Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2

by John Michael Scalzi

  Sources: Associated Press, BBC

  No Straight Edge Required

  Inquiring minds wanted to know: when the Hampshire, England county council authorized county staff to repaint lines in the road East Boldre in the New Forest, why did they make the lines so uneven? It seems that while one of the lines was straight, the other, usually about fifteen feet apart from the first, dipped towards the other lines by a couple of feet in more than one place. The result was very uneven lines on the road. Was this necessary? Did it mean something? Was someone drunk?

  “Oh, those uneven lines,” said the members of the county council. Well, you see, that wavy line is there for safety reasons. Yes, you see, because nothing signals safety like lines making it appear as if the road narrows. Well, needless to say, most people weren’t quite following the logic for that particular explanation.

  So finally the county council cracked and admitted their lie and their mistake. The lines were uneven because someone couldn’t read the plans. Council leader Ken Thorber owned up to it to the local press, “What we really wanted was simple straight parallel lines, one down each side of the road 480 cm [that’s about 15 feet] apart. Unfortunately there was a problem with the drawings which were badly folded and creases made some of the measurements look like 430 cm [14 feet] and 420 cm [13 feet] instead. The painter followed the instruction which resulted in a straight line down one side of the road and a wavy one down the other.”

  Good thing the plans weren’t crumpled. The lines might have lead directly into trees.

  Source: Ananova

  Are You There, Vishwakarma? It’s Me, Yadav

  It’s probably not easy being the railways minister for the country of India. The rail system in the world’s second most populous country has more than 60,000 miles of rail, much of which is old, unreliable, and in nasty state of disrepair. With 300 accidents a year in the system, nearly every day brings news of troubles small and large, and every now and again you get a real whopper, like a train hitting a boulder and derailing in 2004, an accident that killed 20 and injured 100. What a boulder was doing on the tracks is a question for another day.

  And perhaps this is why in July 2004, India’s railway minister announced that he was no longer responsible for the safety of India’s rails. And he named a new executive to take charge of this thorny problem, one who, presumably, would have the resources to handle the needs of India’s 13 million daily train-going passengers: Vishwakarma, the Hindu god of machines and draftsman for the entire universe. “Indian Railways are the responsibility of Lord Vishwakarma,” said Laloo Prasad Yadav, in passing the rupee. “So is the safety of passengers. It is his duty, not mine.”

  Well, okay, but how does one let Vishwakarma know about the various day-to-day infrastructure needs of the nation’s rail lines? Well, see, this is where Minister Yadav apparently springs into action, by talking to a picture of Vishwakarma he has placed on the wall. “I keep telling Him whatever accident or incident takes place on the tracks is His responsibility,” Yadav said.

  So how did the locals react to Yadav’s ideas about personal responsibility? Not very well. Columnist Varghese K. George agreed that the rail system was a national nightmare, but described Yadav’s rationalism as “an ingenuous excuse.” Times of India journalist Manisha Prakash bemoaned the fact that “Gone are the days when railway ministers used to resign, owning responsibility for train mishaps.”

  So what to do the next time you find yourself on a train in India? Well, obviously, pray. Think of it as speaking directly to the CEO.

  Source: The Times of India, The Indian Express, The Telegraph (UK)

  Downgrading from the Sixth Circle of Hell to the Fifth

  Something that’s always puzzled us is why do people try to scam money from the poor? It’s not like they have a whole lot to begin with. And also, it’s just plain mean. You’re a criminal and you scam a rich person out of $100, and that’s just drinks and a cab ride home. Scam a poor person out of $100, and you make them choose between electricity and macaroni and cheese for a month. Really, that’s a mark against your soul. We’re not afraid to say it.

  Also, on a more practical level, scamming the poor while working among people who are paid to help the poor is not a smart idea and certainly not an ethical one. It tripped up “Marcie,” an office clerk who worked at Florida’s Department of Children & Families. Marcie’s coworkers suspected something was fishy when people who were in need of the department’s services would come in and ask to speak to Marcie, whose job description did not include working directly with department clients.

  One internal investigation later, the department discovered that Marcie had worked out a neat little scam in which she charged people hundreds of dollars for department services, mostly relating to government-assisted housing, that they were actually eligible for free of charge. Among her victims: a disabled woman, a single mother of three, and a little old lady whose husband had terminal cancer. Marcie scammed an extra C-note out of the little old lady by promising to help get more medical treatment for her husband. All together now: Boooo, Marcie! Boooo!

  Marcie was arrested on six counts of unlawful compensation for official behavior and one count of organized fraud and held on $125,000 bail. She’s looking at 95 years in the clink. So ironically, it looks like at least one person will get government-assisted housing through her efforts.

  Source: Associated Press, Sun-Sentinel (Fort Lauderdale, FL)

  Can’t Blame Them For Taking It

  Georgia’s low-income tax credits are designed to give the state’s poorest a little bit of a leg up. It’s not much—$26 per family member at most—but if you’re not making much money, $26 is nothing to sneeze at. Who is eligible for the low-income tax credits? Households with income of less than $20,000 dollars a year. Just like the ones headed up by prisoners.

