BOMAW 12-14

by Mercedes Keyes

  "Yes, I have to... I have no choice."

  "That doesn't make any sense! What reason in the world would you have for going back to him after this, give me one good reason! Just one!"

  "I'm - pregnant Ben, I'm pregnant, I gonna be having a baby, his baby."

  Ben leapt back as if fire had shot out at him.

  He stood at the door, looking at her as if, for once, he really didn't know her. "How could you - let me - do that - with you pregnant, what if - what if I'd hurt you, hurt - the - the baby... Crystal what's happening to you?"

  "I'm going - insane - because I hate - my life - and I love - you - but I'm stuck - with him!" She sobbed.

  Ben stood lost, once more right back where he started from - and wondered, could he accept another child of his? If it meant, having her? But then, if she wouldn't leave him before, she sure wouldn't leave him now, even if he did, say to hell with it, I want you still. And he did, even after that, he wanted her still. But she would put him through hell again, absolute hell, he just knew it. There was no way she would leave Victor now, but he had to ask her, "So if I were willing to stay, as things are, what then?"

  Her tortured eyes pleaded with him to understand, "We could ... I'd be willing to - come to you." She turned red with what she was saying.

  "No, sorry - no way in hell. An affair? Where I have to wait, hope, watch the clock, worry if you're gonna come? Worry about him finding out? What would your mother think of that? Think I would disrespect her that way? You that way? That's not who you are! And I'm not gonna be the one that makes you that way - no no no - and even if all the rest were doable, Shawn would kill me! My father, would spit on me, were I to do that to you. No, this is where I draw the line. I'm not crossing it, no way."

  Crystal sat relieved and hurt all at the same time.

  He was right, such an arrangement would send her nuts.

  Sitting there, staring at him, she realized she had to stop this. Her lot in life was cast in stone, and there was no way out of it. She was going to have to give him up, and this whole idea of keeping him for her, it couldn't be done, shouldn't be done. She had made her choice, and for the last time, she needed to start accepting it, she needed to let Ben go.

  She stood from the bed, started gathering her things. "I better go, it's getting late."

  "I'm gonna follow you back."

  "No, that's not necessary, I'm not a little girl Ben, I need to stop acting like one, and - you and dad, Shawn... need to stop treating me like one. My life is my life, and whether I've done it to myself or not, I need - to stop, running from it, and face it head on. But God is my witness, I don't care if you believe me or not, I do so - love you - more than..." She couldn't finish, she was choking up and ran from the room into the bathroom.

  Ben sat on the side of the bed, looking at the floor.

  A few moments later, she came out, stopped in the doorway of the bedroom, gazed at him - he didn't look up, or couldn't look up.

  Saying nothing more, she rushed to the door, put her shoes on and out, hurrying to be away from him.

  Yet, as she drove home, back to Wisconsin, back to the life she made for herself, he called her every 20 minutes, asking if she were okay. She kept it simple, answering, "Yeah, I'm okay." All the way home, that had been her answer with each call.

  Two days later, she heard, that Ben had moved to L.A. He was there, helping Mama Jojo, get ready to move to Wisconsin with Shawn and family.

  She pulled herself together, but unfortunately, weeks after Ben left, the morning sickness started up again, it started up, it stuck. A month went by, before she finally got the test, it was positive.

  She sighed, she'd known it all along - letting him go had been the right thing to do.

  She had plenty to keep her busy, school was back in. Because she had morning sickness so bad, even using the remedies Vivian shared with her, didn't quite help her through it, but she'd be okay. She and Victor started making plans for the new arrival - settling in sort of speak, an almost, happy medium - almost, even so, they both hoped this time, it was a girl, she wanted a little girl.

  Besides, life wasn't really so bad, once you accepted what must be.

  There was a new family arrival they all crowded around and spoiled - Mama Jojo, was finally there.

