Letters to Ebay

by Art Farkas

  Hello! Go ahead and slap me, I admit to never hearing The Beatles until the year 1997. As a child prodigy in the field of archery, my childhood consisted of 14 hours of practice a day and left no room for dilly-dallying. The great archery teacher, Count Humbert II from Oxford, instructed me until I was expelled for using illegal down feathers from the Garza Chica bird (snowy egret). Naturally, I was devastated and thus have thrown myself into the world of counter-culturalism. In 1999 I toured with the singing group “The Wondering Scops,” sold tie-dye shirts in Berkley in 2001, and climbed Mt. Fitzroy in Argentina with Sir P. Higginbotham in 2003. My latest adventure is collecting everything Beatles. My wife, Eunice, has granted me the wish of a Beatles memorabilia room! How would your medallion complement my Beatles salt and pepper shakers? How about my George Harrison drinking glass? Do you believe the rumor that The Beatles were to be called The June Bugs until Ringo spoke against it?

  Art

  Hi Art,

  You have obviously led a far more colourful life than I have. While I am an admirer of the Beatles, I slightly predate them and have to confess that my admiration does not stretch to collecting their memorabilia. I acquired this medallion as I was a director of the ad agency that promoted the issue and I don’t believe there are many of the medals about. Tell Eunice that this should be a rare and wonderful addition to both the drinking glasses and the salt and pepper shakers and deserves pride of place in the room. I have a feeling that The June Bugs would not have had a universal appeal—well done Ringo. Regards MIKE

  Snowman Wonderland Candle Lamp

  Home Interior’s Handcrafted Resin & Metal Candle Lamp w/glass votive cup. 6¼" × 11". Absolutely adorable snowman holding a birdhouse cane, chatting with a friendly deer out in the winter wonderland!

  Howdy there! I am attempting a stunt in which all my furniture will be fastened to the ceiling. This will include couches, armoires, tables, reclining chair, TV, etc. (ceiling fan will be attached to floor, face up). I will attempt to live this way for seven days. I am hoping to raise awareness for my favorite charity, which is to be determined at a later date. A ladder will allow me to climb into the chair or couch and sit or recline upside down. I already have straps installed to insure my safety. (TV will have cable access.) I will be allowed to sleep in a regular bed between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m. I need a few more items to be placed on the ceiling and believe that your Snowman Wonderland Candle Lamp would be an excellent addition and very soothing to the eye. Would it be difficult to fasten the bottom of your lamp to my stucco ceiling? Thank you for your time.

  Art

  WOW! Well I have got to tell you, this is certainly a "new one" for me! I don’t think I, or probably anyone else for that matter, have been asked a question quite like this before!

  Anyway, to answer your question, I don’t think it would be difficult. The base of the lamp is resin. Depending on how you wanted it attached, I suppose. It could probably be glued on with a permanent type glue. It is not very heavy, so its weight wouldn’t be an issue. I’m sure there are other more creative ways it could be attached as well. Well, whether you choose to bid on the lamp or not, let me say "Good Luck" with your stunt! Sounds like a really fun adventure! I’m sure you will probably be having some sort of media coverage for doing this? I think it’s fantastic, and let me say I hope you accomplish what you want! Sandi

  NWT L Ladies Sheep Cardigan Sweater in Sage Reg. $69!!

  This fun cardigan by Focus is ramie and cotton and features adorable sheep that are wearing sweaters themselves!! The little sweaters have been knit separately and then attached to the little white sheep that have black faces and feet. Too cute! The background is a subdued sage (almost looks grayish mixed with the sage) and the edges are blanket stitched in a blue-gray. Buttons are brown wood. This sweater looks great with black, jeans, or khakis! Here are the measurements:

  bust: 42"

  hips: 42"

  length: 24"

  I have been looking for a sheep sweater for my sister, Marty, and have hit pay dirt with your auction. You see, Marty’s left eye was gouged out by a rabid sheep back on our farm in Kansas when she was eight years old. (The sheep’s name was ironically Pokey.) Marty still wakes up screaming “No hooves! No hooves!” It’s been a tough road for Marty, but she has trudged on like a champion. She was considered an outcast in our small farming town and I once had to ward off an angry mob armed with pitchforks at our door in 1983. Fast forward to 2006—she’s now a professional bow hunter and I have an idea that would involve your Cardigan Sheep Sweater. She would place the sweater on a bail of hay and destroy it with poison-tipped arrows. This would give her great satisfaction and some closure as well. Along with bow hunting she’s also an excellent marble player. How many inches wide are the sheep? Are their eyes red like Pokey’s? How many hits before it might unravel? Thanks.

