Letters to Ebay

by Art Farkas

  Art

  Hey Art, if you’re making a professional CD in a studio you wouldn’t need my mic at all. The wireless mic is better for live performances not for professional recording. A studio would have the mics necessary, along with wind screens so that one’s breath would not be picked up on the recording. Even if you are recording the CD in your own home, I would recommend that you purchase a professional mic with a cord. This will transmit the voice better and with less possibility of cracking. Good luck. Mark

  Kendo Shinai Bamboo Practice Sword Iaido Samurai Boken

  Nakaoji Knife & Martial Arts Supply

  The shinai is a traditional practice weapon used in kendo. Perfect way to practice sword handling safely. Split bamboo construction with an adjustable leather collar and a leather-wrapped handle. Comes with a hard plastic collar guard and rubber retaining ring. Sword measures 42 inches overall. The more you buy, the more you save. Other practice swords available; please see our other auctions!

  Hello! I manage a nonprofit clinic where we rehabilitate chimpanzees that were rejected by their mothers and place them back into the wild. Last year we offered to donate Sunny to the San Diego Zoo but they respectfully declined due to her category 5 PTT (Poop Throwing Tendencies). We teach these delicate creatures survival skills. It’s a jungle out there! Last month we hired a professional boxer to teach them to throw a punch. They used gloves—don’t worry! A local high school wrestling coach showed them the proper way to put another chimp in a Full Nelson position. The next skill we will teach them is how to use a Bamboo Shinai properly. We are looking to buy sticks for the chimps to spar with. Naturally, chimpanzees possess opposable thumbs which they can use to grip the swords with. But, we’re concerned that Kelli won’t be able to fit her hands around the handle. Her tiny digits are around one inch long. Will she be able to grip your sword? Thank you.

  Art

  Hi,

  Thank you for the question. Sorry I have not been able to get back to you sooner, I have been busy training (with humans that is). The shinai that we have would be too large for the chimps. We can order the mini shinai, but do not have any in stock. This is what we use in our 1 and 2 year olds sword fighting classes. Also you will need our custom-made helmet, gloves, chest protector, cup, mouth piece, goggles, head band, leg protectors, sword carrying case and special instructor training. Please do not attempt to do this until you get the training, which will take between 2 and 5 years. You would probably be better off teaching jiu jitsu which requires no equipment other than a custom made gi. Good luck in your quest. BTW, you should probably contact the local high school, as the full nelson is illegal in high school wrestling.

  Large Wooden Rocking Horse Ride On Wood Toy 37½" Tall

  This is a great rocking horse that we are selling. Please click each picture to get the best view.

  The rocking horse is wooden.

  Seat is padded a little too.

  It is 37½" high and 43" long and 14¼" wide runners on the bottom are screwed in with phillips head.

  My 4 year old grandson can easily fit on it and ride on it.

  Hello! Go ahead and call me nuts but I’m looking to break a Guinness World Record by riding on a rocking horse for 48 hours straight. I was inspired by the episode of The Brady Bunch when Bobby and Cindy tried to break the world record riding on a teeter totter. Two years ago I attempted a similar stunt in which I clung to a fire pole for 4 hours (MAJOR chafing). In the event I fall asleep on the horse, I will not be disqualified if the horse continues to rock. Once the horse comes to a complete halt the clock stops. (Adriano Fuchela from Italy currently holds the record at 43 hours.) During the course of this attempt I will be viewing season one of Wonder Woman staring Linda Carter, listening to John Tesh CDs, and crocheting a beautiful baby blue and pink bonnet for my niece Julie-Ann. I have acquired Rainbow Bread as a sponsor. Do you believe your rocking horse can hold me (6 foot 4, 165 lbs.) rocking on it for 48 hours? I don’t see footholds for my size 17 shoes. Suggestions? Thank you.