  Chapter 306

  Spitting out another stream of the salty water, feeling the coolness that surrounded him, the sound of waves lapping at his shoulders, shaking his head, he cleared a bit from his ears. Benjamin tread water to give his limbs a rest, taking several deep breaths to get ready to start again. He'd known that being a lifeguard at a Wisconsin Dells water park would be nothing compared to trying to be one at a California beach, how right he had been, was the surprise. He'd always been a strong swimmer - but now he would have to work at upping his game. The surf, the waves and getting hit by walls of water that weighed tons showed one what he was made of - swimming there moved things up to an entirely new level. Basically, he'd tried out for a lifeguard and was told that he wasn't strong enough, to come back if he improved - otherwise, they couldn't risk it. He needed to teach himself how to cut through the water much as a dolphin could - his body needed to be a finger tip to toe fluid flow of muscle that would not let him down - his breathing and the ability to master holding his breath was the second most important discipline.

  Being a lifeguard there in California was something he desired, but he didn't have to depend on it - thank goodness, he had his photography to fall back on at PenTab. Yet, the feeling of rejection was something he could not live with, one rejection in his lifetime was enough, it was a matter of principle that he get that job as a lifeguard. For that reason, he now worked out in his father's gym to get stronger, doing leg presses, butterfly presses, squats and rowing to strengthen his torso, arms and legs. On top of that, he did laps in the ocean, avoiding the swimming pool, he needed resistance and struggle to build himself up. He knew that doing such a thing alone was a gamble, but he figured if he had no one else to rely on, only himself, he would fight that much harder to survive whatever wave might hit him. He was not completely out out his mind - he did have a lifeguard buoy with a strong cord tied around his torso - just in case. He had to sink or swim, figuratively speaking and he had no intention of sinking - each day, he went a bit further than the day before, building his rhythm, strokes, endurance, breathing. He came out before the sun set, and ran along the beach as if in a marathon - muscular and breathing endurance was what he strove for.

  It was PenTab during the day. Working out and swimming in the evenings with the setting of the sun. In order to build himself up, he also had to eat more protein, couldn't build muscle without working out, and the muscle would not grow and expand without dense protein and lots of it, so he began eating to match the workouts he put himself through. Mama Jojo had been feeding him, now he had to feed himself, or look forward to a meal from Deidre and Jeremiah. They did their utmost to see about him, so much so that Deidre had given him her white Mercedes that she didn't drive anymore. Thanks to her generosity, it was his to use for as long as he was in California. Once or twice a week, he visited their place always enjoying the meals she had sat out for him. As for his time alone, once all else had been done for the day and he could wind down, his mind automatically led him to Crystal and the boys - it truly had a will of it's own - and of course, the child she carried. In reflecting back, he'd finally gotten a taste of the sweetest of all pleasures, believing for that moment in time, that they were on their way to a new beginning together, only to hear the words..."I'm pregnant Ben..."

  The thing is, even now, knowing that she is pregnant with Victor's baby wasn't enough to turn him off, after all, Isaac and Darren were his sons, and he loved them. If a man truly claimed to love a woman, did it matter under their special circumstances if she was pregnant once more? He didn't care what her decision had been, Victor was not the man for her, he, Benjamin Caesar McPherson was and all of the family knew it, including her own mother. They, he an
d Crystal were the better match and so it appeared he was going to have to step completely aside for her to fully realize that. He'd even talked it over with Mama Jojo, after all, when he arrived she had been eager and happy to see him. She had that something that made you want to purge your soul with her as if she could see all, understand all, fix all - even if she couldn't. She had a way of listening to you so that you knew she was taking in every word. Concluding all there was to tell, she had stated with full confidence, "If this man Victor ain't the man for her, all the trying in the world ain't gone make it so. Way thangs is nowadays, a bad mendin' don't stick, somethin' gone come along and tear it apart again, show'ha she need to move on."

  "How long could that take?"

  "Don't know, how long you plannin' on waitin'?"

