The Twelve Dates of Christmas

by Lisa Dickenson

  ‘We were lucky to get tickets; it’s the last performance before Christmas.’

  ‘Well, I think you’re going to love it. Completely love it.’ Claudia took a deep breath of cool air. ‘So what do you think the Queen’s put on her Christmas list?’

  ‘I expect she wants the same kinda thing as you or me,’ said the woman. ‘And what I want is a Michael Kors watch. What about you? What do you want for Christmas?’

  What did Claudia want for Christmas? Mariah Carey hummed in her head. ‘I heard that Prince Harry once gave the Queen a bath hat that said “Ain’t Life a Bitch”. Maybe one of those.’

  The woman whooped a jolly laugh. ‘Did you know that the Queen watches the Queen’s Speech on her own on Christmas Day because she can’t bear being on TV in front of her family? I guess we all get a little stage fright sometimes.’

  ‘I didn’t know that.’

  ‘Now then. I might not have a Michael Kors watch yet, but this old one tells me I have to go. I’m getting my nails done with my daughter, a snowflake design, before tonight.’ She snapped a final photo of the Palace. ‘Now, whether it’s a bitchin’ bath hat or something special, I hope you get what you want. Merry Christmas, honey.’

  ‘Merry Christmas,’ smiled Claudia. She quelled the overwhelming desire to ask the woman if she could come and get her nails done, too.

  Claudia missed her mum.

  Truth be told, Claudia missed everyone right now.

  Claudia walked through the door of the Hummingbird Bakery the next morning, pausing under the exuberant heater to peel the scarf off her sweaty neck. She scowled at the pink walls. She scowled at the other customers, and she scowled at the friendly-looking server with the ‘Merry Christmas, I’m Manpreet’ name tag. She then scowled in turn at the cupcakes, the brownies and the whoopie pies.

  ‘Hello grumpy,’ Penny said, coming up behind her and also removing her coat and scarf. Claudia tried hard not to scowl at her, too.

  ‘Season’s greetings,’ she said, laced with sarcasm.

  Penny raised an eyebrow at Manpreet behind the counter. ‘Can I have a red velvet cupcake please, and a hot chocolate.’

  ‘Sure.’

  Penny turned to Claudia. ‘What do you want?’

  Claudia peered at her. Penny wasn’t sounding very friendly. To be fair, Claudia wasn’t being very friendly to her, but she had a good reason to be down in the dumps. She turned to Manpreet.

  ‘Please can I have a pumpkin whoopie pie, a tiramisu cupcake and an extremely dark coffee with loads and loads of cream.’

  ‘Coming right up,’

  ‘Shall we sit?’ Penny asked Claudia stiffly.

  Claudia slouched behind Penny as she led them to a window table. ‘So guess what?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You’re my tenth date of December,’ Claudia said.

  ‘Mmm, aren’t you getting around?’ said Penny. What did that mean?

  ‘Not ten different people.’

  ‘Some just keep coming back though, don’t they?’

  Manpreet brought the loaded tray to the table. ‘Enjoy. Let me know if you need a sick bag,’ she grinned at Claudia.

  ‘So, what’s going on?’ Penny asked.

  ‘What’s going on with what?’

  ‘What’s going on with you and Nick?’

  ‘Beats me. We had a date last night. The date. And this morning he’d left.’

  ‘Why did he leave?’

  ‘I don’t know, Penny, do you want me to list my faults? He had sex with my terribly offensive vagina. He literally had sex with me and ran away from my bits, straight out of there, didn’t want to see them in the cold light of day. And frankly,’ Claudia pointed down, ‘she’s really hurt. She’d been to the salon and everything.’

  ‘Are you back with Seth?’

  ‘No.’ She squirmed. ‘What?’

  ‘Are you?’

  Penny knew something. ‘I’m not back with him but he’s coming with me to the wedding.’ So there.

  ‘Claudia, this is a really bad idea.’

  ‘Why is it bad? He was my boyfriend for five years.’

  ‘He was your boyfriend for five years and then he dumped you! And was with someone else, and you were miserable.’