  Art

  I just went down and rode on it myself. I unfortunately am much shorter than you and weigh even a little more. Not even a creak in it. Works great. I put my feet on the rungs when I rode it. That is where you should put them. Now, my feet are far from 17’s. The thickness of the body, head, legs are 1 and ½ inches thick. Boards on runners are 1 inch thick. It is put together with screws and the legs are fastened with a metal band holding it together. There is a very good chance this will hold up. My husband says if you do this you have to send us a picture. I love John Tesh though. I might be able to rock for quite some time just listening to him. But never watch TV, crochet and listen to music while rocking. You are very talented.

  Hard hat with 2 terry cloth liners

  This is a like-new Hard Hat with 2 two sweat liners.

  It is a Van Guard. Any questions please e-mail me.

  Hello! I am searching eBay for a hard hat to wear during my job as a city bus driver. As I’m sure you’re aware of, construction hard hats are tough to come by. The black market was a logical choice but my contact came up dry. I need some type of protective headgear due to the constant jeering and physical abuse I encounter on a daily basis. Basically, I work in gang-infested territories where I have been pelted by objects from ten-pound bricks to fresh fruit (bananas and tomatoes are their favorites). To get an idea think The Warriors meets the movie Speed. The reason I have yet to quit or file a complaint is due to the wonderful 401K plan and complimentary danish rolls the city provides. I have, though, struck up an unlikely friendship with someone called The Brainsmasher. This may sound somewhat frivolous but can your hard hat deflect objects (batteries, crow bars, etc.) thrown by hooligans from ten to twenty feet away? Also, would your hard hat impair my vision of the road? Thank you very much.

  Art

  I hope that 401K is really great! This is a like-new hard hat. It was made for construction workers. Safety tested and all. Of course I think your job would really put it thru the tests. You should not have any problem driving with this hat on and you can adjust it to fit your head just right. And just in case you break a sweat, you have the 2 terry cloth liners to catch the sweat! If this hard hat doesn’t work I suggest you ask Uncle Sam for a combat helmet.

  Thanks, Ann

  New Lafayette Drafting Studio Chair w/Loop

  Lafayette Drafting Chair

  The Lafayette Series provides for a quality range of seating at an affordable price. Equipped with a spacious seat and back and basic ergonomics.

  Features:

  Contoured backrest: 16"w 10"h

  Back vertical height adjustment range: 3.5"

  Contoured backrest with lumbar support

  Ergonomically contoured seat: 17"w 15"d

  Pneumatic cylinder, vertical mode adjustment: 24"–33"

  5-Star reinforced plastic diameter base: 23"

  Hooded dual-wheel carpet casters

  Teardrop footrest

  Assembly required

  Let me be frank here, I want to duct tape myself to a rolling chair and be pushed from the top of a small hill. My reason is quite simple—I want to live the good life and bankrupt my current employer. I work for an investment firm where the working conditions are awful. They brew stale coffee, make us work over 75 hours a week with no overtime, and Fred (a snotty investor) secretly stapled a 3 × 5 card that read “Brokeback Mountain” to the back of my jacket. Anyway, my friend Brice Coker has agreed to push me, duct taped to a chair, from the top of a grassy hill on our business’s property. Legal law says that a business is liable for all expenses when injuries occur on business property. I figure I will sustain some broken bones and hopefully a few internal injuries (big payout). I’m crossing my fingers, hoping for a financially productive concussion. Would duct tape hold firm to your drafting chair? If I chicken out, is there an easy way to stop your chair? Thank you.

  Art

  To return your honesty, using this chair for your plan would put your futu
re in the hands of fate or at least in the reliability of Chinese manufacturing—if you don’t believe in fate. Alas, as a gifted customer service representative, I offer other advice. About Fred, I think it’s safe to say he may have secret feelings towards you; watch closely in the next few days. Grade school children, unable to verbalize their emotions, often pester the kids they have crushes on. On to your plan: It’s clever, but you’ve missed a few details. Of course it all depends on if your small hill has a drainage ditch or a grassy parking lot divider. Regardless, if you are duct-taped to the chair, most of your injuries would be sustained to the head and maybe the lower legs. The bulk of your body and arms would be protected by the chair. So I suggest wearing a helmet to avoid head injuries, and I would consider using twist ties instead of tape. That way you can tie your hands behind the chair and your legs to the outside part of the chair, increasing the possibility of damaged or broken limbs significantly. Plus, the ties can be removed and discarded whereas the duct tape would surely leave residue: evidence of your scheme. Trust me, insurance claim inspectors can be ruthlessly perceptive. Good luck to you and please keep me posted on the results of your endeavor.

