by Sarah Hoss
“Okay?”
Tenlee took a deep breath and let it out. “I’ll try. It’s all I can promise.”
“Then, I’ll take it.”
They stood there for a few moments looking into each other’s eyes. An ever growing need to kiss her enveloped him. He lowered his head just an inch or two and waited, looking at her, hoping she would agree. When he saw Tenlee lick her lips, desire filled him, and when she ever so softly nodded her head yes, that need ran over the edges of his self-control. He lowered his head and feathered his lips gently over hers, but when their lips touched and he felt the connection between them grow, he knew he was lost forever.
Guilt rippled through him like waves on water. Stepping back, his gaze met hers, and he quickly looked away. He knew he wasn’t staying and had no right to lead her astray. Images and memories were coming back to him. Though he didn’t quite understand it all yet, he knew he was here for a purpose, and then he would be leaving. A sudden urge to fall to his knees and confess everything overcame him, yet he knew he couldn’t. There were facts he was in no position to reveal, and she was in no condition to hear. It was against the rules. He couldn’t allow her to capture his heart. He wouldn’t hurt her.
Chapter Ten
The living room came into focus as Tenlee blinked her eyes, trying to wake up. She quickly became aware of her surroundings and didn’t move.
Her head was on Sam’s chest. Both of them were snuggled together on the couch. Last night had been an emotional ride for her, and he had quietly ridden along.
She smiled, grateful that he’d been there for her. After she’d shed her tears and they’d exchanged kisses, they returned to the couch to talk more. She must have fallen asleep in his arms, and not wanting to wake her, he’d fallen asleep there, also.
She listened to his heartbeat and silently counted along. Her hair danced with each of his breaths. To lie like this forever would be wonderful, and she dared not move for fear of breaking the moment. It was hers alone, and she would cherish it.
Closing her eyes, she relaxed.
Unfortunately, Nannook had other plans. A cold, wet nose brushed Tenlee’s hand. She tried to push her away, but the dog came back, licking her. Grinning, Tenlee quietly shooed the dog, hoping not to wake Sam.
“I think she needs to go outside.” His voice seemed deeper laced with sleep.
“I know. I’m sorry we woke you.”
His hand came up to her shoulder, and he stroked down her arm. Tenlee snuggled in closer.
When Sam yawned, Tenlee’s head rose and fell with the deep breath. “It’s okay. If I had to go that bad, I wouldn’t want someone to make me wait.”
Tenlee laughed as she sat up. “Come on dog. Let’s go.”
As they reached the back door and were out of earshot of Sam, Tenlee patted Nannook as she squatted down “What do you think? Do you like him?”
Nannook sat down and barked once.
“Me too.” Rubbing her head, Tenlee opened the door and let Nannook out.
“You too, what?”
Tenlee, spun around, hand on her heart. “Good gracious! You scared me half to death.” Please Lord, don’t let him have heard me.
Sam winced. “Sorry.” He walked over to the fridge and pulled out eggs and bacon. “I thought I would cook you breakfast.”
“Really? What a treat.”
Tenlee sat in the kitchen chair and watched as he cracked eggs and set bacon into the frying pan. He seemed comfortable, and she liked that.
As the sound of bacon sizzled in the pan, Tenlee lost herself in her thoughts. Thoughts of everything that happened last night. The scene replayed itself in her mind. Every word uttered, every touch offered, every tear shed. Each one, a small step to her awakening—a new understanding of her life and the past year.
She glanced down, watching her finger draw a tiny circle on the tablecloth. His words from last night echoed in her mind. I won’t let you go on any longer carrying this burden that isn’t yours. Tonight, here and now, it lies in a jail cell with its rightful owner.
He was right.
Hard words to swallow, she thought to herself as she turned to sneak a peek at him. Sam stood at the stove, spatula in one hand and a fork in the other. He used both to grab the bacon, letting it dangle for a moment to let the grease drip off before he laid it on a paper towel. The smell of bacon filled the kitchen, and her stomach growled.