  ‘And then I was with someone else, and now I’m still miserable.’ Of course she knew it was an awful idea, but it was too late now and she wasn’t in the mood for someone else to point out her mistakes. She felt she’d had enough of that from one, horrible text message. ‘Has Nick said something to you?’

  ‘I called him yesterday. He’s under the impression you were stringing him along while you worked things out with Seth.’

  ‘I’m not working things out with Seth, but at least Seth stuck around for five years. At least it took him five years to figure out how not-sexy I am. Nick had one ride on the rollercoaster and was like, Yawn, when’s the next bus home?’

  ‘I don’t get it. I don’t get you. You didn’t give Nick a chance to stick around for another go.’ Penny glared at Claudia, who mashed her fork into her whoopie pie and refused to look up. ‘Nick’s heartbroken. I don’t know exactly what happened, but it’s a pretty horrible way to treat a friend.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘It seems to me that you led Nick on, like he was a rebound, and the minute he left you were back in Seth’s arms.’

  ‘I am not back in Seth’s arms at all.’

  ‘He saw you kissing!’

  ‘What? Nick saw? When?’

  ‘At your flat, after he went out to get you a bloody gingerbread latté.’

  ‘Oh …’ He’d just gone to Starbucks? Those drinks were from him? She could see why that would look bad. Really bad. But he started it. And bloody Seth! Yet another lie. She actually was the idiot he took her for. ‘The only reason we were kissing was because Nick sent such a mean text that wasn’t meant for me, basically crapping all over our night together.’

  ‘Did you ask him about it?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You didn’t even ask him about it?’ Penny shook her head in disbelief. ‘So it was probably a misunderstanding.’

  ‘There is no way it was a misunderstanding. You don’t know anything about anything. It detailed how rubbish it was, how he couldn’t wait to get out, and basically how I was just a conquest.’ Claudia’s voice wobbled, she was ashamed saying it aloud. ‘He just wanted to see if he could bed his best friend. He’ll probably see if he can do you next.’

  ‘Yeah, Nick is such an arsehole, that totally sounds like him. Can I read the text?’ Claudia handed over her phone and Penny read it, nodding. ‘I get that this sounds bad, but “I kept my eyes closed the whole time” – you’re hardly a minger, Claud, I just don’t believe this can be about your night together. And I’m surprised you can; you know Nick better than this.’

  ‘It wouldn’t be the first time this month I was surprised by the behaviour of someone I trusted,’ Claudia sulked. Why wasn’t Penny more shocked? It seemed so easy for her to believe there was a mix-up.

  ‘But what behaviour? One minute you’re both besotted, the next minute you’re throwing it out the window, snogging Seth and moaning about a text that mentions you how many times? Oh, that’s right, none.’

  Was Penny right? Was it Claudia who had buggered it all up?

  ‘If you think Seth’s a better option that Nick, who is awesome, you’re insane,’ Penny continued. ‘You’re a glutton for punishment. And you’re not the girl I thought you were.’

  They took a moment to simmer down.

  ‘What is this about?’ Penny asked slowly. ‘Do you want to find out what’s going on with Nick? Or do you want an easy way out so you can get back with Seth?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘I wish you could just make your mind up for once. I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but you can’t make your mind up ever, about anything. You run for the easy option rather than fighting for what you supposedly want. You didn’t even bot
her asking Nick what this text meant, you were just like, Ah well, Seth’s being nice now so he’ll do.’

  Claudia sat in silence. It was true. Sometimes she felt so far from the strong, assertive, Beyoncé-type woman she longed to be. She remembered with a deep pang that she still hadn’t given an answer about the Royal Ballet job. How many years had she been passively job-hunting now? Was she going to mess this opportunity up as well because she was so afraid of change? She talked the talk about taking risks, but when was she going to grow up and make some decisions?

  ‘I think you should talk to Nick, ASAP.’

  ‘I think you should just—’

  ‘Just what?’

  ‘Stay out of it,’ Claudia mumbled. Her head hurt and she felt sick thinking she might have made the stupidest, most monumental mistake. But she could come back from it … couldn’t she? If she explained it to him? But every time she remembered that message she felt a rush of pain all over again. What other explanation was there? Surely it was better not to kid herself: it had obviously been about her.

