before grinning cheerfully, “Alrighty, then. Let’s try this again.”

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Liv

  Twenty minutes later, I’m holding a precious baby boy in my arms. He was 7 pounds and 11 ounces, with dark peach fuzz covering his head and his daddy’s pouty lips.

&
nbsp; Luke insists he has my gray eyes.

  I’m both physically and mentally exhausted, but I’ve never been happier or more at peace in my entire life.

  Bree had apparently left to help get Luke past security, and had assumed I’d want to be alone with her brother. She wasn’t wrong.

  We haven’t had much time to talk yet, although there’s a lot that still needs to be said. For now, however, I’m just enjoying the comfortable silence encompassing the quiet room. Who knows how long it will last with all the nurses coming in to check on everything.

  Luke somehow managed to squeeze his large frame into the tiny hospital bed with me and the baby, and is gazing affectionately at my Little Man while softly rubbing his fingers through my sweaty hair.

  I swallow thickly, overwhelmed by the gratitude I’m feeling for my baby, Luke, and Adam for giving me this one final gift before he left. Without him, I wouldn’t have anything.

  A tear silently slides down my cheek before Luke gently tilts my head toward him.

  “Hey, Sweetheart,” he whispers, his husky voice causing goosebumps to break across my skin.

  “Hi,” I whisper shyly.

  He chuckles under his breath before placing a soft kiss on my forehead.

  “Why so shy now, Liv?”

  I shrug my shoulders. “I dunno? I’m embarrassed, I guess. I’m so sorry I left. I just needed some time to wrap my head around everything, but I’m afraid I ruined things with you. Please tell me I haven’t.”

  He shakes his head slowly, his gaze penetrating my own. “Sweetheart, I’m afraid you can’t get rid of me, no matter how hard you try. The only reason I left was to give you space. Bree convinced me it was what was best for you, and I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I almost missed this little guy’s birth. I would’ve never forgiven myself.” He runs his finger along my baby’s cheek softly, before turning his bright green eyes toward me.

  “And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Adam. I know I should’ve, and I know you think it was me choosing him over you, but it wasn’t. I was an idiot and didn’t know what to do. I didn’t handle the situation well, but please don’t let my mistake all those years ago affect our future together,” he pleads.