  Art

  Hey Art!

  Ok, the little sheepies on my sweater are about 4 inches long and 2 inches high. Unfortunately for them, their eyesight is far worse than that of your sister’s. You see, they have NO eyes! For purposes of satisfaction, however, you could always sew small red beads on to be the eyes! There are four sheep on the front of the sweater and one on the back. I hate to picture their cute little sweaters being poked thru, but the sweaters would provide extra cushioning to maybe make the sheep survive the onslaught longer. Can’t guarantee how long the sweater would hold up. The numerous other watchers would be horrified into buying this item quickly if they knew of its possible fate!

  Nancy

  Chrome HANDCUFFS with Leather belt holder POLICE

  We also include a real leather pouch with our highly polished, chrome handcuffs. The leather pouch has a stud to secure handcuffs tightly along with loop to thread belt through. Handcuffs come with two keys.

  Please note: these handcuffs are not toys, they are real cuffs, the links between the cuffs is very strong and “welded together,” the locks on the handcuffs are real! If you loose the keys you will need the fire brigade to cut you free. You will not escape or manage to force these cuffs open, you have been warned!

  Hello! April 28 is our 7th annual “Dress Like William Shatner” day at our office. This is an office tradition which has become quite competitive. There are three categories to be judged on—T. J. Hooker, Captain Kirk, or wildcard, which is any random William Shatner appearance like those Priceline.com commercials or his current Boston Legal look. Bonus points are awarded for the most snug and life-like toupee. Last year I dressed as the classic Captain Kirk from the original Star Trek TV series. I talked with many dramatic pauses throughout the day. Anyway, my wife, Betty, has created a perfect replica of William Shatner’s T. J. Hooker police garb complete with a badge that reads LCPD. We only need a pair of handcuffs to complete the uniform. Yours look great! Do your handcuffs match those of TV legend T. J. Hooker? I also might use them to “accidentally” lock this co-worker I don’t like to his desk. How hard would it be for him to get out of them without the key? Thank you.

  Art

  Hello Art.

  Sounds like it’s going to be a lot of fun. To be honest with you I have never seen T. J. Hooker so I do not know what his handcuffs look like. Mine are real, not toys. If you lock somebody in them they will not escape without a hacksaw or the keys. The links are welded and are very strong. The holder is real leather with chrome stud. Why can I sell them so cheaply? I hear you cry. I import them on a large scale. Thank you for your message.

  Ethnic HANDWOVEN Blanket/Throw

  This is a lovely handwoven ethnic blanket or throw. I cannot tell you where it is from, but it will add a lovely ethnic touch to your décor. Feels like pure cotton or cotton/wool blend. I don’t believe there is any synthetic blend in there, but fabric content is not labeled. Fringed ends. The side seams are machine finished.

  Measures 50" by 80" not counting the fringe.

  Condition is near excellent. There are a few small very faint yellow spots, as shown abo
ve. They should come out.

  Hello and happy Chinese New Year! I work in a youth home for troubled runaway kids and luckily came across your great auction. My kids come from the hardest of backgrounds and need tons of loving care. One of our therapy techniques involves reverting back to their childhood to heal their wounds. The main one we use is called “Baby Blanket” invented by Bill Samuelian. We throw the blanket over a kid (in fetal position of course) and they shake and cry and let out their pain. My question: Do you believe that it will fit over “Jesse” who is 6'8", 310 lbs? (He actually ripped to shreds my vintage Smurfs blanket.) He has a lot of issues and needs a lot of hugs to boot. I think that he would love your Ethnic HANDWOVEN Blanket/Throw and might heal a lot quicker if covered with it. Thank you for your time.