  That was the question, how long? He didn't know how long, he didn't know anything. All that he could be sure of is that he'd needed the rest and separation from everything happening there. All he was certain of is that he could not bear seeing her with him, Victor. Maybe given enough time, all that he felt would naturally fade, if that were the case, then so be it. At the present, it was no where near fading, and at times, he felt himself a fool for not letting go. He could let go, if it were not for that nagging possibility that it wasn't going to work between them, Crystal and Victor. If that nag were to become true, he knew that he would be right back there to remind her that it was the two of them that actually should be, and that was one of the reasons it didn't work between her and Victor.

  Mama Jojo and Shawn left a couple of weeks ago and he then finally received his first email from her since he'd been in California. He'd stared at it for an entire day before finally finding the nerve to open and read it. After all, since being in California, it had been a daily as well nightly fight not to email her, not to be the first to break the silence between them. After the way he'd treated her the last time they were together, he didn't think it would be her, she had her pride as well. She'd told him that she loved him, more than once and to a certain extent, she'd proved it, she'd gone to bed with him. She'd let him make love to her. And still, she remained in a nasty tug-a-war with her conscience, with the curse of her father's words - only for her love for him to override it for just that evening. She'd cast all aside out of fear of him leaving, and let him have her to keep him there - had even been willing to go against her very soul and makeup - to carry on an affair with him, if that is, he'd been willing. He hadn't been, he would not, could not share her - it was all or nothing.

  Finally, with the TV playing in the back ground, him fresh out of the shower and needing to head to bed, his resistance collapsed and he opened the email from her to read...

  'Hello Ben,

  It's me, well - you know that. I just had to contact you, I know that I shouldn't, but - how can I not? The family is concerned about you, are you all right? I know Mama Jojo and Shawn just left, even so, doesn't mean that you're okay at this moment, does it? We worry, I worry. You still mad at me? Disappointed in me? It's always on my mind, that you are - the thought of you not liking me anymore, or - loving me anymore drives me crazy inside. I know that I have no right to contact you, no right telling you these things, I know I should leave it alone, leave you to get on with your life - that would be the right thing to do, I wish I could do the right thing. Oh well, it's obvious that I'm not because well, here's this email to you.

  I've cut my hair. One morning I got up, wasn't feeling too well, morning sickness, and after it was over, I looked at myself in the mirror, touched my hair, grabbed the scissors and started cutting. Crazy huh? Wasn't something I planned, I just did it - still not sure why. Victor, he hates it - and for that reason alone, I love it, LOL. Isaac likes it and Darren looked at me funny, grinned, crinkled up his nose and laughed when he first saw it, I'm not sure how to take that, oh well, what's done is done.

  They miss you.

  I - really miss you.

  Can you at the very least, just send me a small email saying, you're okay? That's all I ask, just to know that you're all right. And last, I'd like to fight it, I'd like to deny it, I should not bring it up I know, I'm being selfish and still trying, in vain I know, to hold on to something between us, but here it goes.... I love you, I always will - there, I said it.

  Crystal...'

  The email made him smile, he thought he would reply short and sweet, instead...

  'Hi back, I'm okay...' He should have left it at that, but he didn't, he went on to reply... 'You cut your hair huh? Can I see? You have a webcam on that laptop, take a picture and send it to me, I wanna see how beautiful you still must be, with short hair. I - miss the boys too, and this is sooo damn stupid for me to say, admit - I miss you, and fool that I am, I love you, more than likely, I always will, and you will always break my heart, something I've come to accept.

  Ben...'

  When he woke the next morning, once more resisting his emails, he simply grabbed his laptop, dropped it into the bag and headed off to PenTab to get his photographs processed and loaded into their system. On taking his first break, he didn't fight it, he opened his emails, of course hers first. She'd sent him the recent picture he requested, his reply...

