SHADOWS OF REGRET: If your life was ruined, would you seek redemption or take revenge?

by Ross Greenwood

  He brushes past me as he leaves. It is only a gentle touch, but I am far enough from the doorway to make it completely unnecessary. The message is received.

  Sally returns the moment he steps out of the door and pulls me into a hug. I don’t cry. I can’t cry. Yet again, someone I trust has let me down. It’s just another time that I’ve been deserted.

  ‘What did she do, Sally?’

  ‘She got the train back to Leeds. They haven’t told me the finer details, but she found out where her children lived. They walk to school. She waited until they were almost there and then approached them.’

  ‘Oh my God. Why would she be so stupid?’

  She doesn’t answer because it’s a daft question. Maleeha’s children are still her life. She never moved on. It is a testament to the human spirit she lasted this long. Every day became something to be endured. Every attempt at happiness was just a distraction. I wonder if those few moments with her children were worth it. The horror dawns on me straight away.

  ‘The kids didn’t recognise her.’

  ‘No. She lost control. Screamed and begged. I’m not sure who called the police, but, as you can imagine, they were there in seconds.’

  ‘Is she in prison already?’

  ‘Not yet. She’s in the cells at the police station. It’s only a matter of time.’

  ‘Was Thorn correct? Will she be back there for ages?’

  Sally pauses, and wonders whether to sugar-coat it for me. She makes the right call.

  ‘Yes, they’ll keep her in for evaluation after doing something like that. A year if she’s lucky. She killed their father. They will see it as the moment she got out, even though three months have passed and she has made a lot of progress, she did what they expressly told her not to. It’s sensible to think that when they release her again, it’s likely she’ll do exactly the same thing. She could do the rest of her tariff. That’s another eight years.’

  Poor girl. She would never serve that time. They gave me a life sentence, and tomorrow morning at the police station they will give Maleeha one of death. My friend is gone. Soon to be a further statistic they find at unlock.

  ‘Don’t quit too, Katie. The girls wouldn’t want you to — even though they aren’t here. You’ll still be able to go to that house, and there’ll be new friends. Trust me.’

  What do I care? Yet again, I let someone in and they left me. I won’t be making that mistake again. Nevertheless, when I crawl into bed, my thoughts betray me, and I think of Tommy.

  23

  The Sixth Memory - Age Ten

  I stared into the pond, unable to take my turn. Tommy scuffed his shoes and looked away. ‘What do you mean, you’re leaving?’ I asked.

  ‘They’ve found a family who want to foster me.’

  The earth tilted on its axis. Denial came first. ‘You said no one would want a child as old as you.’

  ‘Mrs Gill told me they lost a boy my age and wanted to help someone similar.’

  ‘Isn’t that creepy?’

  ‘I guess.’

  I chewed my lip for a minute. We’d put an old bucket at the end of the pond in the secluded spot at Thorpe Hall grounds where we hid. Tommy was taller now and stronger, so he had to throw the stones at the target. I was allowed to skim them in. His handicap made us about even, and therefore we played it all the time.

  ‘I don’t want you to go.’ Even though I had a strong arm, my latest stone didn’t bounce once. The sinking feeling was mutual.

  ‘I don’t want to go either. But she said they’re rich. They have a huge house and a flash car. They took me to dinner a few weeks ago. It was a posh restaurant. Napkins and everything. They’ll take care of my schooling as well, whatever that means.’

  ‘Why didn’t you mention any of this?’

  ‘They picked me up from school. I thought nothing would come of it and tried not to worry you.’

  ‘Thanks for thinking of me, but now it’s a really big shock.’

  ‘It’ll be a nightmare. When they realise I’m not as good as their son, they’ll send me back. It’s happened before.’

  Neither of us were stupid. Tommy was generally a well-behaved boy. They could do a lot worse. His was the chance of a lifetime. The hope we all had.

  ‘I hate to leave you, Katie. I asked if you could come too, but they only wanted one child.’

  ‘Will you be able to visit?’

  ‘I think so. Why wouldn’t they let me? You’re my best friend.’