  Art

  Thank you for telling me about your work. I have never heard of this therapy, but this is exactly the type of background we come from several years ago. We too ran a group home for kids with a similar background, and when I burned out from that I went back to school, got my social work degree and worked with adults with mental disorders, so my heart goes out to you and your kids. I know what difficult work you are doing and how important. I think this blanket would do very well, it is very soft. As for the size, I think it should do fine, but you would know by the measurements better than I would.

  Vintage Late 0’s or Early 0’s Stapler Acco

  THE ITEM UP FOR AUCTION IS A VINTAGE STAPLER. SAGE GREEN WITH CHROME. Good physical appearance. WORKING. SOMEONE HAS ETCHED THE INTIALS ON THE BOTTOM AND THEIR ss# ON THE SIDE. HAVE TO LOOK CLOSELY TO SEE THEM. ACCO-20 MADE IN THE USA. I did notice today 9/15/2005 that the staple plate is missing. This plate places force on the staple to fold after being stapled.

  Aloha! I am a fifth grade teacher and have discovered a secret function of the stapler. While I was stapling students’ homework together I noticed the sound of the extracted staple depended on the amount of force I used and the thickness of the paper. For example, when I stapled little Jimmy Moshier’s homework (a very sloppy report on the economic status of South Korea and its effect on rice farms) it resonated a deep pitch. For Sally Ann Getty’s report (a much shorter but well written exposé on Einstein’s Theory of Relativity) the pitch was more soprano-like. Therefore, my entire class will conduct an experiment where they will perform Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony using eighty-seven (87) staplers. They must figure out the correct tones, pitches and meter. They will perform it on November 1st. If not completed by that date then ALL FIELD TRIPS FOR THE REMAINDER OF THE YEAR WILL BE CANCELED! How many of these types of staplers do you have? Do you know what note it produces when pressed? High or low?

  Art

  WOW!!

  I only have one. When I went to test the sound, depending on the surface and what was stapled, the range could be considered as high or low. I also noticed that the staple plate is missing. I did not notice this before. I will add this to my description. Because this is a vintage item, there is a squeak in the spring when pushing. I think that the tone of this item when pushed is more on the low side when doing thicker sheets. Good Luck to you and your class. Linda

  3" HUGE SIMULATED DIAMOND GOLD PLATED BELLY BUTTON RINGS

  CUBIC ZIRCONIAS & GOLD PLATED BELLY BUTTON RING

  This belly button ring is a must-have piece to add to your collection. It has 36 very high quality simulated diamond cubic zirconias with the entire piece being 14kt gold plating. The 7/16" barbell is 14 gauge. As you can see from the picture this one will be noticed!

  Retail price of over $44.95!

  As always, all body jewelry is new and never worn.

  From I Gotta Have It—Body Jewelry

  Hello! I’m known around my circle of friends as being a crazy, fun guy. At a party it’s not uncommon to see me lead the party-goers in a sing-along of Barbra Streisand’s “Papa Can You Hear Me” from Yentl or smashing Pepsi cans on my forehead. But, due to some obsessive compulsive tendencies, I have a minor gambling problem. Last weekend I lost a bet with my friends after I told them I could eat 50 pieces of cheese toast from Sizzler. I only ate 37. My punishment for losing the bet is that I have to perform a belly dance in front of the Mayor’s office. I’m looking to buy a belly button ring to complete my outfit. I already have a veil. I have an unusual problem, though. You see, I was born with what people call an “outy” belly button. It resembles a corn nut on steroids. It sticks out almost an inch. Is there any way I could fasten your belly button ring to my bulbous belly button? Would I have to pierce my “outy” first? I sometimes call him Fred. Thank you.

  Art

  Hi Art.