  Yes, prisoners. In 2003 alone, about 200 incarcerated guests of the state of Georgia have found a way to get a little scratch from their jailers, by claiming a low-income tax credit. After all, they are making less than $20,000 a year—if you’re doing time in a Peach State big house, in fact, chances are you’re making nothing at all. And while most people would not consider an 8-by-10-foot cell with an exposed, seatless toilet a household, for the State of Georgia, home is where you lay your hat. Or hide your shiv. Sadly, you can’t claim your bunkmate as a dependent.

  Georgia legislators are working to close the loophole that allows prisoners to claim the credit, noting that one of the reasons they can claim the credit at all is because they’ve become wards of the state. Even so, state revenue officials estimate that over the last five years more than $20,000 in credits has gone to incarcerated filers. We wonder how many of them were in for tax fraud.

  Source: Atlanta Constitution-Journal

  Britain, Austria, Luvania?

  Quick: Can you name the ten countries that were added to the European Union in May 2004? If you’re a citizen of the United States, a likely answer to this question is “The European Whos-whats-nitz, now?” And that’s an entirely just answer: Europe is an entire ocean away, after all, and the people there frequently don’t even have the courtesy to speak American (the nerve!). You can’t reasonably be expected to tell your Slovakias from your Slovenias, and if you can, well, most Europeans would be pleasantly surprised, sort of like they would be by a brown bear that could tie its own shoes.

  So if Americans are off the hook, what about the Britons? The UK is in the EU, after all, even if it’s not so keen on the euro replacing the pound sterling. Surely the average Brit knows the names of the new EU members??

  Well, now, not exactly. Just as American’s have a hard time telling apart all those countries in Eastern Europe, so apparently do the Brits. Telecommunication provider One.Tel polled 2,500 Brits right around the time the new member states joined the EU and asked them to name the new members from a short list of European countries. Among the Estonias and Latvias and Lithuanias, One.Tel slipped in a ringer: “Luvania,�
� a country that could share a border with Freedonia and possibly Brigadoon.

  Despite the absolute fictionality of Luvania, no less than 8 percent of poll respondents identified it as one of the new members of the EU. Moving out of Eastern Europe and heading west, another 15 percent managed to identify Austria as a real country (regrettable past episodes of Anschluss notwithstanding) and a member of the EU, which is good, but also believed it was one of the new inductees. This would no doubt come as a surprise to the homeland of Mozart, which had been laboring under the impression it has been an EU member since 1995.

  Say what you will about these folks, at least they hazarded a guess, which is more than 40 percent of poll respondents managed to accomplish; they had no idea which countries were being added to the EU and apparently couldn’t be bothered to care. Which seems darn uncharitable, from this side of the Atlantic. What if people from California didn’t know about Rhode Island? Or Pennsylvania? Or the great state of New Jefferson? It’d be madness! Madness!

  Source: One.Tel

  The Annals of Ill-Advised Television

  today’s Episode: Pink Lady . . . And Jeff

  Starring in this Episode: Pink Lady (singers Keiko Masuda and Mitsuyo Nemoto) and Jeff Altman

  Debut Episode: March 1, 1980, on NBC

  The Pitch: It was the Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour for the ’80s. The show was the brainchild of NBC head Fred Silverman, who as it happened had been head of programming at CBS when Sonny and Cher did their popular show. Pink Lady was a massive success in their homeland of Japan (the kids loved them!) and Silverman was absolutely sure they would be the next big thing here in the States. One minor problem: neither member of Pink Lady spoke a word of English. Enter comedian Jeff Altman, as their “guide” to all things American.

  It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Because: You got us. Two of your three stars can’t speak a word of English? What could possibly go wrong? On a bright note, each episode ended with everyone in a hot tub.

  In Reality: First mistake—cute as the members of Pink Lady were, there’s only so far you can go with “Japanese vixens who don’t speak a word of English being led around by a comedian” shtick. Second mistake—the show was scheduled opposite The Dukes of Hazzard, a show popular with boys in full flower of pubescence, so a key demographic was already otherwise engaged. Third mistake—the variety show format had already been brutally murdered in the late ’70s. TV audiences were no longer willing to accept show that feature both Red Buttons and Alice Cooper in the same zip code, much less the same stage.

  How Long Did It Last? Five episodes; a sixth was filmed but never aired (it is, however, available on DVD). It’s a testament to how forgettable the series was that most people today know of it not from its original run but from a Saturday Night Live satire of it called “Pink Lady and Carl,” in which pop scientist Carl Sagan is substituted for Jeff. That one SNL sketch was funnier than the entire run of the Pink Lady series.

  Were Those Responsible Punished? Were they ever. NBC honcho Fred Silverman got the boot (Pink Lady . . . and Jeff was just one of many horrifying NBC flops that year), while Jeff Altman’s career was sucked into a whirling vortex of obscurity from which it has yet to emerge (he is, however, available for your next special event—really, that’s what it says on his Web site). Pink Lady returned to Japan and broke up in 1981; both tried their hand at acting in Japan but reformed in 1997 and in 2003 to release singles and tour Japan.