  Sincerely, Jason

  Wooly Bugger—30 New Assorted Fly Fishing Flies LOT

  This is a very versatile pattern that will catch fish on virtually any lake, pond or river. The success this fly has enjoyed over the years is due to its life-like action, provided by the palmered hackle and soft marabou tail. The wooly bugger streamer fly (some books call this fly a nymph) was probably the very first fly I ever used (and caught a fish with). It, undoubtedly, is the most popular streamer pattern made; I would assume just about every fly fisherman has a variety of colors and hook sizes in their fly box. This fly is a deadly representation of a leech and many other types of food that fish find attractive.

  Hello! I have had a three year running issue with my neighbor, George Gilmore, and it’s time to take the offensive! He has thrown palm branches into my yard, mortally wounded the family cat with a wild lawn dart, and sun bathes (in Speedo) with Neil Diamond music blaring. He is a bad man. Once, he threw a cigarette across our fence which engulfed my rose bushes in flames. He’s like a cop or a security guard or a mailman so I haven’t filed an official complaint yet. I’m very handy with a fly rod and hope to turn the tables and cause havoc in the life of George Gilmore. During the night hours I will stand on a two foot ladder and steal items from George Gilmore’s back yard using a fly rod. I will lift the following items: his trusty sun bathing towel, his BBQ brush, his pet parrot (caged), and his 8-track collection. Do you believe your Wooly Buggers would be able to latch onto a parrot? If so, are they strong enough to completely lift the bird out of its cage and across his lawn? Thank you.

  Art

  I’m not sure if you are serious. The fisherman would have to be quite accurate with the fly rod to attach a fly to the parrot. Not sure what test tippet you would need, but I assume if the parrot was to fly it could be a pretty good battle. David

  White House Black Market Black & White Poncho L

  This poncho was a gift and has never been worn. It is from White House Black Market. It is very, very soft. It has a cowl neck and fringe all around the bottom. This is a great new item at used prices.

  Greetings! As assistant director of theatre at Martin Luther Middle School (the famous protestant reformer), a dream of mine has been realized. You see, I have written a play entitled Pancho Villa and the Amazing Technicolor Poncho. The play will revolve around the Mexican vigilante Pancho Villa and will showcase colorful ponchos that he and his gang, Division del Norte, wore during their terrible raids in the early 1900s. It will be spectacular as the actors will parade around in colorful cloaks and ponchos, acting out various types of pillages and plunders. The songs will include “Gringos Smingos.” “We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Badges,” and “Woodrow Wilson Is a Weenie.” People will love it! I have secured many Mexican bearded actors, borrowed six horses, and a wonderful seam-stress named Bonnie has donated her time. Your poncho looks lovely. Would Bonnie be able to easily sew rainbow colors into the fabric? Would it fit a slender 13-year-old boy named Christopher (Pancho Villa)? Thank you.

  Art

  This sounds like a great accomplishment and I would love for my poncho to be a part of the wonderful show. The material is acrylic and is either knitted or crocheted. I would think that it would be quite simple to add colors anywhere you choose. As for the size, I am not sure if it will work. I will give you the measurements and let you be the judge. The length is 18 inches to the bottom not including the fringe. The width is 26 inches and the material is very stretchy. I would think that this would work without overwhelming Christopher. Good Luck!!

  80 bendy straws BNIB

  80 × bendy straws. Brand new.

  Please check out my e-shop for more great value items. Happy bidding!

