by Zi'ere
I want to smack his ass but I know that he won’t even feel it.
“I guess that you don’t remember the fight?”
“What fight, Kam? You’ve never been in a fight in your life!”
“Lies you tell! I had the first one last week! See this scratch right here- you can thank that rat for this!”
Gavin gets angrier, as I talk.
“You woke up and smiled at me and that thang couldn’t take it. She put her hands on me first and she came at me with that mouth of hers first.”
“You mean that ya’ll been acting worse than what ya’ll just did?”
His eyes look like saucers.
I politely pull her braids out of my purse. I had every intention of giving them back to her the next time that I saw her. I watch his heart rate increase on the machines.
“Shit, what do you expect? We are two women fighting over the man that we thought was with each of us, faithfully!”
I get angry all over again.
“Kam you know damn well that I’m not with that girl! Of course, she is going to say anything to make you feel less than. She wants you under her.”
“Well if that heifer had not put her hands on me, then I would not have put my hands on her. I told you from the gate that I’m not one for the bullshit!”
I am now ready to get back to my home.
“Did you forget that I proposed to you? Matter of fact, where is your ring?”
“You done had this female in here fighting me, just because I was talking in your ear. Then your dad said that she should get more time for visitation than me because of the kids but every time that I see this heifer, she ain’t got not one kid with her!
Not to mention the fact that your mom is telling me that you are going to her house, for her to take care of you, as soon as you are discharged! So what the hell am I supposed to do, Gavin?”
His jaws clinch. He is pissed but I keep right on talking.
“I won’t be pulled down to the level of a dysfunctional woman, cat fighting at every corner. Man or no man, I’m not doing it.”
“I’m sorry that you had to go through all of that. I can be a man and take responsibility. I should have told my parents how serious that we are. Me and you together as husband and wife is my future, so I don’t know what the fuck is everybody’s problem. Wasn’t nobody saying shit before we met!”
“Then to top that off, my mother is down the hall dying from cancer!”
“Awe man, Baby I’m so sorry to hear that. I know that you were trying to get close with her.”
Tony bursts into the room. “Aye, Boss Man, Tip just busted out the windows of Kam’s car!”
“WHAT?”
I hop out of my seat and then run over to the window. Sure enough, three floors below, the Benz sits with not one window intact. Front and back windshields and all four doors.
“What car did you drive here?”
Tony answers before me, “The Benz.”
“I know damn well that you’re telling a lie!”
Gavin is pleading for Tony to be wrong.
Tony shakes his head no.
“Got damn it! Good fuckin help is so damn hard to find! What in the fuck were you doing, while she was busting windows?”
Pain is pissed.
“Shiddd, I was trying to stay out of the way. She had a damn baseball bat, Bruh!” Tony holds his hands up in defense.
“She is still a female! You can’t control a damn female! Get the fuck out of here and call Stymy because you have failed me twice in the last fuckin thirty minutes!”
Pain is on one. I have never seen this side of the man before.
He picks up his Samsung Notebook and begins to make calls. First, he calls his baby brother and gives instructions for him to call a tow truck. He then places a call to the dealership, giving orders that he needs factory glass put in that day. The automotive repair center closing in the next hour means nothing to him.
He receives two ‘no can do until Monday’ before he is on the phone with the owner of the dealership himself. The first tow truck has to be cancelled because the dealership is sending its own tow truck now.
I listen to the speakerphone caller assuring Pain that the Benz will be like new in a few hours. I’m not impressed. I send out texts to NaNa and Jai. I need a ride from the hospital, as soon as possible.
“I can’t live like this.”
My voice is full of despair.
“Imagine how I feel!”
Had he not said anything, I would have continued to guess if he feels this way.
“Naw, you have been living like this for years. You have five kids with this female. I can’t do this. I didn’t sign on to deal with a deranged female that can’t let go. Then it’s not so much as her not letting go, I’m not even sure that you truly have let her go. All I ever wanted to do was to go to school, make something of myself, and to enjoy the peace. Yet, I don’t have that anymore!”
“Kam, don’t do this. Not right now.”
“She wants me gone- I’m gone. Ya’ll win, your entire family wins,” I talk, as I text NaNa back to let her know to call me when she is close.
“You don’t get to walk off when you are ready! That’s not the way that I do things!”
“You got that shit right because this girl can’t walk off! Evidently she is still abiding by the rules that you have set!”
I am giving off way more attitude than I want to but he is asking for everything that he is getting.
“Naw Ma, you’re letting her get her way. This life requires a fight. I fought for my life. You need to fight for your man- hell I don’t even know if I’m still your man.”
“Don’t recite shit else to me that she has said to you about me! She doesn’t know shit about me. YOU know better than anyone that I will get in my house and not leave, except to go to work and that is exactly what I have been doing.”
“I wanna believe that.”
“You have been hiding important information since the start, yet you’re trying to imply that you don’t trust me or my intentions?”
“This is not the same thing and you know it.”
“You’re right- you are one hundred and one times worse!”
“I have reasons to do what I do.”