  I crouched low and, with fury, launched a stone with extreme force. It bounced on the water three times before clanging the dead centre of the metal bucket. There were no high fives all round. We trudged back in silence.

  The process must have started after that lunch as Tommy only had one more week. It seemed strange that people were discussing our futures without considering our thoughts. I resolved to be strong and not cry when the car arrived. But Tommy’s crumpled face was too much for me, and I sobbed on his shoulder.

  I struggled to regain my composure afterwards and shouted at Mrs Gill.

  ‘Why am I left alone? Why do I always get shat on? Everyone else has it easy.’

  Despite me saying that, deep down, it wasn’t as heart-breaking as before. Tommy had gone to a better place than the others who deserted me. Many of whom had been heading to the cemetery. Mrs Gill loved her lessons though, and my comments wouldn’t go unanswered. She took me into her room and gave me one of her mind-juddering talks.

  ‘We’re all alone at times. My husband couldn’t handle the loss of our only child. He drank for a bit. Hell, we drank together, but that didn’t help. The pain in the morning was too cruel to bear. In the end, he just said he had to go. He didn’t say where, and I didn’t ask. You see, I was pleased. Everything reminded me of our girl, but nothing more than him. His teeth, his nose, even his chuckle — which thankfully I never heard again — she had inherited perfectly. It was only after he disappeared that I began to heal.

  ‘I even made love again. I was much older than you of course. It was different, but still nice. Not great though, like a strong cup of tea and chocolate from the fridge.’

  I wondered what was she going on about? My blank face made her explain.

  ‘Sometimes a low point is from where we build. If you hit the bottom, the only way is up, maybe today is where your luck changes. I have good news for you too, you also have a foster home to go to. A couple called Martha and Arthur not far from here are looking for someone special. You’ll be able to attend the same school you’re at now as well.’

  At the time, those words didn’t make much sense. But, as with many of Mrs Gill’s sermons, I would not forget them. Years later, I would ponder the lesson within them. As for my new placement? I was happy, but not hopeful. Martha and Arthur sounded like a couple who sang country music. The others at the children’s home already had their friends, so I was alone again and fine with leaving. I hadn’t bothered making connections because I’d only needed Tommy. Nobody would miss me.

  Later, I went to ride my bike to distract myself as I couldn’t get him out of my mind. It wasn’t where I discarded it in the garage. When I checked with one of the staff members, she said she’d put in in the boot of the car with Tommy when he left. They thought it was his.

  She expected me to cry when I explained, but I didn’t. I wanted him to have that bike, and I hoped he would remember me every time he sat on it. Oh, Tommy. The last words he cried into my neck were that he’d see me again. He never would.

  24

  May

  Leaving the Nest

  Finally, it’s time for me to depart from the safety of the hostel. I pile my things up next to the front door. There are more items than I had when I was released, but still not much for it to be everything. Sally takes me to the kitchen for the paperwork. The other girls who’d arrived to replace my friends wished me good luck, but I’d kept my distance from new relationships. Apart from Jan Shemanski.

  I chose extensive desi
gns for my arms and, despite what he said about extra costs, he did them for free. I now have a vivid rose covering the random blue cross that was there. The other arm has a large colourful black and red dragon snaking down from shoulder to wrist. The skull and crossbones smudge is gone. I like the spiritual side of an oriental design, and I love the beauty of the flower after what was there before.

  He’s also shown me further work which he said would suit. I want more, possibly on my back, but my prison ink is covered now, so I’d need to pay for it. The complicated images I desire would take much longer. We’d gone for coffee and there was an obvious mutual attraction. We shared a few kisses. There was no pressure, so it is only a matter of time. He’d offered to give me a lift to my new place and would be here soon.

  ‘These are the forms to sign, Katie,’ says Sally. ‘You’ve been a perfect resident here, so keep that up and all will be fine. Maybe let the others have a bit of hot water as well, and you’ll be very popular.’

  ‘Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done without your help.’

  ‘Listen to me. You are a strong, clever woman. This is part of your journey. Enjoy your life now. Don’t be a stranger and forget us.’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘I’m always here for advice.’