  Wish I could be there to see this, sounds like fun! First, I don’t know if your belly is pierced. If it is not, you would have to get it pierced, and if it is a new piercing you only can wear real gold for about the first couple of months, not gold plated or you run the chance of it getting infected, MAYBE if it is only for a couple of hours and then you sterilize your navel and don’t wear it again, you might be ok. If you want to keep it pierced you would have to then return to real gold after that. I have 1 that is 316L surgical steel and is a chandelier. It dangles from above your navel. Only the ball would be on your navel and the whole belly ring dangles from above your navel so it would cover your navel, sort of. Belly dancers love this navel ring. If you don’t want to get your belly pierced you can try to find a pregnancy belly ring that just snaps on and then buy a ring with dangles and try to attach it to it to look like a dancer ring but not for sure how that would look. I wish you fun on your day and I would be laughing if I saw this. Leesa

  Old Buckley’s Embossed Cough Syrup Bottle + Box, ’40s

  You are bidding on a screw cap Buckley cough syrup bottle and box, probably from the 1940s. The bottle is a nice shade of brown and is nicely embossed on the back with BUCKLEY’S in very bold letters. The box and paper label on the bottle are in good condition. The box is about 6 inches high. A nice old fashioned drugstore bottle and box for your display. Thanks for looking.

  Greetings and salutations! What a find here on eBay! I have been having some odd medical conditions lately and decided to search eBay for some old school remedies. Rite Aid is of no help and employ snotty, beefy people. First my symptoms: Trouble breathing (mostly around 9:00 p.m. when reruns of Magnum P.I. come on TV Land), a light milky red shade around my left ear and finally when I look in the mirror I can see the silhouette of mouse ears around my right lung. I also cough up phlegm. Strange to be sure! I have tried Benadryl, Frosted Flakes and liver shots to no avail! Do you believe that your full bottle of Old Buckley’s Cough Syrup can solve my condition? (My Aunt Chitter thinks I’m crazy for thinking so.) My mullet is growing! I have been diligently searching for a remedy and am thinking that Old Buckley’s is the KING OF COUGH SYRUP! No one beats Old Buckley’s! Will it cause warts, pimples, or my skin to crack?

  Art

  Hi Art, Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. I had to have a cup of coffee before I could deal with an answer. First of all, you’ve got to stop smoking whatever it is you are smoking, or maybe you are already overmedicated. And second, my bottle of Buckley’s is not going to help you because somebody has already sucked it dry, sorry. Besides I don’t think it is what you need at all. NO, what you need is Hagee’s extract of cod liver oil, and, lucky for you, I happen to have a full bottle up for auction at this very moment. You still have a couple of days to get in on this rare opportunity, but don’t delay. There isn’t anything this elixir—and from the symptoms you described, you definitely need an elixir—won’t cure. So, cut back on your medications, bid on the Hagee’s oil, and forget about the Buckley’s. Glen

  DARK BROWN SUPER MULLET WIG MULLET HAIR PIECE COSTUME

  Brand New in package!

  Our dark brown super mullet wig is one size fits all and washable.

  Hello! I have written a fantastic ice-capade entitled “Mullets on Ice: Business in the Front, Party in the Back.” I’m looking to buy many mullets on e
Bay. All types of mullets. Naturally, the play will take place on ice with skaters all donning various mullets. They will skate around doing mullet-wearing type things like watching NASCAR, throwing darts and line dancing at a bar, purchasing scratcher tickets from the local gas station, pumping quarters into a Pac-Man arcade game, etc. They will be dressed in KISS concert T-shirts. Some may wear a T-shirt with the portrait of an endangered wolf. I have one character named Marty Crantz who completes a routine by spinning (arms held high) twelve times. I am concerned that his mullet will fly off. Do you believe your mullet wig will be able to stay on Marty’s head while he twirls on ice skates? Also, how flammable are your mullets? I have written a scene where a mullet’s “party in the back” is caught on fire with an Olympic torch. Thank you.

  Art

  You would most likely need bobby pins to hold it in place because these items are not designed for ice skating. This item would most likely be very flammable as well and that could be dangerous.

  FAMILY TREE WALLCHART AND INSTRUCTIONS FREE UK

  OFFERED FOR SALE IS THIS NEW FAMILY TREE WALLCHART.

  IT ALSO INCLUDES INSTRUCTIONS

  ON HOW TO START TRACING YOUR FAMILY TREE.

  STARTING WITH YOURSELF, YOU CAN ADD YOUR PARENTS, GRANDPARENTS, AND CONTINUE TO ADD YOUR ANCESTORS.