She closed her eyes as a thought took hold in her mind. And as much as she wanted to grab it by its weedy root and yank it away, Tenlee knew what she had to do.
She sat a little straighter in her chair as Sam brought two plates to the table. She leaned over slightly and relished the smell of the bacon and eggs.
“Thank you.” She took her cup of coffee from him and added sugar while he took his seat across from her.
“You were lost in thought there for a while. You never answered my question”
She furrowed her brow, thinking as she tried to recall the question. “I’m sorry,” she said and took a bite of her eggs.
Sam held his fork in midair, waiting for her to continue. Tenlee noticed and swallowed. “What was the question?”
“It doesn’t matter now. Are you all right?”
Hearing Nannook bark, Tenlee rose from her chair and let her dog in. Sitting back down, she placed her elbow on the table, resting her chin in the palm of her hand. She finally answered, “I will be.”
She smiled at Sam and reached out to grab his hand. “Thanks to you, I know what I have to do now.”
****
Three days until Christmas and the waiting room was full. Tenlee twirled her mother’s ring around her finger over and over. She couldn’t help studying the people sitting around her, wondering what their stories would be if she had the nerve to ask. Everyone sat looking weary as they waited their turn to visit their loved ones.
A buzzer sounded. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound the metal door made when it slid open.
Give me the strength to do this please. She prayed.
The guard walked over to her. “Are you Tenlee Hawkins?”
Tenlee nodded.
“Come with me.”
Rising stiffly, Tenlee followed the prison guard through the metal door. They waited for one door to close and for the next to open. Metal hit metal, making a loud bang. Each time, it caused her to jump. Looking straight ahead, she let out a tentative breath as she walked down the hall. When the guard took out his keys to unlock another door, she swallowed. She stepped in and off to the side while the guard closed the door behind her.
He sat at the table in the middle of the bare, cold room.
She looked at the man she came to see, and then noticed another guard standing in the corner. Taking her seat, she cleared her throat.
“Hi.”
She would recognize him anywhere. His face had been branded in her memory a year ago. Two months earlier, she would never have imagined she’d be sitting across from Jim Mahoney.
He shifted in his seat. “I was surprised when I heard you wanted to speak to me.”
“Well, I was surprised when I called to set up the meeting.”
Tenlee wiped away pretend dust and then rested her hands on the table. Not sure how she should start, she coughed, buying time to think about what to say.
The silence stretched.
“I’ve spent the last year blaming myself for all that went wrong that day. Thinking of what I could have done to change the outcome and save my mother’s life. Recently, it took a total stranger to make me see what friends and family couldn’t. Needless to say, it’s been a hard year.”
Tenlee shrugged. She was glad that he sat still, letting her speak. “I guess you know about that.”
She noticed a twitch near his left eye. He was nervous, and she knew about that too. It never dawned on her that he might be upset at seeing her. She had been totally selfish in setting up this meeting. He owed her and that was all she’d thought about. She never on
ce thought about what he’d gone through.
“I hated you for a long time, and on the drive over here, I thought of twenty different things I would say to you, none of them very lady like. But the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to hear what you had to say about the day you killed my mother.”
Jim clasped his hands in front of him on the table. Tenlee wanted to know what was going through his mind. He’d had a year to think about that day, too. Probably never imagined that anyone from her family would want to talk to him, yet here she sat. Could he see the pain written on her face? Could he hear the anger in her voice and see her nerves by the way her hands twisted over and over in front of him?
He took a deep breath and let it out while Tenlee braced herself for his words.
“I lost my job at the beginning of December. My wife had lost hers in May, so money was already tight. I didn’t know what I was going to do.”
He stared down at his hands, unable to meet her penetrating gaze. “Food was becoming scarce, there were no presents for our two kids, and the heat had just been turned off three days before Christmas.”