  Penny’s face was pink. ‘You’re right. Far be it for me, the outsider, the gooseberry, to invade on the private little world of Claudia and Nick.’

  ‘I didn’t mean it like that. You’re still my best friend.’

  ‘Am I?’ It hung in the air like a threat. ‘It was so easy for you to dismiss him, to imagine the worst. What if I make a mistake, or there’s a misunderstanding? Am I out, too?’

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘I can’t believe that at the moment.’

  But now is when I need you the most. Stop making it harder.

  The Michael Bublé Christmas album started in the background – a sad reminder of Claudia and Nick’s night at her flat. Claudia glared at Manpreet. She turned back to Penny. ‘Did you ask for this to be put on?’

  ‘Yes, that’s exactly what’s at the top of my priority list right now. Not trying to make my two best friends see sense before everything falls apart, but to make sure that the Michael Bublé album is playing whenever you’re in the room, because everything is about you.’

  ‘I feel like you don’t get it, Penny, like you want answers from me that I don’t have right now.’

  ‘Fine, I’ll keep out of it. I’ll keep out of your way while you swan about in your own world, kissing the best friend, kissing the ex, whatever. You’re absolutely right – it’s not my problem.’

  ‘You should be pleased: Nick’s all yours now. You can waltz off into the sunset together.’ Claudia immediately regretted saying it.

  ‘Yeah, I’m desperate for your sloppy seconds. Thank you, Claudia, for stepping aside and bestowing him on me.’

  ‘I’m just saying. Maybe you should go for it – you liked him first.’

  ‘And we both know how bitter you get about me having things you don’t.’

  There was silence. That was true, but Claudia was not about to admit it.

  ‘I am not jealous of you.’

  ‘I should go.’

  ‘Yes, please, I’ve had enough bashing for today.’

  ‘I’m so tired of listening to you feel sorry for yourself.’ Penny rolled her eyes, standing up.

  ‘Sorry for being such an inconvenience to your life.’ Claudia’s heart stung. Was this really what Penny thought of her? She brushed a hunk of cupcake across the table in front of her, which soared directly onto Penny’s dress in a big blob of buttercream icing. She raised an eyebrow at Penny. ‘Whoops.’

  Penny looked at the mess as it plopped from her dress onto the floor. Slowly she leant over the table and picked up the discarded half of Claudia’s whoopie pie.

  ‘No,’ said Claudia, pushing her chair back into the middle of the bakery. Penny prowled after her. ‘Stop it, leave me alone.’

  ‘Um, ladies, you’re scaring the other customers,’ Manpreet said, trying to position herself between the two.

  And right there, in the middle of the charming South Kensington branch of the Hummingbird Bakery, Claudia sat on a chair while a sticky, squashy whoopie pie was mashed onto her face.

  ‘I’m going to kill you until you’re dead, Penny,’ Claudia yelped.

  ‘That’s not necessary,’ Manpreet said, napkins in her hand. ‘I think it would be good if you’d both just leave and continue this snowball fight outside, with actual snow, further down the street.’

  ‘I’m going to kill you ’til you’re dead,’ Penny fumed, tugging on her coat. ‘You got icing on my favourite jumper dress.’

  ‘Now you’ll just have to choose one of your ten thousand other slutty dresses.’

  ‘Slutty? Well good luck finding another dress to wear to the wedding, because you’re not borrowing mine.’

  ‘LIKE I CARE. IT LOOKED SHIT ON ME ANYWAY.’ Hang on …

  The girls stormed from the bakery and stood staring at each other on the snowy street, nostrils flaring. ‘Well, see you tomorrow,’ Penny said, and spun around, stalking off down the street.

  ‘See you tomorrow,’ said Claudia, stalking off in the other direction. Which was kind of annoying as she actually needed to go the same way as Penny.

  What had Claudia learnt today?

  That she was probably no longer welcome in the Hummingbird Bakery.

  That Penny didn’t seem to like her very much at all. And that the two of them were frighteningly capable of being total cows to each other.