  'You, with short hair, or long... will always take my breath away. You are more beautiful I'm thinking, with short. Your face is now showing that it is a work of art, your graceful neck beckons me to kiss it once more. Sorry, I shouldn't have said such a thing, yet - I've never kept the truth from you, no since in starting now - I've said it before, I'll say it again, Victor - is a fool!

  Ben...'

  Her reply... 'That is why he and I deserve each other, he is a fool... I am a fool.'

  Upon reading her reply, Ben felt his gut tighten, his mind immediately reminding him, 'You said you loved her and you know that you do, so why did you leave? You're a coward, that's why you left! You made promises to her, and you broke every one of them, because it didn't go the way you wanted it, when she told you the truth from the very beginning! Some kind of friend you turned out to be, coward... coward... so stuck on yourself, you couldn't cope with the fact that your good looks and charm didn't win you the prize in the first battle! Heaven forbid a McPherson should fail! Victor knocked you off your horse, and instead of getting back on, you sulked off! You removed your gear, you gave up and left her!'

  Ben shot up from his desk chair, left his small office and got back to work. There were three photo assignments for him that day, on the way to the third, his eye caught sight of a barber shop. He turned the corner, parked, locked the car, and found himself sitting in a barber's seat.

  "How you want it?" he was asked.

  "Buzz it. Real short."

  That evening, after work, before his workout, he took off his shirt, sat before the lane of trees in the distance, set the timer and took his picture.

  He opened his laptop at home, no other messages from Crystal - he sent her one, 'You cut your hair - I cut mine. Oh my god, I look too much like my dad now, LOL. Just wanted you to see me, so what do you think? Anyway, I'm off to workout - I went for a lifeguard job and I wasn't strong enough. I can't help but wonder about that, 'I wasn't strong enough...' that line alone and other things have been on my mind. Maybe, there are quite a few things in my life that I'm not strong enough for - I have to work on that. In life, we don't get to pick and choose our trials, and if we are not strong enough, we may fail in the one that is the most important of all. I failed once, I cannot fail again. I love you Crystal, and though you are a woman, I have a feeling, that you are much more stronger, than I've ever been. I must work on that...

  Ben...'

  Madison, Wi.

  Sasha was spending the summer with her cousin, Angela. Marcus and Luis were still working with their father through the summer and Shawn2, to everyone's surprise got himself a summer job working as a bagger at the local grocer, Quillins. However, summer vacation was just about at it's end and school was about to start up again. This left Joseph at home with Meribel most of the
day for her to pour her love and attention upon, all things considered, Joseph was taking it pretty well. Even so, as young as he was, he could tell that he was not enough to help his mother get through the tough times of depression.

  Meribel fought it with all of her power, fought her longing for the child she lost. She struggled when visiting Sylvia and Vivian, after all, she would have been pregnant along with them, now she had to sit on the sidelines and watch them go through the wonderful joys of having a baby - but not be included. She was happy for them, very much so, however it did nothing to ease her through the nights she lay with silent tears streaming knowing she would never have another - and that the one she should have had was dead and gone - nothing could fix that. That she'd had six others meant little in easing the pain, each child was different, an individual - and she'd wanted another daughter. She kept wondering, had that one been - a girl?

  One day, she and Joseph were sitting on the sofa, with a 'Little House on the Prairie' rerun playing at them, and it was during a commercial that she looked up to see the most fetching child she'd ever seen. It was a begging charity commercial featuring the most beautiful little girl - her eyes dominated her dark face because starvation had stripped it of all other features. She was African, with blondish wisps of short soft hair, a heart shaped face, big bold dark eyes, tearing from hunger and hopelessness. Meribel couldn't take her eyes from her, other children were shown, but that particular little girl they showed three times. She was not completely weak nor stripped of her spirit, there was a spark of something left in her that Meribel picked up on immediately. It was as if she resented them shoving a camera in her face - yet would offer her no food. Meribel didn't know how old the commercial was, she was uncertain of how long it had been played - but what did stand out and grab her was that she wanted that little girl, wanted her as bad as she wanted back the one she lost.