He shifted in his chair again while Tenlee turned her attention down to her lap. Reliving that day would be one of the hardest things he would ever have to do, and she silently acknowledged it.
“Christmas morning came and….” Jim swallowed, trying to fight back tears that begged to be let loose. “…when the kids came out and saw there were no presents under the tree... I don’t know. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Seeing the disappointment on their faces was the last straw.”
He looked pleadingly at Tenlee. “I felt like a complete failure as a man.” Jim slammed his fist on the table making Tenlee jump. The prison guard took a step closer and Jim apologized. “Sorry.”
“I had to get out of the house. I grabbed the last of the whiskey as quickly as I grabbed the car keys and left. When I finished the bottle, I threw it in the back seat. It hit something and I turned to look. That’s when I went through the light and hit...her car.”
While he spoke, Tenlee reached into her pocket and pulled out tissues. Jim took the one she offered. He must not have realized that while he spoke, the tears had fallen. He didn’t seem ashamed about crying, either. Tenlee realized his life was beyond the point of trying to be manly or stoic about the mess he’d made. He had the rest of his life to feel the pain he’d caused his family and hers.
“If I could change what happened I would. I’d take your pain and welcome it. I deserve it,” he said. Looking deep into her eyes, she knew he spoke from his heart. “I am truly sorry for any pain that I’ve caused your family. I was not an alcoholic. I was only a man trying to bury his failures in a random moment of selfishness and a tall bottle oblivion.”
He ran his hands through his hair. “I hope you won’t go through life thinking you are at fault. I am.” He tapped his chest. “It’s my burden to carry. Mine alone.”
His eyes pleaded with her to understand.
She tried.
****
An hour after walking into that room, Tenlee rose from her chair, and was ready to head home. The guard opened the door, and she took a step before pausing. Turning around, she smiled weakly.
“I forgive you.”
Walking out the door, she heard Jim begin to sob and knew then that they both would find peace one day.
Chapter Eleven
Christmas morning, the day she dreaded, was here. Her heart no longer felt the pain caused by the events that transpired a year ago. Though, those feelings would never leave her, a new understanding left her more at ease. Instead of dwelling over the death of her mother and those tragic events, she chose to spend the rest of her life remembering the life her mother lead and enjoying the memories of her.
Since Sam woke at eight A.M. on the dot every morning, Tenlee set her alarm to go off at two hours earlier. She wanted some time to herself on this special morning.
She knelt down by the tree. Placing her present to Sam under the boughs, she spotted another package to her left. Leaning over, she pulled it to her and read the tag.
To Tenlee with love! From Sam.
She smiled and her heart glowed seeing the gift. Gently tearing at the wrapping paper, she opened the box, pulled out the Christmas ornament, and stared at the angel. It was kneeling and praying.
He couldn’t have picked a more perfect gift and tears welled up in her eyes. Tenlee sat his angel next to hers, turned on the tree’s lights, and stood up.
The house was quiet. Walking over to the window seat, she grabbed a blanket, the cordless phone, and sat down. She leaned her head against the cool glass of the window and stared out. She could do this.
It was still dark outside but the moon shone bright, making the Earth sparkle in brilliance. A bunny hopped past, creating tiny tracks. Tenlee smiled at the simplicity of the scene and felt revived. It had been so long since she’d felt anything other than pain and anger.
Her throat grew thick and she swallowed. Her vision blurred, but she didn’t blink the tears away this time. She let them fall. They were no longer tears of sorrow but tears of joy. On her mother’s favorite day, she chose to cherish memories of her instead of wallowing in the pain.
The phone rang a few times before she heard her father’s familiar voice.
“Good morning, Peaches.”
She smiled at hearing the nickname her father gave her at birth. Peaches were his favorite thing in the world and so was she. “Hey Daddy, Merry Christmas.”
“You sound different, is everything okay?”
Tenlee hesitated. Would he be angry about her trip to the prison—that she’d gone to visit the man who had killed her mother?