“You had a reason to lie about how many children you have?”
“I can never know if someone is genuine for me or with me because of my status.”
“The only thing that I would have been concerned with, had you respected me enough to tell me the truth . . . Is whether or not you were able- financially, physically, and emotionally fit to take care of five kids!”
“I understand that but I had to make sure that you were everything that you presented yourself to be.”
“If all that is true, then you sound crazy as hell accusing or assuming anything else out of the way about me.”
“That’s what I’m talking about, Baby! Throw some shit back!”
“Pain, I don’t have time for these mind games that you want to play! I’ve had enough of this shit already!”
“Why don’t you have any fight when it comes to me?”
“What do I have to fight for? A real man wouldn’t even give the woman that he wants to marry the opportunity to fight! Fight for what? You proposed to me, not the other way around. My fiancé would make my world easier for me to live!”
“What in the fuck do you think that I’ve been doing, Kam?”
“First off, don’t talk to me like that!”
“That’s my bad. I’m sorry.”
“But to answer your fucked up ass question: you have been buying me, the same way that you bought that heifer that just left out of here.”
“No I haven’t!”
“You had to be sure of my intentions….those are your words, not mine. The only thing that you are really concerned with, is which fashion label that I look best in.”
“We’re getting off task.”
“Naw, I’m calling you out on you
r bullshit! I guess being knocked on your ass makes you forget that I have never asked you for anything! I didn’t need anything from you the night that we met and I can take my ass back to my apartment right now and I won’t feel bad about it!”
“I said that I am sorry!”
“Yeah, I heard you when you lied the first time! I’m not about to kiss your ass for a dollar! Call me when you can keep your hoe in check!”
I am out of the door before he can even respond.
53
My feelings are hurt but I won’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he’s hurt me, yet once again. He probably won’t even remember the conversation tomorrow or tonight. I decide to do a quick check on Carla before my ride comes.
I walk into her room, as the nurses are pulling the sheet over her head. The sight knocks the wind out of me. My mother is gone and I didn’t even know her. I am already hurt and I can’t feel any more added pain. Nor can I produce any tears.
She sent me to boarding school at thirteen years old and I truly didn’t want to be there. But instead of me wasting the scholarship and acting out, I doubled my course load and graduated high school early. By my academic numbers being so high, I was also offered an additional scholarship to college.
I had a full ride and I took every advantage of obtaining my bachelor’s degree. When I got to the clinic, Doc pushed me on to my master’s degree. I have been living with little to no adult supervision since I was thirteen. So Carla’s death only makes her role in my life true. She died to me a long time ago, even though I wanted a relationship with her.
I’ve done everything that I could do and it still was never good enough. She still couldn’t show me love, the way that most mothers drown their children in. My head is pounding by the time that my ride pulls up to the loading zone in the front of the hospital.
“Girl I know damn well them folks is not still working your damn emotions?” NaNa is on her way out of her car.
“Please don’t get out! I’m done with it all. Please, please- just drive and get me out of this place!”
“Kamille, Baby….is that your car?”
“You damn right, Bestie! That is the work of a baby mama getting kicked out of her baby daddy’s hospital room when his fiancé arrives.”
“I swear, these tricks will do anything for attention! Why not have something happen to your own stuff, so that he has to come out of pocket? Hell for all we know, Pain is gonna say that car ain’t good enough for you anymore and then buy you another one. Newer and more expensive…..That’s gonna hurt her soul though!”
“I don’t even care anymore!”
My head is spinning and I suddenly realize that I haven’t eaten at all today.
“Have you had anything to eat yet? I’m starving.”
“We are doing a crab boil at Jai’s……..remember?”
“Ugh, that’s right!”
“You need a drink, Booskie!”
“I can’t drink NaNa, I’m twelve weeks pregnant.”
This fool slams on brakes in the middle of the road and has her precious Caprice rear ended. My head hits the windshield and everything fads to black.
I turn my head towards the voice of my big cousin. I am not sure who she is talking to but she is giving them the business.
“Your son is unable to make any decisions when it comes to my cousin. For one, he is high on whatever they are putting in his IV and for two, he is the cause of her being out cold in that damn bed in the first fuckin place.”
“He takes responsibility, believe me- he has set us all straight. That is sixty percent of the reason that I’m down here now. The other forty is what he and I have been suspecting all along . . . That she is carrying my grandchild.”
“Correction, she WAS carrying your grandchild! Had ya’ll kept that hood rat out of her face and not stressing her out! Then you should have stopped trying to undo all of the pillow talk that she’s been having with her man and maybe she wouldn’t be in this position.”
“On behalf of the entire family, we are so sorry.”
“I bet ya’ll ain’t sorry for shit! What she shares with him is special. Nobody needs to know about it but the two of them. It is the two of them against the world. I know that better than anyone else, on the outside looking in.
What he has with her, she treasures. She loves your son for no reason at all, except for the fact that his eyes light up when he sees her. So what I need you to do is go and tell King Tut up there, that he doesn’t run this shit anymore! All this stress that he’s been putting on my cousin stops as of today!’