  Greetings! I have an unusual hobby and am searching eBay for new straws. You see, I enter high school football games and fire spitballs at unsuspecting cheerleaders. I hide behind trash cans, mingle with the band, and once donned football garb for a closer shot. Once, in 2003, a perfectly placed spit wad made eye contact with head cheerleader Missy DeGroot. This week St. Lucy of Arcadia is playing Mission Prep and my partner in crime, Marcus, and I have scouted out the area. We’re going to hide under the bleachers. In high school, cheerleaders and their boyfriends routinely mocked Marcus and I. It wasn’t odd to hear such phrases as “New pimple today, huh, Art? What’s that make now—142?,” “Hey Marcus, finish my homework or else you’ll be seeing the bottom of the toilet again!” and “Look who’s walking toward us—the Hump Brothers.” Now we shoot spit wads at them. How thick are your straws? In your opinion, would they make excellent weapons?

  Art

  And greetings to you Art! I hope Missy DeGroot made a full recovery and hasn’t been scarred for life. The straws are 5mm across. Would that fit your optimum wad dimensions? Do you think the bend in them will make it difficult to aim satisfactorily with? Or maybe it would mean you could aim around corners, thereby escaping detection and being able to blame people in more obvious fire-range. I’ve had a thought—the straws are mostly white with different coloured stripes. You could colour-coordinate the straws with the team’s colours! Or with your outfit, to help camouflage the wad weapon. I wish you luck with your hobby. Say hi to Marcus from me. Happy bidding, Sarah.

  VIKING horned helmet, thor, norse, valkyrie

  This is a vintage children’s HORNED VIKING HELMET, identical to the one worn by the Thor-loving teen in the 80s movie Adventures in Babysitting! Perfect for a retro costume party!

  The helmet is made of a gray plastic and features a gold plastic molding of a bird of prey. This item is in VERY GOOD condition with little wear considering its age.

  It is an oft-cited fact that Vikings did not actually wear horned or winged helmets. However, the horn-style captures a mythical intensity not evoked by the conical and Wenceslas designs, although they may be more historically accurate. Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen is inspiring fantasy!

  This might also be fun for LARP (NERO?) and boffing tournaments! How about some Valkyrie Profile horseplay? Starring in your very own Opera!?

  You should probably buy this helmet.

  Summer is upon us and our Over 40 Marco Polo League is about to begin. Our rules are quite unusual and we may need your viking helmet. This isn’t your kid-friendly Marco Polo game—this is serious business. Every team appoints one player to be their “Berserker.” The Berserker swims around and disrupts the person yelling “Marco” in any way they see fit. For the past three years Biff (6' 4", 295 lbs.) has been our Berserker and this year he chose a cattle prod as his disrupter. Last year he used an air horn. The year before, a fishing rod. Unfortunately, a teammate was injured by the cattle prod in a practice game and we’re looking for a new disrupter for Biff. Apparently, people don’t like to be prodded. First of all, is your viking helmet waterproof? Second, are the hor
ns sharp enough to penetrate skin or would someone simply feel a slight poke? And finally, in your opinion, would it stay on Biff when he swims underwater? Thanks.

  Art

  I’m excited about this! I would surmise that the helmet is waterproof since it is entirely made of plastic materials. However, it will probably not stay on Biff’s head as he dives underwater unless you come up with a manner of fastening it to his head, perhaps with a chin-strap. The horns are not sharp at all. They come to a dull point. I also need to warn you that the helmet is made of flexible plastic and will possibly tear or bend if it is subject to excessive force. If the helmet is fastened to Biff’s head, he will be able to headbutt without fear of injury to others, but the helmet itself is another story. If you’re only looking to use it for this one event then I would say go for it, but not if you plan on using it again and again for this purpose.

  WATER BOMB SLINGSHOT Balloon Launcher TOY & 75 Balloons

  JUMBO WATER BOMB SLINGSHOT!! SUPER LAUNCHING POWER!

  Just Like They Use at the Stadiums ~ Launch Water Balloons, T-Shirts and More!

  Includes slingshot w/hose adapter and

  75 Balloons

  Directions:

  1. One person holds one side handle.

  2. Another person holds the other side handle.