  ‘I thought Thorn would have been here to ruin things.’

  ‘He’s meeting you there with the keys and to explain the commitments you must maintain for him ongoing.’

  I dislike the sound of that and can’t stop a grimace forming. Sally nods in agreement.

  ‘Be careful of him. I have nothing concrete to tell you, but I’m a great judge of character, and I don’t trust him. Never be alone with him.’ Her face drops. ‘I also see the odd flash of anger, or something similar, in your eyes. Do not let him provoke you, he holds all the power. I’ll come with you today.’

  ‘It’s all good, Jan’s driving me over and is helping me settle in.’

  She shakes her head but smiles.

  ‘Do I need to be wary of him as well?’

  ‘There’ll be a lesson there too, but it will be a necessary one. You were away for a long time. Even though you’re in your thirties now, you haven’t experienced modern life, so take things easy, and do nothing rash. Nice people look like your doctor, remember that.’

  The doorbell rings and she steals a final hug.

  Jan smiles at the door when I open it. I gesture to my belongings with a wink, and he starts placing them in his car. Stepping outside, there’s a moment of joy. I’m starting to believe I can do this. Now, I can live.

  * * *

  The traffic as always is dreadful. Jan’s small vehicle isn’t what I expected. I check out the immaculate plastic interior. It even smells clean.

  ‘I had you for a truck driver. What’s this?’

  ‘Really? And you say I stereotype people.’ He smiles and rests his hand on my leg as we stop at red lights. It’s natural to have him touching me. ‘This is a Vauxhall Astra. Very nice. Small engine, virtually no emissions. Perfect for those who have to drive but want to protect the environment.’

  ‘Okay, you’re the boss.’

  He switches on the CD player. Destiny’s Child - Survivor begins. Many a girl blared that out of her cell of a night. He accelerates into a clear stretch of road and holds my hand. I’m still not sure if I’m a survivor. I do know that I feel great. Cars fly past on the other side ferrying families, couples, young and old, but all normal. That’s what I am today, and it is about time.

  It’s obvious when we enter the rougher area of town. It isn’t even gradual. Jan knows the way and brakes outside a reasonably sized house. There’s no front garden, so I step out and knock. Tim Thorn opens the door with a grin that fades as he sees Jan dragging my stuff out of the car.

  ‘Your friend can wait here.’

  I’ve prepared for this moment and know what to say. ‘No, it’s okay. I want him to hear as well so I don’t forget what’s expected of me.’

  He turns and climbs the stairs. Jan shrugs and follows me up. The room is bare but fine. There are no bedcovers which is probably a good thing. On inspection, the mattress and everything else is new. I can cope with bottom of the range.

  Thorn hands me an envelope and tells me he’ll see me every week on a Thursday. There isn’t any more for him to say, so clearly his visit was unnecessary. He drops my keys on the bedside table with a final filthy stare at Jan, who glares right back, and he’s gone.

  ‘Who was that asshole?’

  ‘My probation worker. Nice, isn’t he?’

  ‘I think he likes you.’ He steps towards me. ‘As do I.’ He gently kisses me. ‘We should celebrate.’

  ‘Are you taking me out for a fancy meal?’

  ‘Whatever you like. Not now though, I need to get to work.’

  ‘Do you have ten minutes for me to show my eternal thanks?’

  This time the kissing is not soft. His hands are affectionate and efficient, and soon we’re standing naked. He kisses my neck and breasts. My skin burns as he ventures lower. He moves behind me and focuses on my shoulders. A strong grip surrounds my waist and his hardness nudges between my legs.

  The past descends and my body freezes in an instant. He turns me around.

  ‘Hey, are you okay? We can stop.’

  I guessed I would feel strange at this moment. Perhaps, if I don’t continue, it will always be a problem. I make my mind up and kiss his mouth.

  ‘You have to look me in the eyes to have your wicked way.’ When he offers a querying half-smile, I say, ‘The first time anyway.’

  With that, I push him backwards onto the bed, grab his wrists and hold them above his head. He is more than ready, and we fit together like a glove. I haven’t done it in this position before. It makes me feel powerful to be in control even though his hips match the force of mine.