“I can’t tell him that,” Mrs. Brown admits.
“Then all of ya’ll are shit outta luck, because I’m in charge now! This girl has lost her mother today, had another fight and ya’lls family just stood by! She had the windows busted out of her car, got into a car accident, and lost her baby!
Nobody associated with the name Pain or Brown and for damn sho, not a baby mama-need not come to that damn door! As you can see, I’m not as sweet and humble like she is.”
“Fuck around and think we playing! Ya’ll better check our police records!” NaNa adds her two cents.
“Ok, that’s enough! There is a respectful way to do everything under the sun. Do you think that I’m going to stand here and let you disrespect my parents or my brother like this? And everything is going to be cool?” Christina is ready.
“Since you’ve got so much to say…What was your ass doing when that rat scratched my cousin in the face? Did you get in that shit?”
Jai is ready for war.
“Didn’t none of their asses do shit but talk shit when it was over! Get the fuck on!”
NaNa is cosigning on everything.
I know that some of the women are here and also Gavin’s sisters but I am upset that I can’t see the looks on their faces in this moment. I can’t open my eyes, no matter how hard that I try. Then after a few seconds, I hear muffled sounds that turn into complete silence. I’ve lost my baby. I don’t even want to live.
“What in the hell is this busted ass bird doing here? Walking up in here like her shit don’t stank!” NaNa is still in control of the chatter.
“I heard about the accident, I’m just here checking on my girl.”
“YOUR GIRL? WHO IS YOUR GIRL IN HERE?” Jai’s screams.
“Whatever! That’s all it is, I don’t want any trouble. We’ve been friends too long to let this division continue.”
I hate the sound of Neka’s voice. I cannot believe that she has the nerve to actually come to the hospital and talk.
“I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING THAT I LOVE, THAT YA’LL AIN’T GONNA BE HAPPY TIL YA’LL SEE ME ON THE GOTDAMN FIVE O’CLOCK NEWS!”
“YOU IS A TIRED ASS HOE! GOOD THING THAT YOU’RE ALREADY AT THE HOSPITAL THIS TIME! YOU WON’T HAVE FAR TO TRAVEL WHEN I SLAY YOUR ASS AGAIN!”
My surround sound is on her job.
The sound of furniture moving can’t be mistaken. But I am trying with everything that I have in me to recall if NaNa has gotten hurt in the accident too.
“Girl, get the fuck on! You know damn well that you ain’t welcome here!” Broderick’s voice resounds.
Neka should have used better judgment than what she is using. If she can’t sit in my apartment, then what makes her think that she can sit in my hospital room? I am lost. I have to assume that perhaps she is still on the plot to get close to Pain. Even with me in distress, she is still on a mission and looking for a way in.
“Jai please call me if she needs anything at all. I don’t care if you and NaNa just need some real food brought up here. I don’t care if you need a drink with ice or candy- don’t hesitate to call me. I can’t believe all of this shit, right here!” Broderick sounds torn.
My nerves are shot.
54
Pictures of an almond complexioned juicy little girl flash in my head, as if a professional photographer is capturing precious memories. By her thin lips and thick eyelashes, I know that she is me an
d Pain’s child. She is beautiful.
I see her being born, as I watch from the ceiling. I see her crawling around the floors of what would have been her new home. She has four teeth in another frame. My brain freezes at the picture of her first day of school. Music takes over, as if there is a heavy metal band playing on the stage, which is my forehead.
“SHE’S SEIZING! HOLD HER DOWN! MA’AM WE NEED FOR YOU TO STAND BACK, SO THAT WE CAN WORK!”
“GOD, PLEASE LET MY SISTER BE OKAY!”
So many voices, saying so many different things.
I end up staying in the hospital, for what I was told a week. According to Jai and NaNa who haven’t left my side, I’ve lost the baby and I’ve had a seizure. I had to be put into a medically induced coma for a few days to bring my body out of the shock.
As much as I want to go home to recover in normal surroundings, the Brown family meets mines with opposition. Jai decides to take me to her house. Family soldiers watch the house around the clock, once I am here.
She doesn’t like the security detail but she understands the need. My God babies check on me several times a day, while I am on bed rest. But the house is the quietest that I have ever heard it. Even my girl NaNa keeps her loud bunch away, whenever she brings me food or comes in to sit with me when Jai is away.
Broderick comes over and locks the two of us in my bedroom, as he goes over the figures for the week. It is about to be a new month and I need to get home to gather the funds that need to re-up. He brings a huge U-Haul box and stashes the money inside of it, until I can go back to the house.
It is Stymy, not my cool big brother Broderick, who tells me that I can’t go back to the house unless he knows about it a few hours in advance. It is starting to get on my nerves how these men are handling me.
One second I am ready to run the world and the next they are barking orders at me, like I am the hired help. I know that the gentle giant’s words are orders that he’s been given. He will have consequences if he does not complete the things that his boss has stressed for him to do. The street life has too many policies and procedures for me.
“I know that you’ve been going through changes this last month. Is there anything that I can do for you?” He asks me.