  That she’d potentially made the most monumental mess of everything, and Nick wasn’t the heartless shit she’d been so quick to assume he was. The thought made her whole body ache. Why was she such a screw-up?

  Essentially, she’d lost them both through words and actions she couldn’t take back.

  ‘I’m a Billy no-mates.’ she said to a headless snowman she passed, as if he didn’t have enough problems of his own.

  And she now had a trafficy couple of hours’ drive with Seth, who she really shouldn’t have invited. What was her dad going to say when she turned up with him at their family home?

  And tomorrow, at the wedding, they’d all be together in one room.

  Date Eleven

  The Wedding, Frostwood

  Claudia cranked up the car stereo so Chris Rea sang ‘Driving Home for Christmas’ at full volume, but still Seth remained sleeping. He was the worst road trip partner ever.

  She wound down the windows and let in a rush of freezing air. Seth stirred. ‘Are we nearly there yet?’

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘All right.’

  Maybe he was better silent; she found everything he said at the moment grated against her already scratchy emotions.

  ‘Can you pass me a Quality Street?’ she muttered before he could drift back into snoozeville. ‘Are there any strawberry creams left?’ Out of the corner of her eye she saw him shuffle one up his sleeve.

  ‘No, ’fraid not. How about one of those green triangles? There’s loads of them.’

  ‘GIVE ME THE GODDAMN STRAWBERRY CREAM. YOU’VE EATEN EVERY OTHER ONE OF THE STRAWBERRY CREAMS.’

  ‘Fine, take it. Time of the month, is it?’

  She narrowed her eyes at the road ahead.

  ‘Can we put the window back up? It’s chuffing cold,’ Seth asked.

  Without another word Claudia whirred the window upwards, cocooning them once again. She drove through the pretty outskirts of Surrey, the red-brick houses getting bigger the further they were from the capital. Icing-sugar snow decorated gardens and rooftops, and Christmas trees twinkled through windows. By now, schools and offices were breaking up and the pavements were filled with children padded to the eyeballs in coats, onesies, scarves, hats and mittens, and adults struggling under the weight of excessive food shopping bags.

  Resting on the back seat of the car was a huge, sticky panettone (not made; bought from Harrods Food Hall) wrapped in wide red and gold ribbon. A peace offering to her dad and his sweet tooth, to take away the bitter taste of her bringing Seth home.

  The second Claudia pulled her car into the neat driveway
of her family home, the living room curtain twitched. Moments later the front door swung wide open and out bounded a Bernese Mountain Dog wearing a tinsel necklace and a dopey smile, his paws throwing snow up into the air behind him.

  Claudia stepped out the car and crouched down, embracing the dog and squashing her face into his warm brown fur. ‘Flippers, you big silly thing. You, me, sleeping in front of the fireplace and ignoring the world over Christmas, how does that sound?’

  Flippers plonked a heavy paw on her lap and beamed.

  Seth came around the side of the car. ‘All right, Flippers?’

  Flippers snorted indignantly and turned away from Seth, sticking his nose through the open car door and sniffing at the panettone.

  Claudia looked up at her childhood house. Her dad had done a good job with the outdoor lights this year. Even the big oak tree had what appeared to be the fluffy fairy lights from her teenage bedroom draped on it.

  ‘Welcome home, love.’ He appeared at the door and smiled at his daughter. If there was ever a moment in the past twenty-four hours that she regretted re-inviting Seth to the wedding, and therefore having him spend Christmas with them, it was now.

  ‘Dad …’ She smiled back sadly and waved her arm towards Seth, who was half buried in the boot of the car, pulling out their luggage.

  Joe stepped over and pulled her into a hug.

  ‘I’m sorry he’s here,’ she whispered to him.

  ‘Are you?’ he whispered back. ‘Do you want him to leave?’

  ‘No, but I think I made a mistake. Are you really angry?’

  ‘Of course not, Claudy, but the minute you decide you want him gone I’d be happy to be the one to tell him.’ He pulled away and squeezed his daughter’s hand. ‘Seth.’

  Seth heaved a bag of wine and whisky onto the snowy driveway. ‘Hello Joe, merry Christmas.’ He stepped over and cautiously held out his hand.