  Greedy hands break free and squeeze my hips. Our rhythm speeds up and his breathing quickens at the same pace. As his expression changes, I recognise the concern on his face. I whisper, ‘Do it,’ in his ear and thrust harder.

  He hangs around for a respectable amount of time afterwards, considering he has to be somewhere.

  ‘That was great, Katie. Perhaps a little quick.’

  ‘Don’t be silly. I loved it. And I can’t wait for an encore.’

  ‘Tonight?’

  ‘Tomorrow night. I want to settle in first, and I’d hate to ruin the mattress.’

  I watch him drive away. I hadn’t lied to him, I enjoyed it, but part of me failed to engage with the whole experience. I suppose that is to be expected.

  25

  My New Home

  I settle into a routine, but I’m not particularly happy. The house is quiet, and the people are nice. They’re busy strangers, though, who have enough in their lives without inviting me in. Thorn is all business when I see him. He seemed distracted this morning which saved me from his overlong stares.

  I carry on with my packing job but without Maleeha it’s boring. Strange how the absence of just one person can completely change your perspective and enjoyment of a place. The others chatter away in their own languages, leaving me with my music.

  As the weeks pass, I see less of Jan. He says work is crazy, and he’s only able to meet for short lunches or quick visits to my room. We have a lot of sex, in any position he wants, yet I can’t orgasm with him. I sense this is a problem for Jan more than me and fake it on the odd occasion. He shrugs off my apologies, but I can tell it affects him.

  I wander around the city and see the sights. Jogging every day and joining a cheap gym helps burn time, but still I’m lonely and don’t know what to do about it.

  The few things I enjoy doing are solitary experiences. I love the first showing at the cinema when the price is low and there’s rarely more than a few people in there, so it feels like a private screening. It’s nice to be a voyeur of others’ exciting lives even if they aren’t real. Yesterday’s show was a cheesy romance, but it gave
me an idea.

  There’s a deli near where Jan works. Browsing the aisles, it’s a struggle to believe how much olives, sourdough bread and Serrano ham cost. I look around to make sure it isn’t someone’s idea of a joke. The cutlery borrowed from the kitchen and a blanket I saw in a cupboard are already in my bag, so I fork out. The Italian guy is friendly and happy which isn’t surprising at these prices.

  I’d taken to wearing gloves and sleeves whenever I saw Thorn. He hadn’t noticed the changes I’d made previously due to winter coats and long jumpers. I found I didn’t want him seeing much of me. I also remember being punished in prison for getting new tattoos. One of the later arrivals at the house had casually commented on them and asked if probation had taken an up-to-date description of me. I realised I didn’t want him to be aware of them as if I knew he’d somehow spoil it. I liked having one up on him, too.

  Outside Jan’s, I duck into a vacant shop doorway and take off the thin leather gloves. I remove my woollen hat too and fluff out my fringe. It’s growing now and doesn’t look great. A cut and blow dry is needed, but the prices around here are insane. I smile, knowing Jan spends little time looking at my hair.

  The sun is out, so I stuff my belongings into a rucksack. As I’m about to move into the light, Jan’s little white car pulls up. A tall thin woman steps from it. The door of the shop opens and Jan kisses her on the cheeks, holds her hands, and beams into her eyes.

  I clench my jaw to keep my mouth closed. They kiss deeply and the little voice that told me it might be his sister is quietened. Jan opens the back door of the car, reaches in, and pulls a squirming child into his arms while I shuffle into the shadows.

  There’s a moment where I feel like beating him with the picnic bag, but the food is too expensive to waste. The rage dwindles, but I’ve been used again. Deep down, I always knew it was going nowhere so maybe it’s better to find this out now.

  The vision of happiness continues in view. Do I want to be like that, or is it too late for me? I decide I’m not going to let him completely off the hook and, with a merry whistle, I swagger past catching his eye. I don’t say anything — I don’t need to. His wife sees his expression before he has time to regain his composure, and I know that will be the last I hear from him.