  CHAPTER 7

  Hi-tech Half-wits

  People sure have a love-hate relationship with technology: when we score something sweet on eBay, we love it. When the computer swallows half of our book manuscript and we have to make up a barely-plausible lie to our editor about what happened to the half of the book we owe her, well, then, quite obviously, we hate it (please don’t tell our editor about the lie about the manuscript. It’s just between us).

  Just because something is hi-tech and gee-whiz, doesn’t mean that it can’t be used stupidly—which brings us to this chapter, in which technology is used in ways that would shame those that thought it up.

  And Yet, Almost Nothing of Any Value Ever Gets Said That Way

  We’ve long passed the point where the Guinness World Records have simply become utterly ridiculous; when there is an actual world record for Farthest Spaghetti Nasal Ejection (7.5 inches, held by one Kevin Cole of Carlsbad, New Mexico, whose mother, we’re sure, must be prouder than spit), it may be time to pack it in.

  Nevertheless, a new and particularly useless world record caught our eye recently: the world record for SMS messaging—that’s sending a message using the keypad of a cellular phone for those of you who are still living in the age where all phones did was transmit voices. Today’s kids spend a lot of time bumping into things because they’re trying to send text messages and walk at the same time.

  In June 2004, Singapore (where four out of five people have a cell phone, and that fifth person is talked about disparagingly) hosted 125 competitors who limbered up their fingers to tap out the following 160-character message in the shortest amount of time:

  “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.” (We knew that.)

  When the smoke cleared, the winner was 23-year-old Kimberly Yeo, who hammered out the message in just 43.24 seconds. That was a full 23 seconds faster than the previous record holder, Briton James Trusler. However, Yeo’s time was only .2 seconds faster than the runner-up, 18-year-old Ashley Tan, proving that if SMS messaging ever becomes an Olympic sport Singapore will have the Dream Team.

  What is this skill actually good for? Aside from passing along information about the dietary habits of certain piranha species, not a whole lot. And of course, the fact that you can say the above factoid into your cell phone several times faster than you can type it seems to have escaped everyone’s attention entirely. Nevertheless, previous record holder James Trusler is already gearing up to reclaim his title, stating: “I’m very positive that I can break this record.” Live that dream, James! At least it’s better than blowing pasta out your nose.

  Source: The Straits Times (Singapore)

  GPS Also Stands For “Generally Pretty Stupid”

  Cars these days are so packed with nifty technical gadgets that it’s a rare individual who can keep himself from fiddling around with them to try to see how they all work. But some people, especially George Sam Youssef of Australia, might be better off not touching the tech.

  One day, Youssef decided to buy a replica pistol in Brisbane, and then use it to carjack a very nice, very expensive BMW. And why stop there? Youssef’s next stop was a bank, which he robbed to the tune of $10,000 Australian.

  Then he dumped the car and took a bus headed out of town—but not before fiddling with the BMW’s Global Positioning system, into which he had entered his father’s address, making it a lot easier to track him down. It also didn’t help that Youssef’s fingerprints were all over the car.

  At his trial, the defense tried to gain leniency through the innovative strategy of admitting Youssef’s utter lack of criminal skills; “He would have to be one of the most inept armed robbers to come before a court,” said defense barrister Mal Harrison, after his client pled guilty to deprivation of liberty, entering a vehicle and unlawful use of a vehicle with aggravation (that’d be the carjacking), as well as robbery with aggravation (for that bank episode).

  A bold maneuver! Which didn’t work, as Youssef was then sentenced to six years in the pen. They won’t need a GPS to find him now.

  Source: news.com.au, abc.net.au

  The Ultimate in Poor Service

  We’ve all heard stories of shifty waiters and waitresses taking down credit card numbers from customers and then using them to buy toys, houses, and ponies. But generally there should be a short interval between the theft of a card number and the accrual of aberrant charges—say, at least a couple of hours. Don’t thiev
es know it’s good manners to let your stomach settle before hitting you with the charges?

  Someone tell that to “Sheng” and “Han,” two waiters from Shanghai. They were waiting on a customer in the restaurant where they worked when Mr. Customer handed over a credit card to pay for lunch. Shortly thereafter, the two of them told Mr. Customer that there was a problem with the receipt, and it would take a couple minutes for them to resolve it. And then shortly after that, Mr. Customer got a call on his cell phone; it was his credit card company, and they wanted to know if he in fact just now purchased $3,000 worth of cell phones. Well, no, he hadn’t; he’d just bought lunch. But he could guess who it was trying to buy the phones. Sheng and Han were picked up and charged with theft not long after that.

  What we want to know is, did Mr. Customer then have to pay for his lunch? And did he leave a tip? We’re guessing no on both counts.

  Source: CBS News

  Wireless Yet Stupid

  As any geek will tell you, the hot trend in home computer geekery is wireless networks: with just a couple of wireless cards and about a day and a half of screaming technological hairpulling before you give up and pay your nephew a case of Mountain Dew to set everything up, you can compute effortlessly anywhere in your house, without wires. Truly, never have so many done so much in order to play online poker in so many nooks and crannies of the house.