“I, umm, feel really good actually. Listen, there is something I want to tell you, if you will hear me out?”
“Now, you know you don’t have to ask. What is it?”
She heard the apprehension fill her father’s voice. She regretted the pain she’d caused him over the past year. He’d had enough with his own grieving, let alone trying to deal with pulling her together.
“First, I want to apologize. I know how hard everything has been on you, and I haven’t made it any easier. You’ve been very patient with me, and I love you for it.”
“Well, it’s been hard on us all. Besides, you loved her, and I understand that.”
“Not just her, Daddy.”
“I love you, too,” her father said, his voice thick with emotion.
“The second thing I wanted to tell you is that…” Tenlee paused. “I went to the prison and saw him. I needed to hear what he had to say, and you know what? He seemed sincere in his remorse. I felt a little better when I left.”
A small laugh came over the phone. “Well, you have done something that I’ve wanted to do for some time now. I just couldn’t strike up the nerve. I’m proud of you, Peaches.”
Relief filled her. “Thanks, Daddy. Hey, listen, let me get off of the phone and get things ready. I’ll tell you all about it when I get there. Christmas is still at your house right?”
“Yes, it is. Are you bringing Sam? I like him.”
Tenlee laughed. “Yes I am. And, so do I.”
“All right, I’ll see you in a little bit then. Your brothers will be here too.”
“Okay, love you.”
“Love you too.”
Tenlee hit the off button on the phone and turned to look out the window again. She was glad she called and told her dad about seeing Jim. It wasn’t something she wanted to hide from him.
Tenlee closed her eyes allowing the memories of her mother to filter to the forefront of her mind. The images were those of the day she’d been promoted to flight nurse.
At the reception, her mother had walked over and grabbed her hand, pulling her out into the hallway.
“I want to give you something.” He mother’s hand came out from behind her back. A small package lay nestled in her palm.
“Mom, what is this?” Tenlee took the package f
rom her mother. She turned it over a few times, examining it before unwrapping the gift.
“Oh Mother, it’s beautiful!” Tenlee took the ring out of the box and examined the lovely sapphire.
After slipping it on her finger, her gaze met her mother’s. “It belonged to my grandmother, being passed down from mother to daughter on a milestone day in their lives.”
A smile grew on her face as her mother gently clasped Tenlee’s chin in her hand.
“This is your milestone, baby. You’ve achieved your dream, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of you.” Her mother blinked once and wiped away a tear. “I love you very much.”
Tenlee hugged her mother, pouring all of her love into the embrace.
“I love you too, Mom,” Tenlee whispered as she opened her eyes and glanced out the window. The sun was just rising and the rays shone down. She recalled her mother’s saying, “When you see the rays coming down, that means God is talking to someone.”
Tenlee snuggled under the blanket and smiled. Maybe she wasn’t alone with her memories.
****
Sam stood alone in the woods. As his eyes poured over a forest he’d seen many times in the past month, he remembered the first time he’d seen it. He opened his arms wide and prayed for the strength to walk away from the one thing his heart had ever truly wanted. He prayed Tenlee would forgive him for leaving and not saying good-bye. A knot formed in his stomach as her face danced through his mind.
He closed his eyes and listened to an unfamiliar song. The gentle melody of flutes brought a peace over him. Opening his eyes, Sam knelt to one knee.
As the fog cleared, Tenlee’s mother stepped out of a brilliant golden light, looking as if she stood directly in the sun’s path. Her hair and robe billowed all around, catching on a breeze. Surprised, his heart caught in his throat as he realized how much Tenlee resembled the angel before him.
Margaret placed her hands over her heart. “I wanted to thank you personally for helping my daughter.” Her voice sounded like birds singing—earthly and happy.
Sam bowed his head, silently wondering why she was the one to come for him.
Margaret smiled, driving her gaze into Sam. “You love her, don’t you?”